Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (38 page)

I will find her. We will see each other in person. I will feel my arms around her once more. Neither of us will die until we have at least that.
My anger made the words in my head sound more like an oath than just the wish that they were.

Twenty Seven

Run-walking all the way to my car, I left as quickly as possible. The tank was full and all signs pointed home. I was ready to get back. I was needed at home and I had to resolve everything before Mom came back and ended up as someone’s target. Besides, I felt safer in St. Louis.

As I drove, the problem of what to do about Holden once again filled the air. It didn’t seem to matter what decisions I firmly made regarding him. . . . As soon as I saw him, even just in a dream, all my resolve evaporated. I didn’t have everything figured out, but I knew that I couldn’t hide in the desert forever. Holden had a way of showing up when I needed him, but that didn't excuse the things he had done. Nothing did. Nothing ever would. I had two choices: either forgive him or find a way to get him out of my head. It wasn't fair to either of us for me to keep dragging him in if I wouldn’t forgive him. So long as he was in my head, I’d never let him go. The further I drove away from my hotel the better I felt. The weight of the yesterday slowly lifted like a curtain. I didn’t know what lay ahead, but no one else would die because of me.

As the sun rose I felt freer of the depression and anxiety that had taken hold of me. When it was high in the sky and shining brightly down, I knew I was finally completely rid of whatever dark cloud that was following me. I was still sad, but I was far from giving up. Pressing my foot against the accelerator, my heart thumped wildly in my chest. I made it back to the city around 8:00 p.m. Exhausted from a mixture of little sleep and my adrenaline crashing, I pulled into the church parking lot feeling worse for wear.

I’d stopped to talk with Quintus. If he were indeed a guardian angel, it was about time he started giving me some damn guidance, not just cryptic hints about my future. My mom wouldn't be back from her cruise for another couple days, so I’d stay at her house while I looked for Juliet's killer. It was quiet inside the church, very peaceful. I sat in the back pew and prayed—something I hadn’t truly done in a long time. I prayed for Jules, my mother, Christopher, Holden, and myself. I opened up my mind and heart, begging for help. Finally, I prayed for Quintus to come and guide me. I needed to know what to do, where to even start. When I sat back from kneeling, Quintus was next to me, watching me with those warm, kind whiskey brown eyes. I waited for the dimples, but he didn’t offer them. He simply waited for me to speak.

“What should I do?” I could feel emotion backing up into my throat, but I wouldn’t cry. I was done crying.

“Whatever is best for you.”

I sighed. He was still cryptic. “How do I know what that is?”

“Olivia, you have free will for a reason. You have to make your own decision. I cannot make it for you. No one can. Ultimately, everything will boil down to you doing what is best for you. If you do not want to be a guardian, you do not have to be one. It will change nothing. You’ll still die. Only you know the path you must travel.”

“I'm not talking about that,” I said quietly—and I hadn’t been. I hardly thought about becoming a guardian. Who cared about being a guardian? I had more immediate problems.

“You're talking about Holden?” He frowned.

“Sort of. And Jules. What should I do? I’m torn. I don't know what to think or believe. I can’t think about anything but Holden. I stayed away as long as I could, but I’m wasting time I don’t have. I mean I get it—I’m not supposed to see him or be with him, but that isn’t what I feel. Being apart feels wrong.” I shook my head and refocused. Quintus wasn’t the person to talk to about Holden. “I came back to find Juliet's killer, but I don't know where to even begin. Holden had been helping me, but. . .”

“You’re not planning on going back?”

I shook my head again. “Do you have any ideas about how I should do this?”

Quintus was quiet for a long time, probably weighing his words to me—trying to come up with the most cryptic response possible. ”I can offer you nothing—” I sighed loudly and he held up a finger for me to wait. “Nothing other than opinion. I think you should choose to become a guardian. It will end all of your troubles.”

I fought to not roll my eyes and dug deep for patience. “And about Juliet?”

He sighed as if this was all so taxing. “I spoke with Holden earlier today. Whether or not you believe him or want to hear what he had to say is up to you—you know him better than I know him. I’d trust your instincts are probably right. Would you like to hear?”

It took a moment to sink in. “Holden came to see you?” Part of me was relieved he didn’t expect me to see him, and part of me—the irrational part—was hurt that he didn’t want to see me more. “Of course I want to hear what he said.”

“He said multiple demons might be involved. That they’ll stop at nothing to keep you from making the change. The only way they can do that is to talk you into making a deal with them or by coercing you into taking your own life. He said they’ll be watching your apartment and mother’s house. The demon could be in anybody’s body, and you should trust no one, including him.”

How did I get to this place in my life? “How will they do it?”

“It’s my understanding that they’ll try to take everything from you.”

“So, they might do this by killing those that I love to push me over the edge?” Last night’s dream came to mind. Was that what was happening? Had they made their way into my dreams? Juliet’s words still rang in my ears.

“It would seem so.”

 “Well, it’s effective.” Son of a bitch. If they wanted me so much, why not just come and get me, leave my loved ones out of it. Would they kill Holden? Regardless of my anger, my mom and he were the two most important people in my life at the moment.

“You honestly haven’t chosen yet?”

“Chosen what?” It all seemed so unreal. Demons were trying to recruit me.

“Olivia,” Quintus said gently, the dimples denting his handsomely rugged face. “You have to choose which life you want.”

“You want me to choose between you people, Holden, or just plain dying. It’s not possible!” I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to keep from grabbing him in frustration. “What will happen if I die?”

He shook his head. “I can’t tell you what will be waiting for you if you choose any of these. Your path must be chosen on faith alone.”

“So I have to take my chances?”

“Unless you have faith.”

“I’m not much of a gambler.” I thought about everything, all the factors weighing heavily on me, but it was overwhelming. “I can’t choose, not yet.”

“Making a choice will bring more ease to your mind than finding Juliet’s killer,” he said as if he understood, though obviously he
didn’t
or he wouldn’t have said that.

“I’ll find who or whatever did this, and I’ll make them pay, if it’s the last thing I do.” I said firmly.

“And how exactly do you plan on doing that?”

“I’m not sure. How would I hurt a demon?”

Quintus laughed at me. “Olivia, you don’t even have a plan. You’ll only cause yourself more pain by insisting on traveling this road.”

“Do you or do you not know how to hurt a demon?” My patience with him was wearing thin. I’d been up most of the night then drove all day. If he wasn’t going to help me, why was he here?

“I’ve never actually fought with a demon, but I imagine light would be your best weapon.”

“Light?”

“Yes. Demons are repelled by light, hence the slinking about in darkness. If you want to hurt them and not the bodies they inhabit, use light.”

I hadn’t even thought they might be possessing people, “Light—not exorcisms, holy water, crosses, you know something like that?”

“Do you know how to do an exorcism?”

“No.”

“Then use light.”

“Any light?”

“Natural light would be best.”

“And how do I manage that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.” It appeared Quintus had helped me all he was going to tonight.

“Gee, thanks.”

“Olivia, may I offer you a piece of advice?”

“Yes, please. Anything besides more of the cryptic responses you love so much would be appreciated.”

His expression turned grave—and slightly judgmental. “Stay away from Holden, if for no other reason than to save yourself the pain and confusion. I’ll admit I’m surprised to find that he doesn’t seem to be like the rest of them. He
seems
like a fairly decent sort of man despite what he is. However, you appear to be blind to his true nature. He’s in no way suitable for you. Stay away until after the change. If you still love one another afterwards, then cross that bridge.”

“Would it even be possible to love him if I was a guardian?”
            “I don’t know. There’s a natural repulsion between the two races.”

I tried not to bristle at his advice, hell I asked for it. He told me no more than I had already surmised, but I didn’t want to hear it from him. It was one thing to think it myself, but I didn’t want anyone telling me what kind of man they thought Holden was. He didn’t know Holden, not the way I knew him. He hadn’t seen what I’d seen or been betrayed as I was betrayed. Telling me when I should or shouldn’t see Holden was unacceptable. I’d see him if I wanted. It just so happened that I
didn’t
want to at the moment—not that it was any of Quintus’s business.

“Thank you, I’ll consider that,” I said curtly.

“Are you angry?”

“No,” I lied rather unconvincingly.

Quintus wasn’t fooled. “He loves you too,” he said sympathetically, as if that knowledge would help me in the least. “But your paths go in opposite directions. I don’t see how they can meet. I’m amazed they ever crossed. This affection must be fleeting, blown out of proportion by the extreme circumstances surrounding the two of you.”

Now I
was
bristling. ”I don’t think you know as much about human emotions as you believe you do. How is it that you expect to help me when you don’t understand anything I’m feeling? Just because it hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or that it couldn’t work. Quintus, this is bigger than either of us. It’s meant to be—I feel it in my bones. Our lives are connected.”

“Then prove me wrong. Face your destiny head on and see where the pieces fall. Make the right choice. You know what it is.”

“I’ll not be bullied.”

“I’m not bullying you, this is just my opinion. I already told you I can’t make any choices for you.” Quintus seemed a little harassed.

I stood up. “I need to find somewhere to stay so I can sleep.”

Quintus nodded. “Do you want me to tell Holden I saw you?”

“No.” He raised an eyebrow, but wisely didn’t comment. “I’ll be in touch,” I said as I walked away.

“See you soon.”

Outside of the church, I looked up at the moon shining stubbornly from the darkness that surrounded it. I had a lot to think about. Why couldn’t I make this decision? I was past most of the doubt I’d originally had in their stories. And if I just thought about the big picture, the choice was easy. Of course I’d choose to have purpose in my life, to make a difference as a guardian. But something I couldn’t name kept nagging, kept holding me back.
Not yet
, it said.
Hold back a little longer and see what happens.