Saving My Submission BN (29 page)

No matter how I strived to keep Davis from crafting me
a victim, each new disturbing piece of information seemed to thwart my resolve
and lock me in a foreign mental prison.

Joshua paced the room, making one call after the next.
As if sensing my despondent mien, he sat on the edge of the tub and frowned.

“Don’t you dare give that prick the power to steal
your spunk, Mellie. If you do... the bastard wins.”

He wanted me to fight Davis, to be strong and
independent. But Joshua also wanted me to be pliant and submissive—for him. He
didn’t understand… it didn’t work that way. I couldn’t be both… at least not at
the same time. Turning off my submission completely might be a deal breaker,
and the thought of losing him through all this shit felt like a knife to the
heart. But I couldn’t steel myself and try to win the war with Davis unless I tossed
away the sweet serenity Joshua had resurrected inside me. It was a no-win
situation.

Slunk down in the spa tub, I closed my eyes, wishing
the bubbling water would leach away my conflicted emotions. Half listening to
Joshua’s conversation with Ian and halfway searching for ways to keep both
sides of myself intact, I couldn’t relax.

“Can you run the image I just sent through your face
recognition software?”

Joshua’s question bled through my brooding. Turning, I
watched him pace. Tall and lean. Powerful and tender. He was the epitome of
Dominance and protection.

Will you honestly be
able to walk away from him? Turn your back on the light he’s brought back to
your life?

A single tear slipped down my cheek and I quickly
wiped it away. This wasn’t the time or the place to start mourning his loss. I
had to pull up my bootstraps and ready myself to battle Davis. But god, how my
heart was shattering to pieces.

“I understand about the sunglasses. Just see if you
can get a bead on him. Okay, call me back if you do. Thanks.” Joshua knelt next
to the tub. Concern stamped his face. “What’s wrong?”

Reaching out, I trailed my wet hand over his cheek.
“I’m sorry, Joshua. I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

“Do what, baby?”

“I can’t be a submissive to you anymore.”

He recoiled as if I’d slapped him across the face.
“Okay, hold on a second. I need you to explain that that statement to me,
little one.”

“I can’t do both. I can’t be strong and tough and not
fall apart, and yield to you like the submissive you want me to be. I can’t do
both… I can’t switch those two pieces of me on and off—not without becoming a
victim to Davis or failing you. I don’t want to lose you in all this mess, but
until it’s all over, I can’t be your submissive.” Even through the tears
burring my vision, I saw a tender smile spread over Joshua’s lips.

“Oh baby. You’re not going to lose me. When it comes
to Davis, I’d rather see you spit and fight than see you lost and afraid, like
you are now.” Wrapping his hand around my wrist, he placed my palm against his heart.
“Let me save your submission for you, Mellie. I’ll keep it right here, safe and
sound, okay?”

“But you said…”

“I know what I said, but sweetheart, things have
changed. I don’t know who we’re dealing with anymore. Ian’s trying to find that
out and so is Pruett now. But if getting you through all this, emotionally
whole means I have to deal with Mouthy-Mellie—” He shrugged. “So be it. Just
call me a son of a bitch again, and everything will be fine.”

“I won’t,” I sniffed. “I swear I won’t.”

“At least not out loud, you mean?”

I chuckled and nodded, then sobered. “I don’t know if
I’m really submissive, Joshua.”

“Excuse me?” He blinked. “Did you not see the same
woman I did in the mirror last night?”

“Yes, but that’s different. I mean, I saw that side of
myself, but the other side of me wasn’t even in the same room last night. There
are tons of subs out there that are strong
and
compliant. Why can’t I be more like them?”

“Because everyone is different. Don’t compare yourself
to others, girl. Remember the analogy about the shoes?”

I nodded, wiping my tears.

“You still haven’t broken them back in yet. It’s too
soon. I told you they were going to feel uncomfortable, remember?” He smiled as
I nodded once more. “I’m not going to let you toss them back in the closet and
slam the door, Mellie. I’m just letting you go barefoot again so you can feel a
firm foundation under your sexy feet. Understand?”

Choking out a sob of relief, I wrapped my wet arms
around his neck and clung to him.

“
Shhh
. Don’t cry, baby. I’m
not going to let you leave me. We’re going to get through this together, I
promise.” His conviction fused me, all the way to my soul.

Joshua wasn’t going to let me shut him out. He wasn’t
going to let me get lost or tangled up in the strings I still hadn’t figured
out how to unravel. No, he had every intention of being by my side, to guide
and lean on when I needed him, to protect and care for me through the dark and
through the light.

Strumming his fingers up and down my spine, he
feathered kisses over my hair as he held me tight, and I realized that
somewhere along the way, I’d fallen in love with him. But ironically there was
no panic, no stranglehold of fear, just an overwhelming warmth surrounding and
filling my heart. Why wasn’t I freaking out?

Because you’ve searched
for him your whole life; you’ve just been too stubborn to admit it. Wanting—or
god forbid—needing a man made the mighty Melinda Carson inadequate. Joshua
makes you stronger; you finally understand that now. Your irrational fear of
commitment wasn’t about losing someone close to you again. Deep down you knew
that you’d never be whole until you found that one perfect person. All the men
before him were nothing but stepping stones… leading you to the mountain.
Joshua is your mountain, Mellie, and you damn well know it.

That little voice inside my head was right.

Every man I’d dated wanted to change something about
me. That’s why it was so easy for me to walk away from them, but not Joshua
Lars, aka Master Stephen. No, he accepted me—imperfections and all—without
forcing me to fit into some preconceived mold. He wanted to cherish my
submission, nurture it and help it grow; not force it down my throat until I
choked. Only a true Dom would put the emotional welfare of his submissive
before his own needs.

Joshua had accused me of blindsiding him, but it was
crystal clear; he’d done the very same to me. Leaning back from his embrace, I
sniffed and issued a tiny, trembling smile. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d
do without you.”

“You’d do what you always do, princess… kick ass and
take names. So put your boots back on. I have a feeling I’m going to enjoy the
show.”

Something about his unabashed glee kicked my
suspicions into high gear. “You’re not going to keep a little black book of
transgressions and punish me for the things I do or say later, are you?”

He laughed. “Now, would I do something that devious?”

“In a heartbeat.” I grinned.

“No, little one, I’m not. You find the headspace you
need to cope. I’ll get your sexy ass back on the straight and narrow soon.”

“Okay. I’ll do my best to behave, but no guarantees.”

“I didn’t expect any.” He kissed my forehead and stood
back up. “I need to call Pruett back, then I’m going to pluck you from the tub
and drag you into the shower with me. We’ll grab breakfast on the road,
because…” His expression turned serious. “We need to keep moving.”

On the road again, Joshua held my hand as I kept my
focus off Davis and let my mind flutter through all the ways Joshua touched my
heart. The miles stretched into hours, interrupted only for bathroom breaks,
fuel stops, drive-through fast foods, and an occasional switch of driver duty.
Though we’d received numerous phone calls, and made even more, there was no
news. Ian wasn’t able to come up with anything from the image Joshua had sent
him. The sunglasses he’d worn resulted in inconclusive matches. Ian was sorting
through a mountain of ‘maybes’ that would take days instead of hours, and even
then there was no guarantee of a match.

When I spoke with Sanna, she sounded a bit calmer, but
I could tell she was a nervous wreck. I needed to wrap her in my arms before
she’d be convinced that I was perfectly safe. James and his fellow officers had
been scouring the city, both on and off duty, searching for Davis, but had no
new leads as to his whereabouts. I tried to tell myself that no news was good
news, but I wasn’t doing a very convincing job of it. The closer we got to
Chicago, the higher my anxiety rose.

After two days on the road, Joshua stopped outside
Joliet to re-fuel and grab some lunch. An hour and a half later he turned onto
a gravel road dark and canopied by the huge trees that lined it. Reaching down,
he squeezed my hand.

“We’re almost there, little one.”

“Good. I don’t want to have to get back in this car
for a week.” I laughed, relieved and happy to see my family again.

As we pulled up to the massive lodge, I blinked. In my
head I’d pictured a small rustic cabin; instead I stared at a huge majestic,
plantation-looking mansion. The tall, thick trees surrounding it made it feel
like an impenetrable fortress. I knew now why Joshua had brought me here.

As soon as he put the car in gear, the front door
burst opened and Sanna came rushing off the porch and down the stairs. She
hopped impatiently next to my window with tears in her eyes and my chin began
to quiver as I ripped away the seatbelt and jumped from the car.

Yanking her into my arms, I held her tight.

“Oh Mel,” she sobbed. “I’ve been so damn worried about
you.”

“It’s okay, baby. I’m here. Joshua took real good care
of me, and got me here safe and sound,” I murmured as I held onto her for dear
life.

“Savannah, you and Mellie get inside,” Dylan barked
from the porch. “We’ll unload the car.”

I felt my sister tense as she let go of me and gripped
my hand. Scowling, I watched as Dylan bounded down the stairs, a long rifle
slung over his shoulder, and join Joshua as he opened the trunk.

“What’s he so
pissy
about?
Is he mad at me for causing such a mess?” I whispered to Sanna.

“No, and you didn’t start this. That prick-faced Davis
Walker did,” Sanna replied, leaning in close to my ear. “Dylan’s gone off the
deep end. He’s in soldier mode. I don’t like it, and I’m worried about him. He
doesn’t want me going outside, and acts like snipers are hiding in the trees,
surrounding the place or something. Nick and Drake are the only sane ones here
right now.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head before shooting
a quick glance Dylan’s way.

“Savannah,” Dylan warned as he narrowed his eyes.

“We’re going, Sir,” she called back sweetly. Tugging
my hand, she ran toward the lodge. I almost tripped trying to keep up with her.

Drake and Nick stood at the doorway, armed with guns,
and gave me a quick welcoming hug. I couldn’t miss the way they scanned the
perimeter, watching as Dylan and Joshua unloaded our belongings from the trunk.

Once inside, Sanna took me on a tour of the lodge.
Inside the kitchen she grinned and threw open her hand, presenting a regular
drip-style coffee maker.

“The minute I saw that, I thought of you.”

I started to laugh, but something inside me cracked,
and sobs came out instead.

“Oh, Mel. Mel, don’t cry.” Enveloped in my sister’s
arms, the damn burst open wider. “You’re here now, and we’re all going to keep
you safe. That rat-faced bastard isn’t going to hurt you.”

Pulling back, she forced a smile. “Trust me. My badass
Master, Commander Dylan Thomas out there, won’t let a fly’s fart inside these
walls.”

Choking on a sob, I nodded. “I won’t die and leave you
alone, Sanna. I swear.”

“No. You won’t. I won’t let you.”

Both of us were crying when Joshua entered the
kitchen. He took one look at us and shook his head. Ian strolled up behind him
and smirked.

“On second thought, let’s grab the beers and head out
to the sunroom. There’s a little too much uncontrollable estrogen in this
room,” Ian chuckled.

“Where’s your compassion, man?” Joshua chided with a
sour expression. “Go ahead, I’ll meet you there in a few.”

“Ah, I see how it is. You’ve not only lost your heart
but your sense of humor, too. You’re so fucked, man.” Ian chuckled as he tossed
Joshua a beer and sauntered out of the kitchen.

“I don’t find anything funny about beautiful women
crying, asshole,” Joshua called out to his friend before casting a frown toward
Savannah and me. “Come on, you two. You’re killing me here. Dry those eyes
before you two end up getting something to cry about.”

“Holy shit, he just said what Dad used to say when we
were little,” Sanna laughed.

I covered my hand over my mouth and started to giggle.

“Oh, fuck me. So that’s the thanks I get for trying to
console you two?” Joshua grumbled with a grin. “I’ll be with Ian if you need
me.”

“Oops,” Sanna squeaked with a wide grin.

Joshua issued her a playful wink. “Since you got my
girl to smile again, Savannah, I won’t nark you out for your language to your
Masters,
this
time.”

“Thank you, Sir. You just saved my backside. Dylan’s
head is in a strange place.”

“I can tell,” Joshua exhaled deeply. “Don’t worry.
Nick will keep him grounded, girl.”

Savannah issued a pensive nod as Joshua turned and
walked away. Looking back at me, she nibbled on her bottom lip. “What do the
messages that Davis sent you say? I know they’re bad, but nobody will tell me
what they are. I don’t think they wanted me worrying more.”

Plucking my phone from my purse, I turned it on and clenched
my teeth. There were several new texts, and I had to force myself to read them.