Secondhand Sinners (9 page)

After a few waves of the most intense contractions he’d ever felt, his blood started to flow again. His heart started to beat again. Then his lungs filled with air, allowing shallow breaths. When his fingers started to tingle, he released his grasp on her. “Thank. You.”

She collapsed on top of him with her face in his neck. “Oh my God, that was—”

“Amaz—” He only got two syllables out when the door opened.

“
Looney Tunes
are over. Time for bed. Eh, what’s up, doc? Well I’ll be damned.”

“Oh shit. Don’t move,” Emily whispered, yanking the sheet over to their side of the bed and tucking it around them, creating a barrier between their naked bodies and the five-year-old boy who had no idea he was climbing into bed with his mom and the man whose chest was now stinging from her nail marks.

The other side of the bed jostled, and Jack said again, “
Looney Tunes
are over. Time for bed. Eh, what’s up, doc? Well I’ll be damned.”

All he knew to do was lie as still as possible and wait. He started to think about everything he should have thought of yet couldn’t because of the fog of lust. They hadn’t used a condom. What was going to happen now? Were they a couple, or was this a one-time thing?

Emily was still on top of him, her breathing as shallow as his. If only Jack hadn’t walked in, he’d be lying in bed with her in his arms…feeling guilty anyway. Emily had been crying. She was vulnerable. No matter who had made the first move, he had gone up there with sex on his mind. Every muscle in his body was relaxing. Even his chaotic mind was beginning to give way to the calm. He had to sleep.

When he woke up again he was shaking. No, his shoulder was shaking.

Emily whispered, “You have to get up. Miller, you have to get up.”

He whispered back, “Hey.”

“Hey. You have to get up.”

What he wanted to do was have sex again, but not with a five year old in the bed. “Come downstairs with me,” he whispered.

“Why? So Abby can walk in on us? You have to go. Slowly.”

He moved one leg off the bed and rolled slowly, an inch at a time, while Emily shifted her body to compensate. A few minutes later, he pulled on his boxers and jeans, which took some skill to find and separate from Emily’s clothes in the dark. When he was zipped and buttoned, he leaned over to her, careful not to jostle the bed as he bore his weight on the headboard.

“Are you okay?” he asked her.

“Very,” she whispered in the dark. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

He snuck out of the room, went back to the sofa, turned the TV off, and then promptly fell back to
sleep.

CHAPTER TEN

Emily

Emily climbed back into Miller’s bed after finally getting back into her shorts and his shirt. She was still missing some clothing, her underwear to be specific. At least she had clothes on. She lay on her back, staring into the black above her and replaying the memory of having sex with Miller. In some ways it was different from when they were young. No surprise there. The surprise was in how familiar it felt, like they’d been doing it for the last fourteen years. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the realization that they weren’t much better at it than when they were in high school. If she was going through a bit of a dry spell, Miller must’ve been in a full-on drought.

Now that she was lying still, savoring the comfort that came from being with Miller again, she fought the sleep that was creeping in. She wanted to revisit the memory, wanted to fall asleep to it. Also, she hoped that if she fell asleep to that memory, maybe Daniel wouldn’t haunt her dreams again. It wasn’t only the dream about Daniel that was haunting her. There were other memories catching up to her too. Darker ones. The longer she was in town, the more visits she got from the ghosts of her past. Lying there with Miller’s covers pulled up over her chest, she felt the dark cloud moving in, casting its pitch black shadow over her, stripping her of the comfort and ease she’d experienced since Miller high-fived Jack in front of the pot of frying fish.

Instincts kicked in and screamed at her to leave, to run away from what was about to happen. She couldn’t run. There was nowhere to run to. Besides, the last time she ran she lost everyone she loved. Emily closed her eyes and visualized the scene, remembering that September night when she was a junior in high school.

She walked through the quiet house to her bedroom and opened the door. Her mother and grandmother were inside, rifling through her stuff. Ma'am was on the floor, on her hands and knees looking under her bed.

“What are y’all doing?” she’d asked.

Ma'am stood up slowly, locking eyes briefly with Gail and then fixed her hard gaze at Emily.

“Tell me,” Emily said, stepping through the door. “What are you doing?”

Gail put her hands on her hips. “Where have you been?”

She looked from Gail to Violet and back to Gail. “Studying with Daniel. Why are you in my room?”

“Studying what?”

“English III.”

“Was anyone else there?”

“Miller and Sara were there for a little while.”

“Was that other boy there? That stepchild?”

“Alan? No.”

“What about Daniel's parents?” Ma'am spat. “Were his parents there?”

“Yes. I ate dinner with them. Why?”

Ma'am jabbed her finger at her. “You’re telling us that you sat down at a table and ate dinner with Hoyt and Verna Thornton? With that old man and his young wife.”

“Verna is my age, Mother,” Gail said. “I’d hardly call that ‘young.’”

Emily could feel her lower lip began to quiver as she fought to hold back her tears. “Did I do something wrong?”

“We’re trying to understand why you’re spending so much time with Daniel,” Gail said.

Not this again.
“Oh my God. I—”

“How many times have we told you?” Gail threw her arms up in the air. “Do not to take the Lord’s name in vain!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Tell us,” Gail persisted, “why are you spending so much time with Daniel?”

“He’s my best friend.”

“Well, we’ve been hearing some things,” Gail said slowly. “About you and him.”

“I told you those were rumors. Daniel and I aren’t having sex.”

“Yes. That’s what you told us. You have to understand that rumors are easier to believe when evidence starts to pile up.”

“Evidence? What evidence?”

Ma'am scoffed. “I saw a car that looked like Daniel's diving off our property late last night with its lights off.”

“Seth and James sneak out of the house all the time without Uncle Walter knowing.” Emily bit her lower lip and then backtracked. “Not that they do. I mean…they could.”

“The car was on our side of the fence,” Gail said.

Emily shook her head and fixed her eyes on the ground. “It was probably a stranger.”

“Then this afternoon,” Gail continued, “your grandmother found a used condom out by the barn.”

Ma'am folded her arms in front of her chest. “Looks like someone tried to throw it in the burn pile but missed. How dare you fool around with that Thornton boy? And on my land.”

“Why does everyone assume it was me? No matter what it is, you always think I’m to blame. What do I have to do to prove myself?”

Gail held her hand out. “Let me read your diary.”

“What diary?”

“The one your grandmother gave you for Christmas last year.”

“I don’t know where that is.”

“Well that’s convenient,” Ma'am said, taking a step closer.

Emily felt closed in, trapped. “Honest. I don’t keep a diary. Even if I did, it wouldn’t say anything about having sex with anyone because I’m not.”

“All right then.” Gail nodded briefly. “We’re calling Sister Serenity.”

“No.” An immediate surge of panic made her cheeks feel like they were on fire. She always thought those stories about the old lady who stood outside the school handing out handwritten pamphlets about cleansing the body and soul were tall tales, exaggerations at the very worst. She even felt sorry for her. Then Becky Massey missed three days of school after her grandmother called Sister Serenity to come to her house. The crazy lady had her own granddaughter douched with hot water and bleach when she found out she was having sex. Becky’s recounting of the whole ordeal was terrifying. “You can’t. That old woman is a crazy whack-job. Everyone knows that.”

“She helped a lot of women in this town back in the day,” Violet said. “An’ it was all natural. I’m not talkin’ ‘bout delivering babies and handing out remedies. She was helpin’ women who’d been defiled and violated against their own wills, women who thought they’d never feel clean again. That’s what you need, young lady. You need to be clean again.”

“But…” Emily was struggling to keep her voice steady as the tears she was holding in started to burn the back of her throat. “I
am
clean. That lady is crazy. How could you want her to do that to me?”

Gail closed her eyes in a tight squint. “I’ve had about enough of this.” Her eyes popped open, and she came at Emily with an open palm, stopping just short of slapping her. After a deep breath, she said, “You quit your arguing and start cooperating or I’ll
put you on the first bus to Aunt May’s with a one-way ticket.”

So her only choices were to stay there and let Crazy Sister Serenity scald her with her bleach concoction or go to Houston and live with her grandmother’s old maid cousin. May was mean, and the last time she and Levi were sent there for a visit, she made them get up at three in the morning and clean the entire house because Levi wet the bed. That was years ago, yet Emily was still terrified of the woman. So there was no choice, really. She had to stop arguing because she couldn’t leave Levi there alone in that house or Daniel alone in that town. Plus, the thought of not seeing Miller and Sara again made her sadder than she expected.

“Well?” Gail crossed her arms over her chest. “Aunt May or Sister Serenity? Your choice.”

“Sister Serenity,” she relented.

“That’s better,” Gail said. “Now finish up your homework. She’ll be here soon.”

“You’ve already called her?” Emily looked at the two of them. She hated them. She’d never forgive them. She tossed her backpack at her mother’s feet. “Forget it. I’ll run away.” She ran down the stairs and slammed the back door on her way out.

She ran until she was sure no one was following her and then walked at a quick pace with no clue where she was going. Where? Anywhere. Anywhere except in the same house as her mother and grandmother. Why didn’t they go ahead and send her to Aunt May if they hated her so much? She knew it was because if they kicked her out, they wouldn’t be able to control every single detail of her life. Maybe
she would run away, then. If only she could. There was no way she’d ever leave Levi or Daniel. They didn’t just need her. They needed her to be strong.

She made it over the second hill between her house and the old barn when she saw a truck parked on the other side of the stock pond. It looked like Miller’s truck, which was crazy. Why would Miller be out there? It was too dark to be sure, so she went investigate. The closer she got, the more confident she became it was Miller’s truck. There was no one in the cab, though the gate to the bed was down. She wondered if he’d broken down. That didn’t make sense either. He said he was going home after he dropped Sara off. Oh…what if he hadn’t taken Sara home yet? What if they were in the bed of the truck together?

Curiosity, or something else, something she wasn’t quite ready to admit to yet, propelled her to the truck. If she heard anything that sounded like sex, she’d run away, but she really wanted to see what Miller and Sara were doing. With each step closer to the truck, she grew more and more relieved that there were no awkward noises or cries of passion or whatever sounds people made when they were having sex. It was dead quiet. If she was ever forced to imagine it, or think about it for longer than a millisecond, she would guess her parents had sex in silence. She guessed Miller and Sara wouldn’t be so quiet.

She slowly advanced to the front of the truck so she could hide behind the cab until she knew what she was barging in on. When she got close enough to
look inside, all she could see was Miller lying on a thick blanket with his eyes closed.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

He startled and opened his eyes, then relaxed when he saw it was her. “Hanging out.”

“Here? Alone?”

“I like it here.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “Just do.”

“You come out here a lot?”

“Every once in a while.”

“Move over.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to join you.”

He scratched the top of his head. “I don’t think that’s such a great idea.”

“Whatever.” Emily went around to the back of the truck and climbed into the bed with him. “I need to hide out for a while.”

“Who’re you hiding from?”

“Who do you think?” She lay down next to him. “My mom and grandmother.”

“Oh.” Miller scooted over more.

“Geez, Miller, I’m not going to bite.”

“I’m trying to give you room.”

That was a nice gesture, considering no one ever wanted to give her room. They wanted to crowd into whatever space she had and fill it up with their demands, accusations, and criticisms. She didn’t want Miller to give her room. She wanted him close, very close. So it was probably best that he did scoot over. She looked up at the full moon and tried to concentrate on it rather than the fact that she was lying there with Daniel’s best friend, and she was glad they were alone.

They lay there in silence for what must’ve been a half hour. It was Miller who broke the silence.

“So what’d they do this time?”

“Same old thing. Digging through my room looking for evidence of something that doesn’t exist.”

“What’s that?”

“They think Daniel and I are having sex. We’re not.” There was something about saying that to Miller that felt really good. She wanted him to know that. She needed him to know.

“Oh,” Miller said again. “I thought…there’s all those rumors…I never asked Daniel so I thought…”

“It’s not like that with us. I don’t really love Daniel. I mean, I do love him. I’m not in love with him. We’re not going to be together after high school.”

“You’re not?”

“We’ve already talked about it.” She regretted saying it the moment it came out of her mouth. Truthfully, though, the part of her she hadn’t accepted yet longed for Miller to know that. She looked over at him. The way he was looking at her was hard to understand. No one had ever looked at her like that. So deep, so full, so intense. Like she could recite the listings of the Bokchito Yellow Pages and he’d think it was poetry. Like she couldn’t do anything or say anything or think anything wrong. Like she was perfect the way she was. It creeped her out a little. She swallowed hard. “We’re not having sex but someone is. I think it’s my cousin Seth. He
goes through girls like…ew. You and Sara aren’t leaving your condom wrappers out here on the property, are you?”

“What? No. Huh uh,” Miller blurted out. “No way.”

“Really? So you’ve never…ya know?”

“It’s not like that with us either.”

“It may not be that way for you, but it sure is for her. She’d have your baby in a second if you asked her to.”

It happened so fast, Emily couldn’t have stopped it if she wanted to, but she knew what was coming by the way he was looking at her, and she didn’t want to stop it. Miller rolled over onto his side, put his hand on Emily’s face, and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back, hoping it would never end. When he pulled away, he looked sad.