Save Me (24 page)

“I think he’s in the wrong place.” I start out slow, searching for every word and not wanting to destroy the tiny momentum we have. “He’s not in school and he’s smart.”

“My parents have him.” My jaw clenches as I try to not roll my eyes.

“He never goes outside.” Confusion settles on Stephanie’s face. “Never. You know how much he loves it outside. Bug hunting, digging, running…never.”

“What?”

“I’m sure there’s an explanation, but for whatever reason Jay doesn’t have much of a childhood with your parents. He doesn’t talk anymore. Not a word. No friends, no pets, no play, no church. He’s just existing there,” I say, and watch Stephanie try to absorb my words. “No Daddy, no Mommy,” I add, and she breaks into a sob.

“Call someone, call your sister if you don’t believe me, but I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t true.”

“Why are you here? What do you want?” she asks through tears.

“I want you to give me custody of him,” I say too fast. It flies from my mouth, having been solidified in my mind weeks ago.

Stephanie’s head shakes back and forth slightly. If I wasn’t completely fixated on her, I might not have even seen it.

“Noble and I can give him a life. He’ll have a farm, and a dog, and parents who are there to help with his homework, and coach his baseball team, and bake cupcakes for his birthday at school. He is the sweetest child and he’s trapped in a nightmare he didn’t create.” I pause, knowing it’s a lot to consider. “I love him,” I add carefully. “And he’d be with his sister.”

Boom
.

Stephanie’s eyes dart to my own and I nod, admitting Kate is Jason’s daughter. Mr. Chambers shifts in his chair and raises his hand to his mouth. He rubs his face, contemplating stepping into the conversation.

“I can send you pictures and letters. You could watch him grow up. Will you receive a picture of him in his Halloween costume? Will he even have one? Do you get a lot of information from your parents?” I ask, and by the expression on Stephanie’s face, I already know the answers are no. What is there to take a picture of in his current life?

“I know what I’m asking is insane, but our past doesn’t have to dictate his future. I know you love him more than anything, and when he was with you, he was the sweetest child I’d ever met.”

Stephanie cries and I fear I’ve gone too far.

We’ve all gone too far.

“I have some information to review with Stephanie that she’ll need to make a decision of this magnitude,” her attorney says, and I swallow hard, never taking my eyes off her. “Leave the paperwork here and I’ll call you after we’ve had a chance to talk.”

I want her to interrupt, to say she’ll sign right now, but she doesn’t. Mr. Chambers stands and it’s my cue to leave, but I can’t take my eyes off Stephanie. All these years of hatred left in this room at the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility in Clinton, New Jersey.

My mouth forms into a small smile without my permission and Stephanie looks at me with understanding. I silently stand and turn my back on her and the attorneys as they wrap up their conversation. Mr. Chambers follows me out to the car and I collect my things out of the trunk. I take my seat next to him in the Audi.

We turn back onto Freedom Road and head home as I call Noble and tell him she’s considering the proposal and we’ll be back in about two hours.

“I’ll be right here waiting,” he says, and it reminds me of his pleas for me to get over Jason and move on after I first found out about Stephanie. Life keeps moving forward. I hang up with Noble and watch Mr. Chambers pull onto 295 South. He merges into the left lane and settles in for the longest part of the ride.

“How do you think that went?” I ask, not really wanting to know the answer.

“I don’t know, Charlotte. It’s a lot to ask,” he says, and I realize it’s crazy to have ever thought Stephanie would give Jay to me. “If nothing else, I think she realized what the child’s life is like and hopefully she’ll make some changes even if they don’t involve you.”

I’m not appeased. I should be. I should only want what’s best for Jay, but I want him to be with me. Always. So. Selfish.

I look up at the clouds dotting the crystal-blue sky and think of Jason.

He loved me.

W
hat was it like?” Noble asks as I sit on our bed and take off my boots. He’s leaning on the dresser watching me, the look in his eyes pure love, just like every other day.

“It was dismal,” I say, and just stare at him. It is a miracle he’s still here with me. That our love wasn’t part of the Jason and Annie carnage.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Noble asks, and I walk to him. I lift my hands to his face and run my fingers through his hair. I lean up on my tiptoes and close my eyes and kiss him. I kiss him as if the police are coming to get him and my love is the only thing that’s going to keep him here.

“I don’t want you to ever leave me,” I say, breathless.

I watch Noble’s face as the truth in my words sinks in. I love him and I am right where I should be, and it is solely by the grace of God.

I turn Noble around and walk him backward to the bed. I pull his shirt over his head and pause to admire the view; his shoulders have always been my favorite part of him. I run my hands up his arms, pausing on his biceps, and brush across each shoulder before pulling his face to me again. This time the desperation is replaced by hunger and a heat rising inside of me as I unbutton my husband’s jeans and lower his zipper.

Noble drops his pants, steps out of them, and sits on the bed in front of me. He’s still almost at eye level with me and I lean into him and kiss his lips again. The sweetest, most adoring lips on the planet. He unbuttons my sweater and pulls my tank top over my head. I unhook my bra and let it fall to my wrists and to the floor.

“I love you,” I say. “It doesn’t seem like enough.”

“It is.” Noble returns his gaze to my chest. “Especially when you say it topless.” He grabs my breast and pulls me to his mouth, sucking on my nipple.

“Aaah,” I say as a searing pain shoots through me. Noble immediately lets go, concern overwhelming his desire. He examines both my breasts and holds them in his hands, as if he is measuring or comparing them.

“Charlotte, I think you’re pregnant.”

I hold my breath and repeat Noble’s words in my head.
Pregnant?
As Noble lifts my breasts and caresses them, I realize, besides a rough night with Jason, they’ve never felt this sore before—that is, except when I was pregnant with Kate. He’s right. I rack my brain, trying to remember my last period.

“When was your last period?” Noble asks, thinking the same thing.

“It was during the summer. I haven’t had my period since August,” I say, still going back through September, confirming to myself it’s true.

Noble kisses me again, my breasts still in his hands.

“You’re going to have my baby,” he says, and beams from ear to ear. “We’re going to have another baby.”

BJ and I drive past the Hardings’ on our way to Jason’s grave. There’s no sign of Jay and it makes my stomach churn. Or maybe that’s the baby, Noble’s baby. I keep trying to gauge whether he’s more excited about this baby than he was when we found out about Kate, but that was a different time. Everything was different in the wake of Butch’s and Jason’s deaths.

As time keeps moving forward, so do we and we are in a stronger place than ever before. The perfect place for a baby, and Jason Jr., to join us. I stop the Volvo on the path closest to Jason’s grave and give BJ a kiss. He cries and wags his tail, begging to come with me, and I search for signs prohibiting dogs in the cemetery.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to come,” I say, and keep searching for a sign. I’m sure he’s not allowed. BJ just looks at me, pleading with those big, round beagle eyes. “Okay, but do not dig anywhere,” I say sternly, and BJ gets up and climbs into my lap. I hook his leash on his collar and we head out for a visit.

We stop at Butch’s grave first and BJ tilts his head at me when I say, “Hey, Butch,” to his headstone. I pet BJ behind the ears to put him at ease. At Jason’s grave, I sit in the grass in front of his headstone and collect my thoughts. BJ sits next to me as if he has his own thoughts to collect.

I sigh.

“I’m pregnant.” I know he already knows. “I’m going to have Noble’s baby. We’re happy, and it’s his, and that’s how it is for normal people. I’m sorry you missed out on that.”

I miss him.

“If you weren’t such a whore…,” I add, the tears welling up in my eyes. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head in my arms on them.

When I look up, BJ has his leg cocked and is peeing on the corner of Jason’s headstone.

“Okay, it’s probably time to go,” I say, and smile at the cutest little dog in the entire world that has always had great instincts about people. I run my hand across the letters on the headstone, willing myself to stand.

“I’ll love you forever. Or at least until we’re together. Then you’ll probably make me hate you.” I stand and BJ stands next to me, ready to return to the car.

“Until I see you again,” I whisper, and walk away.

It’s January. The holidays dragged by. It was as if time wouldn’t pass. It’s been months since Noble and I were fingerprinted for the adoption…twice. We filled out an endless amount of forms and we waited.

It was Kate’s first Christmas and she approached it like she does everything else—ready to conquer. The Sinclairs were in town and they were completely enchanted with their newest grandchild. She grew more beautiful, more intelligent, and more stubborn each day. Noble was fast becoming the only person who could reason with her. She seemed to bend for me and Marie out of love, never born of defeat. Is it normal to enter the terrible twos at age one…month?

I continued to pray for her and for myself. Surely her teenage years will kill us both. I can hear Jason laughing from above and I hope my mother is in heaven making him as miserable as possible. He fucked with the wrong O’Brien with that one.

The clicking of the turn signal seems louder than usual as Noble turns onto our road. It’s a drum roll announcing our arrival. I’ve never felt more blessed than on this drive home from the courthouse. Stephanie is a better person than I ever gave her credit for. It’s my understanding that her parents practically cut her off when they found out she had relinquished her parental rights in order for us to adopt Jay.

I’m determined to fulfill my end of the agreement. I’ve already sent Stephanie letters describing his room and included a few pictures. One of which was BJ asleep on Jay’s new bed. I’m not sure if she’ll be allowed to keep the pictures, though.

We stop at the farm lane and wait for the train to pass.

“Look, Jay, the train. Do you remember it from when you used to help me take care of Pops?” Jay leans up in his seat and looks out the window at the passing train, but still doesn’t say a word. I catch Noble’s eyes in the rearview mirror. He’s scared. Terrified of what we’ve taken on. The engineer waves and I wave back, as usual. Jay and Noble both watch me like I’m crazy, but I’m used to that.

Jay’s feet dangle off the seat, his booster seat keeping them far from reaching the floor. His hair is too long, his face is dirty, and his pants are too short, but he’s home now. I want to reach over and hold his hand, but everything I’ve read tells me to move slowly, not to bombard him. He’s just a little boy and he’s been through so much. His story makes my past sound like a carousel ride.

We pass Butch’s house and Jay’s eyes never leave the window.

“Do you remember Pop’s house? It was a long time ago, but we used to play there. You helped Annie and your daddy take care of him. And Marie, do you remember Marie?”

Jay looks at me as if he does but still says nothing. I wait, holding my breath, for the words that never leave his mouth. Hatred for the Hardings wells up and I force it back down. I don’t want Jay to sense anything but love.

Noble stops the Volvo near the house and BJ comes barreling out of the back door and hauls it to the car.

“Do you remember BJ?” I ask as BJ barks for us to open the door. “He definitely remembers you. He missed you.” I open the door and let BJ jump in the backseat with us. He steps over me to get to Jay and licks his face. Jay giggles, and for an instant I think everything is going to be okay.

Noble pulls BJ out of the car and unbuckles Jay, smiling at him the whole time. Noble’s smile could stop a war. He is warmth and home embodied and as unsure as I am of what I’m doing with this little boy, I know his life is going to be wonderful because he’s lucky enough to live it with Noble Sinclair.

Noble sets Jay on the ground and BJ tries to knock him over with love again. Marie calls BJ into the house from the side door and we follow him in. Marie beams at Jason Jr. She missed him, too.

“Hi, Jay,” she says, sounding every bit the grandmother. The thought of grandparents pushes the useless Hardings into my head again and I force them back out. “I sure did miss you.”

Jay still says nothing. BJ is at his side and as Jay kneels down to pet him, I relax the slightest bit. Kate comes tumbling into the room, screeching her approval at our arrival, and runs to Noble. She climbs into his arms and is rewarded with a giant kiss and a toss into the air. She adores him until she sees Jay on the floor with BJ. Kate’s eyes bulge and she demands to be put down.

She runs over to Jay and stands in front of him, appraising him from head to toe. Jay stands still, not sure what to make of her. Kate pulls her hands to her chest and smiles gleefully at him and in that moment, she reminds me of myself. Sometimes I forget she’s half me. She wraps her arms around Jay’s neck and hugs him and Noble takes a picture with his phone. Brother and sister united. Life is cosmic as Margo would say.

Kate leads the way as we take Jay up to his room. On the wall we had a mural painted of the woods with bugs, and birds, and small animals all throughout it. In the space next to the bed, BJ is painted on the wall and Jay walks over to that first. BJ joins him in gazing at the wall and Noble takes another picture. I motion at him to put his phone away and he takes my picture. I roll my eyes.

“This is your room, Jay. It will always be your room,” I say, and sit on the bed. The quilt has a cowboy on a horse swinging a rope above his head. There’s a plush blanket and flannel sheets on the bed. I hope he’s as tactile as his sister because Kate loves to
feel
things.

Jay walks to the other side of the room, followed closely by BJ and Kate, and looks at all the pictures I printed out and hung on his bulletin board. There are two of him dying Easter eggs. One of which is him and his prized egg that has a
J
on it. There’s one of him and Jason with a football, and one of him and Lily lying on the hammock out back.

“Do you remember Lily? She’s your cousin and she’s coming over tomorrow because she can’t wait to play with you.” Jay doesn’t say a word. How long has it been since he’s said something?

The adults swell, all crowded in this little boy’s new bedroom, all hoping he’ll love it here as much as we love him. It’s too much to put on him. He should be carefree and searching for bugs. A year and a half since his father died, almost half his life. Out of all the tragedies associated with Jason Leer, the sight of this little boy right now is the worst.

“Who’s hungry? I was just about to make lunch,” Marie says, and Kate takes Jay’s hand and pulls him out of his room.

“Be careful, Kate. Don’t play on the steps,” I say as I watch Marie lead both of them downstairs for lunch.

Noble puts his arms around me and I bury my face in his chest.
How are we going to do this?

“It’s going to be all right, Charlotte. He’s going to be fine,” he says, and raises my face to his. “You can do this. You can love him enough to make this work.” He kisses me and I’m overflowing with doubt. “I’ve been amazed by you in the past. Today I’m sure of you and what you’re capable of. Now go work your magic on him.”

There is no magic, though. If there were, I would use it, but this is just going to take time. I’ve been seeing a child psychologist since we were told Jay would live with us. Jay will meet with her, too, now that he’s here, but with only my account of what’s happening, her primary concern was reactive attachment disorder, or an inability to establish healthy bonds with caregivers. If not treated, it could develop into a lifelong, debilitating condition that may affect all future relationships.

Regardless of any diagnosis or theories, the psychologist confirmed what I already knew. This child is in desperate need of a loving, stable, safe, and permanent home.