Save Me (18 page)

I
stay busy. It’s been five days since Butch’s funeral and in two more days Jason will be on his way back to Oklahoma. Once he can bulldog again he’ll be fine, and once he’s gone, Noble and I will be fine. He’s been preoccupied since Butch died, but I think he’s back to his normal self. He dropped me off at Sean and Michelle’s for Michelle’s sister’s baby shower, and he took my car to get a new battery put in it. I’ve been in such a fog I didn’t even notice it needed changing.

Every day I promise myself a new beginning, and every day I step outside to Butch’s house and it kicks me in the back of the knees. Noble is cutting peppers for a salad when Sean opens the back door at the same time he knocks on it. He walks into the kitchen and surveys the room. He’s cagey and it’s weird.

“Steve Largent just called,” he says, and I can’t imagine why I would care about Sean’s high school friend calling him. “Jason Leer was found shot in the woods.”

My insides curl up and die.

I’ve had the feeling once before, standing on a fence in Kansas. Noble is staring at me, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything.

“He’s dead,” I hear Sean say.

I take a step back, trying to get away from the inside of my head. It’s closing down on me and if I can just get out from under it, I’ll be able to understand what Sean is saying.

“They’re still investigating, but it doesn’t sound like an accident.” Sean and Noble lock eyes. A hollow weep emanates from my throat and Sean looks around the kitchen. He pauses, staring at Noble’s work boots by the back door. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” Sean says, and moves to stand in front of me. “Charlotte, do you hear me?”
There must be some mistake.

The vise around my mind is closing. I see Sean’s eyes. They’re the same color as mine, but his don’t look like they hurt sitting there inside his head. They’re fine. “Charlotte,” he snaps, and I see his lips moving. I nod, not wanting to anger him.

“I also wanted to know if I could borrow your work boots, Nick? You don’t mind, do you?” Sean grabs a bag out from under the sink and looks around as if he’s scanning the room for something else. He puts the boots in the bag and turns back to me. He grabs me with both arms as Noble’s boots swing in the bag hanging off his elbow.

“Charlotte, I’m sorry. Sorry to be the one to tell you and sorry he’s dead.” Sean’s voice reminds me of the days following my parents’ death, when he took care of me. “I’ll come back in a little while,” he says, and turns his attention to Noble. “Do you need me to do anything?” Noble shakes his head without saying a word and Sean hurriedly walks out the back door. Noble watches Sean leave and bows his head.

There are seconds…minutes…maybe hours.

I don’t know.

“I’m going to go upstairs,” I say as if I just learned English and I’m not sure of the wording. The pain in my head is protecting me from thinking. I walk up the stairs alone. Forever alone now.

I find the rowel necklace in my jewelry box. The one Jason gave me with the red stones surrounding the blue one. Jason surrounding me. I hold it up to the light and Noble walks in. He stands watching me, waiting for me to throw myself out the window.

“I knew we were never going to be together again, but as long as he was out there somewhere, that was enough,” I say, and look down at the necklace in my hand. “It would have been enough.”

Noble comes to me and puts his arms around me, but there’s something wrong with his face. He’s not warm. He’s not happy. Maybe I just can’t recognize it anymore.

“Something about us didn’t work. I understood that, but I always knew he was out there. How could he die? He was so strong. I saw a steer stomp on his head once,” I say, and the images from Kansas fill my mind and connect with the sick growl inside my head. “You saw that, too. Do you remember?”

Noble nods and secures a few stray hairs behind my ear. I shake my head in disgust. “How could he survive that and be dead in the woods?”

“I don’t know, Charlotte,” Noble says. How could he know?

“I wished he would die before,” I admit to the air. “Isn’t that awful? I hoped horrific things would happen to him. The day his father died, I told him to leave Salem County forever.” Noble holds my arms and is suddenly listening closely. “I told him to leave and never come back. That I belong with you.”

Noble moves us both to the bed and holds me in his arms, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

“Isn’t that horrible? On the day his father died. We were awful to each other. And now he’s gone forever and I am dead inside,” I say without an ounce of concern for Noble or anyone else.
Fuck everybody
.

I just want to touch him one more time. I hate him for leaving me and I hate myself for many things, but mostly I just want to crawl into the earth with him when he’s buried tomorrow.

The emptiness fills me. The idea that he’s gone overwhelms me. I walk around in a fog every minute of the day and then stop to acknowledge he’s gone and slip back into my unconsciousness. The fear of losing him never felt this way in my nightmares. He took my emotions with him, vanished with them to the life after this one, and abandoned me to live in a world without him.

Kevin was uncomfortable with my call. I hadn’t spoken to him since my parents’ funeral and I wasn’t very nice back then. I keep telling myself he’s an undertaker, that he sees people at their worst every day, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m certain if he wasn’t friends with Sean I wouldn’t be walking into the funeral home today.

“Hi, Charlotte. I’m sorry about Jason,” Kevin says. He sounds scared. I am a scary person.

“Hi, Kevin. I can’t thank you enough for this. I know it’s asking a lot,” I say, and try to inflect some actual gratitude into the statement. Kevin nods, probably afraid to speak.

“He’s downstairs, in the embalming room. Have you ever been to the working area of the funeral home?” Kevin asks, but he already knows I have not. “Charlotte, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Better today than tomorrow in front of the whole town.”

I follow Kevin to the basement of the funeral home. He opens a door that leads into a cold, softly lit room. There are small windows at the tops of the walls, all covered with frosted glass to keep out wandering eyes. Wouldn’t want to scare the children. A silver showerhead hangs above Jason and a drain opens below. A wall of cabinets lines the wall behind the gurney he is lying on, and a sour vinegary smell fills my nose. I curl my lip at it. He is covered with a sheet.

“We’re waiting for the family to bring his clothes.”
The family.
How sickening.
Take your sweet-ass time, Stephanie.

“May I?” I ask, motioning toward him.

“You can’t hurt him now,” Kevin says gently. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Kevin,” I say, this time easily finding the gratitude. Kevin has been taking care of Jason, and now he’s allowing me to say good-bye, far from the eyes of this town. Far from Stephanie and Noble, too.

Kevin shuts the door behind him and I look at Jason in disbelief. He can’t really be gone. His hair is still jet black, his mouth sutured shut, his hands crossed at his waist, and I force my eyes over every inch of him. He is dead. Not in there. No longer a part of this life.

The world is silent.

The color of his skin is all wrong, and his gray eyes are muted. Thank God.

“I love you,” I say, and cry. “I can’t believe you’re gone. I won’t accept it.” The sobs form in my throat and I squeeze my eyes shut and lower my head. If he were here, I would be in his arms. He wouldn’t let me cry like this, but he’s not here. Only this hardened, off-color corpse is left for me.

I touch his hand and it’s cold and hard, and it doesn’t give me the chill I long for. I sob again, this time forgetting where I am. “When I find out who did this, I am going to make sure they feel as awful as I do right now.” How could anyone have done this? Who could have looked him in the eye and killed him? Who had the
honor
of being with him when he died?

“Or maybe I’ll just ask them to take me, too,” I say, and lean over Jason’s body, crying, too dead inside to care. My chest heaves as I cry a thousand painful moments with every breath.

I’m lying with him in Bryant Park, and driving west to Oklahoma in his truck, and decorating a Christmas tree, and sitting next to him at Cowtown…How will I ever let these memories fade enough to care about anything else in this world? I cry until my throat hurts, but I don’t give in. There is no physical pain that will ever interfere with this derelict’s departure.

“Charlotte.” Sean’s voice barely reaches my ears through the torrent. He lifts me up and I disintegrate in his arms. Sean holds my head on his shoulder, tight to him, as he rocks back and forth and I sob. I won’t stop until he comes back. I won’t stop until my body finally gives up and lets me follow him. “Charlotte. Please stop crying, Charlotte.”

I run out of tears and air. I can no longer sob. I can only look around the cold room and wait to throw up or pass out. What will become of me? Sean leans me back and looks in my eyes.

“You’re going to kill your husband,” he says.

Everybody dies.

“Charlotte, I know you’ve lost a lot, but you’ve got to keep living.” My chest trembles as a new sob forms. Sean holds me tightly by the shoulders. “I don’t know why you’re still here. Why they’re all gone and you’re here,” he says, and I don’t know either because I know I should be with them. “But we’re both here for a reason. I’m sure of it. And you’ve got to keep living. Lily needs you…and I need you…and BJ needs you…and your husband—”

“Noble would be better off without me. He’s too good for me. For Jason and me.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” I try and listen to Sean. He has never wanted anything but the best for me. I’m almost certain he’s still here to take care of me because I can’t take care of myself.

“Do you remember your wedding day?” Sean says, and breaks through my horrid thoughts. “Charlotte, do you remember me walking you down that staircase?” He shakes my shoulders, trying to force the images into my head. “Do you remember the look on Nick’s face when he first saw you? Charlotte, it wasn’t even a year ago.”

“Sean, too much has happened. I am not a good person,” I say, remembering all the times I wanted Jason, would have forsaken Noble over the past few months, and the times when I gave myself to him without a thought of Noble. My actions confirming I never deserved Noble’s love.

“You are a good person. My God, Charlotte, you are one of the best people I know. You’re kind to people, you’ve given your own life for others. It’s time to take it back, though. Before there’s nothing left.” I try to hear him, to listen to my brother. “You’re still here. So make it for a reason. Be good from this day forward. Find your strength, Charlotte. We need you.”

I
pull out of the cell phone waiting area of the Philadelphia International Airport the second Harlan calls. He and three other teammates of Jason’s flew in for the funeral. They’re staying at Butch’s, which is weird but hopefully more so for me than them.

I’m lonely in the car, lonely in my house, lonely because I’m alone. A powerful force I could never quite explain is absent from the Earth. The breeze doesn’t blow, the clouds don’t roll in, the atmosphere has changed, and not for the better. It’s weak and timid, missing its strength, and I suffer his absence to the core of my being. My mind won’t accept he’s gone, but my body knows without a doubt he’s no longer a part of this world.

They’re standing on the curb and look like absolute aliens in their huge hats and bigger belt buckles in Philly. I stop the car and jump out into the waiting arms of Harlan Wilder. God, this should be under different circumstances. I greet the others. They are familiar and kind, but I have nothing really to say to them. They climb in the back, Harlan up front with me, and it reminds me of the times he picked me up from the airport in Oklahoma.

“What time’s the funeral?” Harlan asks, sadness suffocating his playful demeanor.

“Eleven is the service.”

“Do you folks in Jersey have some kind of lunch or party afterward?” Jersey is as foreign to Harlan as he is to it.

“It’s customary to have a luncheon, or in some cases a wake, which is more of a party, but I don’t know what Stephanie has planned.” Harlan watches me kindly. “She didn’t call for my opinion on the arrangements.”

Harlan smiles for the first time since I picked him up. “I missed you, Jersey.”

“I missed you, too, Harlan.” I don’t say anything else, afraid I’ll sob the last ten miles of the trip.

Butch’s house is completely different than the death cave it had become. The hospital bed is gone, the medicines have been disposed of, and Marie and Jason had sorted his clothes and belongings after the funeral. It’s as if the last five horrible months never happened.

“There are sandwiches and beer, some soda, and a few other things in the refrigerator for you guys. Help yourselves.”

Harlan lays his bag on the kitchen table and rummages through it. “I stopped by his place and picked up a few things I thought he’d want you to have,” he says, and I can’t imagine what he thought should come to me. Everything should go to Jay now.

He pulls out two stacks of letters bound in rubber bands, my handwriting on the front of each envelope, and I cry at the sight of them.

“I thought these should come back to you,” he says, and hands them to me. “Jason showed them to me once. I knew where they were.” I can’t take my eyes off them. “I found this, too, and figured it belonged to you.” Harlan holds up a gold heart on a chain with the letter
A
engraved on it and I completely lose it. I hung it on his bed in Oklahoma and told him I was leaving my heart with him, and now he’s taken it to his grave. It will never beat again.

Harlan walks over and holds me tight to him. He rubs my back and shushes me as I sob into his shirt. I’ve been avoiding how utterly sad I am, letting my anger usher in the numbness, but faced with these letters and my heart, I can’t hide from Jason anymore. This is exactly how he would want it.

“Hey, hey, Charlotte…are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m nothing. My brain won’t accept it. It’s not possible,” I say, and wipe the tears from my face and step back to face Harlan. “You were with me in Hayes. How is this possible?”

Harlan hugs me again. “I don’t know. Someone hated him enough to want him dead.”

“I’m the only person who’s ever wanted him dead,” I say, barely able to remember hating him that much. “And I didn’t kill him.”

“You did when you left. He told me it wasn’t a life without you. Said he was dead inside.”

“That’s how I feel now. Like I don’t care if the sun rises or the ocean dries up. If he’s not on this Earth, what’s the point?”

Harlan rubs my back, then holds me at arm’s length to look me in the eyes. “One foot in front of the other, darlin’. Keep walkin’ until you figure out something to live for. You got it?” I nod my head, half-assed. “Oh no you don’t. You’re the most hardheaded person I’ve ever met; now put it to some good. He wouldn’t want you weak,” Harlan says, and I swear I told him the same thing once.

I leave the cowboys to settle in and walk home as Steve Largent pulls down the lane in his police car. I’m carrying my letters and the
A
necklace and I don’t want to talk to Steve, or anyone else for that matter. He parks by the tree and meets me by the house.

“Charlotte,” he says, and something feels wrong about this visit.

“Hi, Steve, something I can do for you?”

“I was hoping to talk to you and Nick. Sorry about the timing. I know it’s a busy day. I have some routine questions, some things to note for my file.”

“Your file on Jason?” I ask, and swallow hard, my stomach knotted into a ball of disgust.

“Yes. Unfortunately, yes. It’s pretty shocking. Do you have any idea who’d want to kill him?”

“I wanted to for a while,” I say. Good thing Sean’s not here. “But that was a long time ago…you probably know that. Everyone in this town knows our history.”

“I think I know the highlights of the story,” Steve says kindly, and I open the door for us to walk into the house. Noble’s pouring a glass of water when we walk in.

“Hi, Nick,” Steve says, and Noble walks over and shakes his hand without smiling. It’s strange to see Noble’s face without a smile on it. How long has this been the case? When did he stop smiling?

“I’m sorry to bother you guys, especially without calling first. I just have a few questions for you.” Noble’s eyebrows rise, but he stays quiet. Also not like him. “How long has Jason been back home?”

I think in my head. January and February were peaceful.

“As far as I know, he came back for good in March.”

“For good?” Steve asks.

“He was here in October, right before the storm.” Noble glares at me. “I didn’t speak with him. He was also here over Christmas and for Butch’s operation in the beginning of January.”

“So the last three months?”

“Yes,” Noble says, and seems less likely to kill someone. Did something happen while I was out? Is he pissed Harlan’s here? And why would that piss anyone off?

“Where were you on June fifth?” Steve turns his question back to me.

“When he was killed?” I ask, and try to remember anything that happened before Sean came here and told me Jason died. For the first time since that day, I remember that he also took Noble’s boots. I look at Noble.

“You had the baby shower,” Noble says.

“That’s right. Jill, Michelle’s sister, had her baby shower that day.” Steve nods and makes a note of it.
Am I a suspect?

“How about you, Nick? Where were you that day?”

“I took Charlotte’s car in for some repairs. Minor stuff, but it took a while.”

“Do you have a receipt?”

My eyes dart from Noble to Steve, and my heart races in my chest.
Do you have a receipt?
I want to scream.

“I’m sure I do somewhere. Do you need it right now?”

“No. In fact, just tell me the service center and I’ll follow up on my end.”

There’s a pause, or at least in my head there’s a pause.

“It was Al Hanz’s Body Shop.”

I exhale and realize I’d been holding my breath. This is crazy. Noble would never hurt Jason or anybody else.

He takes a sip of his water. “Would you like something to drink, Steve?”

Where are my manners?

“No. I’m going to head out. If I need anything further, I’ll give you a call or stop by.” Steve walks to the back door and I follow him. I look past him and the absence of Jason’s truck stabs me. “Sorry to just stop by like this.”

“It’s no problem,” I say, and latch the door behind him.

I walk back into the kitchen and Noble is nowhere to be found. This was all in my head, I tell myself, and open a beer and chug it down. It’s a surprise I haven’t tried alcoholism yet. This life is an addiction waiting to happen. How appropriate to begin some sort of abuse after Jason dies. He’ll probably haunt me for it.

I drive the cowboys and Noble drives Marie. We park outside the church and linger in our cars, none of us rushing to go inside. When Noble walks Marie to the front door, I open my own and step out of the Volvo. I raise my eyes to the sky and the bright sunshine pisses me off. He deserves better than this. This god-awful sunshine should be reserved for the miserable and the hopeless; the sky should be raging to commemorate the loss of our greatest storm. I pick up a rock and throw it toward the sky. I turn to the cowboys, all watching the crazy person who drove them here. I sigh and continue walking.
Fucking sky…

We take our prayer cards from Mrs. Battaglia and move into the sanctuary. Noble’s instantly at my side and supports my elbow. He walks me to the front without a word and when we reach the casket, he leaves me there and turns to speak with Jay and Stephanie, who are sitting in the front row.

Jason is wearing jeans, his red plaid button-down, and his championship buckle. I’m not surprised it’s not the one I gave to him with our initials engraved on the back. I slip the
A
necklace from my hand and place it under his and a tear runs down my face.
I guess I do have a little fight still left in me.
I let my mind absorb what’s left of my beast lying here.

Jay pulls at my skirt and I look up to see Noble occupying Stephanie. She’s smiling. How can she smile? She appears to be basking in the attention. It would be impossible to hate her more. I bend down to speak with Jay.

“I’m sorry about your daddy.”

“Me too,” he says, and buries his head on my shoulder.

“My daddy died too.”

“He did?” he asks, leaning back to see me.

“Yes and I miss him very much. But I know he’d want me to be happy. That’s what your daddy wants for you, too. He wants you to be happy,” I say, and rub Jay’s back. “He’s with Pops and God now. I know it hurts, but you’ll be happy again.”

“When?”

“Someday soon, I promise.”

Harlan walks up and hugs Stephanie as I hold Jay in my arms and squeeze him.

All of them gone at the same time.

The service is beyond my comprehension. I’m sure it was lovely, but I didn’t hear a second of it. Just more words to not comfort me, only serving to make me sicker. Noble holds my hand, either out of habit or unbelievably he still harbors some love for me after everything I’ve put him through.

The cowboys take Marie and my car and I ride with Noble to the cemetery. We park in the line of cars and I grab Noble’s arm as he reaches to open the driver’s door.

“Can we just stay here? It’s too much.” Noble nods and closes his door. “The whole thing makes me sick. Butch, Jason, his son at two funerals in a month…it’s too much death.”

Noble takes my hand, kisses it, and holds it in his own. “You’re so pale, Charlotte. You’ve got to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry. June is a horrible month,” I say, and watch Stephanie toss a rose on Jason’s casket.

Noble puts the truck in drive and takes me home. No luncheon, no fellowship, no heart.