Save Me (29 page)

I bring her into my arms and hold her, trying not to mess up her hair. “I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I have a lot of decisions to make and I can’t make them without you, but none of them have to be made today, okay?”

“Would you be mad if I didn’t want to change my name?”

I shake my head slowly while looking her in the eyes so she knows I won’t be mad at her. I can understand why she would want to keep her name the same, it’s all she’s really known.

“He’ll be hurt, though, right?”

I rub my hand up and down back, searching for the right answer. Tucker is as innocent as Claire is and we’ve all lost so much.

“I think Tucker would understand why you want to keep your name the same.”

Claire doesn’t say anything for a long time before she stands and picks my hairbrush up. She starts humming “Hush Little Baby” the song I used to sing to her while brushing my hair. I keep my eyes closed and let her do whatever she wants. No one is going to care how I look today, not when the focus should be on Ray.

The sound of a hair clip locking into place has me looking in the mirror. Claire stands behind me, beaming. “I think you look pretty like this,” she says with a toothy smile. I turn my head from side to side, as if I’m striking a pose, and smile.

“I love it.”

Claire stands at the front of the church, her father’s body resting behind her. The pews are filled with friends, colleagues, and students, along with their parents. I have been touched, hugged, promised visits, and offered condolences from people I don’t know. Behind me sits my friends, the ones who saved us. No one here knows what really happened, and the police bought the stray bullet story. They found tracks in the woods and figured it was a hunting bullet gone astray. Not uncommon here.

Ryley wanted to sit next to me, but I told her people would stare. Never, in the years that I’ve been here, have I talked about anyone other than Claire. I don’t want to explain where my sudden barrage of friends came from. This is still my home.

“Most of you know my dad as Mr. Barnes, but to me he was just Dad, except when I wanted something and I would call him Daddy. When I was little he came into my life and showed me what it’s like to be loved by two parents.” Claire has to pause to wipe her tears and clear her voice. She cries softly, making me want to go to her, but I know she needs to do this on her own.

“He taught me how to swing, ride a bike, ski, and use a bow. My dad used to say that I could be an Olympian in Sky Archery. We were just waiting for the snow to fall before we went out again.

“I know you guys are going to miss him as your teacher, or maybe not because he gave really hard tests, but I’m going to miss him for his laugh, the jokes he used to tell me on our way to school, and how he looked at my mom. Every time he saw her, it was like he was seeing her for the first time. I know my dad loved all of his students, even the ones who gave him a hard time, and he’d want his classes to know that he’s proud of all of you.”

I hear sniffling and a few sobs coming from the people surrounding me. When she told me earlier that she was going to speak, I didn’t know what to expect. Watching her now, as she turns toward Ray’s casket, rips my heart into pieces. She doesn’t deserve this.

“Dad, I’m going to miss you so much. Thanks for loving me and helping me grow.”

With those final words, Claire steps down and returns to her seat next to me, burying her face into my side, the sobs she was keeping at bay being absorbed by my body. The minister returns to the pulpit and asks if anyone else would like to say a few things. To my surprise, Tucker stands and walks to the front.

He clears his throat and while I’m staring at him, he’s looking anywhere but me.

“I know no one knows me, but a long time ago Ray did me a favor. It’s a favor I’ll never be able to repay him for. I’m just sorry that I was too late in thanking him.” Tucker bows his head, shaking it slightly. His fingers come to rest against his mouth before I hear an audible intake of air. “Ray, what you did … there are no words for the gratitude I feel.”

I try to fight back the tears, but to no avail. Only the small group of us understand what Tucker means, can fully grasp why he’s saying thank you to Ray. I want to think Tucker would’ve done that anyway, once he met Ray, but I don’t know. SEALs are different from other men; they’re more protective and love more fiercely because they never know if it’s the last time.

People are going to ask who he is and I’m going to lie. It’s what I’m best at. I don’t know if Tucker is going to be a friend from college or some man he helped on the street one day, but I will not tarnish the memory of Ray because of a life I used to live. As easy as it would be to fall back into my old life, to move away from here and start over, I don’t think that’s what Claire wants. She doesn’t even want to be called Claire, and as much as it’s going to hurt Tucker, she’s my priority.

A couple of Ray’s co-workers speak, reminding everyone what a nice, kind, and loving man he was. Their words hit home, stabbing me in an already decimated heart, reminding me that I couldn’t trust him enough to tell him my secret until it was too late. When I received the email from Buzz, I should’ve run. Ray didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve my deceit. All he asked from me is love and I gave it to him, but as I sit here now I don’t think I gave him enough.

The minister says a few parting words and invites everyone to the graveside where my husband will be laid to rest. The cold, shallow, dark dirt will consume the wooden box he lies in and the only thing I’ll be able to do is pray that wherever he is, he’s at peace. The pallbearers pass me and I’m instructed to stand and follow behind. There’s soft music playing in the background but that doesn’t calm the hushed whispers I hear as I pass. Maybe staying here isn’t the right thing to do after all. I could start over, go somewhere tropical where there’s crystal blue water and white sandy beaches.

Or I could stay and face my demons. I have no doubt that I’ll be called to testify against Lawson, and when that happens my cover will be up. Everyone will know my name isn’t Amy, but Penelope. Everyone will know that it wasn’t only Ray I was married to, but Tucker also, and the moment he made his presence known my marriage to Ray became null and void.

Choosing between Tucker and Ray would’ve been impossible. It would’ve been heartbreaking and I don’t think I could’ve done it. As much as I love Tucker, Ray’s been there when I’ve been at my worst. He picked me up and showed me how to live.

“Thanks for staying,” I say as I come down the stairs and enter the living room. Over the past few days, the guys worked to remove any trace of Frannie dying on the floor and my husband losing most of his blood on the couch. Rask and Evan put in new flooring, which was needed before Ray’s wake. And Cara and Nate went sofa shopping for me. It’s not something I would’ve picked out, but nonetheless it serves its purpose.

“I would do anything for you, you know that.” Tucker sits on the sofa with his leg crossed over his knee. He turns off the television and watches me as I cross the room. I can feel his eyes on me, the same way I could when we first started dating. The butterflies and minor tremors of excitement I felt back then are still very present. Tucker hasn’t changed much; he’s aged, but who hasn’t? I can still picture him shirtless, with his phoenix tattoo on his shoulder, mowing our lawn. I’d gawk at him, taking in the fine contours of his body. He’d catch me staring, but never say anything. It was like a game for us. Who could go the longest before one of us caved and pounced?

I often lost, but it was worth it.

When Tucker left, we were trying to have another baby. According to Tucker it was practice until the deed was done. Over the years I’ve wondered how our family would’ve turned out if he had come home like he was supposed to. If River hadn’t met and married Frannie, where would we be now? Still in Coronado or would Tucker be retired? Or would I be sitting here today, in another place, mourning my husband?

“We need to talk.”

“I know,” he replies, but without infliction in his voice. He knows what’s coming and is bracing himself.

“I thought about asking you what you want, but it’s not going to change my mind. I have to think about Chloe—”

“Her name is Claire,” he says interrupting me.

I nod, agreeing with him. There’s no use fighting about her name.

“I have to think about her and what she wants, and right now that is staying here.”

“Then this is where I stay.”

Tears build and seep over, but at this point I’m so used to crying that I let them fall. “I don’t want you to, Tucker. I need some time to figure things out. I need some space away from all of this. Months ago my life was great. I was happy. Then Ray hears a news report and emotions and memories are stirred up. Ted Lawson’s name is in the paper, and then I get an email from Buzz. I should’ve told Ray what was going on and I didn’t until it was too late. Now he’s dead by the hands of a psychotic woman who I knew would find me someday and I can’t help but think I could’ve prevented this.

“I should’ve kept running, but I got lazy. I let love and family break my walls down and now I’m barely able to function. My body aches and my mind is freaking out on me. I love you, Tucker, I do, but I also love Ray and having you here will create a lot of questions that I don’t want to answer, not yet.”

Tucker makes a sudden move and I half expect him to leave; instead, he stands and pulls me into his arms. He feels like home, like this is where I belong, but I can’t be there right now.

“I told you I’d walk away from you if that is what you needed, but I can’t walk away from Claire. She’s my daughter and I want to get to know her. I want to make her breakfast in the morning and walk her to school. I want to run on the beach and have her show me how to shoot a bow. I have so much to learn and I’m begging you not to take that away from me.”

Tucker’s words cause me to sob into his shoulder. Instead of yelling, he holds me, rubbing his hand up and down my back while trying to soothe me. Any other guy would leave, throw shit around the house and slam the door, but not Tucker.

Not in this situation.