Sara's Soul (17 page)

A seagull squawked overhead, as if calling out a warning, but she ignored it. Sara continued pressing forward, getting closer and closer to the fate that had always awaited her. The water was now up to her chest, and she breathed deeply. It’s chill penetrated her heart and numbed her from the many conflicting feelings that threatened to abort her plan. Apprehensively, she continued.

The tears fell effortlessly from her troubled blue eyes, emptying into the lake and joining it as one. Now chin-deep in the water, Sara took her final breaths of fresh air. Soon she would be fully immersed and, before long, her oxygen-deprived lungs would fill with cold water and lead her into nothingness.

Goodbye, Chip,
she thought.
I love you.
Loving him was the only thing that ever felt right to Sara. She hated the thought of leaving him but, as she had told herself many times, she had no choice. The anguish and turmoil she experienced could never be overcome. She had lived with it for too long. It had weakened her spirit. It had taken over her mind. Death had claimed her soul long ago.

Sara’s entire body was now fully submerged in the frigid water. It welcomed her as she sank effortlessly down into its depths. She struggled a bit at first, her arms flailing beside her, her lungs fighting to breathe. Her survival instinct had involuntarily kicked in. Her pulse quickened. She gasped for air, but what she got instead was a large dose of water. Sara was choking, suffocating. Her life force was draining. She felt herself fading, bit by bit. It was uncomfortable, unpleasant, and scary but not as horrible as she had imagined.
So, this is what it feels like to die,
she thought. Sara soon felt faint and tired. So tired. She could hardly move anymore. It was as if a thousand weights held her firmly in place. Her body became limp, her mind a gentle fog.
It will all be over soon,
she told herself.
Everything will finally be okay. No more suffering. No more pain. No more anything.

“That’s where thee is wrong,” Margaret’s voice called out. She was floating alongside Sara in the water. “Killing thyself doesn’t solve anything; it only makes matters worst. Trust me, I know. What do you think I’ve been trying to teach you all this time?”

“You haven’t
taught
me,” Sara protested, her weary body drifting through the water. “All you’ve done is torment me. Do you really think I wanted to experience
your
pain? Do you think I wanted to see Merek brutally murdered right in front of my eyes?”

“I showed thee all of that for a reason, so you would understand.”

“All I understand is that life is horrific… and excruciating… and unfair. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m done with this wretched life.”

“Very well, then,” Margaret said. “But don’t say I didn’t warn thee.”

The last fragments of lifeforce drained from Sara’s body. The moment she had waited for had finally come. There was no turning back now. A final pang of fear came over Sara as she thought about Chip. She saw his smiling face and felt his love surrounding her. Then she felt his fear, his pain, and his anguish. Chip wanted to save her, but this time he couldn’t. He was too late.
Oh my God,
she thought.
What have I done?
Sara saw blackness befall her, and then there was nothing.

Moments later, she felt someone holding her shoulders, lifting her up. “Sara,” a voice called, “let him save you.” She opened her eyes to see her mother in the water with her.

“Too late, Mom,” she said. “I’m already dead.”

“Oh really? Then how are you talking to me?” her mother said, giving her “the look.”

Sara felt an eerie pang of awareness. What had happened? She wasn’t dead. She was sure she had just died, yet somehow she still existed. Where was the nothingness she had come to expect? She glanced below at her lifeless body floating in the water. It looked dead all right. But somehow she was still there, looking down on her body from a totally different perspective. She stared at her body again. She saw no signs of breathing. She was indeed dead in the water, yet she was still here watching herself, speaking to her mother. She was somehow alive.

Holy crap. This stuff is actually real,
she thought.
I finally got my undeniable proof.
Chip was right. My mother was right. So much for biology and science.

“I guess I was wrong,” Sara admitted. “It looks like there’s an afterlife after all. So where are the angels and harps, Mother? Where is this glorious paradise you promised me?”

“Suicides don’t go to paradise, Sara. Soon you will be escorted to the lower realms to see and feel the pain you’ve inflicted on yourself and others. You thought living was unbearable? That was nothing.”

“You can’t be serious,” Sara said impatiently.

“Unfortunately, I am,” her mother replied. “You have to go back. You and Chip can accomplish great things together. Your life can be so much more than what it was. You’ll now know the truth. There is an afterlife. Knowing that will help lessen your fear and open up your heart. It will set you free.”

“How am I supposed to go back? I drowned, remember?”

“It’s not too late, but you have to want to. You have to let love fill you and lift you up. Love is the key to everything. How much do you love Chip, Sara? How much do you want to be with him?”

“More than anything,” she said, a tear trickling down her face. “But I can’t go back. There’s too much suffering there. I can’t stand it.”

“You can help with that, too,” her mother said. “You can improve your own life and the lives of others.”

“And how do I do that? I’ve tried to improve my life, but death always follows me. I can’t seem to escape its clutches.”

“Love is the answer. Let it guide you. Open yourself to the unconditional love that is all around you. It is more powerful than anything. Deep down, you already know this. You’ve seen a glimpse of it. Now let it be your way of life.”

“But what about all the pain? How will I cope?”

“When you open yourself fully to love, your life will change. You will see what lies beyond death. You will be able to help people.”

“I’m sorry, Mother,” Sara sobbed. “This doesn’t change anything for me. I still want to die.”

“Very well, then. That is your choice,” her mother said. “You will have one last chance in case you change your mind. If you decide to go back, I will have a gift waiting for you—my wedding ring. I want you to have it.”

“That’s impossible,” Sara said. “You lost that ring years ago.”

“With love, anything is possible,” her mother said. “Don’t forget that. Now go. Make your choice, but remember what I’ve told you.”

Her mother faded from view, and Sara then felt strong arms wrap around her and guide her through the water. Before long she was lying in the sand, or at least her body was. Sara was floating above it, looking down and observing the events that followed.

Chip was on top of her, crying and performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and CPR. He frantically pounded on her chest.

“Dammit, Sara,” he cried. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave me. I love you.”

Her skin was a pale bluish color, and her lifeless body looked eerily still. Sara watched as he worked diligently to save her. He was determined. He wasn’t about to let her go. But he didn’t have a choice. This was
her
life. This was
her
choice.

“Please, Sara,” he shouted. “I need you. You’re my life. You’re my everything. The world isn’t complete without you in it. Don’t you know that?”

Sara felt a tug and then saw a bright white light. A loving being dressed in white appeared before her. He had white hair and kind blue eyes and was wearing a metallic gold sash.

“It’s time, my child,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I need to take you to the other side.”

“Is it true?” she asked. “Will I be in hell?”

“Not exactly,” he said. “But you will be tormented by the visions of those you left behind. You will feel their pain. You will suffer with them. And you will deeply regret leaving, but you will not be able to go back. One day, you will heal and ascend to the higher realms, but it will take a long time. This is permanent, Sara. It cannot be undone. Are you absolutely certain you want to die?”

“I was… but…”

“But what? There can be no buts, Sara.”

“I love him,” she said. “More than anything. I can’t imagine life without him.”

“Then focus on that love, Sara. Feel that love. Then wait and see what happens.”

“Okay. I’ll try,” Sara said weakly.

Sara thought about how much she loved Chip. She saw images of their time together—their first encounter at Starbucks, their first kiss, walking through the park, watching the sunset, kissing. She felt a warm sensation in her chest. She thought about how she felt whenever she was with him, how he loved her no matter what. He accepted her gift and never judged her. The warmth spread to her face and hands. She thought about what it would be like to be with him again, to feel his smooth skin and his soft lips as they joined with hers. Sara’s entire being became filled with an energizing light. All she could feel was love and peace. Her soul began to pulsate, and it was quickly whisked away from the bright white light. It traveled swiftly to the beach, to Chip, and to the lifeless body lying in the wet sand.

Sara felt a big snap as her soul was sucked back into her body. She felt the familiar sensation of suffocating. She tried to breath, but couldn’t. Chip pounded on her chest again. His lips met hers and his love traveled through her, sending powerful tingles that energized her entire being. She gasped for air. She coughed. She gagged. The force of water coming up into her throat propelled her forward and she sat up abruptly. She tried to scream, but nothing came out. She gasped for air again and felt a little enter into her lungs. She coughed again. And then she wept. Sitting there on the beach, soaking wet in the sand, she cried from the very depths of her soul. She cried for all of the pain and loss that had ever entered her life. She cried for Chip and the suffering she had inflicted on him when he thought she was about to die. But most of all she cried tears of joy and gratitude for being given a second chance. She had been granted the precious gift of life on Earth.

Chip held her tightly, sobbing right along with her. She felt as if he were a part of her. They would never be separated again.

“I thought I’d lost you,” he cried. “And it scared the living daylights out of me.”

“I know. I watched you. And I’m so, so sorry, Chip. I never meant to cause you pain. I love you so much it hurts.”

Chip looked at her, confused. “What do you mean, you
watched
me?”

“You know,” she smiled. “From the other side. I guess you were right. There really is life after death.”

The strained look on Chip’s face faded, and he let out a big laugh. He smiled lovingly at her as he stroked her wet hair. “I know, silly. What do you think I’ve been trying to tell you?”

“Yeah, I get it now. Sorry for refusing to accept the truth.”

“That’s okay,” he said. “I’m glad to see the scientist in you finally taking a break. So, tell me more about what happened on the other side.”

“Well, I talked to my mom,” she said. “She encouraged me to go back. And then I saw this old man in a white robe who was about to take me somewhere. But I couldn’t bear to leave you.”

“Well, that’s good to know,” he said. He kissed her with a passion that illuminated not only her soul, but the entire beach. Then Chip rose from the wet sand and reached into his pocket. He got down on one knee.

Holy crap
, Sara thought.
He can’t be.

“Sara,” he said, softly placing a familiar ring on her finger. “Nothing can separate two hearts who belong together, not time, not space, and certainly not death.”

A tear trickled down Sara’s cheek. “Destiny?” she asked softly.

Chip grinned. “Well, you know how I feel about destiny,” he said. “Soul mates always find their way back to each other.”

“Yes, they do,” Sara agreed wholeheartedly. “I’m so glad we found each other again.”

“But remember,” Chip said. “What happened before is all in the past. What matters right now is this moment. ”

Sara looked down at her hand and admired the beautiful ring sparkling in the sunlight. This wasn’t just any ring. It had belonged to Sara’s mother.

Still on one knee, Chip took her hand in his. “Sara, will you marry me?”

A thrill of excitement ran through her. Sara felt like a happy little girl again, full of hope and wonder. “Yes,” she smiled radiantly. “I will.”

“Good,” he said. “I don’t want to spend another moment of my life without you.”

“Chip?”

“Yes?”

“I’m curious. Um… where did you find my mother’s wedding ring?” she asked.

“It was a funny thing,” he said, putting an arm around her. “I awoke to the sound of Connor’s voice. He said that someone else wanted to see me. Then this other spirit appeared. She was beautiful, with wavy reddish hair and blue eyes that lit up the room. She looked a lot like you, only older. She placed something into my hand and said, ‘You have my blessing to marry my daughter under one condition. Please give this ring to her.’ I agreed.”