Seek Me With All Your Heart (11 page)

Ivan raised his shoulders, then dropped them slowly. “Okay.”

Katie Ann felt like she’d been punched in the gut. She wasn’t asking him to perform a mediocre chore, but to love her the way she longed to be loved.

Instead, his response signified about as much excitement as hauling the trash to the burn pile. She let go of his hand and sighed.

“What now? I said okay.” He raised his brows, the irritation in his voice evident.

“Forget it, Ivan. Just forget it.” She eased out of the chair and went to the stove. After she dumped the eggs into the skil et, she stared out the window at the snow fal ing in heavy blankets al around them. They didn’t need mounds of snow to keep them isolated from the world, or each other. They’d managed to isolate themselves from each other a long time ago. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her husband reading the newspaper.

Six

EMILY WOKE UP THANKSGIVING DAY MISSING HER friends and family back home in Middlefield. It would be the first Thanksgiving she’d ever had without her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. But
Mamm
had put the turkey in the oven the night before, the way she’d always done, and this morning the aroma fil ed Emily’s mind with recol ections of holidays gone by. Times when her heart was fil ed with peace, her future hopeful.

She rol ed onto her side in the bed and snuggled beneath her quilt as her thoughts turned to David. She hadn’t seen him since Sunday, but
Mamm
had said his family would be arriving in time for the noon meal. Emily knew she needed to crawl out of bed, get dressed, and go downstairs to help with preparations.
Just a few more minutes
.

Her heart fluttered when she thought about seeing him. He’d quickly gone from someone she feared to someone she wanted to know better, and that frightened her. She’d been focused on healing and establishing new goals for herself, and to develop a crush on David Stoltzfus would hinder her progress and set her up for much heartache. David could have any girl in the community he wanted, and Emily knew she was unworthy of his affections.

She thought about how attentive he’d been at the singing on Sunday, the way she caught him gazing at her when he thought she wasn’t looking. But he’d said he didn’t want to date her, so she was worrying for nothing. She threw back the covers and sat on the side of her bed. Then she recited her morning prayer, the same way she’d done her entire life.

Good morning, Lord. You are ushering in another day, untouched and freshly new. So here I come to ask You, God, if You’ll renew me too? Forgive
the many errors that I made yesterday and let me try again, dear God, to walk closer in Thy way. But, Father, I am well aware I can’t make it on my own,
so take my hand and hold it tight, for I can’t walk alone
.

In the past, she would have fol owed the prayer up with personal devotion and one-on-one communion with God, but she climbed out of bed instead.

She tried again to recal the last time she’d heard the tiny voice that she knew to be God. Flashes of James were almost instant, and she fought to steady her heartbeat as she put on a dark green dress. She smoothed the wrinkles and realized that she hadn’t heard the voice since before the attack.
Seems
like God should be here for me now, more than ever
.

She pul ed on her black tights, then sat on the bed to tie her shoes. A flurry of mixed emotions fil ed her head this morning. She was looking forward to seeing David, but apprehension raced through her every time she al owed herself to fantasize about something more than friendship with him. He’d made it very clear that friendship was al he had to offer, and that was al Emily had to give.

She tied her prayer covering and went down the stairs to find Betsy sitting at the kitchen table while her mother was scurrying around the kitchen.

“Emily, you’re late. I need some help in here.”
Mamm
spoke the words as if she was scolding Emily, but a smile was stretched across her face. “Now, come over here and test this dressing.”
Mamm
pul ed the oven open and scooped a spoonful from inside the cavity of the turkey. She pushed the spoon toward Emily’s mouth.

“Wait,
Mamm
. It’s hot.” Emily leaned her face away while
Mamm
blew on the spoon.

“Here, try it now.”

Dressing had always been her mother’s specialty, and she’d made it every year for as long as Emily could remember, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and for their entire extended family. Lots of families in Middlefield had adjusted their traditions over the years, opting to have something other than turkey for Christmas, since they’d just had it for Thanksgiving. Plus, weddings were always in November and December, and turkey roast was served after the ceremonies. Emily was sick of turkey by Christmas each year and wished her mother would consider a change in tradition. Not
Mamm
. She wouldn’t hear of it. “It wouldn’t be Christmas without turkey and dressing,” she’d said.

“
Gut
, no?”
Mamm’s
left brow lifted as she waited for Emily to finish chewing.

“
Ya, Mamm
. It’s fine.” Emily rol ed her eyes. “It’s always fine.”

Her mother breathed a sigh of relief, then returned to the stove and began stirring some green beans in a pot.

Betsy looked up from a book she was reading. “I’m going to be vega
.
.
. vegetarian when I am a grown person.”

Emily grinned as she pul ed apples and oranges from the refrigerator for a fruit salad. She glanced to the left so she wouldn’t miss the reaction from her mother.

“Betsy Ann, you wil do no such thing.”
Mamm
spun around to face Betsy, her hands on her hips. “What are you reading? I reckon it’s not from the approved list.”

“
Ya, Mamm
. It is.” Betsy’s big brown eyes grew round. “The boy, Ben, in this book is a vegetarian.” Betsy nodded her head once for effect. “It’s more healthy to be one of those.”

Mamm
shook her head. “It wonders me, is nothing safe in this world anymore? A
gut
Christian book about a ten-year-old boy who finds the Lord, and yet . . . he has to be a vegetarian?”
Mamm
slapped her hands down to her sides. “Not for you, Betsy. You would miss meat. And meat has protein. It’s
gut
for you.”

“I’m gonna be one anyway.” Betsy closed the book and stood from the table. “When wil everyone be here?”

“Around eleven is what Lil ian said.”
Mamm
turned to Emily. “Lil ian said that she thinks David has sure taken a fancy to you. Evidently, he has mentioned your name several times, and—”

“We’re just friends,
Mamm
.” Emily knew that her father would reprimand her for taking such a sharp tone with her mother, something she’d been guilty of too often lately, but she could see her
daed
and her brothers through the window, shoveling the snow from the sidewalk. “Don’t push about this.”

“He just seems like such a nice young man, Emily. Maybe you should give him a chance.”
Mamm
lowered the fire under the beans.

“David Stoltzfus has no interest in dating me, so you’re wasting your time being hopeful about something developing between us.” Emily didn’t look up as she chopped the apples into smal cubes.

“Now, Emily
.
.
.”
Mamm
sighed as she turned to face Emily. “You don’t know that. You are a beautiful young woman, and Lil ian said he speaks fondly of you.”

Emily took a deep breath, stopped chopping, and faced off with her mother, determined to squelch her mother’s misdirected thoughts. “David told me straight to my face that he doesn’t want to date me, that al he wants is to be friends. And,
Mamm
.
..” Her tone sharpened. “That’s al I want too. So please just drop it.”

“I don’t like him anyway.” Betsy padded across the wooden floor in her socks, stil toting her book as she headed toward the den. She stopped once to look at Emily and scrunched her face into a scowl. “He made you cry.”

“Betsy, we talked about that.” Emily’s voice grew louder as she spoke, but Betsy didn’t turn around.

“I wil not have such talk, Betsy. Do you hear me?”
Mamm’s
voice carried into the den, and a faint “Yes, ma’am” breezed into the kitchen.

Emily resumed chopping the apples and hoped her mother would drop the subject of David. “It’s cold in here.” She twisted to look at the propane heater in the corner of the kitchen. “Is the heater on high?”

“I think so. But it’s mighty cold outside, and this house isn’t insulated as wel as it could be.”
Mamm
walked to the window and peered at her father, Jacob, and Levi, then she leaned down and checked the heater. “It’s on high.”
Mamm
walked to the refrigerator and pul ed out a tub of butter. “I bet it’s real y cold at the Stoltzfus
haus
.” She shook her head as she added butter to the boiled potatoes. “You should see that place. So much work to do. I reckon the cold air is just seeping through the cracks in the wal s without insulation.”

Emily didn’t mention that she’d already seen the inside of the Stoltzfus home the day David gave her a ride home on Sister’s Day. She thought about how unprepared David had been for their buggy ride this past Sunday—and how cold it had been. In her former life, she would have offered a guy like David a portion of her blanket to cover his legs. She’d spent the last three months so afraid of everything and everyone, particularly men, so she couldn’t understand why she’d felt safe with him on a cold, dark night—but not comfortable enough to share the blanket. Especial y with a man who told her straight out that he had no interest in dating her.

DAVID HELD ANNA on his lap in the back of the buggy as Elizabeth sat next to him. He felt ridiculous traveling this way, his parents carting him around. Back home, he would have taken his own buggy, but Lil ian had insisted they al ride together on Thanksgiving.

“This is so nice of Vera to invite us for Thanksgiving.” Lil ian smiled at David’s father, but then she scowled. “I can’t imagine having to cook the Thanksgiving meal in that new
haus
of ours.” She paused as she shook her head. “One of the cabinet doors fel off this morning when I opened it to unload some things.”

Daed
patted Lil ian on the leg. “
Mei leib
, there is much work to do, but someday it wil be a fine home.” He smiled, raised his brows. “It sure is big.”

“A big mess.” Lil ian glanced over her shoulder and smiled. “But we are al together and have much to be thankful for.”

David readjusted Anna on his lap and avoided Lil ian’s eyes for fear he’d blurt out an angry comment and ruin her day.
As soon as I can, I’m going back
to Lancaster County
.

His father eased into the Detweilers’ driveway and maneuvered their gray buggy next to the Detweilers’ black one, which was almost completely covered in snow.

“Why do they have black buggies and not gray ones like us?” Elizabeth leaned her face closer to the plastic weather protector on her side of the buggy.

“And their
kapps
aren’t like ours either.”

David had recognized some of the obvious differences when they first arrived. There were only a few buggies on the roads, but he’d noticed the black ones. And prayer coverings in Lancaster County were heart-shaped in the back, unlike the ones Emily, Betsy, and Vera wore, which were squared in the back.

“Some things might look different, but our belief system and dedication to the
Ordnung
is the same, Elizabeth,”
Daed
said before he stepped out of the buggy and began to tether the horse. David waited until Lil ian got out of the buggy; then he pushed the seat forward. He set Anna on the ground and then helped Elizabeth out.

“I hope the Detweilers like my candied sweet potatoes.”

David held out his hands toward the casserole dish Lil ian was carrying. “Here, I’l carry that.”

“Okay,
danki
.” Lil ian handed the dish to David. “I’l get the loaves of zucchini bread out of the back.” Lil ian walked to the back of the buggy. “Girls, go on up to the house, and no running.”

David fol owed Anna and Elizabeth up the sidewalk. He turned around when he heard hooves clapping against the freshly cleared driveway. It was his Uncle Ivan and Aunt Katie Ann. Thank goodness they were coming, even though it stil didn’t seem like Thanksgiving without the rest of his extended family. Anna and Elizabeth knocked on the door, and a moment later Vera swung the door wide.

“Come in, come in. Warm yourselves by the fire.” Vera motioned the girls inside, then turned to David. “Hel o, David. Here, I’l take that for you.”

David handed off the sweet potatoes. “
Danki
for having us.” He glanced past Vera and could see Emily walking toward them.

“We’re so glad to have you al . Make yourself at home. I’m going to go put this on top of the stove to keep warm.” Vera headed off to the kitchen, brushing past Emily on her way. David noticed something different about Emily right away as she approached him. She looked . . . happy. She was smiling and her expression was welcoming.

“Hi.” David nervously stuffed his hands into his coat pockets.

“Hi. Do you want me to take your coat?” Emily held out her hand, so he pul ed his hands from his pockets and began unbuttoning. Emily turned toward Elizabeth and Anna. “Girls, Betsy wil be down in a minute, or you can go upstairs to her room.”

Anna and Elizabeth quickly shed their coats, hung them on a rack by the door, and headed upstairs—leaving David and Emily alone. She moved closer to him, which, for reasons he couldn’t explain, made him nervous. He stared at her, mesmerized by the gleam in her eyes and the way the light from the fire glimmered and danced across her ivory skin— which took on a blush the more he gazed at her.

He stopped staring and quickly took off his coat, and she looked away as she accepted it and hung it on the rack. Avoiding his eyes, she was instantly back to the Emily he’d first met— timid, nervous. David silently blasted himself for making her feel uncomfortable, but being around her was scrambling his logic, making him consider what-ifs.