Save Me (19 page)

I
t’s been a horrible month. I can barely look at Noble. Most nights I go to bed first and cover my face with the blankets. I act like I’m asleep and silently cry and hope Noble doesn’t notice. A part of me wants to talk to him, to reach out to him, but I don’t. Night after night, I deny us both. I can’t remember why he loves me, why he ever would’ve loved me. I can’t remember anything but Jason. He’s in heaven, with his mother and father, and I’m here.

The rain is heavy on the window. It beats furiously, trying to pull me out of unconsciousness, but even awake I am benumbed. It slows to a light tap, giving up on me, as BJ snores in his bed on the floor beside me.

I hate you…and I love you, and I miss you, and I’ll never, ever forget you.

I hear Noble on the phone, but I don’t care what he’s saying. When he looks at me, I try to smile. He deserves a smile, doesn’t he? I don’t think he even looks at me that often anymore. It’s as if we died, too.

“Charlotte, I’m going out for a while,” he says.

“Okay.”

Noble just stares at me as if he doesn’t know me. I’m not sure there’s anything left of the girl he used to know. “Why don’t you go for a swim?”

Because I’ll drown myself.

“Maybe,” I say.

Noble turns and walks out of our bedroom. I hear the door shut and the screen door slap behind it. I take the bundles of letters Jason saved out of my top drawer and lay them out on my bed, our bed. I swallow hard and turn and find my rowel necklace. It’s a miracle it’s stayed with me longer than Jason. There were so many times it should have been destroyed.

I open each letter and read them to myself. My words, in my handwriting, calling out every minute of my last two years of college. They are angry, and funny, and full of love delivered in a stamped envelope to Stillwater, Oklahoma. In some I thank him for coming to me, for reminding me to survive, for caring for me when I cared little for myself. They are signed
Charlotte
, and
Annie
, and
Your Obsession
, and I cry as I read them, the image of him holding them too much to bear.

At the bottom of the pile, I find the last letter I wrote. The last one before he told me Stephanie was pregnant.

I bow my head and a tear falls onto the letter. I wipe it off, careful with the precious artifact Jason saved all these years.

You pulled me out of hell when my mom and dad died and now you expect me to pull myself out of this one. You would want me to fight.
I swallow hard and sniff as tears streak down my face at the thought of him.
You said I was the strongest person you’d ever met.

You made me invincible, like you.

I run my fingers over the letters on the paper and remember New York City and Rutgers and how strong I was. How strong I had to be to stand up to the great Jason Leer. I pull the letter to my chest and sob into my pillow.

BJ surprises me as he jumps on the bed and lies right in front of me, his head on Noble’s pillow as if it’s his own. I pet his head.

“You liked Jason, didn’t you?” I ask BJ. I sit up and pull him into my lap as I survey the scattered letters on the bed and the necklace next to them. I gather them and put the rubber band around the stack, slipping the necklace in with them.

I cry with the letters in my arms, but it’s not the dead sobs of the soulless; it’s a good-bye.

I shower, aware of the shampoo in my hair and the razor on my leg. I acknowledge the difference between existing and living. Jason used to call it dead among the living.

I love you, Jason. I’m going to make it if it kills me
, I think to myself. My stubbornness always amused him. Again, I cry in the shower. I am going to make it; it’s just not going to be pretty. I laugh at myself and try to remember the last time I laughed. I can’t recall, but I’m sure it was with Noble.

I wrap myself in my robe and feel the fabric around my neck. I watch in the mirror as I brush my hair. My presence, awareness of life, my only distraction. I brush my teeth and put lotion on my legs and elbows and check my watch. It’s 4:30 p.m., July 9. Today is Noble’s birthday.

I walk into our bedroom, in our house. What he must be thinking today, his birthday? When he left, his zombie wife didn’t even know what day it was. He must be in misery. The navy blue walls of the room engulf me and the painting of the farm warms me. It’s our home, my home.

I kneel next to my bed and rest my head on my hands, folded together. I take a deep breath and silence my mind. The power of prayer.

Dear Lord,

I surrender.

I give up control.

 I don’t know what I’m doing down here. If it’s not about my mother and father, or about Jason, or Butch, or my husband…it must be about you. Please…

The silence lingers in my mind. I let the peace take over.

I am not alone. I am at peace.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes to Noble kneeling beside me, his eyes on me. He still loves me. Even after everything I’ve put him through, I can see by the look in his eyes my lovely Noble still cherishes me. I let the gratitude spread across my lips and smile at Noble in a way I haven’t in weeks, maybe months.

I turn to him and take his face in my hands. Folded in prayer and now supporting Noble’s beautiful face as I pull him to me and kiss him.

“Noble, I love you.” Noble sits back and I climb on top of him, my legs wrapped around his waist. “And I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, but I think God sent you to me. I’m supposed to spend my life with you.” Noble leans in and kisses me gently. His lips remind me of joy, and the ocean, and sunshine, and for the first time in weeks I want something other than to die. I want my husband and I tell him with my body. I tighten my legs around Noble’s waist. His hands pull my hair back and pull me toward him. They run down my legs and up my arms. Noble is touching me as if for the first time and I want him to.

I take off my robe and pull Noble’s shirt over his head. I kiss his shoulder, his arm, and his neck. They intoxicate me. I pull Noble up and onto the bed. I undo his pants and pull them off. He lies before me, naked on our bed. My lovely Noble.

I lean down and kiss his ankle and his calf. I run my tongue up his thigh and take him in my mouth. Noble threads his fingers through my hair and I forget we’ve ever not belonged to each other.

I kiss his belly and his side. I take each of his nipples in my mouth and swirl them with my tongue until they’re hard and alive, awakened with me. I listen to the sound of Noble’s moan and feel the wetness between my legs.

When I find Noble’s neck again, I climb on top of him and take him in. As I rise, Noble grabs my arms and holds me at eye level. He deep blue eyes overflow with desire and love.

“I love you, Charlotte,” he says, and it’s the first time I’ve heard it. The very first time there’s no other noise to drown it out. I hold Noble’s hands for leverage and ride him, watching him the whole time. I can’t take my eyes off his face. My beautiful Noble, always with me.

I lean over him, never breaking my rhythm, and open my mouth to tell him I’m about to come, but the wicked look on his face tells me he already knows. He moves his hands to my bottom and pushes me down to a rhythm that sends us both over the edge, and…I breathe. I breathe in my husband and this new day.

I am thankful.

I lay my head on Noble’s chest and listen to his racing heart. I’m sure it’s different than all the other hearts in the world.

“Happy birthday, Noble.” I kiss his chest.

“It’s a great one,” he says, and plays with my hair.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift.”

“You just did. You’re all I’ll ever want, Charlotte.”

“Charlotte. Charlotte, wake up. You’re having a bad dream,” Noble says as he shakes me. I open my eyes and try to remember the dream before it seeps away. It disintegrates quickly.

“It was about that little bird that I left behind. That little blue bird,” I say, but can’t remember anymore. Noble wraps his arm around me and pulls me so my back is against his chest; he’s encircling me, making me forget anything that could be wrong, at least while I’m awake. BJ’s snoring on the floor, reminding me there’s still good in this world. I kiss Noble’s arm. He is the best of this world. I roll over and lay my head on my pillow as Noble opens his eyes in concern.

“Noble.”

“Yes,” he says, bracing himself.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For protecting what we are when I couldn’t, when I didn’t.” Noble leans over me and kisses my forehead. “I’m still going to be sad, still fucked up for a long time,” I say, not wanting Noble to think this whole nightmare is over in one prayer.

“I know, Charlotte. You may never be the same, but you’ll always be mine. I never loved you because you were perfect. I loved you because you are you, your strong, hilarious, brilliant, beautiful self. You’ll fight for us. You’ll always fight for the ones you love,” he says, and I promise myself to fight for Noble. “Never give up,” he says, and it reminds me of a time Jason begged me to give in.

The moonlight shines just enough to make out the silhouette of Noble’s head on his pillow. I kiss him one more time and close my eyes. I peacefully drift off to sleep. Is there anything better in this world than peace?

Noble and I make breakfast together. French toast. We wallow in our newfound light and quietly eat, stealing glances of each other to confirm last night really happened, that we might actually survive this nightmare.

Sean knocks on the back door as he walks in. He pulls Noble’s boots out of a bag and sets them in the mudroom where Noble used to leave them whenever he came in.

“Hey,” he says, and then freezes, confused by our breakfast spread. It’s so normal, which is so abnormal for this farmhouse recently.

“Morning. Do you want some coffee? Hungry?” I ask, and Sean smiles sincerely.

“No.” His face turns back to discomfort. “They arrested Stephanie Harding yesterday. She confessed to shooting Jason.”

I try to understand his words. I am in shock. “How? When? I don’t understand. I thought she loved him.”

“Who knows? She’s crazy, I guess. I heard she said he ruined her life.”

Ruined her life. That’s rich coming from her.
Noble doesn’t seem shocked at all. He sips his coffee almost pleased. He always sees things differently, better than I do.

“What about Jay, Jason Jr.?” I ask. Where is he if his father’s dead and his mother’s in prison?

“I guess he’s with her family. I haven’t heard anything about him.” Sean’s worry is lifted by the sight of Noble and me together, more together than we are apart. “Thanks for letting me borrow the boots,” he says, and walks out the back door.

I examine Noble. Sean thought there was a chance Noble killed Jason. Did I think that, too? Could he? Would he? I never thought Stephanie could. I never thought anyone could kill him. It’s impossible to know what a person is capable of.

“You okay?” Noble interrupts my thoughts.

“I will be.”

“We’re going to church tomorrow. Set your alarm because we’re going to the early service. Too many ghosts at the late one.”

“I don’t know…” That church only reminds me of funerals. People taken too early.

“I do. It’s as much for me as it is for you,” he says, conjuring thoughts of what Noble’s capable of again.

“What are your plans for today?” he asks.

“I’m going to the cemetery,” I say before I realize I’m going. Noble’s fear rains inside our kitchen. Our delicate beginning threatened by a visit to death’s door. “I’ve got some good-byes to say.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks, and if there was ever a doubt in my mind of his capacity to love me, it’s erased.

“No. I’m going to be okay.”

I filled my bag with blooms from the rose and hydrangea bushes in the yard. I also found a small American flag in the shed. BJ sneezes on the way to the cemetery and I apologize for all the crazy smells. I open the windows and we ride the rest of the way with them down.

“When was the last time I took you for a ride?” I ask BJ as I rub his ears with my right hand. He leans into it and looks at me with those sad eyes. “You’ve had a rough few months, too. We’re going to make it,” I say, and he tilts his head, listening.

I scatter the roses on my grandmother’s grave. She lived a long life, especially compared to the others I’m here to visit. My parents’ graves are next to each other and I pull the hydrangeas out of my bag and place them neatly at my mother’s headstone. She wouldn’t want them scattered. That’s more my grandmother and me. My mother liked a little more order in things. I didn’t bring anything for my father. I couldn’t think of a thing he would want except for his family to be happy.

Butch’s grave has the remnants of a patriotic flower arrangement in a holder near the headstone. I pull off the dead flowers and leave the greens. Marie’s been here. I need to call her this week, make sure she’s okay. I stick the flag into the dirt near the flowerpot.
Such a miserable bastard.

“I hope you’re giving ’em hell up there, Butch.” I choke up a little on his name and glance back at BJ in the car. He’s watching me from the passenger seat.