Secret for a Nightingale (48 page)

Somewhat battered and the worse for the voyage, we reached Marseilles.

Then there was the journey to Paris, where we stayed a night in the same hotel in which we had stayed on the way out.

Then to Calais and the ship which was to take us across the Channel.

We had plenty to do looking after the soldiers we had with us, even though none of them was seriously ill.

As the white cliffs came nearer, my emotions were in a turmoil. Home seemed so cosy and comfortable, and yet I felt that so much of me had been left behind. I was disconcerted to learn that I had betrayed my feelings to such an extent. Eliza had made me realize the strength of them. Had I really looked as Eliza said I had? Transported! Glowing, was her exact word. Was it so obvious? And had he noticed?

How foolish I was! I had set out to destroy him and it seemed as though he had destroyed me.

I would have to face the truth now. I wanted to be with him. More than anything I wanted that. He was the most fascinating person I had ever met. He was complex. There was so much to learn about him . more than one could learn in a lifetime. Had he destroyed my child indirectly? No, Julian was already dead when he came. But he had influenced Aubrey, I believed. My encounters with him had been brief;

the knowledge that he was near had exhilarated me; and what I had thought was burning anger had turned into something else.

And he had taken Henrietta!

I felt that he wanted me to know that. He had been angry because I had

turned away from his advances. There was no doubt in my mind what those suggestions of his had meant. He had wanted to have me with him his willing mistress and slave. There had been no hint of marriage. Would a man like that want to marry? A wife, a normal family, would impede his freedom. He would want to pursue his adventures whenever the mood took him. He was arrogant and immoral; he was accustomed to stride through life taking what he wanted and leaving it as soon as he no longer wanted it; and he would not change for any woman.

He was unique. That was why he-felt he was entitled to act as he did.

And I had been foolish enough to allow myself to be caught up with him. How amused he must have been! To see me, shining with joy just because he had spoken to me! Eliza saw it, so he must have seen it, too. He would believe that I had turned away from his suggestion because I was afraid of him, afraid of stepping out of the conventional mould.

And so . he had beckoned instead to Henrietta and she had readily gone to him.

What a mess I had made of everything! First my marriage. Should I have stayed and tried to make a different man of Aubrey? Should I have helped him fight that terrible addiction? When it was happening I had believed there was nothing I could do about it but leave him. But had I been wrong . callous, indifferent? I had broken those vows I had made to love and cherish in sickness and in health. And then my senseless notion of revenge had kept me afloat in the sea of misery in which I had been drowning when I lost my baby.

I had been foolish. I should have faced up to life. I should have looked it squarely in the face and not deceived myself.

Well, now I had to start again.

Could I marry Charles? Would it be fair to him when my feelings were so strongly engaged towards someone else . and such a man! There could never have been anyone like him. If I saw him again, how strong could I be? So . how could I marry Charles?

I was thankful that Eliza was with me. Perhaps we could go to one of the hospitals together. After all, we were trained for the work.

The cliffs were so near now. We were almost home.

It was a moment of great joy when we arrived at Victoria Station for my letter had arrived in time to warn them of my coming and Joe was waiting there with the carriage. Lily was with him. I shall never forget the sight of her when she ran into William’s arms.

For some moments they clung together. She looked at him, searching his face to see if he was the same . her William.

Then she turned to me.

“Oh, Miss Anna … you saved him. You brought him home to me.”

“It was not I who saved him. Lily. It was the doctor … Dr. Adair.”

“May God bless him. I wish I could thank him for what he has done.”

And there was Joe. He just stood looking at me.

“Home, then …” he said.

“Them there is like cats on hot bricks.

Been in that state ever since they knew. “

“And where is Miss Henrietta?” asked Lily.

“She’s staying out there … for a while.”

“Oh … I thought you was both coming home.”

“This is Eliza, Miss Flynn. She was nursing with me and she is going to stay with us for a while.”

“Well, fancy that,” said Lily.

“What a time you must have had. I’m so glad you was there. Miss Anna. I can’t tell you how I felt when I heard from you that William was safe.”

“Better be getting on,” said Joe.

“Them horses is impatient. Don’t like standing too long.”

And there we were in the carriage trotting through the streets.

As the carriage drew up Jane and Polly were at the door. I ran to them and they embraced me.

“Well, well,” said Polly.

“This is a day, and all. We’ve been counting the days, ain’t we, Jane?”

Jane said they had and wasn’t it wonderful to see me and where was Miss Henrietta?

I told them that she was staying behind for a while, and that

I had brought Miss Eliza to stay with us. She had nursed with me.

In the hall they had fixed up a banner on which was painted “Welcome Home’. It was very touching. I stared at it with emotion and thought how lucky I was to have such people who cared for me.

“Well, there’s roast beef,” said Polly.

“We thought you’d like that after all the nasty foreign stuff you must have been eating.”

“You think of everything,” I told her.

Eliza was a little subdued but Jane and Polly were warm and friendly towards her.

“I’m putting you in Miss Henrietta’s bed because that’s all aired and warmed,” said Jane.

“How long before Miss Henrietta comes home. Miss Pleydell?”

“We’re not sure. I think it’s a good idea to give Miss Flynn her room.”

How strange it seemed to sit at a table with spotless napery and to eat the perfectly cooked meal which Jane set before us. Lily and William stayed to eat with us and I insisted on Jane and Polly sitting down with us too.

“T’aint right and proper,” said Jane; but they were pleased none the less.

Afterwards Lily and William left; and Joe drove them to the Clift shop where I had no doubt a great welcome awaited them.

It was stranger still to lie in a comfortable bed in a room of one’s own. How cool the sheets seemed and they smelt of the lavender sachets which Polly put in the linen.

And yet I felt restless and sad and as if I should never know contentment again. I was foolish and the truth was becoming clearer to me. I had fallen in love with a myth.

B The days seemed long. There was not enough to do. I shopped a little, though I seemed to have so many clothes. It was something to do.

Eliza fitted in well and was soon on friendly terms with Jane and Polly. They accepted her; and the verdict was that she was one of them.

“Lord love a duck,” said Polly admiringly, ‘that one’s got the strength of a man. ” That was when Eliza had shifted a piece of furniture in one of the rooms. She was so eager to make herself useful and insisted on helping with the housework.

We were making enquiries about a suitable hospital where we might work. I read in the papers that Miss Nightingale was raising funds to train a superior order of nurses at St. Thomas’s and King’s College hospitals. We wondered whether we should be eligible to join. While we were pondering on this, Charles Fenwick arrived in London.

His coming was treated with obvious approval, not only by Eliza, who had often made her feelings known to me, but by Jane and Polly.

They excelled themselves with the lunch they provided.

After the meal Charles and I went for a walk in Kensington Gardens, where he told me of his plans.

“I did say that I would wait before getting involved in a practice, that I might consult you. But this came up and it seemed ideal. I had to make a quick decision.”

“I’m glad you did. It’s for you to decide, Charles.”

“You know that I hope it will be your life, too.”

“I don’t want you to consider me, Charles. You see, I may not…”

“I understand. You’re unsure. All that has happened is so unsettling.

I don’t think anyone who was out there and saw what we saw and lived through it will ever be quite the same again. “

“You are so good and understanding that it seems churlish of me …”

“Oh, nonsense! I want you to be happy. I want you to be sure that you are doing what is best for you.”

“I know I’m being foolish. It is just that I am so undecided.”

We sat near the Round Pond and watched the children playing with their boats.

I tried to explain.

“I’m not a young and inexperienced girl. I have been married. It all seems so wonderful at first and then it changes and you see what a mistake you have made.”

“It would make one wary,” he agreed.

“I shouldn’t be … of you. I know how kind you are … how good. It is you who should be wary of me. I left my husband. Had I been a good wife I should have stayed, no matter how hard it was.

Perhaps I am not the sort of person who makes a good wife. “

“With the right marriage, you would. I’ll tell you what we’ll do.

We’ll go down to Meriton. That’s the name of the place. It’s rather pleasant, isn’t it? It’s in Gloucestershire. I love the Cotswold country. The practice is a partnership. There’s a Dr. Silkin. He’s not exactly old but middle-aged, mid-fifties and he wants to ease off a bit. He wants a partner with a view to taking over the whole practice in due course. It’s an excellent opportunity. I took a fancy to him and the place. “

“It sounds ideal for you … just what you were looking for.”

“I’ve found a pleasant little house which would suit us nicely at first. It’s almost exactly next door to the doctor’s house. There’s a charming garden with two apple trees and one cherry tree. It would be ideal for us to start off with. I’m longing for you to see it.”

“I’m so afraid …”

“You mustn’t be afraid of anything. I want you to know that I understand perfectly. You’re not sure yet. Well then, the wise thing is not to rush into anything. But come down to see it. No obligations.

Just come and tell me what you think of it. “

“As long as you understand …”

“I do. I assure you I do. When will you come? Come on Saturday. Bring Eliza with you. Then you won’t be travelling alone. I’ll meet you at the station.”

“Yes, I’ll come,” I said.

We came through the Flower Walk where the nannies were sitting while their charges ran round them. I thought how charming the children were and I felt that pang of sadness they always aroused with their memories of Julian.

Then we went back to the house where Jane was toasting muffins for tea and Polly was preening herself about the cake which, as she said, ‘she had duffed up in a jiffy’ because we had company.

Everyone seemed in a euphoric mood and I guessed by the looks they exchanged that they all believed that this was, as they would say, ‘my intended’.

As arranged, Charles met us at the station in the brougham which he used for his rounds. He greeted us with delight and Eliza and I sat inside while he drove up front.

The countryside was beautiful. Perhaps it seemed more so because it was so long since we had seen leafy lanes and green fields where buttercups and daisies grew. Everything seemed fresh and peaceful.

Then we came to Meriton, an ancient market town. Everywhere was the grey Cotswold stone. Aubretia and arab is grew out of the walls in front of the houses, behind which were gardens ablaze with flowers.

Eliza said: “What a lovely place. I never knew there was such places.”

“It is rather lovely,” said Charles proudly.

“It’s so peaceful.”

“Yes, that’s what one thinks of … peace.”

We went first to Charles’s house. He had already acquired a housekeeper a comfortable, middle-aged woman who clearly, after the fashion of her kind, was determined to ‘mother’ him. The house with its. creeper-covered grey stone walls was charming, the garden well-tended.

“A man comes twice a week. I inherited him from the previous owners.”

“You manage very well,” I said.

“I can see you are already part of Meriton.”

“We are having luncheon with my partner. He insisted when he knew you were coming. He has a bigger establishment and he said it was easier for you to go there. As a matter of fact, I am invited to lunch with them every Sunday. It’s a very pleasant arrangement.”

I understood what he meant. Dr. Silkin, fresh-faced, grey-haired, was a very pleasant man. He greeted us warmly and it was quite clear to me that he was immensely satisfied with the arrangements he had made.

Charles, I was sure, was a trustworthy partner and it seemed to me that Dr. Silkin was still

congratulating himself on finding someone eminently suitable.

“You must meet my daughter,” he said.

“Dorothy,” he called.

“Where are you? Our guests are here.”

I was not expecting anyone so young. I guessed her age to be about twenty-one or -two. She had rather lovely brown eyes and smooth brown hair drawn down on either side of her face with a knot at the nape of her neck. It was a gentle face, beautiful in a way, without being regular featured but with an expression of kindliness. She was the sort of person one liked immediately because there was about her an inner goodness which I have sometimes seen in older faces, rarely in one so young.

She smiled at us and said: “Welcome to Meriton. Charles has told us about you and the wonderful things you have been doing in the Crimea.”

“Dorothy is avidly curious about all that went on,” said Charles, looking at the girl with a kind of tender indulgence.