Secondhand Sinners (3 page)

Levi didn’t look up.

“See? Told ya, not talking.” Alan whistled and shouted, “Hey, Levi!”

Levi didn’t move. He sat there with his blond hair caught in the clutches of his fists.

Alan kicked the bottom of the cell bars with the side of his foot. “Wanna make your phone call? People are out there wanting to see ya. Abigail Anderson’s real worried about you.”

Levi clenched his fists, pulling his hair tighter. Miller wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t been looking for some kind of acknowledgement.

“Emily is still out there. She wants to see you. Looks like she’s in bad shape. She’s got that boy of hers—”

“Jack.” It was a whisper, but it thudded to the floor of Levi’s cell with a heaviness that Miller understood. He remembered that same heaviness from fourteen years ago when he heard Daniel was dead and Emily had run away. And then again when he realized she wasn’t coming back.

Alan looked at Miller and shrugged. “I give up. You try.”

“Why don’t you give us some privacy?” Miller said.

Alan scratched his cheek again. “Well, all right. Only for a few minutes, though.”

He walked down the hallway lined with whitewashed brick.

When the door to the lobby closed, Miller faced Levi. “What happened?”

“I failed her,” Levi said. He looked up. “We failed her.”

“Who’s ‘we’?”

“You and me.”

“
I
failed
her
? You’ve gotta be kidding. Do you have any idea what it was like to lose your two best friends in the same night? To rush to Emily to comfort her over Daniel's suicide only to find out she had run away?”

“Yes.” Levi nodded. “I do.”

“That’s right.” Miller took a step closer to Levi’s cell. “
She
failed
us
, pal.”

“She protected us, and we let her down.”

“You have no idea what I’ve done for her.”

“Wrong again.” Levi stood up and took long, slow strides until he was face to face with Miller. “I know exactly what you’ve done, what you’ve been doing for the last fourteen years.”

The accusation was like a punch in the gut. Miller grabbed the bars to steady himself while he absorbed the blow. Once the reality that someone else knew what he had done sunk in, he straightened and looked Levi square in the eyes. “Who told you?”

Levi smiled. “You did. Just now.”

“What?” Miller asked in a whisper he wished Levi would emulate. “How did you—”

“Hell, I didn’t even catch it at first. You’d think I would have, though. I mean after all that time she spent in that ballet pose so I could get the arms and hands perfect. Did you ever notice how much her hands look like—?”

“Yes. I have.”

“It’s funny how the mind works, isn’t it? It was right there in front of me, but I didn’t even see it until last night, a whole two years later, when I was showing those sketches of her hands to my dad, and he asked when I had sketched Emily’s hands. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, it all fits. When you trace Abby’s birthday backward, it takes you right smack to the beginning of your senior year of high school, when you and Emily were sneaking around.”

“No.” Miller kept shaking his head. “It’s not—”

“Abby has this habit of biting her lower lip. I know someone else who does that. What I can’t figure out is how you got her.”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“I guess I could ask Emily if she knows.”

“Your grandfather. Not long before Abby was born, he called me and set the whole thing up.”

Levi laughed. “Not exactly legal, huh? If you didn’t want anyone to know, then why’d you stay so close to my family?”

“He wanted me to stay nearby so he could see Abby.” Miller was standing in the middle of one of his worst nightmares. Someone from Emily’s family had looked at Abby a little too long, a little too closely. Now two people knew about Abby’s adoption besides himself, Sara and Levi. His ex-wife and Emily’s brother. That was two people too many as far as Miller was concerned. “Did your dad see it too? Is that why you hurt him?”

“I hurt my dad because of what they did to Emily. But yeah, he saw it. He was on his way out the door to your house when I stopped him.”

It sickened Miller to think about how close he came to losing everything. He squeezed the bars tighter. “I really appreciate that, Levi. Please, you can’t say anything.”

“I’m not going to say anything.”

“Oh thank God.”

“You are. You’re going to tell my sister. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about that baby girl she gave away.”

Miller resisted his first instinct, which was to offer him anything if he would drop it. Even that was generous because he had one major advantage over Levi—he wasn’t behind bars. He raised his chin and countered. “I’m not going to tell her anything.”

“Yeah, you are. You think someone else in my family isn’t going to see it?”

“They haven’t yet. They’ve been too busy with their own screwed-up lives.”

“Yeah. I wonder what would happen if someone, oh, I don’t know…draws their attention to it? If one of them finds out and tells Emily, it’s all over for you, my friend.”

He was right about that. However, Abby was finishing up her eighth grade year. It wouldn’t be too long before she’d go to high school, graduate, and go off to college. He’d kept her away from the family pretty successfully. This was a SNAFU that Levi, thank God, had contained.

“I’ve managed up ’til now, Levi. Besides…” Miller tapped his index finger against the bar he was clutching, “you’re hardly in a place to give me orders.”

Levi put a hand through the bars and took hold of Miller’s shirt. “You tell my sister…” he cocked his head in the direction of the door where everyone was waiting, “or I tell your daughter.”

“Wh…” The back of Miller’s throat started to burn. “Impossible. You’re going to be sitting in a jail cell for quite a while.”

“I can write letters. I can make phone calls. Are you going to be able to intercept every call, every letter she gets for the rest of her life? I doubt it.”

If the bars hadn’t been there, Miller would have taken a swing at Levi for threatening his relationship with Abby. Instead he pulled away from his grasp and stumbled back a few feet. This could not be happening. He bent over and let out a frustrated growl. After a few deep breaths, he straightened his spine and stiffened his backbone. “Your sister is the one who left. She doesn’t deserve to know anything. This isn’t one of your family’s fucked-up games, you know? This is my life. My daughter’s life.”

Levi smirked. “You’re so certain about everything, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am.”

“Your passion for your certainty is heartwarming,” Levi said. “Have you ever considered that my sister left so you could keep that precious certainty of yours? You spout off about my family’s
fucked-up games
, but do you have any idea how it feels to be the instrument with which those games are played?”

Miller had to stop and think about that. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying abuse doesn’t always show up on the outside. I’m saying that day my sister left town was probably the best day of your life. I can assure you it wasn’t
her
worst. Not even in the top ten. Ask my sister what she’s certain of, and she’ll give you a one-word answer. Pain.”

“Was she…” Miller thought he might lose his breakfast over what Levi seemed to be implying. “What happened to her?”

Levi walked back to the cot and lay down on the bed. “Why don’t you ask her while you’re telling her what you did?”

Miller put his forehead against the bars. “I could lose everything. Again.”

Levi settled in, laid his hands on his chest, and locked his fingers. “That’s the problem with you, Miller. You have no idea what it really means to lose everything.”

Alan opened the door. “Time’s up, Miller.”

Miller started to leave, then Levi stopped him with one last question, the answer to which he hoped he’d never have to tell.

“Why’d you do it, Miller?”

He sighed. “You seem to know everything. Figure it out yourself.” He walked through the door with the guilt of fourteen years fogging up his mind again. He’d taken Abby because he betrayed his best friend when he had sex with his girlfriend, because he thought she was his, because when Emily told Daniel about them, he killed himself. He signed the log Alan stuck in his chest and saw Emily sitting in a chair next to her son, looking weary and defeated.

She stared at Miller, her eyes begging him for some word on the state of her brother. “Well? Did he say anything?”

Miller handed the clipboard back to Alan and shook his head. “He didn’t say a word.”

She bit her bottom lip and stared at the floor. “What am I going to do?”

The boy leaned his head on her shoulder. “Let’s go home, Mommy.”

Miller was struck by the sadness in her voice when she replied, “Yeah. Home.”

He didn’t know how he was going to tell her the truth. They hadn’t even spoken since the night Daniel killed himself because of what they did to him. How could Miller explain that he did it because he wanted to be closer to her and to gain a little atonement? If she couldn’t understand that, she could destroy his life with one phone call. She could take his reason for living away from him.

Miller walked Emily to her car and they exchanged numbers. She asked if there were any good hotels nearby. He told her there weren’t and noticed how she kept pushing her hair back and wouldn’t make eye contact with him. She really was different, not only from how he thought she’d be but also from how she was before. What
had
they done to her?

When he got to his truck, Abby took her earbuds out. “Well? How is he? What did he say?”

Miller stared at his hands on the steering wheel.

“Daddy?”

“He didn’t say anything.”

“I feel so bad for them, Levi and his sister. What do you think Mr. Norman did that made Levi want to hurt him?”

He buckled his seatbelt. “I don’t have a clue.”

Abby put her earbuds back in her ears but removed them immediately. “Oh, and that poor boy.”

He put the key in the ignition. “Yeah. He’s weird, huh?”

Abby punched him in the arm.

“What?”

“Daddy, that’s mean. It’s obvious that he’s autistic.”

The weak spot in Miller’s heart throbbed. For the first time in fourteen years he felt something for Emily other than his usual repertoire of anger and regret. Compassion. That wasn’t good, no good at all. He really was doomed.

CHAPTER THREE

Emily

Emily fastened her seatbelt and stared out the window of her car while she waited for Jack to belt himself in. The two-hour drive from Dallas to Bokchito had taken them three hours because Jack had a meltdown. She needed to get him settled somewhere before he had another one.

Why wouldn’t Levi talk? What had happened with their father? She didn’t even know he was in town. He usually called her to let her know when he was working on a new piece. Now he was in jail and her father was in a coma. Nothing made sense.

And why was Miller being so helpful? God, he looked good—better than she’d expected. She didn’t trust him. Still, there was no harm in exchanging numbers and asking about a hotel. Was there? Yes. It made her look like she didn’t know what she was doing. She
didn’t
know what she was doing. She didn’t want anyone else to know that.

She checked that Jack was buckled in and turned the key in the ignition.

Jack flapped his arms. “Yay! We’re going home.”

She sighed. How was she going to explain the situation? “No, Jack. We’re not going home. We can’t go home yet.”

In the rear view mirror, Emily saw a line form between Jack’s eyebrows. “Why not?”

“We just can’t. Our home doesn’t work right now.” She was so tired. Her head was pounding. She desperately needed him to accept what she had just told him.

“You mean there’s no electricity?”

“Something like that.”

Jack’s eyes were darting back and forth. Either he wasn’t getting it, or he wasn’t accepting it. She needed to think of something else to say to him that didn’t involve telling him they had to stay to get his beloved Levi out of jail.

She twisted around and touched his knee. “It’s contaminated.”

“Like Venus?”

“Yes. Like Venus.”

“Venus is 108 kilometers from the sun.”

“Yep,” she said, putting the car in drive.

“Where are we going?”

She pulled out of the police station’s parking lot. “Uncle Levi’s.”

***

Jack lay tucked into the covers of Levi’s bed, his eyelids getting heavy. While her son fell asleep, Emily was glad she’d decided to stay at the old shed Levi had converted into a small apartment, even if she did have to call Miller for a key. Being in her brother’s space comforted her. She brushed her son's hair out of his face and kissed his cheek.

She reached for her phone and dialed her brother’s number. After his greeting she said, “Hey, it’s me. It’s been a really bad day, and I wanted to hear your voice. I wish you’d let me see you so we can talk this through and get you out of that awful jail. I think I know why you did what you did. You were defending yourself, weren’t you? I know you’re not going to hear this message anytime soon. I wanted to tell you I love you. No matter what.”

She disconnected and climbed out of bed, taking the phone with her to the hallway. She sat, back to the wall, knees to her chest, and dialed the same number with the southern Oklahoma area code she had dialed every Saturday night for the last two years.

“Sunny Horizons,” a familiar woman’s voice answered.

“Hi,” Emily said. “I’m calling to check on Hoyt Thornton.”

“You again, huh?”

“Yep,” she answered, trying to fake a lightness she didn’t feel. “Like clockwork.”

“He’s the same as always.”

“What about his cold? Did that get better?”

“It weren’t no cold, ma’am, just a little cough. But yeah, that’s better.”

“That’s good. Does he need anything?”

“Could use a new fan and some lighter pajamas, now that the warmer weather is here.”

“Anything else?”

“Well…” The lady Emily had never met yet talked to every week took a different tone, and Emily knew what was coming next. This was their unspoken arrangement. “He’s runnin’ low on those mint chocolates.”

“So a fan, pajamas, and chocolates?”

“Mint chocolates.”

Emily smiled. “Okay.” Whoever this woman was, she was the closest thing Emily had to a long-term relationship. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“You can ask. Don’t mean I’ll answer.”

“What’s your name?”

The lady chuckled. “My name’s Jasmine. What’s yours?”

“Oh. Um…” Emily banged her head softly against the wall. She was so stupid. Why’d she have to ask that?

“Miss? It ain’t none’a my business, but why do ya keep on checkin’ on Mr. Thornton and sendin’ him all kinds of niceties if ya don’t even want t’ tell your name?”

“I want him to be comfortable. I…I knew his son.”

“Daniel?”

“Yes.”

“That poor boy.”

“Yes,” Emily said again, knowing any further explanation might give her identity away. If this Jasmine lady knew enough about Daniel to say, ‘that poor boy,’ she probably knew who she was. Her family could not know she’d been checking on Hoyt all these years when her own grandmother was in the same nursing home in worse shape that he was.

“Then why in the Sam Hill is you callin’ here to check on Old Man Thornton? Ev’ry one knows he’s the reason that poor boy killed hisself.”

He’s all I have left of my friend
.

“I’ll get that stuff in the mail next week.” Emily ended the call and rested her head on her knees, hating the fact that she still had to tiptoe around her family. They already had her pound of flesh; what more could they take from her? It was the answer to that question that kept her from telling her name to Jasmine. They wanted her blood too.

***

“You can’t tell Levi.”

Daniel took Emily’s hand between his. “Why not?”

“Because he’ll try to stop them. There’s no telling what they’ll do to him if he gets in the middle of this.”

“Does it hurt?”

She hadn’t looked him in the eyes since she told him what her parents and grandmother did to her the night before. With his hand gently squeezing hers, she was able to make eye contact.

“Yeah. It hurts. It’s better than during and right after, though.”

He furrowed his brows. “I don’t get it. We haven’t been doing anything.”

“They don’t care. They hate me. I’m going to run away. Far, far away.”

“I would really miss you.”

“I won’t run away. I couldn’t leave you. I could never leave Levi alone with them.” Emily smiled the best smile she could muster. “I’ll be okay.”

Daniel let go of her hands and put his arm around her shoulders. “If they try that again, you run. Run as hard and as far as you can. Don’t look back.”

“I couldn’t—”

“Yes you can.”

“I’ll get lost.”

“Then I’ll come find you.”

Emily woke up just before seven A.M. She hadn’t dreamt about that September morning of her junior year in a long time. She and Daniel had skipped first period to sit behind the field house because he could tell something was wrong and insisted she tell him. So she told him. It was the first time her mom and grandmother called Sister Serenity, the first of three. When they tried to do it for the fourth time, she ran like Daniel told her to. The dream always made her sad because she did get lost, and there was no one to come find her.

She crawled out of bed, careful not to wake Jack. During her shower, her thoughts kept veering to Miller. It really bothered her that he was being so helpful. She had expected him to hate her. If he did, he might be trying to lay the groundwork for some kind of revenge. What would it be? Humiliation? Shame? Guilt?

After her shower, she took her anti-depressant and birth control pill, and since she forgot her flat iron, she put a little product in her hair and hoped for the best. Anything would have to be better than the scary image that looked back at her through the mirror last night. The crooked ponytail and splotchy face made her look pathetic. Ah, that must have been it. Miller pitied her. The thought sickened her. She’d prefer he yell at her than pity her.

Once she was dressed, she pulled a bag of coffee out of the cabinet and got it started in Levi’s coffee maker. Then she checked the refrigerator for milk. All he had was soy.

What the hell, Levi?

A tapping at the door startled her.

She stood very still and waited for whoever was behind the door to go away.

“It’s me, Emily,” Miller said.

She opened the door. Miller was in jeans, a black t-shirt, and work boots. She noticed at the police station that his hair was lighter than she remembered—sun-kissed blond instead of light brown. It looked darker against the backdrop of the dark sky, more like she remembered. He was holding two brown bags stuffed with groceries.

“Miller? It’s early. Is everything okay?”

“Your hair got wavy.”

She looked down and brushed a wavy lock behind her ear. “It did that when I was pregnant, you know, with Jack. It’s still a little wet. I usually straighten it.” Why was she going on about her hair? “What are you doing here?”

“I figured Levi wouldn’t have the kind of food your little boy would eat, so I ran out to the store for you.”

She stared at him. Although she felt like crying, she had already decided she wasn’t going to let him see her cry again. That one tear in the police station was enough.

“I figured I’d leave it on the porch and call you in an hour or so. The light was on so I thought I’d see if you were okay.”

“Oh.”

“Can I come in?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry.”

She moved aside, and he walked past her and into the kitchen.

“The way I see it,” he said as he unloaded the groceries into Levi’s refrigerator, “if you have kids in the house, you have to have Cheerios and milk. I didn’t know about your guy so I got some bacon and eggs too. Is that fresh coffee? Want me to pour some?”

Miller was standing there, being so helpful, offering to make her coffee. Why? “What are you doing?”

He looked around the room in one quick sweep and then back at her. “I told you. Helping.”

“I was going to go out this morning.”

“I only picked up enough to get you started. I’m sure you have a long day ahead.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

He took two mugs out of the second cabinet he looked in and filled them with the fresh coffee. With his back to her, he asked, “You gonna go see your dad?”

The thought of facing her mom and visiting her dad sickened her. Emily stared at the floor. “I’m not sure. I may stay here today, except for getting groceries. Jack needs to get some rest and settle in somewhere.”

He held up a mug. “You want anything in yours?”

“A little sugar…I think there’s some up there…a lot of milk. Thanks.”

Miller made her coffee and took his black. He handed her a mug and leaned back against the kitchen counter.

Still not satisfied with any of his answers, she asked again, “Why are you here, Miller?”

“I told you—”

“No. I appreciate
what
you’re doing here. I mean
why
are you here? I thought you’d hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I was hoping to catch up. I’d like to know how you’ve been.”

Emily looked down the short hall to the only bedroom in Levi’s little apartment. The lump in the middle of the bed was still asleep. “Okay. If Jack wakes up, you’ll have to go.”

They sat side by side on the sofa. Miller stretched his arm over the back behind her. She sat up straight and stared out the kitchen window at the awakening sky, while both their coffee mugs sat full and untouched on the distressed coffee table.

“So?” he asked.

“What?”

“You married?”

“Yes,” she lied.

“You have the one kid?”

“Yes.” Emily had feared this very conversation for the last fourteen years, and it was worse than she imagined. “And you have a daughter?”

“Yep. She’s pretty amazing.”

Emily, still staring out the window, asked, “How is Sara?”

“She gave up on my sorry ass and left three years ago.”

“I’m really sorry.” Miller’s presence was punishing. She guessed he knew that. The slow torture of small talk was more than she could handle.

“Hey, what’s this?” Miller leaned over and picked up the yearbook that was open to a page with prom pictures.

“Oh. It’s nothing.” She reached for the book, but it was too late. He laid the book in his lap and looked at the page she had been staring at late into the night. “I couldn’t sleep last night so I got that out.”

“How’d you get our senior yearbook?”