Seduced by Pain (10 page)

"You're really amazing with him. It must be so rewarding, working with these kids." I wondered what role I could play here, if any at all. Would they even want someone with such violent powers?

Drake smiled. "It is. We could use more adults who understand what it's like to be different, but we do the best with what we have."

Could he read my mind like his wife? Or did I project my emotions about being here so strongly? Either way, the news gave me something to look forward to.

If I could figure out how to control my powers.

Big, gigantic, impossible 'if'.

"This isn't working," I admitted. "Nothing's happening. Other than an unnatural amount of itching and scratching."

Father Patrick turned to Drake. "Do you sense anything, son?"

Drake closed his eyes. "She's divided. Parts of her feel broken off from others, like she's in a battle with herself."

A wave of nausea hit me as the truth of his words settled in. Serena must have felt what Drake was now feeling. What I had always felt, but had never given voice to.

With a nod, Father Patrick stood and gestured for me to follow him to the pond by the weeping willow. "Look into water as you meditate this time. Allow yourself to see your true reflection, to see all parts of you."

Derek and Drake stood behind us, watching and waiting.

I sat on the edge of the water and looked at my wobbly reflection. Unsure of what I was supposed to be doing exactly, I just stared into my own eyes and willed my inner self to get on board and play along.

In a moment, similar to the kind you have when you're laying in your bed trying to sleep, and then you wake up, with no memory of having fallen asleep, I lost time.

When my eyes opened, the form reflected back at me had changed. Instead of my face, a dark smudge of shadow glared back. The water rippled as the reflection gained substance and pushed itself out of the water, grabbing hold of my jacket and pulling me in with it.

I screamed, but water flooded my throat, stale and full of dead things. Clamping my mouth shut, I fought to find the surface, to find air, but a hand on my ankle pulled me back in until I faced my shadow.

Like black ink dropped in water, the shadow's form changed with the currents, but always maintained the rough aspects of a human shape, with gaping holes for eyes and a mouth.

I fought it, kicking and punching to free myself, but my hands slid right through the oily substance of the body, despite her ability to hold solidly to me. Fear clenched my heart like a vice as the certainty of my death paralyzed me.

I'd just found the love of my life.

Just discovered a place I might belong.

Just embraced hope for a better future.

And now I would die.

Its mouth opened in a scream, wide and long and so full of rage as to consume the whole world.

My body trembled. The air around me changed, and I realized it was my mouth screaming as Derek shook me, yelling at Father Patrick and Drake to stop whatever they were doing.

"You're killing her! Let her go!"

Father Patrick chanted in a language I didn't understand as I tried to close my mouth, to shove back into it the vomitus rage that had been released.

I clung to Derek, dry and safe, still sitting near the water, and terrified of what had just happened. "I saw my dark gift. She's horrifying. That can't be me." My sobs strangled my words until they sounded like hiccups. "I'm evil. This proves I'm evil. I shouldn't be here, or around kids. You shouldn't marry me."

Derek stroked my hair and whispered soothing nothings into my ear until I calmed down and could breathe again.

Father Patrick rested his hand on mine. "You're not evil. Your soul is pure, that much I can see. Whatever lives inside of you, we will learn to understand it together. Every person here has their own dark struggles. They may not manifest in quite the same way as yours, but we all have them. It's what we do with those dark edges that make us who we are."

The sun had come out, bright and big in the sky—so inexplicable, this weather in December. In normal times, we'd be preparing for Christmas, and getting ready to celebrate the winter solstice, a powerful day for witches. Now, as I leaned against the weeping willow and listened to her sing, I wondered what this holiday would bring. Would I destroy my new love and life with this dark part of me that seemed so bent on death and pain?

Derek had reluctantly stayed behind to teach some of the kids martial arts moves, allowing me much needed space to think. Ocean and Sam had bonded and were off playing with the baby.

And I stood here, alone, empty save for the horror I'd finally met. A new guilt stole into my heart as I considered the possibility that my victims had seen that monster before being pulled into a demon realm.

Another presence joined me, and I turned to see Drake standing a few feet away.  He looked more like a surfer than a wise man in training, but he had a calmness about him that relaxed me.

"Do you mind if I join you for a moment?" He seemed ready to leave if I asked.

"I'm not very good company to be around right now."

"That's okay. You don't have to pretend to be anything you're not around here. We're all human, more-or-less, and at the end of the day, we all understand what it feels like."

"Do you? You didn't see what I saw. The evil that lives inside of me. How is that anything like being able to make fire or disappear?" I didn't mean to diminish the pain of others, but I doubt they were sending people to hell and being drowned by an evil shadow living inside of them.

"It's not the same, you're right. But many of us have gone through our own kind of hell, being genetically experimented on, forced pregnancies, and so much more."

I dropped my head in shame. "You're right. I'm sorry. I can't imagine these kids suffering through something like that."

"I don't say it to make you feel bad, just to help you understand that there are many kinds of hell and many forms of shadows. You might be surprised to learn some of our stories." He sat down on the bench, and I joined him.

"I hope to hear more of them, someday."

He smiled a secret smile. "You will. I've seen glimpses of what's to come—at least one version of it. Have a little faith."

I'd forgotten that part of his gift involved Seeing. Did that mean I did have a chance at happiness after all?

"Rose, do you mind if I offer a suggestion?"

"Fire away. I'm at a total loss."

"We can't kill off a part of ourselves without killing ourselves. When you fought the shadow under water, you were fighting yourself. That never ends well. I remember a video game I played when I was a kid. I had to fight my shadow self with a sword, and no matter how good I was, or how skilled, I always lost. It took me forever, but I finally figured out the trick to winning."

My breath caught. "What was the trick?"

"I had to put away the sword."

"And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.

—William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

THE CANDLES FLICKERED
in our temporary room, setting the mood for what I had in mind as I waited for Rose to return.

She feared her powers and she feared hurting me, I understood that. But it was time to move past fear and take a few risks. I wasn't just human; I was Druid and Shifter. I had my own powers, my own source of energy.

I practiced my speech one last time, and got half way through it when she opened the door and walked in. Her eyes looked too bright, like she'd been crying.

Every time I saw her she took my breath away. Not just her outer beauty, which she had plenty of, but the light inside her soul drew me to her. I couldn't stand being apart from her now that she was finally mine.

With long strides I walked to her and pulled her into my arms, crushing her against my chest and breathing in the scent of her strawberry shampoo. "I'm glad you're back." I put distance between us so I could make eye contact. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I think so. Today was hard."

She sank into the loveseat in our small studio guest room, and I sat next to her, arm around her.

"I know. I think it's time we talked about the next step."

"Next step?"

Her skin felt like silk as I rubbed her neck. "With us. Rose, I know you're trying to protect me, but you have to learn to trust me. I know my limits. I'm strong, not just physically, but magically. I want to push the boundaries. I want to make love to the woman who will soon be my wife."

Her eyes widened in alarm, and I considered taking it back, slowing down, but no. We needed to do this. If she was ever going to be free of fear, we had to face this part together.

"I don't want to kill you. Your brother was strong too, and look where he is."

I knew she'd bring up Dean, but it still hurt. "He'd been drugged and attacked unaware by your mother. When you arrived, he didn't know what was going on and had no defenses left. This is different. I know the risks. I'll stop us if it's too much. But you'll never learn control if you don't try."

To add fire to my argument, I leaned my head into the nook of her neck and scraped my teeth along the sensitive skin down to her clavicle, using my tongue to tease her senses.

She sucked in air and moaned.

My hand slid under her shirt, but instead of heading toward her breasts, I slipped it into her pants, then under her panties, until my fingers found the nib of her clitoris.

I waited for her to protest, to push me away again, but she surprised me by pushing my hand harder against her instead.

As I stroked the swelling flesh with one finger, I dipped my middle finger lower, into her warm, wet center.

The first time my finger entered her, the muscles of her pussy clenched tight, and a growl formed in my chest as my cock pushed painfully against the confines of my jeans.

In and out I fucked her with my fingers, kissing her mouth and stroking her as the fire in her body grew.

Her hips moved, pushing against my hand, desperate for more. My cock strained against my clothes, begging to be set free and be the more she needed and wanted.

"Derek, oh God, Derek." Her breathless moans intensified my own need, and I pulled up her shirt and sucked her hard nipple through her silk bra. She bucked, wet and hot and needy at my touch.

"Derek, I can't hold it in much longer."

"Let it out, love. Let go."

"No, the darkness will come too. I can't."

I squeezed her nipple with my fingers, then used my teeth to bite her neck, leaving a light tooth mark on her fare skin.

She dug her nails into me, cutting through skin as she fought her own release.

"Let go, love. I'm here."

Her hands heated up, and I felt her power moving over my skin, looking for something to devour.

I raised my own shields against it, but it moved like smoke, sneaking in. My heartbeat slowed and I knew I'd have to stop soon, but I wanted Rose to come for me first.

My fingers moved faster, pushing her to let go.

Just before her body obeyed, she pushed me away and fell back, a scream torn from her mouth.

I didn't reach for her as dizziness swept over me.

She stared, wide-eyed at me, her eyes still glossy from the near-orgasm. "You promised you'd stop me."

"I was about to. I swear. If you didn't come within a few seconds, I would have pulled away. I was—am—fine, Rose. You didn't hurt me."

She scooted next to me, her breathing returning to normal. "Truly? You're okay?"

I kissed her fingers. "Truly, I am. Are you?"

She nodded. "I think I learned something tonight, but I need to think about it. I can't do anymore right now, but I need to be close to you. Can you just hold me for awhile?"

I pulled her into my arms and wrapped them around her, kissing her head. "My love, I'll hold you forever."