Save Me (20 page)

I move down the row to Jason’s grave. It’s next to his mother’s and still unsettled next to the established graves surrounding it. I stare at the stone, reading every letter, every number engraved on it.

“Of all the things you have done to piss me off, this is the kicker.” I kneel down in front of the headstone and run my fingers over the top of it. “You are so going to get it the next time I see you. I think I might tie you up.” My eyes fill with tears. I might not be as ready for this as I thought. I pause and again study the stone.

“That Stephanie is something else. Really, great job picking that one.” I take the garden shovel from my bag and search for a suitable spot to dig. “And you thought I would be the death of you,” I add, and fight back the sorrow. I break through the ground and watch as the breeze bends the blades of grass surrounding me. I pause, realizing he’s beneath me.
You’re not, though.

“I’m going to build a life with Noble. I tried to tell you I’m happy, that I love him. You never did listen.” I take several shovelfuls of dirt and pour them to the side, leaving a hole about eight inches deep between me and his headstone.
There was a day when I would have used this little shovel to dig all the way to you and climbed in.

“Are you with your mother? Did she pull some strings to get you in?” I ask, longing for him. I toss the shovel to the side. “Stupid cowboy. Why do you have to be so far away?”

The folded paper is tucked away in the side pocket of my bag. My eyes linger over the words one last time. The only note I read from him while we were apart.

I refold it and place it in the hole. I force back the tears and cover it with dirt.

“You wouldn’t want me weak…so I’m going to be strong.” I stop crying and stare at Jason’s headstone again. “Until I see you again.” I kiss my fingers and run them across the letters of his name, knowing I can never stand and walk away.

BJ howls in the car.

“One foot in front of the other until you figure out something to live for,”
I remember Harlan saying. BJ howls again and I stand up. I turn and walk back to our car. When I get in the car, he jumps in my lap and smothers me with kisses. It reminds me of Jay giggling as BJ attacked him with his love.

I put the car in drive and head toward home.

When I get there, Noble is sorting through papers on the kitchen table. Relief covers his face as I walk through the back door.

“It’s going to be okay,” I say as BJ runs over and wags his tail at Noble’s feet. That dog always did have great taste. He loved Butch when no one else would.

“What do you want to do about the house?” Noble asks, and I know he’s talking about Butch’s. I want to say, “Burn it down,” but that seems a bit dramatic.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” I say instead, and Noble studies me. “Actually, would you mind if I asked Marie if she’d like to move in there?” The last I heard, she was staying at her sister’s since Butch passed.

“Not at all. I love Marie,” Noble says, and walks over to hug me.

“If she declines, we can turn it into a giant dog house for BJ.”

“Yes, we must continue to spoil this dog,” he says, and we both look at BJ wagging his tail at our feet. I bury my face in Noble’s chest and inhale him.
Thank you, God.

I
t’s strange to walk to Fellowship Hall from our car instead of the sanctuary. This is Noble’s deal, though. He wants to try the contemporary service. I want to try living. So here we are.

I slip my hand in Noble’s and let him lead me past the greeters to seats on the aisle, in the back where Noble likes to be. We settle in about three rows from the last and stand as the hall fills with people. Extra chairs are brought in as contemporary music is played. Parishioners come in jeans, and shorts, and flip-flops, and carry their coffee with them. It’s all bizarre, but I go with it. I’m overdressed in my sundress and wedges, but it felt good to dress up this morning, to care about something. I should have eaten, though. My stomach is churning. I lean onto Noble, my hand still in his, as the congregation sings the words projected from a PowerPoint slide onto a large screen at the front of the room.

The lyrics are about guilt and sin and looking to God to take them all away. I squeeze Noble’s hand. It’s hot in the hall and I shift from one foot to the other, seeking comfort. When the song ends, another begins and a new slide is flashed on the screen. There are two guitarists, a keyboardist, a full drum set, someone with a tambourine, and a few vocalists on the stage. This is very different from the 10:30, and I can immediately identify all the things my mother liked better about the traditional service.

My head hurts by the time the song ends. I just want to sit down. I think if I could sit, I would feel better, maybe less hot.

“Lord, we come to you with humble hearts, seeking forgiveness,” the male vocalist prays into the microphone, and I lower my head, not quite prepared for prayer. I sway and grab the chair in front of me for support.

“Lord, we as—

The sound dies out.

My vision is closed by darkness.

“Charlotte…Charlotte, are you okay?” I open my eyes to Noble kneeling above me, my face in his hands. Beyond him is nothing but faces. Every person in this town looking down as I am lying on the church floor looking up.
Oh God, no.
“Charlotte, look at me,” Noble says, and I focus on him again. He’s terrified.

“Please tell me this is not really happening,” I say, and Noble smiles, relieved I can hear him.

“I wish I could,” he says, and sits me up. He pulls me in front of him to support my back with his body and I’m able to see all the concerned faces examining me.
Who the hell passes out in church?
Mrs. Johnson pushes through the crowd with a glass of water. Noble takes it and hands it to me. I just stare at it, not sure if my arm still works.

“Let’s give her some space. Everybody move back, please,” I hear Pastor Johnson say, and I might try standing to kiss him. I roll my eyes because I am inappropriate…in every way. Mrs. Johnson puts her hand on Noble’s shoulder.

“Take her back to the visiting room, Nick,” she says, and Noble stands and picks me up next to him.

“I can walk.” I raise my hand to my head. It’s pounding. It’s probably going to explode from embarrassment.

I drink my water in the visiting room and Mrs. Johnson brings me a donut from the kitchen. Noble’s eyes never leave me as he takes the cup from my hand and hands the donut to me.

“Are you feeling any better?” Mrs. Johnson asks as Dr. Grubb walks in.

“I heard you took a spill,” he says kindly. Yet another person I’ve been through hell with. “Why don’t you both come to my office and I’ll check you out,” Dr. Grubb says to Noble.

“I don’t want you to miss church.” I take a bite of the donut. “I’m a lot better already. It was hot in there.” Noble’s face turns to utter concern again. I’m guessing it wasn’t that hot.

Noble drives me to Dr. Grubb’s office and runs around the car to open the door for me.

“Do you want me to go in with you?”

“Of course. You’re my husband. I’m sure this is nothing.”

Dr. Grubb has me pee in a cup before escorting me to an examination room where Noble’s waiting. When he comes in, he motions for me to hop up on the bed. I do as I’m told and dutifully open my mouth when asked, follow the light with my eyes, take deep breaths, and sit still while Dr. Grubb calculates my heart rate. He is calm and kind as he works, and Noble never, not once, takes his eyes off me. Dr. Grubb wraps my arm in the blood pressure cuff and I feel ridiculous. This really is nothing. There is not another bad thing that can happen to me. I’ve lived my share already.

“Tell me how you’ve been. How have you been feeling?” Dr. Grubb asks, and makes some notes on a piece of paper. He puts his fingers on my neck, massaging my glands, as I try to recall how I am.

“I’m tired a lot. At least I want to sleep a lot,” I amend. “For a while I thought I was depressed. Actually, I was depressed.” I look at Noble apologetically. He smiles, absolving me. “During that time, I wasn’t interested in food. The thought of it made me sick, but I’m pretty hungry now.”

I remember how out of breath I was yesterday carrying BJ up the stairs to bed and add, “I think my allergies are acting up, too, because I’m out of breath a lot and have a slight headache most days.”

“Are you on any medications? An allergy pill?”

“No. No pills.”

“Well, we won’t know for sure until you get a blood test tomorrow, but I think you’re pregnant.”

Noble and I look at each other in shock.

“When was your last period?” Dr. Grubb asks, but I couldn’t tell you what today is.

“You had it May twelfth,” Noble says, surprising Dr. Grubb and me. “We had a picnic and Margo was in town. We went to the driving range the night before.” I smile at the memory. He’s right. I got my period the day of the picnic.

“And I haven’t gotten it since,” I say, still not comprehending.

“Well, then, you are about nine weeks along. Congratulations! You two are going to have a baby.”

A baby…

T
he light blares of holiness behind them. My mother and Mrs. Leer are standing together, but I can’t see their faces because of the light.

“Where’s Butch?” I ask, but neither of them answers me. They keep walking toward me. Mrs. Leer’s hands outstretched, the little blue bird resting in her palms. “Have you seen him?” I ask again, and both of them completely ignore me.

“Mom!” I yell. She looks from the bird to me. They lean over and I realize a little girl is standing next to me. She holds out her hands and Mrs. Leer puts the little bird in her hands. The girl stares up at me and the blue bird matches the color of her eyes.

“Mom,” I say, ready to cry. I want her to speak. “Stop haunting me with this fucking bird.”

I open my eyes and she’s gone. I take a deep breath and look around my room. Noble is asleep next to me with the baby in his arms. Her face is turned to me and both of their mouths are curled into tiny smiles.
Thank you.

I have so much to be grateful for.

They have made me stronger than I’ve ever been before. Every day she was in me was like having a powerful force growing inside of me, pulling me into the future. And finally, on February 11, 2013, Noble drove me through the snow to the hospital. My carefree Noble was a bit of a wreck. He didn’t relax until Kathryn Grace Sinclair arrived and then he was completely captivated. She was the perfect Valentine’s gift, pure love, for both of us to share.

Kate was a ball of fire the minute she took a breath of her own. We should have named her Patience so she’d at least have some. She’s happy, and stubborn, and demanding, and beautiful, and Noble says she’s exactly like her mother. She was born with light brown hair, which has darkened as it filled in. She has blue eyes the size of quarters that shine every minute she’s awake. Some days they are ice blue and others they are deep, like the color of the ocean.

My mother and father departed too soon. They’ll have to wait to meet Lily and Kate. Their absence was the only damper on Kate’s arrival. No one should have to bring their baby home without their own mother there. Before Kate, I missed my mom, but now I long for her. For every doubt, every question reserved for my mother, I now depend on Michelle or Marie for answers. They’re both good to me, but I still want my mom.

I couldn’t have made it through the first few months without Marie. She’s patient and kind and seems to know exactly what to say and when to say it. A few years with Butch would sharpen anyone’s people skills. She moved into Butch’s house and became one of the few people Noble and I trust with Kate.

The thought of Butch saddens me. I don’t let myself think of the other one. Still. I wish Butch could have met Kate. He would be as enchanted as the rest of us. This little baby pulled so many of us from the darkness. She demanded us and we all happily surrendered to her. She wasn’t a sweet, innocent child; she was a lifeline to the living and we all held on tight.

At three months, Kate rolled over. She rolled over and kept going until she was on the other side of the room. Noble videoed her as she did it. Once she discovered movement, she never stayed still. Noble didn’t mind, though. Everything Kate did amazed him. He is totally and completely enchanted by his little girl.

I take one last look at the miracles lying next to me and thank God before falling asleep again.

Noble’s off today and wants to spend every second of it with his two girls. Without plans, I revert back to my old self and suggest we head to the shore. It’s beautiful out. I joke with Noble that he won’t be able to drive and film Kate’s first trip to the shore at the same time so maybe I should, but he only holds the door for me. I sit in the back with Kate, but since I can’t keep my hands off Noble, I lean forward and play with his hair as he takes us to the ocean.

Kate falls asleep just as we cross the bridge over the back bay. She fought it the whole way. I think she sensed we were headed somewhere fun and refused to miss a second of it. I expect her to wake up when I unhook her car seat belt and lift her into my arms, but she just slumps down and continues to sleep. I follow Noble over the dune and stop at the first sight of water. I inhale the salt air deeply. It settles into the tiny corners of my being. It’s been too long.

Noble passes me, carrying more gear than we’ve ever taken anywhere before. He opens a chair for me and helps me into it so as not to disturb Sleeping Beauty. I silently watch Noble work the umbrella pole into the ground. His shirt’s off, his arms are flexed, and I feel like trying for another baby.

Noble catches me practically drooling and lowers his sunglasses at me. He opens the top and fits the umbrella into the pole and even that seems dirty in all the right ways. He unfolds his own chair, pulls the beach bag next to him, and puts the cooler under the umbrella. I pull Kate’s hat out of the beach bag and place it over her head.

Aaah, we’re settled.

“When did we start traveling with this much stuff?” I ask, remembering how we used to come to the shore with barely a towel.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” Noble says, and turns to me.

“Me neither.”

“Do you miss work?” he asks, and I’m surprised it hasn’t come up before. I look down at Kate in my arms. She makes it hard to miss anything. Her sweet face rests on my chest.

“No,” I say, shaking my head.

“I’m glad you didn’t go back.”

“You are?” I was lost after Butch and Jason died; I thought I’d never do anything again. The weeks passed, and just when I was about to talk to Noble about going back, we found out about Kate. I just wanted to enjoy it, take a few months off to feel life again. Now that she’s here, I can’t imagine leaving her every day.

“Yes. But I’m selfish when it comes to you.”

“Someday maybe.” I’m finally coming to terms with the complete unpredictability of the future. Time is cosmic, I think, and Kate stirs in my arms and wakes up smiling.

Marie says it’s unusual for babies to wake up as happy as Kate, that most are hungry, or wet, or not really ready to be awake. I think Kate is just happy to be up. I have this sense that she only sleeps to allow her to conquer the world when she’s awake.

Kate leans her head back and pushes her body away from my chest. She’s strong. She sees Noble next to us and screeches. Noble screeches back and I shake my head at both of them.

“Hey, Screechy Pants,” he says, and leans in to kiss her. Kate screeches again. She is delighted with her daddy.

Noble takes her from my arms and turns her toward the ocean. Kate stops moving and just stares at the horizon. Noble and I watch her as she gazes into the distance.

“She loves the ocean, too,” he says.

“Or she’s terrified of it,” I say, and watch her. “I don’t even think she can see that far.” Kate does seem affected by it, though. I hope she loves the water.