Searching for Neverland (8 page)

I nodded. “Yeah, they combined a couple of positions, and I was put out on my ass – very unceremoniously
,
I might add – along with nineteen other people, including Casey.
”

My company had been going through some financial trouble, and we’d already had two rounds of layoffs in other departments in the last six months. My department, and me, finally got the ax, and it shouldn’t have been a surprise, but I don’t think losing your job is something you
’re
ever prepare
d
for, so I was feeling pretty numb and shaken at the same time.

Financially, I was
fine. I’d been saving since I
graduated college, and I had an inheritance from my grandfather, but I was still in shock that I didn’t have to get up the next day and go to work. What was I going to do? Start searching for a new job, I figured.

“Vanessa?” Josh asked, motioning to the pretty brunette bartender behind the counter. “Can you get Taylor an Anchor Steam? Thanks.” He turned to me, and his eyes were sympathetic. “Tell me what happened.”

As Vanessa set my beer in front of me
,
and I took a liberal sip, I told Josh the very short story about how
we’d all been called into a meeting that morning and told that our company had decided to outsource human resources. They were keeping a skeleton crew of higher-level leaders, but everyone else
in the department
was being let go
. I’d gotten a decent severance
package, and then I’d packed up my desk. There wasn’t much to
tell, but by the time I’d
finished
talking, my beer was gone, so Josh
signaled for Vanessa to pour me another one.

“You didn’t like that job anyway,” he said, and I just shrugged.

“I liked the stability of having a job and having somewhere to go everyday where I felt like I could do something I was good at. HR jobs aren’t the easiest to come by, but I guess I’ll start looking tomorrow.”

Josh nodded and gave me that sympathetic look again, and I knew why. Searching for a job was probably one of the worst things. Just the idea of sending out resumes and interviewing made me nauseous. I’d been on the other side of the table for so long that it would be odd to be the one being interviewed instead of doing the interviewing.

I took a sip of the new beer Vanessa had put in front of me.

“Are you going to look for something in HR?” Josh asked me.

I nodded. “Yeah. It’s what I’ve been doing since college.”

I’d worked in a generalist role for four years and then had gotten into recruiting two years earlier when I transitioned to my current, or rather former, company.

“Do you want to stay in HR?” he asked me, and I gave him a funny look.

“What else would you have me do? I don’t think the Bucs will hire me to do sports medicine for them, even though working for them would be so cool. Maybe I could work in their HR department.”

Josh shrugged. “I was just wondering if you might be open to other options,” he said then, and I perked up.

“Do you have a lead on a job or something?”

He squinted at me, as he seemed to appraise how open I was to alternatives. I was pretty open.

“I might have something. I’ll keep you posted.”

“Awesome. Thanks,” I said, as I hugged him and rested my head on his shoulder for a few seconds.

* * *

I hung out with Josh, helping him with paperwork for the bar, until I had to leave for my night class. It wasn’t the most exciting way to spend my afternoon, but it beat sitting home and
wallowing about
the fact that I was jobless. And
I always enjoyed hanging out with Josh while he did bar stuff, so it made the time go by fast. His job was pretty cool.

I was actually thinking about our afternoon and how I was still a little buzzed from the four beers I’d drunk, so I wasn’t paying attention as I walked from the Sun Dome parking lot at USF with my headphones on. A tap on my shoulder made me spin around, and then I nearly passed out from shock.

Standing behind me, smiling in a nervous sort of way, was Alex. I slowly pulled one of my ear buds out, as I stared at him, trying to process why my ex-boyfriend/the boy who I was completely in love with, who had broken my heart, and I’d never really gotten over, was standing in front of the business building on campus.

“Alex,” I said, sounding very unsure of myself as his name came out breathier than I’d intended. 

I found myself drinking in his dark brown eyes, brown hair and full lips that I loved so much when we’d dated.  He had a dark and mysterious aura to him that had initially attracted me to him. Ironically, Alex was far from dark and mysterious once you got to know him, but I found his looks putting me back in that trance I’d been in when I’d met him for the first time and had subsequently fallen into again and again. He had a hold over me that no one else did. I didn’t like it, but I also couldn’t fight it.

“Hi Taylor,” he said, flashing me his signature smile that I shouldn’t have trusted. “I was hoping to run into you here.”

He reached out to hug me, so I had no choice but to reciprocate, as his familiar cologne invaded my nostrils. When he pulled back, I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say. It had been years since I’d seen or talked to Alex. Now he was standing in front of me, smiling and hugging me. He shifted his backpack from one should to the other, obviously waiting for me to say something.

“What are you doing here?” was the best I could do. My mind was reeling.

“I came back to school to get my MBA,” he explained. “I just started this semester.”

I nodded. That would explain the backpack. “How did you know I went to school here?”

He smiled again. “I actually saw your name on a class roster for the fall. We’re both taking
Managing Diversity
. Well, at least I hoped it was you – there could be another Taylor Ellison enrolled here. Are you in that class?”

I nodded slowly, wondering what the hell to think of all this. Why did Alex seem so interested in me all of a sudden? Or was he just being friendly?

“Um, yeah, I am,” I said, shaking my head slightly to get rid of the fog that was surrounding me. This was too surreal.

He smiled a wide smile that looked genuine. “That’s really great, Tay.”

“So, what are you taking this summer?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going although I didn’t know why I wanted to.

“
IBA 1
and
Negotiations and Conflict Resolution
. How about you?”

My mind went blank. “Um,
Assessing Performance
and
Designing Sustainable Enterprises
.”

“Cool. Those sound like good classes. I remember seeing the descriptions when I registered.”

I nodded. “Yeah, they’re pretty good.  There’s a lot of overlap, so they’re good to take together.”

I wasn’t sure why I was telling him all of that, but I was pretty much at a loss for words.

“Cool,
I’ll definitely think about that when I register for the spring
semester
. Maybe you can help me.” He looked at his watch. “I guess I should get to class. It was really good seeing you. I hope I get to do it again soon.”

I nodded. “Yeah, me too,” I said, not realizing what I was agreeing too, but when I did, I realized that Alex still had a very strong hold over me that I just couldn’t shake. I’d joked about him with Josh, but truth be told, I still felt something for him.

“Have fun in class, Taylor,” he said smoothly.

“Thanks, you too,” I said, as I watched him walk into the business building. 

He paused at the door and turned around. “Maybe we could get together for a drink or something one night after class.”

My brain was screaming ‘No!’, but my heart was saying something different. It remembered how amazing Alex was and how much I missed him. I knew I should tell him no, but it just wasn’t an option.

“Sure,” I said and wanted to kick myself for saying it.

He smiled and nodded his head once. “Great,” he said, before going all the way through the door
s
and heading up the stairs. 

I needed to go into the same building, but I didn’t think my legs would move at that moment. I stuck my dangling ear bud back in my ear and let the music of The Gaslight Anthem float over
me for a few minutes before I headed into the building. Thankfully my class was on the ground floor, so I wouldn’t see Alex before class – although, I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

I
spent the entire class period thinking about him and what our conversation had meant. Had he asked me out? Was he alluding to wanting to start things up again? I didn’t know what the hell was going on. This was the guy I’d wanted to spend my life with, but he hadn’t wanted the same thing. Now, was he telling me he’d changed his mind? I had no idea what to think.

* * *

When I got home that night and found the ho
use empty, I headed straight to
my room and changed into my pajamas. I climbed directly into bed and turned on the TV. I needed to stop myself from getting out the pictures of Alex and me from when we’d dated. I didn’t need to look at him and see us happy together. He’d broken my heart, and I had to keep that in mind.

I
nstead I watched a new episode of
New Girl
on my DVR
in an effort to block him out, but it didn’t work all that well.

I was laying on my stomach with my pillow under my elbows, mentally debating with whether I wanted to enter into another go-around with Alex if the opportunity presented itself when Josh knocked on my open door. I looked up to see him leaning against the
door frame
.

“Hey, what’s up,” I said, rolling onto my right side.

“Nothing much. I just wanted to see how class was and to see how you’re doing with the whole no longer having a job situation.”

I sighed. “I’m doing okay. I’ll figure something out,” I said, waving my hand in dismissal.
I didn’t want to think about being unemployed. It was too depressing.
“But it’s funny you should mention class. Do you have a minute?”

“For you? Sure,” he said, grinning as he came in and sat on the bed opposite me, so I turned arou
nd to face him and paused the DVR
.

“Did you go out with Kimmy tonight?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light when I spoke of her.

“I did,” he said, opening a can of Coke that
I
hadn’t noticed he was holding. He took a sip, and I stuck my hand out. He passed it to me wordlessly.

“Thanks,” I said, as I took a sip and handed it back to him. “Did you have fun?”

He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back against my pillows. “Yes.”

“Are you going to elaborate on that?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, then. I won’t ask any more questions about it.”

“Good. So, what’s up?”

I could tell he was still mad at me for being so judgmental about Kimmy, so I dropped the subject. I had enough drama of my own to worry about.

“Well, I sort of ran into Alex before class tonight,” I said, biting my lower lip, as I waited for his reaction.

“Really?” he finally sa
id, sounding slightly surprised
as he took another drink of his soda.

“Yeah, he’s going back to get his MBA too. He just started this summer. I ran into him outside the business building. He said he was hoping to run into me, it was great to see me and then,” I paused for dramatic effect, “he asked if I wanted to get a drink
after class
sometime.”

I watched Josh’s face, but he just nodded. He didn’t react like Allison would have. Had she been the one sitting on my bed listening to my story, there would have been a lot of shock mixed with shouting and profanity. Allison hated Alex.

“Now you’re freaked out?” Josh guessed.

“Damn, you can read me well.”

“Well, you’ve only obsess
ed about him for three years, so I can
only assume that’s how you’re feeling. Plus, you look a little pale.”

I put my face down in my pillow. “What am I supposed to do?” I whined, hoping he would have the answer.

“What do you want to do?”

“Make out with him,” I said into my pillow, but it must have come out mumbled, because Josh didn’t understand me.

“What?”

I lifted my head up and looked at him. “I miss him,” I said instead of repeating my other statement. This one sounded more appropriate.

“So go out with him. What could it hurt?”

“Me!” I squeaked. “It could hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt again. I fell too hard with him the last time. He always sucks me in, and I’m the one who ends up all broken-hearted.”

Josh sighed. “Tay, you’re older, he’s older. Maybe he’s different. I don’t know. All I can tell you is I know how much you want this. Believe me, I’ve been on the receiving end of too many comments from you when you are, granted, drunk, but either way, I know you’re not over him.”