Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) (13 page)

Ronan

Taking Seth without a condom was the second stupidest thing I could have done, the first being putting my hands on him yet again. And I didn’t even have the justification that I was too caught up in the moment to worry about protecting Seth the way I should have. Because I’d done it deliberately. I’d seen the condom in my wallet when I’d gotten the packet of lube and I’d made the decision that I needed all of Seth before he made me walk away from him.

Worse, I needed him to have a part of me that no one else had ever had, not even Trace.

Beyond the vise-like grip Seth’s ass had on my cock, his heat burned me and the feel of his smooth walls sliding over my ultra-sensitive flesh had me struggling to keep my orgasm at bay. The only man I hadn’t ever used condoms with had been Trace and since he’d steadfastly refused to bottom for me, I’d had no idea what to expect when I slid into Seth without the latex barrier separating us. And anything I could have come up with would have been utterly lacking. Because being inside of Seth this way, having him bent over in total submission, his tight body cloaking me in a veil of perfection I was afraid I would never escape from, was beyond anything I could have imagined. But what was worse, and what I suspected had little to do with being bare inside of Seth, was the feeling of completeness that came over me as Seth’s body cradled mine.

As physically close as we were, it didn’t seem like enough so I wrapped my arm around Seth’s chest and drew him up until he was flush against my body. He groaned as the position forced even more of my length inside of him and I couldn’t resist taking his mouth with mine as I continued to hammer into him. With my arms wrapped around him like they were, Seth couldn’t move his arms but he used his kiss to touch me instead. As badly as I’d hurt him and as angry as he was with me, he didn’t hold anything back as his tongue mated with mine and his inner muscles tightened on my aching shaft as if trying to keep me inside of him.

I could feel the end drawing near as electricity began firing up my spine and I began pumping into Seth with shallow, jerky thrusts that I had no control over. Seth whimpered as his own body stiffened against me and I reached my right hand down to close around his leaking cock. The second I lowered my arm, his hands came up to grab a hold of the forearm I had wrapped around his chest. His nails dug into my skin as he shouted against my lips and his ass clamped down on my dick with so much pressure that I could barely breathe. My orgasm ripped through me as I felt Seth’s hips jerk against my hand and then his come was dripping over my fingers. I yanked my mouth from Seth’s as wave after wave of pleasure rocketed through me and I bit down on his shoulder, grateful that his shirt separated my teeth from his skin. I held him that way as I rutted into him over and over as each ripple of his internal muscles pulled my come from my body. The heat from my climax bathed us both and when I finally released my hold on Seth’s shoulder, he slumped forward and I followed him down and let all my weight pin him to the countertop. Aftershocks kept making my body jerk and Seth would let out a little moan each time as his body twitched in response.

If I’d been a smarter man, I would have left things where they were at and just pulled free of Seth’s body. But Seth’s last words to me kept playing on a loop in my head and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning down, putting my mouth next to his ear and saying, “We’ll never be done.”

Seth’s whole body tightened beneath mine and I knew it wasn’t because he was still enjoying the aftermath of our simultaneous orgasms. But he didn’t say anything or try to push me off. He just lay there, his eyes going blank and his features loosening to the point that I saw no emotion whatsoever. I was tempted to kiss him to see if I could bring him back to me, but I was too afraid I’d find out what kissing Seth and having him not kiss me back would feel like so I didn’t do it. Instead, I carefully lifted myself off of him. My cock slipped free of his body and I nearly swallowed my tongue when I watched a line of my semen drip out of him a second later. I wanted so badly to lean down and clean him up with my tongue just so I could share the proof of what he’d done to me with him, but I knew he wanted nothing more to do with me at that point. It was written in the way he held himself.

He may have wanted what had happened between us but that didn’t mean he wasn’t regretting it too. I hadn’t really believed making love to him would change anything, but a tiny part of me had hoped he’d hear the words I couldn’t say.

I tucked myself back into my pants and then reached for Seth to pull him upright but he pulled away from me the second I made contact with him. “Don’t,” was all he said. He ignored the semen running down his inner thigh and bent to yanks his pants up. He turned to face me but didn’t look up. “You proved your point,” he muttered before lifting his eyes. “But it doesn’t change anything. We’re done.”

And with that, Seth was the one to walk away this time.

Seth

Bullet tugging on the leash I was holding was what made me realize I was no longer alone. I glanced over my shoulder and cursed the shadow of disappointment that went through me at the sight of Hawke walking towards me.

In the week since I’d asked Ronan to leave, I’d spent a lot of time in this same spot – the old, weathered log on the beach at the base of the bluff my house sat on. I’d made the excuse that Bullet needed the fresh air as he recovered from his injury, but it was just another lie among many that I’d told myself. Like that I didn’t miss Ronan. Or that I didn’t have dreams about how right it felt to have him inside of me and that I didn’t ache to feel his warm body pressed against mine. And that I didn’t wonder if it was him I sensed watching me throughout the day.

I’d been surprised when Ronan actually left but also relieved. I’d always believed I’d take any piece of Ronan I could get but now that I’d had just that, it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

Bullet began jumping up and down on his hind legs as Hawke approached and I quickly put my hand on his back to settle him down. The big dog was struggling with not being able to run loose like he wanted, but the vet had said he just needed a few more days of limited activity to give his body more time to heal. She’d also pointed out that if we’d gotten Bullet to her any later, he wouldn’t have made it. I had Ronan to thank for the fact that I still had my best friend with me.

And the man standing next to me.

Hawke wasn’t quite as big as Ronan but there was something about his presence that had me on edge. Like the relaxed, easy demeanor was an illusion and he could strike out at any moment. I’d suspected the man had still been watching me at Ronan’s request but I hadn’t actually seen him until now.

“How’s he doing?” Hawke asked as he sat down next to me and ran his hands along Bullet’s face. Somehow my big, powerful dog had become mush in the man’s presence.

Just like with Ronan.

“He’s good. He’s got a couple more days of down time and then he should be good to go. Thank you for what you did for him.”

Hawke merely nodded. His silence unnerved me as he stared across the dark blue waters of the Sound. My parents had built our vacation home on the top of a bluff along the southwestern part of the island and they’d bought enough of the surrounding land and waterfront so that there weren’t any neighbors for miles. I’d used the remote location to my advantage in the years after they’d died, but having had Ronan here even for a few days made me realize how truly isolated my life had become.

I expected Hawke to start talking at some point but ten minutes passed, then fifteen and nothing. Bullet had dropped down to lay between us, his big head resting on Hawke’s black boot.

“Is he gone?” I finally asked, since I was too worn out to try to figure out what Hawke’s presence meant.

Hawke shook his head.

“I haven’t seen him,” I said.

“Wasn’t that the idea?” Hawke asked, though his eyes remained on the water.

I didn’t know how to answer that…or maybe I didn’t have the courage to answer it. “Why are you still here?”

Hawke was quiet for so long that I didn’t think he’d answer but then he finally looked at me. “If you could have a few more minutes with your parents, your brother, even knowing you were still going to lose them, would you want them…the minutes, I mean?”

I nodded.

“Ronan gave me that,” Hawke said before shifting his gaze up and down the beach and then checking over his shoulder.

“How?” I asked.

“My wife. Ronan was working the night my wife and I came into the ER.”

I saw Hawke finger the obvious burn scar on his jaw and I wondered if he even realized he was doing it.

“She would have died then and there if he hadn’t done what he did. He gave me three days to say goodbye to her, to feel the warmth of her hand in mine, to hear her tell me she loved me one last time. To feel the softness of her lips before she had to be intubated. To tell her all the moments in my life that were perfect were only that way because she’d been a part of them.”

The heartbreaking words caught me off guard. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my throat feeling tight as I remembered my own loss and how I would have given anything to be able to tell my parents and my brother how much I loved them one more time. “So you owe him?” I finally ventured.

Hawke shook his head. “No, not anymore.”

I didn’t know what to make of the cryptic statement. Bullet sat up and pressed his nose against my hand and I realized he’d sensed my building stress. “I’ll never be enough for him,” I whispered as I let my gaze fall to the black and brown fur on the top of Bullet’s head. It was ridiculous to admit my fear to a virtual stranger, but the need to understand Ronan’s behavior was overriding my common sense. I’d been so sure after the night that Ronan had made love to me for the first time that he saw me as something more…as someone apart from Trace’s brother. And last week he’d told me we wouldn’t ever be done even though he was the one who’d walked away from me the morning after our first night together.

I felt the thickness in my throat growing as Hawke didn’t respond, but just as I was about to get up to escape the humiliation, he spoke. “Seth, there’s going to come a day when you learn the truth about what happened to your brother.”

My hand stilled on Bullet’s head and I snapped my eyes up to Hawke who was watching me intently. I opened my mouth to ask the obvious question but he cut me off with a shake of his head. “As hard as it’s going to be to hear about what was done to him, just remember that Ronan is the one who needs you now.”

I shook my head as Hawke rose and dropped a hand on my shoulder before stepping over the log and walking away. I didn’t bother chasing after him because I was too caught up in what he’d said. I felt my stomach roll violently.

“Hawke!” I called, but I didn’t look at him to see if he stopped. “Where is he?”

“The Water’s Edge Motel. Room 127.”

I may have nodded in response; I wasn’t really sure. I wanted to go running to that motel and demand Ronan tell me what Hawke was talking about but Hawke’s words kept repeating themselves in my head.

Ronan is the one who needs you now
.

Had the military lied to me? They’d said Trace had been killed by friendly fire during a training exercise. I’d never even thought to question them – why the hell would I? But if they had lied, why hadn’t Ronan told me the truth?

Another sick feeling went through me.

He wouldn’t have told me if the truth was something he didn’t think I could handle. Which meant it was really bad.

Bullet began nudging me in earnest and I realized I’d gotten so worked up that I was nearing a panic attack. I sucked in several deep breaths and focused on one of the mountain peaks across the water. I carefully worked my eyes to the right, counting each peak in turn until I felt my fear subside.

Ronan is the one who needs you now
.

I didn’t know what that meant but I knew Hawke was telling the truth. And I finally realized that the Ronan I’d known hadn’t been lost to me simply because Trace had been taken from him…it was how he’d been taken that had changed everything.

But if I wanted answers, it meant I had to do what I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had to see Ronan again.

* * *

It took several long seconds for me to get up the nerve to rap my knuckles on the motel room door. When Ronan opened it, I couldn’t say what surprised me more – his appearance or the gun he was holding loosely against his leg.

I’d never seen Ronan in anything other than a suit and on the rare occasion, jeans, so to see him in a pair of sweats and a simple white T-shirt caught me off guard. But it was the smudges under his eyes and the bleakness in his gaze that had me wishing more than ever that I had the right to touch him.

“Can I come in?” I asked, not liking how shaky my voice sounded.

Ronan studied me for a long moment and then finally opened the door wider. The room was dark because the curtains were drawn despite it being early afternoon. My conversation with Hawke the day before had left me too rattled to go see Ronan last night and I’d ended up sleeping in this morning after tossing and turning all night. I’d told work I wouldn’t be in today and I hadn’t even bothered trying to work from home because I was too distracted.

From the condition of the motel room, it seemed like Ronan hadn’t been faring much better than me. I supposed it wasn’t unusual for the bed to be unmade but the half empty bottle of scotch sitting on the nightstand definitely wasn’t the norm. In all the time I’d known Ronan, I’d seen him drink on only the rarest of occasions and always in moderation. I glanced over my shoulder as Ronan closed the door, drenching the room in darkness. I was glad when he flicked on the floor lamp near the door because it gave me a chance to study him. He had yet to say anything and he hadn’t put the gun down. That bothered me…a lot. Not because I believed him to be a danger to me, but because I couldn’t figure out why he had it out in the first place.

Ronan’s eyes held mine for a moment but his expression was unreadable and after what seemed an unnaturally long time, he finally went to the chair by the table and tucked the gun into the shoulder holster that was draped over the back of it. Once the gun was put away, I was surprised to see the hand he’d been holding it with start to flex and release several times before the pad of each finger began tapping rhythmically against the thumb.

The nervous gesture hit me hard and I actually had to sit down on the end of the bed as Hawke’s words went through me again. My intent when I’d come here had been to demand answers about what had really happened to Trace but seeing Ronan so broken had me hesitating. I nearly shook my head when things finally clicked into place for me. I’d wanted to prove to Ronan that I could be the man he needed instead of the boy he remembered. But maybe what he needed – what he’d always needed since the day he’d lost Trace – was the same thing I’d needed after my parents had died…someone to trust, someone to hold on to when the pain became too much.

I’d never really realized that I’d spent these last few years making it all about me and what I’d needed. I’d wanted to lean on him after the loss of Trace but I’d never considered that he might need someone too. I’d wanted to draw from his strength but I’d never offered mine. I’d wanted to be the man he desired instead of considering the fact that he might need something else…a friend. And in that moment I knew I wouldn’t be demanding answers. I wouldn’t be demanding anything anymore. If Ronan needed to protect me from an evil I wasn’t so sure existed, so be it. If he needed to slake his physical need on me, I’d offer myself willingly and find a way to live with the ramifications. If it meant I would never be able to touch him the way I wanted to, I’d find other ways to show him I was there.

I glanced at Ronan and saw that at some point, he’d sat down in the chair his shoulder holster was draped over. As usual, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking and his continued silence meant whatever happened next would fall on me. I dropped my eyes to my clenched fingers and realized I had the same strange, anxious ticks that Ronan did.

“I want you to come home,” I finally said.

Ronan took a long time to respond so I just sat there and waited. He finally said, “You said-”

“You were right. We’ll never really be done,” I interrupted. “I don’t want us to be. I want us to be what we should have been after we lost Trace.” I looked up at him. “Friends,” I whispered. “I want us to be friends.”

I held Ronan’s gaze until the tightness in my belly became too much and then I lowered my eyes again. “If you think there might be a threat against me then keep me safe. Do it for Trace, for me…I don’t care. Just come home.”

“Why?” Ronan asked, his voice sounding uneven.

I swallowed hard. “Because I don’t want the only one who cares whether I come home each night to be my dog,” I whispered. The admission sucked at my insides but I managed to keep the tears at bay. But when I heard Ronan shift in his chair and a moment later heavy fingers sifted through my hair, I feared I wouldn’t be able to keep it together.

I expected Ronan to tell me he cared about me but he surprised me when he leaned down and pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Me too...except I don’t even have a dog.”

I let out a chuckle and then felt my whole body relax as Ronan pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around me. My hands were pressed against his chest but as badly as I wanted to slide them up to wrap around his neck, I managed to keep them where they were.

Friends with Ronan…just friends. Fuck, how the hell was I going to pull this off?