Salvaged (13 page)

I touched his arm and then quickly pulled my hand away. "It
hasn't been `all this time."'

"Have I been acting like a complete jerk and didn't know it?"

"No, I just started wondering today."

"So I was a jerk today?"

"Of course not."

"Then what in the world happened today that made you start
doubting my intentions?"

"You acted different."

"Different how?"

"It was the way you looked at me. It was just, I don't know, different." I nervously plunged the straw up and down in my soda. I'd
never been a fan of confrontation, and I certainly wasn't enjoying
this conversation. "I'm sure I could have totally misread it. It's not
like I'm an expert on this or anything. Good grief, Riley, just forget
I ever brought it up."

"No, it's okay."

"Is it all true, Riley?"

"I don't even know where to start."

As I watched him shake his head, I realized his face had paled.
"So I'm right?"

"Yes."

I doubted my facial expression hid my disappointment.

"I mean no."

"No?"

"Okay, here goes. First, I do not have sex with a lot of girls. As a
matter a fact, I've never had sex with anyone."

"You haven't?"

"No."

"I thought Anne and I were the only ones."

"Apparently not."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Now, the whole `player' thing, I can sorta understand that. I do
tend to go out with a lotta girls and then not ask them out again.
But it's just because I don't like `em enough to go out a second time.
Honestly, I don't even kiss most of `em. I don't know who says I've
had sex because I've never told anyone that I have."

"Have you told anyone that you haven't?"

"Just you," he confided. "Maybe some people just assume, who
knows? The guys on the team talk about sex all the time, and some times I joke around with them about it, but I've never claimed to
have had sex with anyone."

I sipped on my soda but kept my eyes on Riley.

"The last date I went on was a couple of days before you got
here. It was the girl I took to prom."

"Tiffany?" I asked.

"How'd you know that?"

"Sources."

"Anne?"

"How did you guess?"

"Do you remember when you had that phone conversation with
Anne, the one where she asked if you were a virgin-"

"You heard that?" I screamed.

"The entire thing. I couldn't help myself."

"But you were listening to your iPod."

His forehead scrunched in a look of complete guilt.

"You weren't listening to your iPod?"

"No, I was listening to you."

"Oh good grief."

"And when you and my mom were talking in the kitchen that
first night and my chair tipped over?"

"Yeah."

"I was eavesdropping on your conversation then too. I leaned
back so far trying to hear you that the chair tipped over."

"Are you serious right now?"

"There's more."

"There's more?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"When you had your first nightmare and you were half asleep-"

"Oh no. I don't think I want to hear this ... what did I say?"

"You told me you'd never been kissed."

"Oh my Lord!" Without thinking I threw the car door open and
jumped out.

"Charlie, wait."

It was too late; I was already walking across the parking lot.

"Charlie-" I heard his footsteps running up behind me.

"I asked you the next day if I said anything and you said no." I
paced back and forth between two picnic tables.

"I know. I didn't wanna embarrass you."

"Yes, finding out this way is so much less embarrassing," I said,
full of sarcasm. "I can't even think right now ... what else did I say?
Wait, don't answer that."

"You told me that-"

I threw my drink at him, and it exploded on the ground in front
of his feet. "I said don't answer that."

"You asked me if I was a player and if I had sex with a lot of
girls."

"You knew the whole time? You knew I thought that about you?"

"Yes, I tried to say something that night after your nightmare. I
told you it wasn't true-you just didn't remember the next day. Ever
since then I've been waiting for a way to tell you. It was killing me to
know that you thought all that stuff about me."

"Why do you even care, Riley? As long as you aren't playing me,
what difference does it make if I think you're playing someone else?
It isn't my business."

"I want it to be your business. I want you to know that's not who
I am."

"Why?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed as he plopped down on picnic
table bench. "How honest do you want me to be here, Charlie? This
may not be something you wanna hear right now. Maybe we should
save the rest of this conversation for a later time."

"No." I sat down across from him. "Go ahead."

He covered his face with his hands, took a deep breath, let it out,
and the words "I like you" popped out as the air left his mouth.

"Pardon?"

"I like you," he whispered from behind his hands.

"Well, I like you too. I mean we've known each other forev-"

"No ... I mean I like you like you." His hands lowered, and he
looked me directly in my eyes. "I'm crazy about you actually."

"Am I being punked right now?" I looked around to see if someone was watching and ready to jump out laughing at my expense.

"No, of course not. I like you, what else can I say?"

"Well, when in the world did that happen?"

"Uh ... pretty much the second you pulled into our driveway."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"No."

"Riley, that doesn't make sense. I saw you-you looked miserable when I showed up. You didn't even want to be around me. You
fled the house for God's sake."

"I wasn't miserable, I was a nervous wreck. I left to go see Joshua
so I could talk to him about you."

"What the ... ?" My mind was spinning. I tried to think back to
that first night, but my mind was foggy.

"Please don't freak out."

"I'm not. I'm just confused."

"Honestly, this isn't a game to me. I like you, and I genuinely
wanna help you get through all this stuff that you're dealing with.
You've got a lot on your plate, and I wanna help; that's all. I don't
have ulterior motives of any kind, and I don't have any intention of
acting on my feelings. We were so relaxed today that I think I let my
guard down and my feelings were more noticeable."

I was speechless. I wouldn't have guessed he felt the way he did
in a gazillion years.

"Are you upset?"

"No. Just shocked. I didn't see this coming."

"I can understand that."

I looked down at my busted Route 44 cup and wished that I
hadn't thrown it at him. My mouth was going completely dry.

"You can have mine when we get back in the car." How he knew
what on earth I was thinking was beyond me. The boy was definitely
tuned in.

"Thank you."

"Since I've been so honest, I might as well tell the rest."

"There's more? Good grief, Riley."

He ignored me and continued. "I promised myself that I wouldn't
try to start anything with you as long as you were living in our house.
I plan on keeping my word, but once you've moved into your new
place, I'd like to ask you out on a date."

"You would?"

"Yes."

"That's over two months away; your feelings will more than
likely change by then. You'll probably be sick of me."

"If my feelings change at all, I can assure you that it won't be in
that direction."

"What if I'm not interested?"

He laughed. "I hadn't even considered that a possibility."

"Oh yeah? Being a bit arrogant, aren't you?"

"We have a connection, Charlie. I feel it-don't you?"

"I suppose. I feel something; I just never thought about it."

"Well, don't get so excited about it." He was obviously disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm.

"Maybe your feelings aren't romantic ones. I mean, it's not like
you have to fight off being physical with me or anything. We've spent
a lot of time together including many nights of sleeping right next to
each other, and I didn't feel any kind of tension or anything."

He laughed again. "I wouldn't say that."

"You wouldn't? You haven't tried to kiss me or touch me in any
way.

"It's strange. What happens in that time together-at night and
how I feel about you then is very different than I feel at other times,
like right now for instance. I take my job very seriously."

"Your job?"

"Helping you feel safe. I realize that your need to feel safe is
much more important than my personal or physical interests."

"So you do have a physical interest in me?"

"Oh yeah, I'm a seventeen-year-old boy. I'm human, you know."

"How human?"

"Let's just say that if I were Catholic, I'd spend much of my time
in a confession booth."

"Oh." I was shocked by his bluntness. He was laying it all out
there for me to know, and I was completely caught off guard by his
honesty-and by his feelings.

"Look, right now I just wanna be your friend. I want us to hang
out and get to know each other. I want you to know me so that when
I do ask you out you'll say yes. I don't ever want you to think that this
is a game for me because it isn't."

"When are you planning on asking me out?"

"Depends on what time of the day you move out."

"Gotcha."

"But for right now, we're just friends; nothing changes, all right?
Don't worry about anything. Don't act weird or uncomfortable."

"All right. And once I move out?"

"Katy bar the door."

"You best prepare yourself, Riley, I may say no."

"No, you won't."

"I could."

"You could, but you won't."

"Hmm."

"Do you really think you might say no?"

"No. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl; I'm only human."

"Oh trust me, I know that all too well."

Jesus appeared as soon as my ear buds were in and the music was on.
"Did you have a good day?"

"I did. It was a great day."

He smiled at me. "I could tell."

"Church was great. I've never spent time with you when so many
other people were around. It was powerful."

"Both forms of communication are important, Attie."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you spend one-on-one time with me, we're building an intimate connection; we're making you stronger and building
your faith. You come to know who I am on a more personal basis.

"When you take part in corporate worship, it's less about you and more about worshipping me, lifting up my name so that I might
pour out my blessings on the church as a whole.

"Following me isn't just about having one-on-one time with me.
It's about walking out this door and being my hands and feet out
there in the world. It's when my flock joins together that my work
can truly begin.

"You miss out on all that I can do in your life when you limit
our relationship to just you and me. I created people to be relational
creatures, to need others who they can share experiences with."

"That makes sense. I'm more than willing to get involved in
church."

"It's more than just church, Attie. Do you remember the dream
you had in the hospital?"

"Of course."

"I asked you to go on a new journey with me."

"Yes."

"That journey is going to take place outside of these four walls.
This isn't just about us, our relationship. It's about you being willing
to do whatever I ask of you."

"I can do that."

"Following me isn't easy, but it is rewarding. Up to this point,
I've allowed you to take time to heal, to get to know me, and trust
me more. I can only teach you so much of that here, under the confines of our conversations. For you to completely heal and to learn to
trust me, you're going to have to walk it out, and that means taking
the risk of involving yourself in other people's lives. Not only that,
but allowing other people to be involved in yours."

"I'll do whatever you ask."

"Good. I'm sure I'll be reminding you that you said that," he
teased.

"Probably," I conceded.

"So what about this whole Riley thing? How do you feel about
knowing that he likes you-as more than a friend?"

"I don't know."

"Do you feel the same?"

"I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I didn't think it could be
like that between us, so the possibility never entered my mind."

"I've noticed your heart rate goes up a little when he's around."

"What are you, a doctor now?"

"Well, I've been known to heal the sick and raise people from
the dead. You know, that kind of thing." He was being sarcastic but
truthful at the same time.

"What do you think about it? Do you see a problem with it?
With Riley and me?"

"No. I think you need to be careful. You're both young and hormonal, and you're in situations that can make avoiding physical contact very difficult. I believe that he's being very respectful to keep his
distance until you're out of the house. It shows that he knows his
limitations and that he's willing to give himself boundaries. There
aren't many seventeen-year-old boys that are willing to do that."