Seductive Truths (Seductive Trilogy) (21 page)

    
‘
Don’t you think I have every right to be?  Parents.  Gone.  Brother.  Gone.  Friends.  None.  S-son.  Gone.  The one thing that made my life worth living is gone.  It’s gone, Alex!
’
  Tears begin to leak from his eyes. 
‘
After all these years, my heart is still being torn apart at the thought.  I hear his laughter and want to join in with the fun.  Each night I wake to his screaming, but I can’t comfort him.  His face.  The brown locks, happy smile, the mischievous glint in his sea blue eyes right before he did something naughty.  They continuously haunt me.  When I’m awake, when I’m asleep.  There is no escape.  I’ve got a gaping hole in my heart.
’
  He hits his chest and his voice catches as I watch emotion overwhelm him. 
‘
I lost him.  I…I lost him and it was all my fault.  I just want him back.  I just want my son back, Alex!
’

     The dam breaks and every pent up emotion comes flooding out as his last strains of composure collapses and he crumples to the floor with a heavy thump as he lands on his knees.  Silent sobs escape from his trembling form, but he does nothing to wipe away the tears.  Gareth has given way to the broken man inside.  All the heartache built up over the years has finally reached its limit and has found a means of relief.  Gareth is now doing the one thing he denied himself all this time.  He’s grieving.

     With each teardrop, every hitch in his throat, my heart breaks.  I feel helpless as I watch the pain consume him.  I have never seen a man cry like this, like he has lost everything.  Gareth
has
lost everything.  He’s right, what does he have left to live for?  Who is there for him?

    
‘
Shhh, it’s okay.  I’m here,
’
I say as I go to crouch down at his side, my hand coming up to rub his back.

     After a while his breathing begins to calm and the tear tracks stick to his skin as they dry.   

    
‘
I need a cigarette,
’
Gareth says as he abruptly stands, turns his back on me then takes out a cigarette from his trouser pocket and lights it.

     Stumped.  When I think I am getting somewhere he pushes me away for a second time.  He’s not going to let anyone get close to him again.  He’s been hurt too much to risk another bashing.

    
‘
I remember the day I saw him for the first time.
’
  Gareth startles me. 
‘
He was so bubbly and bright, a bundle of energy with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen, my little Sammy.
’
 

     He’s cold and distant.  Where there should be warmth and tenderness in his words there are none.  He has clamped up.  The only tell-tell sign of the struggle he is going through is in the tenseness of his shoulders.  He is so coiled up, one push too far and he’ll spring apart. 

    
‘
It was the happiest day of my life.  I was a dad.  For the first time, I had something to live for.  I had something that gave my life meaning, but a couple of months down the line it all changed.  Everything changed the day my father and brother died.

    
‘
I was so scared at the destruction laid at my feet, I disappeared.  Ran into hiding without a second thought to the responsibility I left behind.  It was a selfish action, one that I will always regret.

    
‘
Three years later Sammy fell back into my life.  Sarah, the mother of our child and at one time was the love of my life, managed to track me down.  How?  I will never know, but I’m glad she did, even if the circumstances weren’t the best. 

    
‘
I opened my door to see a very bedraggled woman, barely able to stand and using the wall for support.  It wasn’t until my eyes caught sight of the miniature person, with inquisitive, bright blue eyes staring at me in wonder, clutching hands and standing beside the woman, that I realised it was my Sarah and my little boy.

    
‘
Caught up in a sudden whirlwind of emotions, I was about to sweep them up in my arms and jump with joy, but was abruptly halted when I saw the look in her eyes.  I knew in that moment I would never see her again.  Her eyes were hollow, dead.  I never did find out what happened to her in the time I was away.

    
‘
Before I could welcome her inside my apartment, she bent down, kissed Sammy on the forehead and whispered,
“
I love you little one.  Take care,
”
before turning around, looking directly at me with those haunted eyes and said,
“
Look after him.  Guard him with your life,
”
and then she was gone.  A week later she was on t
he front page of a newspaper.  “
Woman found dead in Soho alley
”
.  According to reports it was a drugs overdose.  I knew she dabbled in drugs in her younger days, but nothing as heavy as that, especially since having Sammy.  No one was charged and nothing more was mentioned.

    
‘
The first couple of weeks since Sarah’s death were hard.  Every night Sammy would wake crying for his mother.  I tried to console him.  Wrap him up in my arms and soothe him back to sleep, but he’d keep on crying, until eventually exhausted, he fell asleep.  However, over time, things started to change for the better.  Sammy and I grew closer.  I started to notice little quirks about him.  When he achieved something momentous, such as tying his shoelaces all by himself, he used to smile and rub his hands together.  Whenever he became upset or was angry he’d nibble his lips.  These were adorable traits I came to love. 

    
‘
We settled into a routine, one that I wanted for the rest of my life.  I didn’t want to be dragged back into the criminal world, always sneaking around, ducking and diving and escaping with my life by the skin of my teeth.  No, I didn’t want to have to relive that.  I had Sammy to think about now.  So I decided to set about looking for a job.  Start off small, enough to live off, then gradually work my way up, earning more money.

    
‘
Eventually I found a decent job with reasonable pay, but it was simply too good to be true.  That same day my world came crashing down around me
once again
.
’
  Gareth shuffles his feet from side to side. 
‘
With a smile splitting my face, I came bounding through the door of my apartment, eager to share my good news with Sammy and the babysitter I hired for the day. 

    
‘
As soon as I walked through that door a cold chill ran down my spine.  Something was not right.  Dread clutched my heart squeezing the air out of my lungs as I moved further into my apartment and towards Sammy’s bedroom.  The door was ajar and I could smell a heady urine and metallic aroma mix.  With a trembling hand, I pushed the door open.  To all purposes, everything appeared normal.  To an innocent eye, the two forms curled up in Sammy’s bed appeared to be in a sound sleep, but…b-but,
’
he chokes. 
‘
As I moved towards them, I clearly saw the virtually dried, dark stain swamping the once pure whiteness of the pillows.  My angelic boy was nothing more than a rotting corpse.

    
‘
In each of their foreheads’ was a clear cut bullet wound, aimed to do maximum damage and leave little evidence.  There was no sign of a struggle, so I guessed they were shot while asleep; unaware of their approaching fate.

    
‘
For ages I just stood there, staring.  My heart turned to stone.  It wasn’t beating and the only thing I felt was the weight of it sinking to the depths of my stomach.  Everything was numb.

    
‘
The rest of the evening and the next day was a blur.  I remember placing the babysitter somewhere she would be easily discovered within a couple of hours or the next day.  I didn’t want anything to connect me to her death, while at the same time, her family needed to know.  After that, I rushed back to Sammy, wrapped him in my arms and carried him to the small church down the road.  Thankfully the vicar was still there.  I knew Tony, the vicar, since I was a small boy.  I used to run to him when being at home got too much, which was pretty much all the time.  In a way, he became my surrogate father.

    
‘
Anyway,
service to say, he helped me bu
ry my son.  No questions were asked and it was over in a matter of two hours.  The grave was dug and Sammy was laid to rest.  Tony said a few words, I whispered a pray
er
and after giving him some money to put towards the church or his own fund, I was gone, like a thief in the night.

    
‘
To this day, many questions remain unanswered.  Who killed them?  Why did they kill them?  How did the person get into my apartment undetected?  Who?  What?  Why?  When?  How?  But there’s never been an answer and never will be.  I have learnt to live with the pain and start again.  I’m
always
starting again.  I picked myself up and closed off my heart.  Emotion equals weakness and weakness equals pain and if I wanted to get through the rest of my life unscratched…

    
‘
I built a shield around myself.  Nothing could get in and nothing could get out.  It was just me against the world.  The only reason I did not take my own life was because, I believed
it was my punishment to live each day, knowing I left my son open for attack.  I ran away from him the first time and then I went and abandoned him again.  It’s
my
fault he lays in an unmarked grave, never to experience the joys life can bring.  It’s
my
fault he will never get a first kiss, the chance to a good education and career.  Never get to fall in love and see his blushing bride walk down the aisle.  Never get to feel the warm glow that parenthood brings.  It’s
my
fault he will never get the chance to see life through to a ripe old age.  It’s
my
fault, all my fault.
’

     His shoulders begin to shake.

     Cautiously I pull myself up and walk towards him.  Delicately placing a hand on his shoulder I whisper his name.

     Gareth spins on his heels and I catch sight of his tear stained face as droplets fall from his eyes again.  The cigarette held forgotten between his fingers.

    
‘
I just want to forget,
’
he blubbers.

     Reaching out I unlatch the burning cigarette before it falls to the floor and
grind
it out under my foot, then without a sound I take hold of his hand and with a reassuring smile, I guide him towards his bedroom.

    
This is madness; I shouldn’t even be contemplating this, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do.  I will deal with the consequences later.

     Quietly closing the door behind me, I turn to see him standing at the foot of his bed, looking slightly scared, lost even and unsure what to do. 
It’s time to take charge, Alex.  Show him what it is to feel
, and with that in mind I effortlessly glide towards him.

     Face to face, I search his eyes for any indication he doesn’t want this, but all I see is vulnerability shining through and a need for me to carry out the promise he sees burning in my black pupils.  My hand strokes his cheek affectionately and using the other, I gently coax his head down towards mine.      

     Eventually our lips meet and that warm glow hits me right in the belly, causing my whole body to light up.  Daringly I deepen the kiss and his response is instantaneous.  His powerful, passionate kisses are a cry for affection.  He wants me to reach inside and pull him back to life, reawaken his heart and, by God, I will try my hardest to achieve his unspoken wish.

     Button by button, zip by zip our clothes peel away and gather at our feet leaving us in nothing but our underwear.  The touch of his skin on mine is heavenly, so intimate.  Each brush of our bodies leaves me gasping for more and my skin on fire.  The smell of him alone is like wood burning on an open flame.  The intensity of our connection caresses my soul, entwining our worlds together.  The hot air of his breath breezes over my neck right before he devours the sensitive skin, nipping, biting, licking, bringing forth a husky groan from me.

     Feeling his engorged mass pressing insistently against my hip, desperately straining for attention, I decide it’s time to up the game.  Using little force, I shove him backwards wherein he ends up lying flat on his back on the bed, bottom of his legs hanging over the edge, the bulge trapped in his boxer shorts clearly on display.  Pure shock flashes across Gareth’s face.

     Mischievously I catch my lip between my teeth and saunter over to him, emphasising the swing of my hips with each move.  As I draw closer I tantalisingly run my index finger up and down my breast, alternatively dipping the finger between the two heaving mounds of flesh.