Secretly Hers (Sterling Canyon) (14 page)

“Even when he’s a jerk, you treat him with kid gloves.” Mason slammed his fist on the table before shoving away and rising from his chair. “What the hell, Dad? This is my house.”

“Mason, sometimes you’re as obstinate as your mother.” Then their dad turned to Trip. “Take a walk out on the deck with me.”

Once they were sitting outside with the slider closed, his father spoke with a steady, clear voice. “You and I need to finally clear the air. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but I can’t help it if your mother chose to keep me out of your life until she got sick. If I had known she was pregnant, maybe things would have been different for all of us. So instead of only blaming me or Mason or Deb for this chronic distance between us, maybe you could remember that your mom had a hand in how this all turned out, too.”

Trip’s blood ignited; his chest tightened. He locked his hands behind his head and closed his elbows together while he counted to ten. The last thing he wanted was to cause his father to have another heart attack, but his thoughts were boiling.

Rather than trigger another disaster, he slowly blew out his breath. “Tread lightly, Dad. My mother chose to be a single mom rather than disrupt your family.”

“She made a tough choice, and maybe you see it as unselfish. But no matter what you say, she kept my son from me for almost ten years. She robbed me of time I’ll never get back, and that decision has affected our entire relationship.”

A September breeze sent a shiver down Trip’s spine. He looked across the rooftops in town, toward the San Juan mountains. Memories of his mother rushed forward and lodged themselves in his throat. Maybe his dad had a point, but Trip wasn’t ready to admit his mother’s decisions had negative consequences.

“My mom was loving and warm and worked her ass off to raise me, so I’m not going to sit here and let you badmouth her when she’s not even here to defend herself.” Trip leaned forward and looked his dad in the eye, remembering all the things he’d overheard while living under Deb’s roof. “When I first moved in, I thought maybe you were happy to have me there. Maybe you started to love me. But then I heard you tell Mason that I wasn’t wanted like him, and that you took me in because you couldn’t be a man who didn’t take care of his mistakes.”

“I never said that!” His father’s adamant expression and tone caught Trip by surprise.

“Yes, you did. It was after my eighth grade football championship game. I’d snuck back down to the kitchen for a snack late at night and you were consoling Mason because he was whining about me again.”

“Then you misheard or misunderstood what I said, Gunner.” His dad leaned forward and reached across the table to lay his hand on Trip’s forearm.

Trip sat back, hands rubbing his thighs, eyes downcast, emotional exhaustion making his body ten times heavier. “I don’t blame you, you know. You didn’t plan for me. You never loved my mom or wanted a kid with her. And still you took me in, gave me every opportunity, and we had fun together when it was just the two of us.” He met his father’s gaze. “I respect and love you for all of it, ’cause I know it wasn’t easy. But let’s just be honest and admit that we’ll never be father and son the way you and Mason are, and Mason and I will never see eye to eye.”

His dad seized his hand and squeezed it tight, his voice determined. “You’re right about
one
thing, it wasn’t easy. I was ashamed to face my wife, to face Mason after setting such a bad example. But your conclusions are all wrong. My shame had nothing to do with
you
. It didn’t detract from the thrill of meeting you. You think I don’t look at you and love seeing the things we have in common? You think I’m not proud when I talk about you to my friends? I’ve done and said everything I could think of to let you know that you are as much my son as Mason is. I love both my boys, even if you are as different as night and day.”

Trip’s nose tingled and his eyes burned. His skin itched and he wanted to run far and fast, away from this conversation, away from his brother, and away from his past. His dad released his hand and raked his own through his hair.

“Gunner, what’s the deal with this girl? Do you care about her, or do you just want to keep her from Mason?” He raised one brow. “I hear you’ve got the sellers of some land asking for all kinds of studies from Wade, which Mason said could screw up the deal Kelsey’s been putting together. And you were pretty convincing when you told me you weren’t interested in her.”

“Kelsey knows my position on that deal. We don’t see eye to eye, but it’s not personal. When I told you about Kelsey, I didn’t think I was interested, but then I got to know her better.” Trip shifted in his seat and looked across the street, shrugging. “I’m not looking for a lifetime commitment with anyone, but she matters to me.”

“No lifetime commitments with anyone, eh? I’ve never thought of you as a coward, son.”

“I’m not a coward!” Trip scowled. “You think I don’t see how much I’m like you? I don’t want to make promises I’m not sure I can keep. One woman for the rest of my life sounds like an impossible vow, so I’d rather steer clear so no one gets hurt.”

“Huh. And how’s that working so far? Is Kelsey hurt? Mason? You?” His dad stood up and gripped the railing of the deck. “I’ve already admitted I’m not proud of how I betrayed Deb, but I can’t say I regret it, either, ’cause I got you. People are human, Gunner. We make mistakes. The best you can do is own them, try to make up for them, and try not to repeat them. But if you live your whole life trying to avoid them, you’ll never be happy.”

Trip scrubbed his face with both hands, emotionally wrung out. “Maybe.”

“No maybes about it.” Then his dad started walking to the slider. “I think I’ve said all I can to you for one day. Let’s go inside and see if I can’t find some way to get Mason to back off these assault charges.”

Trip stood and began to follow his dad inside when his phone beeped. “I’ll be in in a sec.”

Once his dad disappeared inside, Trip looked at his phone and his heart sped up.

I’ll be home tomorrow. Have something important to discuss. Can you come over at 5?

Trip stared at the cryptic message, his heart in his throat. He typed:

C U @ 5
.

After hitting Send, he sighed, knowing he’d spend the next twenty-four hours eagerly awaiting the chance to see Kelsey again, while wondering what she wanted to discuss.

Chapter Thirteen

Trip approached Kelsey’s building, his breath foggy in the dusky evening air. El Niño had the weathermen predicting the first snow could fall any day. Yet before he could start getting excited about long days skiing knee-deep in powder, he needed to set things right with Kelsey.

He had no idea what to expect this evening, but he had hopes. First and foremost: forgiveness. He’d be stuck in a mental prison until she pardoned his bad behavior. Secondly, he hoped she had no interest in Mason. A shiver danced down his spine at the thought of how he’d deal with the opposite scenario. Third, he wanted a chance to pick up where they’d left off. That would be trickiest of all, and probably the least likely. But he’d never shied away from anything he’d wanted in his life, and he sure wouldn’t start tonight.

Gripping the bottle of Brunello di Montalcino in his left hand, he drew a deep breath before pressing her door buzzer. He’d bungled his apology last week, so this time he’d brought her something he knew she’d love, unlike the lilies she’d tossed aside.

“Trip?” Her even tone rang through the intercom, offering no hint of her mood.

He slid a finger back and forth inside his collar and then cleared his dry throat. “The one and only.”

“Come on up.”

He grasped the knob before the latch clicked open, his muscles twitching with nervous anticipation. Trotting up the stairs to her unit, Trip smoothed his hair before rapping on the door.

“Hey,” she said, waving him inside while Cowboy squirmed in her other hand.

Upon first sight of her, his body hummed like an engine forced to idle. Any other day, he would’ve lifted her off her feet and kissed her. Today he resisted the pull, knowing they needed to settle things first.

Her gaze flitted around the room, apparently uncomfortable making eye contact. His stomach knotted a bit, knowing her uneasiness wasn’t the best sign. Then he noticed something about her looked different—a lot of things, actually. No makeup, loose-fitted loungewear, knitted slippers, and paleness that didn’t make sense for someone who just spent four days on the coast of Mexico.

Rather than risk offending her by remarking on her uncharacteristic appearance, he presented the wine. “A peace offering.”

“Oh.” Her brows pinched together before she set her kitten down. “Thanks.” She hesitated before taking the bottle—not exactly the enthusiastic response he’d wanted. “Nice Brunello. For a guy who doesn’t know wine, you picked a good one.”

Her uncertain grin merely emphasized the tension between them. Like two positive magnet poles being forced together, the tangible energy between their bodies seemed determined to keep them apart.

“Want me to open it?” He started walking toward the kitchen to look for wineglasses. Maybe acting like things were normal would make them so.

While he stood glancing at her cabinets, trying to recall where she kept her glasses, she set the bottle on the counter. Her gaze wandered as she tapped her fingernails against the granite. “Not now.”

What?
He tilted his head, resting his hands on his hips. “Since when do you turn down wine after five?”

“Well . . .” She tossed a hank of hair behind her shoulder. With her head slightly bowed, she looked up at Trip through pale brown lashes. “This isn’t really a social call.”

Her subdued behavior threw him, as did her stillness and the lack of the soft music he’d grown accustomed to in her home. A quick survey of the living area revealed a pair of shoes kicked off in the corner, two small paper bags set on the dining table beside a pile of unread mail, and a sweater haphazardly draped over the back of a chair.

She and her apartment both looked as if she’d just given up on caring about anything. Even with his monster ego, he had a hard time believing his and Mason’s recent behavior had completely killed her spirit. Time to stop dancing around the subject.

Trip tucked his hands in his jeans pockets. “Kelsey, I know I hurt you. I can’t go back and do things differently, but I’ll keep apologizing until I convince you how sorry I am.”

Kelsey waved him off, a wan smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I know you’re sorry, Trip.”

For the first time in ten days, his lungs didn’t feel compressed. If anything, he might’ve sworn they’d filled with helium and his toes were leaving the ground. “You do?”

She nodded, then added, “I don’t like what you did, or agree with how you handled things, but I believe you meant well.”

Despite the admonishment, he couldn’t help but smile. Stepping closer, he reached out to playfully tug on the ends of her hair. “So have you forgiven me?”

She hesitated again, her expression unreadable, then gestured toward the sofa. “Maybe we should sit.”

His momentary weightlessness died, feet now firmly on the ground. Something was still wrong. Really wrong.

He scanned her face, once again noting its pasty hue and anxious expression. Her averted gaze, the nibbling of her lip, the way she kept wringing her hands—all of it caused flashbacks to the day his mother first told him she had cancer.

Trip’s stomach churned. He gently placed his fingers under her chin and tipped up her head so he could study her eyes. “You’re worrying me, princess. Are you sick or something?”

Through a nervous chuckle, she said, “Or something.”

He released her and rubbed the back of his neck. His radar detected a major problem, but for the life of him, he remained clueless. “How ’bout we deal with stuff head-on? Whatever you’re fretting about, just spit it out. I bet it won’t be as bad as you think.”

“Don’t make that bet, cowboy.” Her heavy sigh hung in the air.

“I’m here like you asked, so if this isn’t about Mason, and you’re not sick, then what? Is this about Wade’s proposed development? ’Cause as far as I know they haven’t finished the impact study yet.”

Kelsey’s widened eyes made her look as if she’d completely forgotten about the deal, then a quirk of her brow seemed to dismiss the whole matter as if it were inconsequential. “It’s got nothing to do with that.”

“Kels, I’d rather not play twenty questions.” Trip narrowed his eyes and engaged in a game of chicken, which he won the second she averted her gaze.

“Sorry. You’re right.” She tipped up her chin and stared directly in his eyes, revealing the first spark of
his
princess he’d seen since he’d arrived. “There isn’t an easy way to say this, so here goes: I’m pregnant.”

He blinked. His facial muscles—hell, every muscle in his body—froze. Pregnant?

He blinked again. Pregnant!

Breathe. Keep breathing
.

Suddenly her silent apartment came alive with sounds, like the ticking of the mantel clock in the living room, and the playful thud of Cowboy’s tiny paws against the wood floor as he pranced around Kelsey’s feet.

Had the lights flickered? The room didn’t spin so much as the fine details of the lamps and curtains and artwork blurred together. Having retreated so far inside his own head, he couldn’t distinguish Kelsey’s words, which buzzed in his ears like an active beehive.

A baby. His baby.

His
baby.

How the hell could he be anybody’s father? And how the hell had this even happened? Every hair on his body stood on end as if he’d been struck by static electricity after shuffling across a carpet while wearing socks.

“Trip, are you okay?” Kelsey touched his arm.

He inadvertently flinched. A chaotic whirl of memories spun through his mind as he tried to answer his own questions until one broke free and struck him like a baseball bat to the head. He stood and without forethought uttered, “The broken condom.”

Kelsey straightened her spine, her voice distant and questioning. “What broken condom?”

“That first night.” Trip bent at the waist, gripped his knees, and sucked in some air. He then glanced up at her stunned expression. “I’d figured I ripped it while removing it, but maybe it happened earlier.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kelsey’s brows drooped. She looked more hurt than angry.

“I don’t know.” Adrenaline pulsed through his veins, spreading tingling sensations throughout his limbs. He began pacing in a tight circle, shaking his hands out as if they were wet. “I got distracted because you were so busy kicking me out.” Immediately he regretted his snappy tone and halted for a second. “Sorry, I’m not . . . I’m . . . just ignore me.”

He didn’t want to make a distressing situation worse by saying the wrong thing, so he continued pacing in an effort to collect his scattered thoughts. When he finally managed to look her in the eyes, he noticed her shoulders were slumped.

“Based on the timing, it’s more likely that night we rolled the dice without condoms,” she reminded him, her soft voice dripping with guilt.

Trip closed his eyes.

He’d never before taken that risk, yet that night he’d let overwhelming desire defeat good sense. Not just desire. Need. He’d needed her comfort and kindness. Was that how things had unfolded between his own parents?

Did it matter? As he’d always feared, he was his father’s son.

“I can’t believe I’ve made the same mistake as my dad.” He shook his head at no one in particular. “Exactly what I’ve always wanted to avoid.”

“Mistake.” Her deadened tone alerted him that he’d stuck his big black boot in his mouth.

Sighing, he gave in to a moment of self-pity. “You know my history.”

Kelsey’s nostrils flared. “I don’t
ever
want this baby to feel like a mistake.”

“You think I do? I’ve spent twenty-plus years trying to outrun those very feelings myself. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all my own child.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “My own child. Three words I never imagined saying.”
Was this really happening?
“You’re sure about this? Did a doctor confirm it?”

“I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, but two home pregnancy tests came back positive.” She smoothed her hair again while small red patches bloomed on her cheeks. “Look, Trip, this isn’t how I envisioned starting my family—unmarried and pregnant! But I won’t pretend I’m not glad
one
of my dreams is coming true. Still, I know this is your worst nightmare, so I don’t expect anything from you. I just thought I owed you the truth.”

Her words stung like the snap of a wet towel against bare skin. Insulted, he bugged his eyes. “You think I’d ignore my child? That I’d let him hurt like I did? Not gonna happen as long as I’m walking this earth.”

He blew out a breath and looked around Kelsey’s perfectly decorated condo—a nice home for a child, unlike his apartment. Her soft, caring heart much more suited to parenting than his flawed one.

Hell
. Before she’d gone to Mexico he’d botched his apology, and now he was making a hash out of this situation, too. “You must be sorry this kid is stuck with me as a dad, aren’t you?”

Kelsey sniffled, her eyes filling with tears, her chin trembling.

“Trust me, I’m no mother of the year. I’ve been drinking wine all month and just guzzled margaritas in Cabo before figuring out why I felt so sick.” Behind the wall of hair partially hiding her face, Trip saw tears trailing down her cheek. “I’ve probably already caused some kind of brain damage or something.”

Instinctively, he stepped forward and wrapped her in a bear hug. “You haven’t damaged anything, princess. And no baby could ask for a better mother. You’re warm and sweet, yet tough and sassy. You’ll be a great mom. Everything will be fine.”

He held her, his cheek resting on top of her head, and stroked her back. His entire sense of world order was crumbling around him, yet, in that moment, all he thought about was how he’d missed the curves of her body, the scent of her hair, her playful banter. He’d missed her. Now she nestled against his chest, calming his throbbing nerves, so he held on and just breathed in and out.

If he had known, when he first propositioned her, where things would lead, would he have gone for it? Probably not. He’d always resisted the idea of being tied down and making commitments. Funny how, right now, holding on to Kelsey was the only thing keeping him from losing his mind. He wanted her, and not just for sex.

“I’m so nervous.” Kelsey sniffled, wiping her tears against his shirt before snuggling tighter into his arms, seeking security, solace, or God knows what else. “Thinking about this baby and the future is scarier than I’d ever expected. So much to plan. So much to do. I don’t even know how to get started.”

He kissed the top of her head, glad she seemed content to stay locked in his embrace. Yesterday he’d survived opening up to his father, so perhaps he could also open up to Kelsey.

He groped for words, unable to articulate his thoughts and emotions, mostly because he hadn’t quite gotten ahold of them. Yet he knew that his child needed two parents, and that, while marriage wasn’t something he might ever want, he needed more from Kelsey than the occasional night together. “Maybe we start like this.”

“Like what?” She eased out of his arms and wiped her final tear away.

He swallowed hard, fighting to force words through his dry mouth. “Together.”

Kelsey pressed her lips together and gazed at him. Once again, it seemed as if time stood still in the confines of her apartment. He could hear her breathing, see the cogs in her mind trying to work out his meaning.

Her round eyes looked skeptical. “Together how?”

“I know you never wanted people to know about us, but there’s no hiding from this now. So maybe we should try dating . . . like . . . you know, for real.”

She appeared vaguely disappointed by his response. “I’m pregnant. I’m going to be hormonal and nesting and getting fat. Why would you want to start a relationship with me now, when you’ve never wanted to date anyone—ever?”

“You mean, aside from the fact that we’re having a baby?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, discouraged by her question. Why did the girl who’d been longing for a relationship show so little enthusiasm for his suggestion? “Not long ago, we were good together. If we’re both being totally honest, our little no-strings bargain developed into something deeper, even if we didn’t admit it to each other because of doubts or egos.”