Scars and Songs (14 page)

“No, not really,” she said looking everywhere but in my eyes.

“I was just going to play around at the studio, wanna come?”
Come on, Grace, say yes.  I need to play you the song that you, without even knowing, inspired me to write.  It’s the only damn way I can possibly tell you what is going on in my mind right now.

“Studio?”
She looked curious.

“Yeah, we have a sound proof studio apartment. That’s where we practice
every day,” I explained.

Her pupils dilated and the biggest smile I
ʼd ever seen fell across her face. 
Shit, she was breathtaking
. “How many apartments do you guys have?”

“Tucker
ʼs father owns the building. We get them for low rent and all of us chip in anyway. So, do you want to hang out?” I asked again.

Grabbing her coat, she nodded to me. “Tucker and his family seem like they have it all, huh?”

Tucker was an assbag, why the hell was she asking about him?  I hated him right then.  The thought of her with him made my skin crawl. I knew something had to have happened between them last night, I just hoped it wasnʼt anything serious. “Yeah, Tucker has it all,” I said flatly.

We started our walk to my apartment with her hair still a little wet from her shower. She didn
ʼt seem to be bothered by the coldness of the icy air; she seemed to welcome the shivers it brought. Or maybe they were being caused by her thoughts of Tucker. 
Holy crap, this girl is making me want to murder one of my best friends in his sleep
. 
Man up, Shane, and get a grip
.  She’s just another hot chick.  Spend some time with her.  Try to be her friend.  Then bag her.  Easy.

“Did you have a good time with Tucker last night? I saw you left the bar with him,” I asked her softly pulling on her coat sleeve.

She looked up to me, but didnʼt look me in the eyes, “Yeah, he took me for a drive.”
Shit, he has a jaguar. Did she like him for all his flashy toys and money? A gold digger? Yeah, that’s it.  I nailed it.

“So, do you like him?”

She clenched her teeth and cringed. Then she hesitated for a few seconds before asking me, “What? Why are you asking me these questions?”

“I was just wondering. That
ʼs all. You just didnʼt look too happy with him sitting at the bar last night. I was surprised when you left with him.” 
Why the hell can’t I shut up?

She stopped walking, looked up at me, and stared straight into my eyes.
Holy crap, did that make my pulse race
.

“What do you mean?” Her voice was soft and wondering. 
Damn, I wanted that voice to call out my name because I was deep inside her making her feel things she never felt before
.

“It was the way you responded to him,” I stammered.

“Shane, what the hell are you talking about? How did I respond to him?” Her eyebrows gently pulled together as she waited for my answer.

I tried to feign indifference by looking away. I looked up at the sky, swept my gaze along the street and then looked back to her.
Ah, might as well tell her
.  “He put his hand on the small of your back and you squirmed away from him each time he did. It looked like you were going to drink the whole bottle of Jack when he started rubbing his thumb on your back. The worst was when he touched your face, you cringed, yet you left with him.” I sighed and looked down at my feet, “I just didnʼt understand it at all.” 
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?  Just write WUSS across my forehead in permanent marker.  Smack a sign on my ass that says WHIPPED. 
I needed to staple my mouth closed.

“Strikes me as strange that you would notice all those things that you say I did. But, really who I go home with isn
ʼt any of your business. I donʼt ask you about all the girls you take home.”

“You can. I don
ʼt hide anything.”
I would tell you that I havenʼt been with anyone since the night I met you. Iʼd tell you that I donʼt want anyone but you
.  Then I would probably toss myself into the East River.

“Shane, I would probably get pregnant from you just telling me the things you did,” she laughed.

Shit. This is not how I wanted this conversation to pan out.

She started walking again. No more words passed between us. I pulled her arm towards my front door when we reached my building. I held the door open for her and led her to our basement studio with my hand gently on her back.

Thankfully, Ethan was there, sitting behind his drums twirling his sticks between his fingers. I had no idea how to talk to this girl, how to be alone with her. Even though I shared Shaneʼs memory, I didnʼt share in his outgoing comfortable way with women. Shane never had a serious relationship memory, he was shallow and when his soul was here, he was far worse than Tucker. I was surprised that his friends never asked about the huge difference in his personality change when he left and I came in. Maybe they chalked it up to him quitting his drug habit cold turkey. Little did they know that he didnʼt. Theyʼd never know how he overdosed in one of the bathroom stalls in Boozerʼs with some girl heʼd gotten high with. They would definitely never know how he did it on purpose, swallowing an entire bottle of Oxycontin before shooting up heroin, as the drunken girl lying next to him giggled.  He killed himself by overdosing
on purpose
, when he could have been someone amazing. He didn’t deserve to be on this earth, there was no way anyone could save that soul.  Lucky me though, my soul got thrown into his body, yea me…wooowhooo.  This human life sucks.

Ethan took one look at us and bellowed a throaty laugh. “Hey, Grace. Here to listen to us?”

She gave him a small nod and a beautiful smile.

He winked at me and smiled wider, “That
ʼs great. Shane never lets chicks come down here.” 
There he goes, throwing me under a bus
.

I walked ahead of Grace as she took her coat off and made herself comfortable. I grabbed one of my acoustic guitars and sat myself on the floor. I strummed a chord, debating if I should play the melody that has been haunting my dreams since the first night I met her. “Girls shouldn
ʼt be allowed down here. I canʼt find my muse if some chick is trying to suck on my neck,” I laughed. “Besides, itʼs Grace. Sheʼs just one of the guys.”

I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell her the fucked up crazy feelings that she was creating in my head. Instead, I decided I would play her the haunting melody. There was no way she’d understand the notes and the emotions from it, but at least I could get my feelings out to her the only way I could.  I closed my eyes and let the notes breathe their sounds, filling the room with my sadness.

Slow, melancholy notes twirled through the air.  So sad and haunting, it almost hurt to play them.

When I opened my eyes, Grace was kneeling in front of me hugging her arms around her stomach, fists clenched tight. Her features held an anguished expression
, her eyes shining and feverish.

I held her gaze and sang the words, just to her.

Never thought love would speak my name 

Calling me out from the shadows

So long I have been hidden

Beneath the surface, where the darkness flows

You breathed life into me

The minute my eyes found yours

Waking me from my lonely grave

Leaving footprints along my deserted shores

I know you’ll never know

How it feels to me when you say my name

Or the inferno you create in me

With your simple flame

Our eyes held each other’s long after I stopped playing and the air between us was thick with feeling.  I knew then, she had to feel something for me, something was just stopping her from taking a chance on me. 

“That was the most intense song I have ever heard, dude! That was crazy! Play that again and lemme find a good beat,” Ethan said.

“Yea, sure, Ethan,” I answered. I didnʼt look at Grace for the rest of the time.
I couldnʼt
. I just bared my soul to her and sheʼd never know it was really her I was singing about, never know she was the one who brought me back from being too much like Shane, to give me
hope
.  To want to be a better man.

Brayden and Alex showed up to practice and soon my mind was fully on my music
, my muse sitting in front of me unaware of her spell over me.

Some time later that day, Grace quietly said goodbye to everyone and headed for the studio door. I offered her a low, “Night, Grace.”

I watched as she walked away and my chest emptied. 
I couldnʼt let her go
. I jumped after her and caught up with her by the stairs. “Sorry, Grace, I get really involved in there,” I explained.

“Why would you be sorry? Listening to you guys play was epic. You guys sound even better without all the screaming half-naked girls,” she grinned and bit down on her bottom lip. 
Holy hell, was she flirting with me?

My heart leapt at her words and her smile. “I
ʼll walk you home,” I offered as I walked with her up the stairs and toward the front door.

“That
ʼs not necessary, go back to practice,” she said touching my arm lightly.

I was about to take her hand in mine when an icy chill blew in from the open door.

“Iʼll walk her home for you,” Tuckerʼs voice called from the door.

Grace and I both jerked our heads up at the sound of his voice. He was dressed in his work clothes. His briefcase dangled from his shoulder like a woman
ʼs pocketbook. 

“That
ʼs okay, itʼs only a few blocks,” Grace said.

“Well, it
ʼs dark out and a beautiful girl like you should have someone to protect her,” Tucker replied with a slick grin.
Fucking Lawyer
. “Iʼll get her home, Shane, you can go back to practice.”

She moved forward and I took that as her way of ending my disagreeing with Tucker. “Great. Thanks Tuck. Night
, Grace,” I said walking back down the stairs.

When I got to the basement, I leaned against the wall of the hallway and bent down; I could barely breath
e without her. “Michael? Gabriel?  Please, tell me what the hell is going on!” I growled under my breath.  “I don’t belong here, this is worse than hell.”  Silence answered my prayers. 
No surprise there
.  There was no way that I would be able to watch anyone start a relationship with Grace.  It would be torture for me to watch Grace fall for anyone.  Why was this part of my punishment? 
Hadn’t I paid my dues in Hell?

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs quickly. I stood straight up, waiting for one of the archangels to appear in the doorway, ready to explain everything.

Tucker walked in, all serious.  His eyes widened in surprise when he saw me, “Whatʼs wrong with you, dillweed?  You just scared the crap out of me.  Why are you standing in the hallway?”

“Where
ʼs Grace? I thought you were going to walk her home!” I snapped.

“Yeah, look, she
ʼs fine. I have to practice for the show. I want to blow her away, you know, so I can get her to
blow me
,” he laughed. I didn’t.  “No, Shane, really; I want to impress her with my playing on Friday night. Cʼmon, teach me one of those cool riffs that get you laid every night,” he said opening the studio door.

Asshole
.

There was no shutting him up for the rest of the night. All he talked about was Grace and how he was taking her on some big extravagant date that Wednesday.

“What did you say?” I demanded when I finally decided to listen to him.

Tucker smirked at me. “I am taking Grace on a date Wednesday night, to the hottest,
most expensive restaurant in Manhattan.”

I stood up quick, knocking over my guitar in my haste. “No fucking way.”

“Yeah. I told you we hooked up. I was supposed to go take her out on Friday, but she couldnʼt wait to go out with me so she moved our date to Wednesday night. Which is cool, because now I can take Alexʼs place on Friday.” He turned and gave Alex a high five. Alex yelped in pain as Tucker whacked his casts with his palm. But, Tucker didnʼt even notice that he hurt Alex, he just kept running his mouth off.  “Hey, Alex, how soon do you think Iʼll be scoring the amount of girls you do after I take your spot in the band?”

Alex tried to cross his casts in front of his chest, “You
ʼll never score as many girls as me, youʼre
not me
.  You’re just the WINGMAN, Tucker.  You’re such an ass, that you make all of us look like princes.” He got up in Tuckerʼs face, “And what the fuck man? Youʼre taking out
Grace
, why the fuck are you talking about bagging other chicks? Damn man, if I had even a slight chance with that girl, Iʼd leave all the others behind.”