Searching for Beautiful (9 page)

The buzzed feeling starts to dim. “What? You promised. There’s only a week left until the dance and you and Dad are going to be gone tomorrow.”

“We can go after. I’ll make sure I tell Dad we have to leave early for our mother/daughter shopping trip.”

“But I was going to stay at Diana’s tomorrow night, remember? Let’s just go now. It won’t take long.”

She knows how much I love dances. Diana, Ellie, and I have been making plans for this one for two months.

“I have a headache, and I’m feeling a little nauseous.” Mom shifts on the couch.

“I’ll grab you some Tylenol.”

I move toward the stairs but Mom stops me when she says, “We’re just going to have to wait, Brynn, okay? You’re being ridiculous.”

I flinch slightly. “Dude, you’re the one who wouldn’t let me go with Diana and Ellie. You don’t have to snap at me and make this my fault.”

She sighs before standing. “I’m not.” Mom grabs hold of the couch and leans on it. “I’m not trying to snap at you but I also don’t appreciate you getting so upset. It’s not a big deal. You know I would never let you end up without a dress for the dance.”

“I can call Diana and Ellie and go with them.”

“I want this to be something we do together. It’s not—”

“Don’t say it’s not a big deal again because it is to me. You know it. I don’t get why you won’t just let me go without you!”

This is a big night for me. Ian is driving us for the first time. We’re eating at a restaurant with all our friends, the first time we’re able to do things like this without our parents.
And Ellie and Diana might have sex, and maybe I’ll decide I want to as well.

“Brynn…”

“Fine. Whatever. Make me wait.” I drop my backpack by the door. “Thanks for ruining my day.”

Without another word, I run past her, into the kitchen, and out to my pottery room.

It’s the last time I see Mom alive.

Chapter Sixteen

Now

Dad’s never been one to really tiptoe around anyone. He’s quiet, yes, but tiptoe, no. But the morning after our little incident with Christian, he’s definitely walking on eggshells around me. While I’m eating my bacon, I notice him watching me, a strange look on his face. He opens his mouth, closes it. Opens it, closes it, and then gives me that
poor Brynn
smile. The one that says, even though he thinks I lied about Jason, he feels sorry for me.

Mom definitely never would have done something like have sex with an older guy and then been stupid enough to get pregnant. But she did lose babies. A couple of them, both before and after they adopted me. The adoption almost didn’t go through, either. They fought so hard for me. It used to mean I was special, but I have no idea if it still does.

My head knows that’s stupid. Regardless, I know my dad and I know he loves me, but our heads and hearts don’t always travel the same wavelength. Sometimes they’re not even on the same frequency…like they’re a whole galaxy away from each other.

The rest of the morning, I can’t stop myself from wondering what he was going to say.
When you speak, make it count
. He’s told me that a million times. Make it count. Is that why he can’t speak? Maybe he’s still trying to figure out how to make it count.

When I get to school, there’s some crazy part of me that kind of expected—or hoped? No, not hoped because after last night, I’m done pretending. That few minutes with Christian didn’t make anything go away. Actually, it made it worse. But yeah…a part of me did kind of wonder if he’d be at my locker. Walk up to me sometime in the morning and offer me a gummy bear, but it doesn’t happen. I don’t even see him until after third period and of course, he’s with the crew, laughing and talking like nothing has changed.

Which is right, I guess. Nothing has changed, so why should he pretend it has? Still, it stings. Until the whole group of them walks by me, and he waves and
winks
at me. Then, it just pisses me off. Ian gives me one of his dirty looks. Todd and Kevin don’t notice the wink or anything else, but Ellie and Diana do, and I can see the questions in their eyes.

The second I walk into health class, I hear it. That tiny baby cry that has no business here. My eyes dart around the room, trying to see if anyone else looks as surprised by the sound as I do. To see if anyone else looks like they even hear it. For all I know, I’m going crazy.

But I’m not. At least, not yet.

Mrs. Mulligan stands in the back of the room with an electronic baby. She’s fiddling around with it, pushing all sorts of buttons while two girls from my class stand there giggling and trying to help her. They all think it’s funny that they can’t turn off this electronic baby, flipping it around while they try to shut it up, and all I can think about again is:
I could have been a mom.

“Excuse me.” There’s a slight shove to my back as someone squeezes by, reminding me I’m trapped in the doorway like there’s some sort of invisible force field.

I suddenly feel like crying, but I can’t. Not here.

The bell rings, making me jump a little. Mrs. Mulligan finally gets the baby to be quiet and then looks up at me. “Come in, Brynn. Take your seat please.” She has this clueless, happy expression on her face and I want to yell at her. Tell her I had a baby inside me for seven weeks and lost it! Scream it at the top of my lungs, but then remember I’m still in high school. Too young to be a mom anyway, so do I even have a right to be mad about it? A right to feel cheated out of something I’m not ready for anyway?

One foot in front of the other, I make my feet keep moving. Make them carry me to my desk, because I have no other choices. I can’t run out of this room. Can’t give them something else to stare at, to whisper about me.

You can do it. You’ve made it this far. Keep going, keep going, keep going.

I never used to talk to myself before. Never used to have to chant to myself just to make it through, but now…now it’s all I have.

For forty-five minutes, my heart races, my stomach churns. Mrs. Mulligan is nothing but a muffled voice in the background, speaking in some foreign language that I don’t understand.

I’m pretty sure she’s talking about babies. Pretty sure we’re going to have to take turns carrying that doll around.

Pretty sure I’m going to lose it.

When the bell rings, it’s all I can do to grab my stuff before I run out of the room. Run down the hall, pushing my way through people like I haven’t since that first day I ran from Christian.

I hardly make it to the toilet before I heave. Before my breakfast and coffee and everything else in my stomach empties. The whole time I’m wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m losing it like this, but I can’t stop.

When I retch again and nothing else comes up, I flush and fall against the stall. It’s then I realize I didn’t even close the door. That it’s lunch and a miracle no one came in—unless they did and I didn’t notice.

Scrambling up, I push the door closed and lock it before putting down the toilet seat and falling onto it. It stinks in here, like it hasn’t been cleaned or something, but I still can’t make myself move. I don’t know if my legs will work. It’s obvious the rest of me is broken, so they probably are, too.

I just lost it over a doll. A freaking
doll
. I can’t stop thinking about it. I also can’t stop seeing it. Can’t stop wondering. Can’t stop remembering when I took the test. Remembering Jason telling me to get rid of our baby. The look on Dad’s face when the doctor told him what was happening. When the nurse asked about the pregnancy and I made him leave the room.

“Did you see Brynn De Luca’s face in class?” My eyes dart to the closed stall door. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in.

“It was like a freak-out. I thought she was going to blow at any second,” a girl says.

“It’s probably guilt. I’d feel guilty, too, if I got knocked up and then had an abortion.”

“She had an abortion? I heard she lost it.”

I did!
I want to tell them. I’m not the type of person who’s going to look down on someone else if abortion is the right choice for them, but I didn’t do it and I don’t want people thinking I did. I can’t say anything, partly because I’m too weak to talk about it and partly because I’m ashamed. Everyone knows about Jason and the baby, but God, it still sucks to be the girl who got pregnant.

“Of course she’s going to tell people she lost it,” the first girl says. “Why would she go around announcing she had an abortion?”

Their voices are getting farther and farther away until I hear the door creak and know I’m alone.

The urge to vomit threatens me again, but I can’t. There’s nothing there, so before I have the chance to start crying again, I push to my feet and slam open the door.

They think I did it. People think I got rid of my baby.

I stare into the mirror. I look like crap. Wetting a couple paper towels, I try to clean up.

How many people think that? Is it going around the whole school? Is that why people don’t know how to talk to me?

I toss the paper towels into the trash. Heat sizzles and scalds its way through my veins, burning me alive. I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m… I don’t even know what I am.

When I get to the hall, the bathroom door slams closed, startling me. I look to the left and suddenly the heat inside me scorches even hotter.

Christian is leaning against the lockers, Annie Jacobs, the most popular girl in school, with her perfect long blond hair, standing in front of him. She keeps moving closer and closer to him. Christian’s popping gummy bears like they’re going out of style. Is it me or did he just move away? No, why would he? And why do I care?

Just then, he looks up, his bright-blue eyes snaring me. When I start to turn away, he calls out, “Brynn! About time you got here. You’re late.” Then he says something to a pissed-off-looking Annie before coming my way.

I keep walking and he files in beside me.

“Thanks for the save, pottery girl. That chick’s a few cards short, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

It’s never stopped the other guys from caring. That’s what guys like, right? I mean, almost every boy in this school has gone after Annie at some point or another, even Ian on one of our breaks. “Pfft. Like that matters.”

“You go for girls who aren’t playing with a full deck?”

I look at him and roll my eyes. “I’m so not in the mood for lesbian jokes today.”

“Huh. I thought it was pretty funny.” He eats another gummy bear. “I thought you were finally loosening up with me last night, but looks like I need to work my magic a little harder.”

I stop, cross my arms, and look at him. The halls aren’t very busy, everyone off eating their lunch wherever it is they eat. He’s wearing another T-shirt with a long-sleeved shirt underneath. It’s like some kind of retro nineties look, if my memory of old teen shows is correct.

“I know you must have heard what happened with me.” It was a stupid thing to say.

“I don’t listen to rumors and shit like that.”

“Yeah, right. Everyone listens to rumors. Even if you heard otherwise, I don’t put out.”

Christian stops mid-chew and shakes his head. Then he closes his eyes, like he’s taking a time-out or something. It feels like forever until he opens them again and mutters, “Wow…”

Wow?
Wow?
“Wow what?”

“You’re pretty damn conceited, aren’t you? First I want to look at your ass. Now I want to sleep with you. Did it ever cross that pretty little head of yours that I don’t want you? I mean, you’re hot, I’ll give you that, but you kind of ruin it when you open your mouth.”

I’m so shocked, I can’t move. Can’t speak. I just stand there, frozen and probably looking like the biggest idiot in the world. He’s right. I’m being a bitch. What’s wrong with me?

Still, I don’t move. Can’t, even when Christian steps closer to me. Closer still. And closer until he’s leaning forward, his lips right next to my ear.

“Did you ever think, Bryntastic, that I might want to be friends?” he whispers close, so close to me I feel his breath on my neck. My body begs to jerk away. My hand burns with the urge to punch him. And a part of me wants to pull him closer.

“That I remember the girl who used to love laughing? Who used to blush all the time? The first girl I ever danced with?”

I gasp.

I was the first girl Christian danced with?

Suddenly, he jerks away. “But, nope, you didn’t think about that. Sucks, but I’m not the kind of guy who’s going to beg a girl to be friends with me. Life’s too short to spend it trying to make everyone else happy. Have a good day, pottery girl.” After popping a couple more gummy bears in his mouth, this time, it’s Christian Medina who walks away from me.

And it’s my own damn fault.

Chapter Seventeen

Now

The rest of the day, I force myself not to make eye contact with Christian. It’s not too hard to do, considering he doesn’t look at me, either. I don’t blame him and wish it were easier for me to tell him, but that fear is still engraved inside me. Fear that he’ll disappoint me. Maybe that’s not the word, but I’m afraid he isn’t who I thought he would be. It’ll hurt too much to go through that again. Christian is tied to happy memories of my childhood that I want to hold on to.

If I keep things cut off now, I don’t have to worry about them ending the way they did with Jason. Or even Ian.

After turning off the car, I get out at the community center, really wishing I didn’t have to come today.

When I walk inside, it’s full of people like it always is. Automatically my eyes scan the room for Christian, but I don’t see him.

“Hello, Brynn. How are you today?” Valerie stands in the doorway to one of the counseling rooms.

“Good.” I walk toward the room. She waits until she closes the door behind me before she speaks.

“You look a little sad today. Did anything happen?”

Yes. The boy I used to think I loved was nice to me. He was nice when most people aren’t and I was horrible to him because as it turns out, it’s scarier to deal with someone treating me normally than being ignored.