Read Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls Online

Authors: Tellulah Darling

Tags: #young adult, #friendship, #love, #funny, #romantic comedy, #fiction, #sex, #teens, #male protagonist, #coming of age, #contemporary, #comedy

Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls (8 page)

BOOK: Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls
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Chapter sixteen


I LOVE this whole hit the Big O and hit the road. Sam. Is. A. Genius.

With Jeremy, while he may not have liked any talking during the actual act, I always felt like afterward I had to stroke his stupid ego about how great he was.

Really, all I ever wanted to do was push him off me and maybe take a nap or go finish my homework.

Now, I can scale that crazy peak and then go spend quality time on other stuff. Like contemplating the big bang and all its delicious incarnations.

And, if I’m honest, maybe do a bit of freaking.

Because while that was unbelievably fantastic, mind-blowing amazingness,
it was with Sam

I get home and race up the stairs with a hurried wave to my mom. This is definitely not hanging out with family time. Besides, she has that scary mom sense that puts Spidey’s to shame and I’d DIE if she realized what just happened between me and her darling boy.

I hop into the shower for a quick wash and some quality thinking time. Hot water helps me process.

On the one hand, it was phenomenal.

On the other hand, it was with my best friend who has been like a brother to me.

On the other hand, he is not actually a blood relative nor have we ever lived under the same roof so no legal, moral or societal laws were broken. And it definitely did not feel like kissing a sibling.

He was good. Like really good. My body is singing hallelujah at his finely honed skills. Yay, horndog. I thank all the sisters that went before me as practice. Sam knows his way around the female body just fine.

And now I’m standing here, head full of lather, soaping my left arm over and over again as I reminisce. Possibly drooling but we’ll just call it shower spray.

I shake my head sharply to clear it.

I think I had become a middle aged married couple with Jeremy, and not the kind that still has great sex even though they’re old. More settled. Like concrete.

Now I’ve had so-so sex with Matteo, quite good sex with Adam, and words-fail-me sex with Sam.

Both Adam and Sam are ongoing possibilities. Given I don’t want to waste time and energy with more Matteo-grade encounters. I mean dominance is fine but only if there is something excellent in it for me. I think that instead of single hookups of a wide variety, I should go for continued ones from a smaller sample group. Who will be replaced should they fail to meet expected standards.

Known quality over random quantity. Plus this is about embodying biological truth, not becoming a ho.

So Adam stays on the list.

But Sam? We’re already best friends. And with most normal guys, it’d be easy to confuse sex and friendship with a real relationship.

Though that’s the good part about knowing him so well. I’m not going to get hurt wasting my time wishing he would be my boyfriend. Not that I want any boyfriend. But especially not him. Since he’s absolutely incapable of it. I’ve seen the collateral damage he can cause. It’s not pretty.

An involuntary and silly grin steals over my face at the memory of what we just did.

Sure is fun, though.

I finish rinsing off and shut off the tap. Decision made.

My intimate knowledge of Sam’s psychological state means that I am absolutely free to keep getting naked with him.

Friends with benefits really is the best.

As I towel off, I wonder when it might be long enough to call Sam again for part two.

I decide tomorrow is good. What surprises me, though, is Sam’s reaction. I’m totally convinced he’s going to suggest a ‘your place or mine’ (I knew him not sleeping with girls at his house was a lie) kind of time.

Instead, he suggests meeting at the diner and then going bowling. Like we always do.

I want to stomp my foot in frustration but if it weren’t for Sam, I wouldn’t be my shiny version 2.0 self, so I play nice and spend best friend time with him.

Plus wear a super low-cut shirt with maximum pushing up of cleavage so he’ll come to his senses and do me again. Because Sam is a visual boy and I aim to please.

So here we are. At the diner in our usual booth. There’s a half played game of cards on the counter in front of Vic. Vic swivels slowly on his red leather and chrome stool as he contemplates his hand.

Behind the counter, Matt holds a metal canister of whipped cream above a cut-glass bowl of chocolate ice cream.

“Whipped cream?” he asks Sam.

“Naw, Sam’s whipped enough,” Vic jumps in.

Sam doesn’t rise to the bait, which is unlike him.

“Careful Vic,” he says calmly, “your queen is showing.”

Vic checks his cards.

Matt places the bowl down between us, complete with two spoons.

Well, if I’m not having sex, might as well have ice cream. My eyes roll back in delight at my first icy bite.

Sam watches me savor my dessert. At this moment, it’s the best thing in the entire universe.

I suck on the spoon in what I hope he’ll take as an invitation to other things I can do with my tongue.


“I’m in heaven,” I tell him. “And as an added bonus, my mouth is really cold.”

I scoop up some chocolate and put the spoon in his mouth. “Surprisingly good, huh?”

Sam shifts around in his seat. “Surprisingly,” he agrees.

He puts on his serious voice. “We should talk about this.”

Since he sounds like someone just died, I can guess how this chat is going to go down. I’m kind of shocked that he’s going to pass on no-strings-attached sex, but I get if it’s too weird for him.

Sam is all about everything and everyone in neat, definable boxes. Yesterday afternoon with me probably short-circuited the poor boy’s brain.

I’m not thrilled about where this is headed because the sex was super great and easily accessible. And now I’m going to have to work at it and go out and find guys and make sure it all seems safe and work my Abra and sing the MI theme and school them in the proper way to work my body.

Honestly, I just want minimum effort for maximum return. What can I say? I’m a product of my culture.

With Sam he’s been vetted, broken in, is a known good time, and I can reach him whenever I want. But if I’m forced to choose, there’s no contest between keeping the best friend and keeping the benefits.

I give it one last try.

“Friends with benefits, Sam. No strings. Just,” I lower my voice, “brilliant bow chicka wow wow.”

I waggle my eyebrows at him. Which I can’t believe I’m doing. Probably my behavior stems from being somewhat addicted to his particular brand of pheromones because I’m deviating from being the dominant one and skating perilously close to submission, i.e. “take me.”

“Obviously there’s this new side that we enjoyed,” he says.


“But if it’s going to affect the friendship then it’s got to stop,” he finishes.

“Why would it?”

“You did run out on me yesterday.”

“That wasn’t about friendship.” Hello? I was following your rules.

“It is when you know we’d normally hang out. You treated me like some random hookup,” he complains.

“You can’t bitch about how chicks want more and then demand special status,” I shoot back.

“It is the status quo. Between us.”

I pretend to think it over. “Hmm, movies, dinner, nope. No orgasms.”

That last bit is said into a suddenly silent diner. Matt and Vic perk up, very interested.

Matt stares at me, clearly telegraphing he’s waiting for me to dish. I throw him my best “no way no how” scowl. He rolls his eyes at me but returns to his card game.

“Forget it,” Sam grumbles. “Are we going bowling or what?”

An hour later I’m rolling off of Sam in his bedroom. Again. Both of us are barely covered by the sheets.

“Not that we’re going to do this again,” I lie to him, “but I think it would be best if we keep it between us. If Rach and Ian found out, well, you know what they’re like.”

There’s no way those two could understand that this is purely about sex.

No answer. I prod Sam with my foot.

“I’m not going to tell.”

“Good.” I scoop up my clothes and glance at my watch, trying not to come off as too smug. “There’s still time to go bowling if you want.”

I watch Sam fixated on the ceiling, perturbed. “Sure.”

Guess I’m not getting round three.


Chapter seventeen


I get my frustration out in a friendly pickup game with about eight other guys.

I motion to a teammate that I’m open. Ian guards me.

“You look like shite, pal,” he tells me.

Eye on the ball, I jog left. Ian stays on me.

“I’m tired from all the exercise I’ve been getting.”

“Which department are you trolling your way through now? Arts? Business?”

“Working on the sciences.”

“I hear chemists do it on the table,” he jokes.

“Biology, actually.”

“Ah. Impressive command of organisms.”

“You have no idea,” I front.

He responds with a “way to go” nod.


Ally was a huge mistake. Before I had sex and friendship. Separate, on call, no conflict. This new mashed up combo is messing up the natural order of things.

I’ve truly created a monster. Save me from Fuckenstein. Sure, I’m happy to be her best lay ever (but seriously, look who the competition was), but her crack-addicted jonsing for my expert abilities messes with what I want. Which is to be able to hang out with my friend. Fully clothed.

Even though the sex is insane, it’s not like I can’t get really good sex elsewhere. On a regular basis. But our friend stuff, that I only get from her.

So either I’ve got to branch out, which is a lot of work, I mean, I’ve invested a lifetime in this one, or she needs to start behaving properly. We can have sex but when it’s friend time, it’s friend time.

Besides, let’s be real. How long can Ally keep this up before she reverts back to her true nature and falls in love with me? Which is going to mess everything up.

Big. Mistake.

Also, thinking about her has me spanking the monkey so much lately that I’m chafed. Mega painful.

I’m one justifiably pissed off mother.

I jump, snatching the ball out of mid-air. Ian rams into me and I drop the ball.

I swear. Loudly.

“Just a game, Sam,” Ian says. He looks at me a bit closer. “Oh. Not the b-ball.”

I fake then pass but Ian has anticipated this. He grabs the ball and runs toward the opposite side of the court. I’m hot on his heels.

“Brilliant,” he tosses out, pleased.


“Meaningless sex is wearing thin. You’re starting to realize you want more.”

Ian shoots. Close but no cigar.

Another member of his team takes off with the ball.

“No. I definitely want less.” Because what he’s missing since I’m not going to spill is the fact I’m talking about Ally. He’d never understand that this is just about sex.

And how it’s throwing everything out of whack.

Ally is not some random chick and she should know better. Her desire to be all sexually evolved should not be screwing with the friendship.

The ball travels closer. I see my chance and steal it but am stuck dribbling, searching for a way to pass it with Ian blocking my every move.

“If you don’t like it,” he says, “don’t go there.”

I look at him like he’s an idiot. “Are you on crack? Great. Sex. Of course I like it.”

With a sudden burst of speed, I whip past him and am immediately knocked sideways by this huge ‘roid monster on Ian’s team.

I lose the ball and rub my sore shoulder.

“Yeah,” Ian smirks. “You’re aglow.”


The week goes from bad to worse. This stupid Marketing class chocolate assignment with Monica keeps getting snagged on a billion different issues she has with my idea.

She’s the client from hell and totally not going along with how I’m laying it down for her. But I’m playing nice since a big part of this grade depends on our teamwork.

What is so tough to understand?

Monica has just raised her fortieth protest about this campaign. Of course, she has yet to come up with a single replacement idea.

“What’s your problem?” I ask, out of patience.

I can tell she’s plucking up her courage to speak. Just say it already.

“My chocolate is about love,” she whispers. She clears her voice and speaks up. Meaning I can barely hear her. “All this ‘reframing its context’? It goes against chocolate’s nature.”

“Chocolate is chocolate,” I reply. “It doesn’t have a nature. It doesn’t have to be about love. It can be about divorce. Or hemorrhoids. That’s up to the individual user.”

“I think I want to embrace the love.”

Save me from females and their love crap. Time to inject a little hard truth into her world. “And I think if you do, you’ll be like everyone else, fighting for sales, boring in your thinking, which will translate into a product that was once unique and delicious but now could be any old dusty box nubbin with a cloying strawberry center no one wants.”

Her eyes widen. Guess she didn’t expect that.

Well, the truth hurts.

BOOK: Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls
5.58Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

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