Seductive Truths (Seductive Trilogy) (49 page)

     ‘Mrs Brown?  Are you okay?’  She places a hand on my shoulder to draw my attention, but there’s nothing.  I am anaesthetised throughout my body.  I am nothing more than an empty object.

     Somewhere from deep inside I manage to whisper, ‘Gareth?’

     ‘Checked himself out.  I tried to dissuade him but he was adamant.  I couldn’t stop him.  He was fit enough after all.  We were only keeping him in for a few more days as a precautionary measure.’  There’s a moment of silence.  Looking up I see compassion shinning in her eyes.  I can’t bear it.  Don’t want it.  ‘He left you something.’ 

     Nurse Harding returns,
I hadn’t realised she left
, placing a couple sheets of paper into my hands and gazing down I see masculine writing scrawled across the pure whiteness.  I look but do not act.  I want to devour every word on the page but I can’t bring myself to do it, not yet, not with an audience.

     ‘He also left this,’ she adds. 

     Out of the corner of my eye I see something gleam with the life I do not feel.  A sparkle of irresistible colour lightens the dullness surrounding me.  Something is holding me back from taking possession of these things.  Fear?  Fear in the knowing that once I’ve read the letter, once I take the shiny object into my ownership, the truth of what I suspect will become reality.  The world will come crashing down around me.

     I can feel Nurse Harding’s eyes drill into my back. 

     Unnerving.

     ‘Are you okay love?’ she asks.

     ‘I-I’m fine.  Thank you.’

     ‘Are you sure?  I think you better sit down, you’re looking a bit shaky…’ I feel her touch on my shoulder but I immediately shrug her away.  I do not want her sympathy.

     ‘Please leave,’ I snap, my body growing rigid and my heart cold.

     After a pause I hear her footsteps drift off into the distance and I am left clutching the couple of sheets of paper in my trembling hands, the gold chain lies limp on the indention in the bed, Gareth’s last mark.

     Taking a deep breath, I begin to read:

Alex,

     How do I start? 

     You can start by coming back to me you stupid bastard!  Why did you have to go and prove Peters right by running?  For once in your life you could have,
should
have taken the chance!

     How do I start?  What a question.  I do not have much time if I want to be gone before your return, so in this letter I will try and be direct and convey all that I must.

     Right now I bet you hate my guts.

     I have gone beyond hatred.

     I bet you are screaming inside and want to tear me to shreds, but it had to be this way.  I only needed to look into your eyes one more time and I would have stayed.  You have touched me in ways I’ve only dreamt of.  You are home.

     All my life I have waited for someone like you to come along, to change my ways, to give me something to live for.  You are a miracle Alex Brown, my little piece of heaven.  You have something in your eyes that draws me in every time, making me want to lose myself.  The tinkling of your laughter soothes my heart while your smile makes it beat faster.  The feeling of you in my arms has never felt so right, so perfect.    You are my missing puzzle piece.

     My life has been so lonely for far too long.  I felt on the verge of going insane and I may have been but for you. Everything changed the day you blundered into my life.  With you by my side I saw through the darkness and towards the light at the end of the tunnel.  I felt hope, love, and friendship.  You were my salvation.

Then why didn’t you stay?  If you felt so good with me in your life, why didn’t you stay?  I could have given you everything, all that you desired, all you craved, but instead you up and left like you always do.  Your bravado is nothing but a disguise for your inner coward!  I fell in love with the man you are, not the man you want to be!

     Every time I look towards the stars I will think of you.  As I lay in a dingy bed-sit I will think of you and the ways you would warm both my body and soul.  I will call out your name in times of need.  Every waking day you’ll be a distant part of my life.  Each time I close my eyes you will haunt my every dream.  Losing you will be my biggest mistake, but one I have to make. 

Mine is falling in love with you, but it is one I would happily make again and again and again.  There is nothing I regret about what happened between the two of us, well, maybe the process of how we met, but…

     Things will never be the same.

     You’re telling me! My hand unconsciously goes to rub the life I know is forming inside.  The life that will not experience the joys of having a father and this is the one reason why I hate Gareth for doing what he has.  He’s not only abandoned me, but our unborn child.  I wish I found out sooner, told him sooner.  Would he have still ran?

     Do you remember when I told you about my ring?
  How the lion represents “pride”
, but my dad’s and my meaning differed?  Do you remember me saying that whenever you wear or are given such a ring it symbolises the uniting of one
person to another?  I entrust it to you.  Do with it what you will, sell it if that is your wish (hoping not).

     I never did tell you, did I?  Those three little words, but I hope you will believe me when I say I care for you deeply and this is the very reason why I had to go.  I couldn’t risk your life.  I’m bad news.  Always have been always will be, I’m better off alone.

     Alex, I can’t promise you that you’ll be safe in my presence.  I can’t promise I’ll always be there for you.  I also can’t promise you I will give you the life you deserve.  I have no right to promise you these things when I know I wouldn’t be able to keep them.

     However, I can promise you one thing.  I can promise you that you will not be alone.  I won’t be the one sharing your life, be the man proudly standing by your side no matter how much I wish otherwise, but you’ll have someone who’s ten times the man I’ll ever be.  He will be able to give you the two things I never would.  Security and reliability, everyone deserves them.   

Who can?

     Do not to come looking for me.  You will not find me.  I won’t let you.  It is for the best.  I bring nothing but danger and disruption.  I want you safe and the only way I can ensure that happens is for me to stay away, no matter how much it kills me inside.  

     I’m going to miss you Alex, so much.  I’m glad you entered my life.  Good luck with everything and maybe I’ll see you around some day.

Goodbye.

G x. 

     I don’t understand.  I-I don’t know how to feel. 

     Resentment. 

     Emptiness. 

     Desire.

     Love.

     Fear.

     Nothing makes sense.  My life has yet again been thrown into turmoil and I’m powerless to stop it.  Then there’s the chain.  It means everything to him and here he is leaving it with me. 

     My thoughts are disrupted as a gnawing feeling niggles at the back of my mind; a chill runs down my spine.  Someone is watching me and the impulse to turn around is there, but I do not.  Cannot.  It’s like my body has shut down or revolting against me.

     And then I hear it, the eerie sound of shoes hitting the hard, clinical floor of the hospital, approaching at a steady pace.  Yet I still do not react.

     Heart quickens.

     Pulse racing.

     I can’t seem to control my rapid breathing.  This is not just paranoia; someone is definitely here, watching me, walking towards me and my body will not allow me to face them!  Something is denying me.

     My fingers begin to tremble and my grip on the pieces of paper slackens.  A solid mass blocks the light slithering into the room and gradually a silhouette of a man forms on the ground in front of me.

     His shallow breathing is too close for comfort.  I can almost feel its warmth caress my clammy skin.  My back stiffens, jaw clenches and a tingling sensation takes over the tips of my fingers causing me to lose grip of Gareth’s letter altogether and the pages float to my feet.         

     ‘Hello Lexi.’

    
No, it can’t be!

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