Seek Me With All Your Heart (19 page)

Emily had begged her family not to tel anyone what happened to her. Vera explained to her daughter repeatedly that she didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, but Vera also knew that folks can be cruel sometimes. She knew in her heart that most of the community in Middlefield would have showered them with love and comfort, but there would have been a few who would have shunned Emily in their own way, not wanting their own sons to pursue Emily as a wife. At the time, it seemed like moving away from Middlefield was the right thing to do—for al of them.

In Colorado, Levi stil had to use his inhaler, but not nearly as often as he did in Middlefield, the land truly was less expensive, and Elam was able to establish a new business. She and Elam thought that a new place and new surroundings would help them al to heal, especial y Emily. But there was no place far enough to run from the pain that stil gripped them.

Vera buried her face in her hands and began to cry. When the tears turned to sobs, Vera couldn’t stop them.

“Vera, oh Vera. Please talk to me. What is the matter?”

Lil ian’s voice was so tender, and as Lil ian put her arm around her, Vera knew that she couldn’t stay silent any longer. She lifted her head and, in a most unladylike gesture, swiped at her tears and nose with the sleeve of her dress. She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to control herself before she spoke.

“I know that everything is God’s wil , Lil ian. I’ve been taught that my entire life, but . . .” She looked into Lil ian’s kind eyes. “Something—something happened to Emily before we left Middlefield, something horrible.” She shook her head as the images came racing forward again. Emily’s bloody forehead, the police, the ambulance, al the bright lights. Another tear rol ed down her cheek. “Emily was— was . . .” Lil ian dropped her arm from around Vera, then clasped both of Vera’s hands in hers.

“Vera, God wil see us through anything, and—”

“Then where was God when Emily was raped? Where was He then, Lil ian? Please tel me, so that I can forgive, so that I can heal, so that I can somehow help Emily.” She looked at her new friend and pleaded, “Tel me, Lil ian! Where was God?”

Shame took over every inch of Vera’s being as she realized that she had voiced her most secret feelings, yel ed them in fact, to a woman she barely knew. She lowered her head as new tears spil ed onto her dark green dress. “Forgive me, Lil ian.”

Lil ian pul ed Vera into a hug, then patted her on the back while Vera sobbed. “Oh, Vera. Oh, my dear Vera. Poor Emily. That is horrible, for sure. But it’s al right to feel like this, Vera. We’re human. Something tragic happened to your baby girl, and I think God understands these emotions at a time like this.”

Vera pul ed away and wiped her eyes. “I love my God, Lil ian. I love God.” She felt desperate to convey that to her friend after her verbal lashing.

“Of course you do.” Lil ian shook her head. “And it’s hard to understand how something so terrible could be of His wil , but, Vera
.
.
.”

Vera sniffled and locked eyes with Lil ian, whose eyes held a pensive shimmer. “
Ya?
”

“As you know, I wasn’t always Amish. And before I converted, I didn’t know God or have a personal relationship with Him during times of trouble, which often made things unbearable. But Emily has a strong faith, and that is what wil see her through this, help her to heal.”

Vera nodded and wiped her face with the sleeve of her dress again.

“How long ago did this happen?”

“Right before we moved here, which would be about four months ago.”

They sat quietly for a moment.

“How is Emily? I mean, has she been able to move forward? Is she starting to heal?”

Vera sighed. “I don’t know, Lil ian. Emily didn’t want us to talk to anyone about what happened to her, and looking back, I’m not sure if agreeing to Emily’s wishes was the right thing to do. But it was hard for al of us to face friends and other family members without saying anything to them. We weren’t exactly lying, but we certainly weren’t being truthful either.” Vera closed her eyes for a moment, sniffed, then looked back at Lil ian. “I try to always be upbeat around her, never let my feelings show in front of her. I try to make things as normal as possible, and sometimes I do extra for her, more than for Jacob, Levi, or even Betsy. Even if it’s just to make her favorite foods, or give her a little extra spending money to go to market, little things like that. But she doesn’t seem to have an interest in much, and she’s . . .” Vera straightened and shifted on the bed. “She’s very ugly to me sometimes. And that’s al right, I reckon. She has a right to be mad at the world, I suppose. I do wonder if her faith is strong enough to see her through this.” Vera swal owed hard.

“Because my faith has certainly slipped, at a time when I need it most.”

Lil ian spoke more softly than before. “Maybe just realizing that, Vera, is a step in the right direction. I believe you and your family to be grounded in your faith, and we al slip. It doesn’t mean we aren’t
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Christians. Pray about it, Vera, and I wil be praying daily for you and Emily both.”

“You know . . .” Vera thought about her recent conversations with Emily. “Emily seems angry with me about what happened. And, Lil ian, I’ve gone over it in my mind a thousand times, how I could have prevented it from happening. She went for a walk while we weren’t home.” Vera shook her head as she recal ed Emily’s statements the night of the rape. “I think she knows who her attacker is, but she won’t tel a soul, and that worries me too. But what kind of man does such a thing, Lil ian?” Vera shuddered slightly. “And Emily turned away from al the young men her age after this happened, refused to be friends with any of them. Then when we moved here, she wouldn’t even work in the store by herself. She’s afraid, and I hate that.”

Lil ian rubbed her back with one hand. “Emily doesn’t seem afraid of David. And I’m sure they are fine. But, Vera, I can see why you would fly into a tailspin and worry about her.”

“It’s not about David, Lil ian. I just got scared. The last time Emily was late, after dark, she came home with blood on her head, crying, and
.
.
.” Vera started to cry again. “Please forgive me if I made out like David might do some horrible act like that, because that’s not what I meant, and
.
.
.”

Lil ian continued to rub Vera’s back. “I know that, Vera. I know.”

“I’ve never talked to anyone about this, Lil ian. Elam and I had been considering a move for a while—a place that would be better for Levi, and somewhere that would provide more opportunities for al of us. Then, after this happened to Emily, we knew it was time.” Vera took a deep breath before going on. “But I know that my faith has been affected
.
.
. and I wonder how much Emily’s faith has been affected too.”

“Time and prayer heal. And I know you know that.” Lil ian smiled. “Just a gentle reminder, my friend.”

Vera smiled. “one. Even my husband. I’m so glad it was with you, and not with Emily. I wouldn’t want her to ever see me like this. I try to be strong for her.”
Danki
, Lil ian. For letting me release al this pent up emotion I’ve been carrying around, hiding from every Lil ian folded her hands in her lap and sighed. “Motherhood is the most rewarding job on the planet, but often the most chal enging.”

Vera nodded as she considered whether or not this was the right time to question Lil ian about their move from Lancaster County. Perhaps Lil ian needed a friend to open up to. “Lil ian, please forgive me if I’m being too nosey, but I get a strong sense that your family moved here for reasons other than you mentioned. I hope and pray that something bad didn’t happen to your family to drive you away from those you love, like us. And if you’d rather not say, I understand, and—”

“No, it’s al right.” Lil ian cleared her throat, then seemed to force a smile. “We didn’t have a tragedy, nothing like what happened to your family. Our reasons for coming here are a bit embarrassing.”

Vera shook her head. “Oh, Lil ian, please don’t tel me if it wil make you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Actual y, it would do me
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to talk about it.” Lil ian pul ed her eyes from Vera’s, tapped her feet against the wooden floor for a moment, then took a deep breath. “We were having terrible financial problems, and I didn’t know my husband had mortgaged our farm.” Lil ian stirred uneasily on the bed next to Vera. “I should have known, though. I should have realized that the cost of David’s medications was—”

“Medication? Is David sick?” He didn’t look sick to Vera.

“Not anymore, but David had a kidney transplant five years ago, and the medication he has to take daily is very expensive.” Lil ian let out a tiny gasp.

“But, Vera, David doesn’t know about this. We didn’t lie to him, but we also didn’t tel him about the financial problems. We didn’t want him to have any kind of guilt. And Samuel and I know that David wil be going off on his own someday. He’l have to know what the medications cost, but we just didn’t want him to know that played a part in our fal ing behind on everything.” Lil ian locked eyes with Vera and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before she went on. “But honestly, Vera
.
.
. I’m not sure we did the right thing either. We told a few family members about our financial troubles, but I’m not convinced that we shouldn’t have been more truthful with David.”

Vera sighed. “I can understand why you did what you did. You just wanted to protect David. It sounds like he’s been through a lot.” She shook her head.

“As mothers, we try to protect our children, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line and let God take over.”

Lil ian nodded. “By sel ing our farm and owning this house free and clear, we can save for the future and help David to have a edly. “Although, getting this place somewhat livable wil take some of that savings.”
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financial foundation when he starts a family of his own.” She shrugged, then smiled. “Right or wrong, we’re here now, and al we can do is make the best of it and pray that we’ve made good decisions.” Then she chuckled lightheart

“Lil ian, I am committed to help you get this place in order. And I know Elam wil be too.”

“
Danki
, Vera. But don’t pity us. We’re more blessed than most. David’s uncle gave him a kidney, and he’l go on to live a healthy, ful life. And our girls are healthy, so that is the most important thing.”

Vera reached out and hugged Lil ian. “Lil ian, I’m so glad we talked.”

“Me too.”

“I guess I better get home and wait for Emily. And even though I probably shouldn’t have made the trip in this weather, we would have never had this chat if I hadn’t.”

“Everything that happens is His wil .”

“
Ya
. It is.”

EMILY COULDN’T BELIEVE how safe she felt nestled under David’s arm, especial y when she’d never thought she would feel safe again. Her head was fil ed with what-ifs. What if I al owed myself to real y care for David? What if he cared for me? Instinctively, she reached up and touched the scar above her brow.

“You worry too much about that.”

She jerked her hand down. “What?”

His arm was stil around her shoulder, but over the course of the cold ride home, he’d put it under the blanket, which remained draped around both of them. He gave her a squeeze, which sent a warm sensation throughout her shivering body.

“You touch that scar above your forehead a lot. I wouldn’t even notice it if you didn’t do that.”

“I don’t do that.” She knew she did. Every time a thought about what happened surfaced, her hand seemed to jump to the reminder above her brow.

As they neared a stop sign, David coaxed the horse to a stop and waited for a car to pass. A nearby streetlight dimly lit up the inside of the buggy.

Emily tilted her face toward David. “Maybe I do touch it a lot. It reminds me . . .” She pul ed her eyes from his and faced forward again, but David gently cupped her chin and turned her back to face him.

His blue eyes shone with tenderness as he pressed his lips above her brow, lingering on her scar long after al the cars had passed. Emily was speechless.

He slowly pul ed his lips from her forehead and cupped her cheek in his hand and gazed into her eyes. “Maybe now you wil think of me, of this moment, instead of something bad.”

Emily swal owed hard, certain he could see the lump in her throat. He leaned down and his lips were almost on hers when a car eased up to the stop sign, then honked, waiting for them to go.

David smiled. “Oops.” He put the horse into motion, and they crossed through the four-way stop. Once they were on the other side, Emily laid her head back in the crook of his arm. They rode quietly for a while down the back roads toward home. She leaned up to look at him, wondering if he might think about kissing her. But it was starting to snow hard, and he was focused on the road in front of him.

He pul ed his arm from around her and used both hands to hold the reins. He leaned forward. “It’s getting hard to see.”

“At least we’re on the back roads and off the main highway.” Emily was disappointed that he was no longer holding her close, though she understood why.

After a few minutes, the snow let up a little and he eased back against the seat, but he didn’t put his arm back around her. They were passing by Martha’s house, which meant they were close to home. Emily didn’t want this time to end. She glanced to her left when she saw movement in Martha’s front yard.

Is Martha getting in her car?

Emily jerked when David pul ed back hard on the reins and yel ed, “Whoa!”

She leaned forward. “Oh no! What happened?”

A toppled buggy lay on the side of the road. As David pul ed up to it, car headlights il uminated the inside of their buggy from behind. The car screeched as it came to a stop behind them.

David jumped out of the buggy, and Emily fol owed. Martha came running toward them, lifting her legs high in tal boots as she trudged through the snow.

“I saw it happen out my window!” Martha yel ed. “That car sped by my house and ran that buggy right off the road. Looked like the animal got spooked, and the buggy went over!”