Saving Maddie (14 page)

Dad might as well have doused me with lighter fluid and set me ablaze. He watched me, looking for a chink in my armor. I did my best to look stoic, but I knew he could
see that my insides were crumbling. I just wasn’t sure if I was shocked or jealous.

“Why are you telling me this? If anything, this just proves she needs help. And it doesn’t mean her father isn’t lying!”

“I agree. But you’re not in any position to help her.”

“But—”

“You need to be realistic.” Dad set his mug back down on the table, hard enough for some of the coffee to splash out. “Can you honestly sit there and say that you’re not attracted to her? That you don’t want to be more than just friends? That you don’t want what she’s probably very willing to offer?”

I immediately thought back to the warmth of Madeline’s lips on mine, the taste of tequila on her tongue.

“I’m not sure what happened to Madeline to cause her to change, but your mother is right,” he continued. “She isn’t someone you should be associating with. She’s dangerous.”

“So what? I’m supposed to just stop talking to her? Just like that?”

Dad nodded. “I wish I could tell you something different, but this is bigger than her. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and dropped a few bills onto the table. My plate was still full, but I had long ago lost my appetite.

He patted me on the shoulder as we headed to the car. “I don’t think Madeline’s beyond salvation,” he said. “But
you have to trust me and your mother on this. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”

And that was when I knew Dad was wrong. Because when Mom and Dad and everyone else saw Madeline, all they saw was the girl with the bad attitude and sexy body who didn’t care about her faith or her family or even herself. The girl who threatened to sway me from the path of the righteous.

But when I saw Madeline, I saw a girl who prayed before every meal. A girl whose eyes shone with sadness every time her father was mentioned. A girl who desperately needed someone to tell her she was good.

I saw a girl who was asking—no, begging—for someone to help her.

“So no more trips to the coffee shop,” Dad said as we got into the car. “You’ll leave her alone, right?”

I slammed the door shut and looked out the window so he wouldn’t have to see me lie. “Right.”

*    *    *

Dad dropped me off at home before leaving for a meeting at church. As soon as he disappeared down the street, I jumped into my car and headed in the opposite direction.

I had to talk to Madeline, face to face.

I wanted to tell her how much I liked her and how much I enjoyed hanging out with her last night.

I needed her to see that I wasn’t an idiotic jerk who went around groping girls, trying to get them into bed.

She had to understand—it didn’t matter what anyone else said or what had happened in her past. She was
beautiful and funny and brilliant, and I’d gladly drink all the coffee in Conway if it meant I could see her every day.

But when she opened the door, the words I intended to say got stuck in my throat.

“I hoped it would be you,” she said. She shielded her eyes as she looked at me. The sun outside was a floodlight compared to the darkness of the house.

“I know I should have called first….”

“No, it’s okay. I was supposed to go into work first thing this morning, but I called in and switched to an afternoon shift. I had too much on my mind; I didn’t want to be surrounded by a lot of people.”

“If you want, I can come back later.”

She shook her head. “I’ve got to head to work in about an hour. Plus, we have a lot to talk about. That’s why you’re here, right?”

I nodded as I stepped out of the sunlight and into the house. Madeline led me down a dim hallway and pushed a door open.

“I hope you don’t mind talking in my room,” she said. “We only keep the air-conditioning on in the rooms back here.”

I looked around. “I’ve never been in a girl’s bedroom before.”

“I hate this room—especially these bland white walls. It reminds me of a hospital.” Madeline gave off a dry, nervous laugh. “I want to paint the room purple, but Aunt Gwen won’t let me. Actually, since my dad owns the house, I guess he’s the one who won’t let me paint.” Madeline brought her hand to her mouth and chewed on her thumbnail.
Her other fingernails already looked like they had been duly gnawed on.

“I really enjoyed last night,” I said.

Madeline stopped chewing on her thumbnail long enough to smile. “Me too,” she said. “But I think one date’s all we’re going to get.”

I watched her go back to work on her thumbnail. “Madeline, if this is about the way I acted last night, I’m sorry.”

“My mom called me this morning. She told me your dad called my dad to get the skinny on me.” She moved her hand away from her mouth. “I heard that you thought I might have been abused.”

“It’s just…you hate your father so much….”

“Don’t worry, he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not his fault I’m so screwed up.” She smirked. “What else did your dad find out about me?”

“Nothing of importance.”

“Exodus, chapter sixteen, verse twenty: ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’” She swept her bangs to the side of her face. “Your dad told you about how I got kicked out of school, right?”

I nodded.

“Maybe now you’ll wise up and stop hanging out with me.”

“But Madeline, I don’t want to stop seeing you.” I walked over to her, the scent of vanilla intensifying with each step. “I mean, I know I’m not like the other guys you’ve dated.”

“And maybe that’s what I like about you.” She turned away from me and stared at the top of her desk, which was covered in books. The yellow rose I had given her sat in a small plastic cup.

“What are we doing?” She spun back around. “Are you looking for a girlfriend or is this just about sex?”

I held up my hand like I was taking a pledge. “Sex is the farthest thing from my mind.” She rolled her eyes.

“Okay, maybe not the farthest thing.” I sat down on the corner of her bed. “I mean, I like kissing you. But I don’t want to have sex. I just got carried away last night.”

“Joshua, I promise, I didn’t let you do anything I didn’t want you to do.” She smiled, and I knew she was telling the truth. “But you have to realize, if we keep on doing the things we’re doing, we’re bound to end up having sex.”

“I dated Jenn for over a year, and I didn’t have sex with her.”

Madeline planted her hands on her hips. “And do I look like Jenn?”

Okay, she had me on that one.

She leaned against her desk and stared at her bare feet. “I’m afraid the more you hang around me, the more I’ll corrupt you.”

“Corrupt me?” I forced myself to laugh. “Please. I’m still the same old Joshua.”

“But I’m not the same old Maddie.” She took in a big gulp of air, and took even longer breathing it out. “I was fifteen when it happened.”

I was almost stupid enough to ask what “it” was, until it dawned on me.

“Dad and I had just gotten into another fight. It all started because he wouldn’t let me go to some stupid party that night.” She kept her gaze on her feet. “He said that with the way I was built, every boy at the party would be trying to get into my pants.”

I thought again about how I had groped her, and I wanted to die. “Your dad was probably right.”

“I can’t live my life worrying about what other people think about me. If that was the case, I’d never leave my room.” Madeline balled her hand into a fist and pounded her palm. “I mean, come on. It was a school dance. He acted like I was joining a harem.”

“So you decided to go anyway?”

“Damn right. I went to that party, found my boyfriend, and took off with him. Dad had been accusing me of sleeping with Carlos for months. That night I decided to prove him right.”

Now I had to turn away from her. “Madeline…”

“Don’t worry, it was nice and romantic. His car seats were real leather, not that cheap vinyl that leaves rubber marks on your back.” She shrugged. “Anyway, after it all went down, he did what all guys do—he told his friends. And they told their friends. And I got a reputation.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “Maybe I started believing all the rumors, because the next thing I knew, I was jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend.”

“You don’t have to tell me your entire past. I don’t
care.” I wasn’t lying; I really didn’t care. I could take Madeline with all her baggage. I just didn’t want to know about it.

“I’m only giving you the highlights. This is in no way my entire history,” she said. “When Dad finally got fed up with me, he shipped me off to Trinity Christian Academy. That’s where I met Jeremy. He was a genius, but he had a little problem with marijuana. And in the process of dating him, I developed a little problem with marijuana as well.”

“You became a drug addict?”

“You’ve been watching too many after-school specials. All I did was smoke a little weed. I never did any of the harsher stuff. I may be reckless, but I’m not an idiot.” She sighed. “But then again, you have to be pretty stupid to get caught with drugs, alcohol, and a half-naked boy in your dorm room.”

I rose from the bed. “I think I’ve heard enough.”

“But I haven’t even gotten to the part about all the lewd sex acts.”

“That’s not funny.” I walked to the opposite side of the room.

“See, this is why we can’t be together,” she said. “I have a history. A bad history.”

“But I can help you—”

“There you go, using your ‘thou shalt save the unholy’ voice.” She hugged herself. “I like me just the way I am.”

“That’s not how you sounded last night.”

“I was drunk. I say a lot of stupid things when I’ve been drinking.”

We stood silent for a few moments, neither of us moving. Madeline chewed on the inside of her cheek while I gritted my teeth. I heard the ticking of her wristwatch all the way across the room.

“You’d better go,” she finally said.

“You know, you say that a lot. You’re always kicking me out.”

“Maybe this time you’ll get the point and stay away.”

More silence. More ticking. No movement.

“My life is pretty complicated,” Madeline said. “I don’t need someone swooping in and screwing everything up. I don’t need a savior.”

“I promise, I’m not trying to force you into going back to church or anything like that,” I said. “I just want to be your friend. That’s all.”

Madeline laughed. “Don’t you get it? Girls like me can’t be ‘just friends’ with guys.”

“But Madeline—”

“I’ve got to get ready for work.” She opened her bedroom door. “Do you mind letting yourself out?”

I shook my head and headed toward the door. As I passed by her, I paused. “You’re a good person, Madeline.

“That depends on your definition of good.” She pecked my cheek, then patted it. “Thanks for understanding.”

I don’t understand
, I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. I didn’t even mumble. I just walked out of her house. I was even sure to lock the door before I closed it.

chapter 13

M
adeline haunted my dreams that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I could hear her voice whispering in my ear, telling me all the things a seventeen-year-old wanted to hear. Obviously, they were not the type of dreams Godfearing Christians should be having. But given what Madeline had told me, I didn’t have to worry about my dreams becoming reality.

Dad said she had “lost her way,” but I wasn’t entirely convinced that she needed to change. Other than not going to church, the cursing and drinking, and the “stuff” she did with guys like Frank, she was perfect.

Okay, so maybe I was a little biased. There were worse crimes.

Why couldn’t Madeline see that I really cared about her? She claimed that she didn’t want me to complicate things, but she had also said that things were easier with me. She just didn’t make any sense.

The more I thought about her, the madder I got. But I wasn’t just mad at Madeline. I was mad at my parents and Jenn and Tony and even myself. I could feel the anger bubbling underneath my skin.

Feeling all that, I knew I should have stayed in my room until Mom left for church. But after hearing her call me four times—with me growing more and more annoyed each time—I went to the kitchen.

“Have a seat, honey,” she said, a smile painted on her face. “Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” She wiped her perfectly clean hands on her perfectly white apron. “Now sit down.”

I slinked to the table. Mom had already fixed a place setting for me, complete with matching silverware, a full glass of orange juice, and a steaming mug of coffee.

“Since when did you start fixing me coffee?”

She walked over to the table with a plate full of pancakes. “You seem to have a sudden appreciation for it. I figured I’d start serving it to you.”

I stared at the mug. The coffee smelled strong enough to bring Lazarus back from the dead.

Mom put the plate of pancakes in front of me and sat down. “So your father talked to you about Madeline?”

I didn’t know why she was asking. I was sure Dad had given her a play-by-play of our conversation.

“I know you’re probably upset, but in time, you’ll see that Madeline isn’t the right type of girl for you.”

“What do you know about Madeline?” I heard the spite in my voice, but I didn’t care. “You said she couldn’t be saved, right?”

Mom cleared her throat. “It’s not that I think she can’t find redemption. It’s just…well, maybe once you’re older, you’ll understand.”

“What’s there to understand? You hate her.”

Mom narrowed her eyes. “Joshua, I think I’ve had enough of that attitude.” She shook her head. Then, under her breath but loud enough for me to hear, she said, “You were never like this when you dated Jennifer.”

I pushed—or more like shoved—my plate away from me. “Jenn isn’t the Little Miss Perfect you think she is,” I said. “She was at the party the other night with her boyfriend.” I paused, letting the tension build in the room. “Supposedly, they’re having a lot of sex.”