Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (41 page)

Holden pulled back just far enough to study my face. He put a gentle, cool hand on my cheek, which was still on fire.

“Does this hurt?” He asked as he poked on my cheekbone.

“A little.”

“You’ll have a black eye, but I don’t think it’s broken.” He kicked the body on the floor and the look on his face made me think he would’ve killed him again if he could.

“Is he dead?”

“For now.” He handed me the keys to his car. “Drive to my apartment I’ll be right behind you.”

I didn’t bother to argue, but my legs refused to move. No part of me wanted to give up the safety I felt in his arms.

“I won’t be long I promise. I need to take care of this.” He stroked my hair and moved me towards the door.

I nodded, not fully understanding what he meant by “this,” but trusting he was probably right. He walked me to the door and handed me my purse. I found his car illegally parked in front of the hotel. I was in a daze. Nothing felt real. It felt like one of my dreams. People stared at me as I passed, but they were no more than ghosts. I sat in Holden’s car for a moment. His intoxicating, warm spicy scent surrounded me; it smelled like coming home.

And then I was back in his apartment and where I had felt like a piece of me had been missing, I was now whole. Quintus was right. I had to choose what was best for me, and without a doubt in mind, I knew that was Holden.

The downside to feeling safe and comfortable was that the protective walls my mind had built started disintegrating and with them my composure turned to dust. I sat on the couch, shaking so hard my body ached. I didn’t even want to imagine what that man would’ve done to me had Holden been only a few minutes later, Closing my eyes, all I saw was his hard face so close to my own. The sound of his voice still echoed in my ears. I could even smell his saliva on my cheek and feel his hands on my body.
I’m going to throw up.

I ran to the bathroom and hunched over the toilet until the sensation passed. Then I straightened up, forcing myself to look in the mirror over the sink. My face and shirt were streaked with blood from my nose. Underneath the blood, my face was swollen, and my left eye was turning into a slit of black and blue giving me an alien appearance. The skin not covered in this bruised, bloody mess was deathly pale.

“You’re fine. You've made it through worse,” I coached myself out of the loud tears threatening to spill over. I turned the hot water on full blast needing to scrub the man from my face and my memory.

“Olivia?” Holden called out.

I ignored him and tried to quickly collect myself, not wanting him to worry.

I can do this. I am strong.

“Liv…” Holden shifted in the doorway uncomfortably. “Are you okay?”

I stared hard into the sink, bracing myself, unable to look at him, afraid I’d fall to pieces if I even glanced in his direction.

“I’m fine. I just need a moment.” I was proud of myself for keeping my voice so steady and clear. I sounded fine.

He started to walk away, then changed his mind. He came all the way into the bathroom instead and stood behind me, invading my space, making it hard to think and even harder to maintain my façade.

“No.” He said gruffly. “You can’t have any more moments. You’ve had all the time you’re getting. I’m staying with you and
nothing
will stop me. I won’t—
I can’t
— let you go again.” His tone challenged me to even try to get rid of him. His intensity and determination filled the small room. Then he added, softly, “Please.”

“Holden . . .” Tears trickled down my face leaving pink drops of water on his porcelain sink. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

His hands were heavy on my shoulders as they turned me towards him. “I want to see you any way you are. You’re perfect. Nothing could ever change that. I’ve never…” Holden’s eyebrows pulled together as if he were searching for the right words.

It was just too much. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My legs turned to jello. He caught me as I fell and held me tight, stroking my hair and murmuring that I was safe now.

“Let me help you,” he whispered against my hair, then tilted my chin up to look at him. His eyes held mine with an inhuman intensity.

 A few rogue tears escaped down my cheeks, but I was calm. I stopped trembling as my eyes meet his. His glorious green eyes weren’t cold at all; they burned with a steady inner flame. What looked like happiness was etched deep within his face and eyes, which seemed wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. He reached around me, wetting a washcloth in the sink. Slowly and softly, he wiped the blood and tears from my face and neck. I shut my eyes letting him take care of me, not thinking—definitely not thinking—about all the reasons this was a bad idea. I accepted the tenderness Holden offered me.

My eyes opened when he stopped. Concern flickered in his expression, as he assessed each detail, touching every mark lightly with his fingertips as if memorizing the injuries to my face. ”You’re too calm.” He pushed my hair back to have a better view. His breath was warm on my skin, and I felt sparks wherever his fingers traced.

I gave him a weak smile, wanting to make him stop inspecting me. “What did you do at the hotel?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do.” A trickle of annoyance crept into my consciousness. I didn’t want to be lied to anymore. I didn’t want him to keep anything from me. “If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked,” I said with more bite than I intended.

“I took care of him. I had to make sure he would stay dead,” Holden said just as sharply

“So you killed him again?”

Holden smiled darkly. “In a manner of speaking, yes. Then I took him down to the incinerator. He'll not be coming back this time. Jinn aren't easy to kill. We heal from most wounds with time. I had to be sure he’d stay gone.” Holden made no apologies. He even seemed to enjoy it. God help me, I could see it in him. He enjoyed killing that man.

“So, he was like you?” I said slowly, letting my mind process the truth I was faced with.

Hurt flashed in Holden’s eyes, quickly followed by anger. “Is that how you see me? I seem like
him
to you. I am nothing like him!”

“I just meant—”

“That’s great. Just great. What do I have to do to convince you that there’s more to me than what I am?” He stormed out of the bathroom while I was still leaning against the sink trying to understand what just happened. Something other than the numbness sparked in my mind. Anger, a lot of anger.

Holden was pacing back and forth in the bedroom talking to himself, but I interrupted. “I don’t know what your problem is and frankly, I don’t care. I’m sorry if I upset you, but all I did was ask you a simple question, and all I needed was a simple answer. In case you’ve missed it, I’ve had a bad day. Hell, I’ve had a bad couple weeks, and
you
have played no small part in that, I might add.” My hands flew around in big angry gestures as I ranted. “My best friend was murdered, I’m being hunted, apparently I’m dying—and if that weren’t enough to deal with, I was attacked by a complete stranger.” I took a deep breath and pushed my hand through my hair. “Then the man I love, who I’m not supposed to have any contact with and who also
happens
to be a cold blooded killer, came to my rescue only confusing me more. You don’t have to do anything to convince me there’s more to you, Holden. I’ve only ever seen the good in you. It’s the bad I’m trying to understand.”

I saw something light in Holden’s eyes. He stalked towards me, but I wasn’t intimidated. He stopped in front of me, so close we were nearly touching. I kept my eyes locked stubbornly to his. “You know what I am?” he asked, voice rough with emotion.

“Yes.”

“And you can still love me?”

I put my hand on his stubbled cheek. “Holden, I can’t stop.”

A moment later I was wrapped in his arms. He kissed me possessively. The kiss was primal, taking more than asking. There was no match for the energy that flowed between us. His hands caressed my back until they were kneading my buttocks. Our kisses became harder and longer with each passing moment. Every last pore of my body was on fire with need and want. Everything about Holden’s body fit mine perfectly. My hands fit perfectly inside of his. Our lips locked together like they were always intended to kiss one another. We were an extension of the other and my nerves hummed in anticipation of every touch.

We tumbled down onto the bed, articles of clothing flying this way and that. When I stayed here before we didn’t make love. He never even tried, protecting me, I realized now, from everything, even himself. Holden leaned over me, the mattress gave under the weight of his body, his face serious but not unfeeling. The emotion in his eyes made my heart catch. “Are you sure?” he asked with a jagged breath.

The words stuck in my throat as my body threaten to spontaneously combust. I nodded and locked my fingers around the back of his neck. The dam broke and he held nothing back. His eyes pooled with desire and lust tasted spicy on his tongue—the gentleman was gone. The raw, impassioned base instinct had complete control. He intended to take what he wanted, and I intended to give it to him. His hands skimmed down my sides as his weight pressed me into the mattress, and his mouth ravaged mine. Every touch, every brush of his lips left a fiery trail that begged for more.

We moved in unison swamped with desire and glorious heat, our hands entwined and something snapped. Foreign emotions spread like wildfire down my spine to my toes and sent my body screaming over the edge: wonder and lust, love and fear. Trembling and with shallow breath, I fought to hang on as my vision went white and cry ripped from my chest. I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. I heard him both in my ears and in my head as he said my name. Our thoughts became one.

 Neither of us spoke aloud, afraid we’d break the spell. I fell asleep with our legs still tangled together, and my head and hand resting over his heart. Holden lightly stroked my hair from my face and his thoughts—happy, lovely wishes about us being able to stay just like this forever—filled my mind.

Just before I drifted off to sleep, I thought,
“I wish this could last.”

“We’ll find a way,”
he replied just as silently, pressing his lips to my forehead.

Thirty

I never fell asleep that night. Part of me worried it was another one of her dreams, and that if I closed my eyes, I’d wake up and nothing would’ve changed. I watched the sunrise, the pink rays danced across her hair making it sparkle. Her own light emanating from her skin covered her in a soft glow that warmed me inside and out. She was otherworldly. It was astounding she was here, and she chose
me
. More than once yesterday, I’d been certain that it was the end, that she was gone forever. Holding her now, I pleaded that if there was a God, He would help us find a way. I needed us to find a way.

Despite what the guardian thought, this was right. This was meant to be. I was sure of nothing more than that. Even her light, which should have been painful—uncomfortable at the very least—was like a warm blanket after decades of being cold.

When thoughts of Augustus trickled into my mind, I wanted to kill him all over again. The idea of him touching her filled me with rage, and my fists tightened until my knuckles were white and my fingernails dug into my skin. The image of him lying on top of her and the memory of her battered face made me want to rip his head off and crush his bones. And I would’ve, had I not already burned him in the hotel incinerator. Son of a bitch.