Secretly Hers (Sterling Canyon) (20 page)

“So, when did Wade get the bad news? Last night?” Maybe Kelsey had received a text after they’d left her parents’ party. That could explain the dip in her mood late last night, and why she wouldn’t want to discuss it with him.

“Nick couldn’t reach Kelsey, so he called Wade after church this morning.”

Trip wondered if Kelsey had turned off her phone this morning to rest without interruption. She probably called him after she got Nick’s message, ready to ream him out. Given her discomfort and mood this morning, the timing really sucked.

Bob continued, “Gotta hand it to Kessler, though. He’s a class act. Nick said he was polite. Told Nick to please call him if the family changed their minds.”

“I’ve got no personal problem with Kessler. He’s fair. But his goal is to make money, period. I honestly believe that development would’ve been bad, in the long run, for Sterling Canyon.”

“Hey, man, you’re preaching to the choir!” Bob chuckled once more, but Trip knew his own words had mostly been about convincing himself that hurting Kelsey had been for the greater good.

“Well, I’m sitting out here on a cold bench, so I’m going to hang up and head home.” Trip stood and lifted his skis. “Thanks for the update. You have a good day.”

Trip stuck the phone in the backpack, hefted his skis over his shoulder, and walked the few blocks to his home. After a quick shower, he called Kelsey again, hoping she was feeling better, and that she didn’t hate him for killing her deal. Maybe he’d pick up her favorite takeout for dinner as a peace offering.

“Trip, it’s Maura,” Maura said when she answered Kelsey’s phone.

“Maura?” His heart stuttered. “Why are you answering Kelsey’s phone? Did she get sicker today?”

Maura hesitated, as if trying to figure out what to say. “You should come over as soon as possible.”

His pulse sped up slightly as he frowned. “I was already on my way. You sound upset. Is this about Wade Kessler?”

“Wade?” Maura’s confused tone gave him his answer. “No. Just come, okay.”

“Hang on. Tell me what’s wrong.”

After a pause and a sigh, he heard her sniffle. His stomach dropped to his feet while he waited for an answer. “I’m sorry, Trip. Kelsey miscarried. I’m really, really sorry, for both of you.”

Everything went hazy for a second as he processed the news.
Kelsey miscarried
. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

He shoved his phone in his pocket and let white-hot anguish consume his body. He shouldn’t have gone skiing today. He’d known it this morning, but shoved aside his instincts to satisfy his own selfish need for pleasure.

The image of Kelsey crying all day, depressed and in pain without him by her side, intensified his guilt and self-loathing.

If this news struck him like a lightning bolt, Kelsey must be inconsolable. No woman ever wanted to be a mom as much as she did. The knowledge that she’d lost the thing she’d most wanted in the world hammered his heart.

Hell, on top of that loss, she probably also received Nick Copeland’s message. Trip had to get to her and find some way to make it all better. Pacing like a prisoner looking for an escape, he finally kicked his bedroom door, loosening the hinges.

On shaky legs, he trotted down the steps to the street below, then broke into a sprint.

Using his key, he let himself into her apartment. Maura was in the kitchen fixing a cup of tea. He expected to see Avery and Emma, too, but was glad neither was there.

“Where is she?” Trip tossed his keys aside and crossed to the kitchen.

“Resting in bed.” Maura blankly stirred cream in the cup. Her red eyes and blotchy face proved she’d spent the day as distraught as her sister.

“What happened?” Trip gripped the back of the kitchen stool to counteract the current instability of his body. “Did she fall or something?”

“No.” Maura shook her head, her eyes watering. She wiped them dry. “Doctor Davis says that about twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and they don’t always know why. Most likely this was nature’s way of dealing with a genetic defect in the fetus.”

“The doc thinks there was a problem with our baby?” Those two words—our baby—stabbed his chest. Their baby no longer existed, a fact he still couldn’t quite wrap his head around.

“Most likely.” Maura tentatively touched his forearm. “But she examined Kelsey and didn’t see anything to prevent her from getting pregnant again, or carrying to full term next time.”

Mired in his own grief, Trip didn’t respond to Maura. He felt her mood shift before she released him and he saw her hardened expression.

“Of course, you’re not married, so maybe that last part isn’t your concern.” Maura started to turn away, but he grabbed her arm.

In a terse but low tone, he said, “We’re all upset right now, but don’t think for one second that I don’t feel this loss as much as the rest of you. And whatever happens between your sister and me, I know how much being a mother means to her, so it is very much my concern that she still can be one someday.”

Maura shrugged out of his grasp and nodded. “Sorry. I was out of line.” She rubbed her forehead and heaved a sigh. “Let me take her this tea, then I’ll let you two have some privacy.”

Five minutes later, Maura returned to the living room with her purse in hand. “She knows you’re here and asked me to go home, but please call me if she needs me. And Trip, I am sorry for your loss, too. I hope . . . I hope you two can comfort each other.”

After Maura closed the front door, Trip scrubbed his face with his hands and then walked to Kelsey’s room. He drew a deep breath before opening the door.

She lay propped up in bed with Cowboy nestled at her side. When she looked up at him, her chin quivered and fresh tears sprang from her eyes. In three strides, he was at her side.

Careful not to crush her or hurt her, her took her in his arms. Her sobs were loud and authentic and filled with raw emotion, just like every other part of her. His got stuck in his throat, strangling him, keeping him from saying things he felt. Things like how much his heart hurt. How much he’d been looking forward to raising that child with her. How maybe they could try again, if she wanted—a wistful wish that shocked him.

Instead, he remained in silent agony, clinging to her to keep from drowning in his own sorrow.

He’d never felt less of a man.

Kelsey hiccupped and eased away from Trip, pressing herself back into a wall of pillows, looking utterly exhausted. She grabbed more tissues from the nightstand and blew her nose.

Avoiding his gaze, she squeaked out, “I’m sorry,” and her face began to crumple again.

He kissed her forehead. “Don’t you apologize for anything, princess. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve stayed with you today. I knew you weren’t well, but I took off, like a selfish bastard, determined to ski.”

“You didn’t know.” She wiped more tears from her cheeks.

“I knew
something
was wrong.” He ran his hands through his hair, acid burning its way through his gut. “Still, I couldn’t resist the draw of all that snow.”

Kelsey glanced out the window. “Well, October ninth will be memorable for more than that freak storm now.”

Trip didn’t know what to say. His thoughts were racing around his head like a hamster in a wheel. “Do you feel okay? I mean, are you hurting anywhere? What can I do to make you more comfortable?”

“Nothing, Trip. There’s nothing you can do.” She glanced at her phone, and then up at him. “Turns out losing the baby isn’t the only bad news I got today, by the way.”

She slid him a sideways glance, as if gauging what he knew.

Damn it. “Kelsey, I—”

“Don’t.” Kelsey held up her hand while shaking her head. “Our relationship may never have been perfect, but it’s always been honest. We both know you wanted to kill Wade’s deal, so let’s not pretend otherwise now.”

“Okay. But this is the truth. I
am
sorry my tactics cost you something you wanted. I wish . . . well, I wish there had been some kind of compromise, I guess.”

“Maybe compromise just means no one is happy, and what’s the use of that?” She squeezed his hand, and then released it. He didn’t like the tone of her voice, or the distant aspect of her gaze.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Her eyes got all misty again as she chewed on her lip. A few second later, she tipped up her chin. “Today was a big wake-up call. First the baby, then my business. Somehow I’d been going along fooling myself into thinking I was getting closer to reaching all my goals, when really, I was just getting sidetracked. Now that the baby is gone,” her voice cracked, “Well, I think this is the end of the road for us.”

“What?” He reached for her hand and kissed it, pretending her words didn’t rock him. “I’m not walking out on you now, princess.”

She shook her head, wearing a sorrowful grin. “I don’t want or need your pity, cowboy.”

“It’s not about pity.” He leaned in to kiss her, but caught only her cheek because she turned her face. He took hold of her chin. “Don’t shut me out. I’m right here with you, and I hurt, too.”

Her amber eyes glistened as she brushed his cheek with her palm. “I know you do, but the truth is, you were with me mostly because of the baby. We both know the last thing you’d ever planned on, or wanted, was to be saddled with me and a child for the rest of your life. Now there’s nothing tying us together.” Her voice cracked. “You’re free to go back to the carefree life you love without any guilt.”

“Didn’t we just talk about all this last night?” He rose off the mattress and walked in a circle like a dog chasing its own tail. “I’m not looking to get out. I like the way things are with us. I’m happy, dammit.”

Her gaze dropped to her hands, which were folded on her lap. In a quiet voice, she said, “But I’m not.”

He stopped in his tracks, although his heart sped up as if he were running. “You’re not?”

She shook her head, still refusing to meet his gaze.

His body tensed while his breathing grew strained. Surely he’d misunderstood her. “Well, I mean, of course I’m not happy right now, with what happened today. But I’m happy with you. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

He watched her lower lip tremble before she pressed it into a firm line. Finally, she looked up.

“I’m not happy, Trip.” Her voice barely registered above a whisper.

“You’re really not?” That realization practically knocked him on his ass.

“I need more than you can give me.” Kelsey’s eyes filled with tears again. “For most of my life, I’ve dreamed about a husband and a family. But now I understand that’s not really all I want. What I want is a man who
loves
me. Who
needs
me like he needs oxygen. Who wants the same things I want and isn’t afraid of making a commitment.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she sniffled. “God, this would be so much easier if I hadn’t gone and fallen in love with you. I tried, and I mean, I really tried not to because I knew it couldn’t ever work. I knew you would never love me back. Then I got pregnant, and I thought it was a sign. But there are no signs. So no matter how much it hurts, I know what I need to do, because ultimately I know what I need to be truly happy.”

“Kelsey.” Her bold profession of love left him dumbfounded.

“Last night I asked you, point-blank, if you’d ever consider marriage. You dodged the question, which gave me the answer. I don’t doubt that you care about me, but I know you don’t love me beyond reason, which is what I’m looking for, what I deserve, and what I hope I’ll find one day from the right someone. So unless something’s changed . . .” When he blinked without speaking, she said, “Didn’t think so.”

Before he found his voice, she climbed out from under the covers. As she went into her closet, he asked, “Where are you going?”

She returned holding his grandfather’s hat.

“It’s time to give this back.” Her glistening eyes belied the false smile she wore as she reached up to place his hat on his head. With a slight quake in her voice, she said, “Nothing has turned out as either of us planned, so it’s best if we say good-bye and close this chapter of our lives. A clean break so we can still be friends. Good friends.”

He pulled her close. “Princess, you’re breaking my heart. I don’t want to say good-bye, or just be your friend.” He kissed the top of her head. “Today has been the worst day. Let’s not make any big decisions.”

And then, because he needed to convince her and didn’t know any other way to express himself, he kissed her. He kissed her like his life depended on it, because at that moment, it felt like it did. When she responded, a bit of relief swept through him. But then she pushed him away.

“If you care about me at all, you’ll make this easier for me, not harder, Trip. Please. I lost
everything
today, so please let me at least save my dignity. In the long run, we both know this is the best decision.”

He didn’t realize he was crying until she raised her hand to wipe away the tear from the corner of his eye.

He’d let himself get close, but it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted everything. Yet this kick in the teeth proved it was smarter to withhold himself and his heart. Imagine the pain if he gave her everything and then she rejected him?

Trip couldn’t allow himself to be that vulnerable. He didn’t want to leave her alone that night, but he couldn’t risk staying. Staying might lead to exposing things he couldn’t retract.

If she wasn’t happy, he couldn’t force her to accept his vision of a perfect relationship any more than she could force him to accept hers.

He hugged her again, imprinting his body with the feel and smell of her. “Okay, princess. Whatever you want.”

She buried her face in his chest, and through a muffled cry, he heard her say, “Thank you.”

Chapter Nineteen

“Gunner, I’m sorry to hear about the baby.” Trip’s dad’s voice sounded almost as depressed as Trip felt. “Deb and I went through the same thing before we had Mason, so I know a bit about how you feel.”

His father meant well, but Trip didn’t want to discuss the miscarriage. Or Deb’s experience. “Thanks.”

“How’s Kelsey? Are you doing whatever she needs to help her get through it?”

Like any time he thought of Kelsey in the past twenty-four hours, his heart seemed to stop beating for a second or two, and then it wrung dry like an old dishrag.

“I suppose you could say that.” Trip couldn’t help the burst of sarcasm gilding his words.

“What’s that mean?”

Trip heaved a sigh, wishing he could hang up and disappear for a while. “She ended things. She asked me to walk away, so I did.”

His father huffed through the phone. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Trip’s brows lowered. “I’m giving her what she wants.”

“Is that so?” His dad’s sarcasm now rivaled his own.

“Yes. I asked her to reconsider, but she wanted a clean break.”

Following a pronounced pause, his dad said, “It’s pretty clear to me our history—actually, your whole take on the past—is screwing up your ability to have a normal relationship with a woman.”

No shit.
“Well, nothing you can do about it either way.”

“Maybe not.” His dad fell silent for a moment. “So tell me this, does Kelsey have anything to do with your latest request from your trust?”

Trip could lie, but for what purpose? “Partly. When I tanked Wade Kessler’s proposed development, Kelsey lost out on a major commission. Maybe I can’t give her everything she needs, but at least I can make sure she has the money she’d been counting on to expand her business. Plus, if I buy the land, I can control how it’s developed.”

“Let’s put aside the whole ‘I can’t give her what she needs’ part for a minute. Tell me what you plan to do with that land.”

“Turn it into a public park, with athletic fields, a playground, maybe a skateboard park. If there’s enough space, maybe I’d leave some of the woods and build a little house for myself way back in the northwest corner of the lot.”

“Not much return on that kind of project. As trustee, I have some concerns, but as your dad, I’m proud of you. That’s a great resource to give to your community.”

“Thanks.” Trip formed the beginning of his first smile all day because of his dad’s remark. Of course, pride didn’t eliminate his frustration at not having control over the fund. “I know you’ve got your legal duty, but I’m not a kid, Dad. I know what I want. If there weren’t a timing issue, I’d wait until I gain control of the fund and then buy the land.”

Trip drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair while his dad mulled over the request.

“Well, you do need a house. That apartment you’re sharing with your partner isn’t ideal.”

“So you’ll release the funds?” Trip sat forward.

“Let’s get back to that other thing first.”

“What other thing?”

“That part about not being able to give Kelsey what she needs.” When Trip didn’t respond, his dad continued. “Last time I saw you, we both said some things that were hard to hear. But still, I know you were holding back. Let’s put all our cards on the table once and for all.”

Trip stared at the ceiling, debating the topic he’d always been too uncomfortable to broach. After all, he owed his very existence to his dad’s affair, which made him feel guilty for being judgmental rather than grateful. But his dad had opened this topic up again, so maybe he should just get on with it.

“Why’d you cheat on Deb?” Trip asked. “I mean, it’s not like you were in love with my mom. That I could maybe understand. But to risk so much—maybe breaking up a family—just for a brief fling?”

“Didn’t expect that one,” his dad replied. After a pause, he asked, “Why does the reason matter?”

“We’re a lot alike. We push hard, we take no bullshit . . . we have an eye for beautiful women. So I’ve always figured the best way to avoid breaking a vow was by never making one in the first place.” He shook his head, feeling uncomfortable. “I don’t know why I need to know, but reasons matter, at least to me. If Deb was cold and withholding, that would be better than if you were just bored. Or maybe you didn’t really love Deb in the first place?”

“I love Deb, so don’t doubt that. I met your mom in the middle of a full-blown midlife crisis. I was jealous of the attention Deb showered on Mason, and my head got turned by a witty, fun lady who made me feel like a man instead of a neglectful husband who didn’t help enough with the baby.” His dad cleared his throat. “Honestly, I can’t see how hearing that helps. You’re your own man. You’re not doomed to make every mistake I’ve ever made. Son, it’s time to grow up and move on, for chrissakes.”

“Easier said than done.”

“You don’t normally shy away from things that are hard.”

On that note, Trip pressed further. “Why’d you go back to Deb?”

“Because I loved her. ‘Went back’ isn’t even a fair characterization. I ran back and felt shitty for a long time, praying she’d never find out. I hoped to make it up to her by being a better husband. I wish I could go back in time and do that over, too—be more honest with her right up front.”

“But if you loved Deb and cheated, then what good is love? Or maybe you only thought you loved her, but you really didn’t? I mean, how does someone really know what love is, anyway?”

“I already told you, I do love Deb. Always did.”

“But how did you
know
it was love, not just lust or infatuation or some kind of obsession?”

His dad grew quiet for a while, apparently giving thought to his answer. “Because whenever I thought about the future, I always saw her in it with me. I’d never done that before her, or since. Deb gets me. She lets me be myself. And, say what you will, she forgave my sins and doesn’t throw them in my face every time we fight. Hell, I suppose part of me loved her because of the way she loved me.” After another quiet moment, he asked, “Do you love Kelsey?”

Trip froze. Would this be how he’d respond every time he heard her name, thought about her, saw her? How would he function this way? The anxiety was worse than dangling from a loose carabiner several hundred feet off the ground.

“There you go again, always with the silence. What’s so hard about answering a straight question? There’s no right answer, just an honest one.”

“Maybe,” Trip muttered. “Hell, Dad, I don’t know. Why do you think I’m asking you these questions? I’ve got no experience with all these emotions.”

“How do you feel today, now that Kelsey’s dumped you?”

“Like shit, thanks.” God, his dad was like an obnoxious member of the press corps.

“What’s that tell you?”

“Tells me I care about her a lot. She’s special, and I wasn’t ready for things to end. But that doesn’t mean I’m able to promise her a forever.”

“For what it’s worth, I remember watching you with her that first time I met with Wade. Then you beat the shit out of your brother over her. Before you knew about the baby, you’d stopped seeing other women. And you embraced the pregnancy like a man who was happy about his future. Now you’re feeling ‘shitty’ and asking for the majority of your trust funds just to make things better for her. All things considered, I think you love this girl.”

“Well,” Trip started, growing increasingly hot and itchy from being so exposed.

“Last piece of advice, then I’ll let you go. No one knows what forever looks like. We just do the best we can each day. And when people are in love, any mistakes can be resolved. You look at my marriage as a failure because I made a mistake. But I see it as a success, because we put my mistake behind us and are still together and happy.”

Trip scrubbed his face with his palm, unprepared to handle that perspective.

His dad filled the silence. “If you love Kelsey, tell her. Sooner or later, you’ve got to learn to commit to something bigger than the next ski slope.”

“Hey, I made a commitment to Backtrax, and I’m about to sink millions into this town.”

“True. There’s hope for you yet.” His dad chuckled.

“So does that mean you’ll release the funds?” Trip asked, happy to redirect the conversation away from him and his outlook on love.

“Yes. But when you build that house, make sure it has more than one bedroom.”

Trip chose not to respond to the less-than-subtle nudge toward marriage and family. Before he hung up, he asked, “Can one of your attorneys handle setting up an anonymous nonprofit entity to buy the parcel?”

“Why do you want it to be anonymous?”

“I think Kelsey’d be uncomfortable brokering the deal if she knew I was the buyer. Besides, I’m not doing this to win points with her, I just want to make sure she’s got something positive to focus on now. Something to help take her mind off the loss of the baby.”

Trip tried not to hear his dad smiling through the phone when he said, “That, my boy, is what love is all about.”

Kelsey typed the details of her newest listing into the MLS system. The cute in-town home had an updated kitchen, two-and-a-half baths, three bedrooms, and a fenced yard. Perfect starter home for a young family.

Of course, that thought made her nose tingle, but she’d been growing stronger every day. Three days post-miscarriage, everything she’d lost only crossed her mind about once every hour—a big improvement from being unable to think about anything else.

It took a lot of effort on her part. A complete commitment to repressing any thought of her baby or Trip the instant either popped into her mind. Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest approach, but if she gave in to temptation, the raw ache of missing them chafed like a blister inside a new shoe.

Her phone rang, jarring her from her thoughts. “Peak Properties, Kelsey speaking.”

“Ms. Callihan, my name is Amy Katz. I’m a real estate attorney representing a nonprofit that’s interested in the eight-acre parcel you’ve listed on Mountain View Road.”

Kelsey sat upright. Ms. Katz’s words burst like a ray of sunlight streaming through an otherwise gloomy week. “That’s wonderful. I’d be happy to meet with someone from the organization to walk the property and discuss the details.”

“The principal is unavailable at this time, but is familiar with the land. I’ve got a power of attorney to oversee the negotiation and closing. We’re prepared to make a no-contingency offer of six million, closing within thirty days.”

Kelsey’s heart sped up. Six million was twenty percent below asking, but a no-contingency offer was worth a lot. No inspections or other due diligence, no financing issues, no community referendums. The family would have their money within thirty days, and she’d have the entire commission to herself. “That figure is substantially below asking, but I’m sure the owners will consider it if you’re able to provide confirmation of availability of funds.”

“Of course.”

“And may I ask, what’s the name of this nonprofit entity?”

“White Room Group.”

“Is that some kind of skiing association?” Given the deep powder reference, she assumed it might be another backcountry outfit. Should she warn Trip of incoming competition?

“No.” Ms. Katz said nothing more, which Kelsey found disconcerting.

“Oh. Well, as you may have heard, the community is fairly invested in what happens with this parcel. Is your client aware there may be some hurdles to whatever its development plans may be, and that buying the land before going through due diligence may be a mistake.”

“My client is aware of the risks.”

Kelsey’s brows pinched together. What kind of organization would spend that much money without tying up every loose end? But it wasn’t her job to warn the buyer; it was her job to sell. “Give me your contact information and I’ll get back to you with the owners’ response.”

“Great. But please impress upon them that this is the best offer my client can make.”

“I will.” After writing down Ms. Katz’s information, Kelsey immediately phoned Nick Copeland, who sounded amenable, but needed to confer with his siblings.

Kelsey hung up the phone with a smile. The first one she’d worn in days.

Despite her grief, the world kept turning. Deep down she knew she had to keep moving, too.

This deal would be one healing step forward. A step toward expanding her business and planning for her future. The future of her dreams, not one for which she might’ve settled because she’d been too afraid of ending up alone.

As she shut down her computer, Avery walked through her door.

“Thought I’d drop in and see if you wanted to grab dinner.” Avery collapsed into the chair across from Kelsey’s desk. “Emma can meet up with us because her only hotel guests made other plans this evening.”

“Um.” Kelsey paused, unsure of whether she felt up to socializing.

“Those are gorgeous roses.” Avery nodded to the vase of multicolored long-stemmed roses on the corner of Kelsey’s desk.

A pang cinched her stomach as she mindlessly brushed the velvety petals with her fingertips.

“Trip sent them.” She’d been avoiding him, too afraid that, if she saw him, she’d cave in and run back into the comfort of his arms. It would be so easy. His sexy smile, his safe embrace, his willingness to lock horns with her without getting mad. She missed him, but she didn’t want a relationship that lingered in a permanent state of limbo, so she had to cut all ties for a while.