Selby Speaks (10 page)

There were times when being the only talking, reading and writing dog in Australia — and as far as he knew, in the whole world — and trying to keep it a secret, was not easy. But it was a secret that Selby was determined to keep even if it killed him. On October 3rd it nearly did …

October 3rd was clean-up day in Bogusville and Dr and Mrs Trifle had put out some old, broken furniture to be taken to the tip. It was hot and Selby was walking towards the shade of a big tree when he looked in the open drawer of an old cupboard. There, on the bottom of the
drawer, was a page from a copy of the
Bogusville Banner
with his favourite comic strip,
Wonderful Wanda, Maker of Music.
Selby put his head in the drawer to read it and then he climbed right in to get out of the sun.

Wonderful Wanda
was about a woman who travelled back and forth through time trying to catch the villain who had stolen her grand piano when she was a girl. The villain, Larry Low-Note, had been frightened by a trombone when he was a baby and ever since he’d hated music. He promised to put a stop to all music; not only in the present but in the past and the future as well.

“I will destroy all musical instruments,” Larry Low-Note yelled as he twirled his fingers around his black moustache and stomped a violin to matchsticks. “That will put an end to all this musical nonsense forever! Ha ha ha! He he he!”

“I must stop that villain,” Wanda said, tearing through time in a spaceship that looked like a kettledrum. “If there is no music there will be no joy. The hearts of people will shrivel like flowers that fall in the desert.”

And whenever she said this, in every comic strip, Selby felt a tear come into his eye and his nose begin to run.

“Don’t worry, Wanda,” Selby said. “You’ll fix that scoundrel.”

And in every episode Wanda caught up to Larry Low-Note and kept him from destroying another musical instrument. But in every episode Larry tricked her and she was captured and left to die a terrible death. In the beginning of the next episode Wanda always escaped and went on with the chase.

Selby read the comic strip in the cupboard. In the end, Larry Low-Note captured her when she fell through some branches on the ground and was trapped in an orchestra pit. He tied her up and gave her to a tribe of cannibals who put her in a pot.

“It’s all right, Wanda,” Selby said, knowing that she’d pull out the magic conductor’s baton she kept in her boot and get free. “You’ll get away. I know, I’ve read the next episode.”

Just then the cupboard tipped backward and the drawer slammed shut. Selby felt himself being lifted up onto the council truck
and then bouncing along towards the Bogusville tip.

“Crumbs,” Selby said, pushing on the drawer but not being able to open it because the cupboard was lying on its front. “Trapped like a rat. Let’s not panic now. Hmmmmmmmmm … I wonder how Wanda would get out of this one? I remember the time she was trapped in a pit of cobras and she played her flute to keep them from biting her. No, that won’t do me much good. First of all I don’t have a flute. Secondly, there aren’t any cobras around. Let’s see now … Then there was the time she was tied to the railway tracks and she made a loud whistle with a blade of grass. The engine driver thought there was another train coming so he stopped the train just in time. No,” he said calmly, “that’s not much good to me either. Hmmmmmmmm. I’m not going to panic. There must be a way.”

Selby felt the truck stop.

“And then there was the time …” Selby thought as he suddenly remembered that the Bogusville tip was at the bottom of a cliff and that the truck would soon dump everything over the edge, including the cupboard.

“But what am I talking about!” he screamed. “Wonderful Wanda is just someone in a comic strip! I’m a real, live, thinking and feeling dog and I’m about to be dumped over a cliff! It’s time to panic! Help! I don’t want to die! Save me!”

Selby heard the driver get out of the truck and walk around to the back.

“What’s going on here?” the driver said to a metal filing cabinet. “Who’s yelling for help?”

“I am,” Selby said, knowing he was giving away his secret and that he would probably be the Trifles’ servant for life but not caring because it was better to be a live servant than a dead dog with a secret.

“The filing cabinet or the shopping trolley?” the puzzled driver asked.

“Neither,” Selby said. “The cupboard.”

“Now wait just a minute,” the driver said. “Cupboards can’t talk.”

“Neither can filing cabinets and shopping trolleys, you nit,” Selby said. “But this one has a dog in it so open the drawer and let me out before I suffocate.”

The driver turned the cupboard over and very carefully opened the drawer.

“Crikey!” he said, grabbing Selby by the collar. “You really are a talking dog! I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard it with my own ears. I’ll be rich! Say something, dog.”

“Bow wow wow,” Selby said, trying to keep his secret now that he wasn’t about to be dumped over the cliff.

“Don’t give me that bow wow wow rubbish,” the driver said, giving Selby a good shake. “Give me some proper English. You can speak it and I know you can so don’t try to kid me.”

“Let go of me, you drongo!” Selby said, pulling loose and jumping down from the truck. “You’ll never catch me now! And don’t bother telling anyone you’ve seen a talking dog because nobody’s going to believe you.”

Just then the truck started to roll and the driver found that his belt buckle was caught in the back. To make matters worse, it was headed straight for the cliff.

“Help!” the driver screamed, trying to pull his buckle loose as he tiptoed madly after the truck. “Help! Please don’t let me go over the cliff!”

Selby thought for a second and then ran after the runaway truck and jumped into the cabin. He started pulling knobs and levers but the truck hurtled on towards the cliff, going faster and faster.

Suddenly he remembered a TV show he’d seen called
All About Cars,
and he jumped down to the floor and pulled up the handbrake. The truck screeched to a stop only a centimetre from the edge of the cliff.

“Sheeeesh!” Selby said, hopping out and running for home, leaving the driver to
untangle his belt buckle. “That was too close for comfort.”

That evening, Mrs Trifle came home very tired.

“I need a holiday,” she told Dr Trifle while Selby lay on the latest copy of the
Bogusville Banner
secretly reading
Wonderful Wanda, Maker of Music
. “I must be working too hard. Today one of the council truck drivers said he saw a talking dog so I gave him a month off work, poor man. If I don’t take some time off soon,” she said, looking over at Selby, “I’ll be seeing talking dogs too.”

“Little does she know,” Selby thought and he squinted his eyes so she couldn’t see them moving as he finished reading
Wonderful Wanda,
“that she’s looking at one.”

The good news was that Gary Gaggs, the corniest comedian in Australia, was back in Bogusville to do his comedy act at the Bogusville School of Arts Banquet. The bad news was that he was staying with Dr and Mrs Trifle.

“Oh, woe woe woe,” Selby thought as Dr Trifle greeted his old friend at the door. “Of all the places to stay in Bogusville, why, oh why, oh why, does he have to stay here?”

“You’re looking great, Blinky!” Gary said, using Dr Trifle’s old nickname and shaking his hand furiously. “As for me, I just flew in from Perth and my arms are tired! Woo woo woo!”

Every time Gary told a joke he strutted around like a rooster, pumping his elbows up and down and saying, “Woo woo woo!”

“His jokes are absolutely awful!” Selby thought. “But the problem is — it’s all I can do to keep from laughing at them. And if I ever laughed — if I ever even
smiled
— my secret would be out! I’ve got to get out of here quick!”

Selby dashed for the door but Gary reached out and grabbed him by the collar.

“Selby’s a real locksmith dog,” Gary said, patting him on the head.

“A locksmith dog?” Dr Trifle asked.

“Yes. He just made a
bolt
for the door! Woo woo woo!” Gary boomed. “Seriously though, I had a kelpie once and I put him in some sheepdog trials.”

“Is that so?” Dr Trifle said. “How’d he do?”

“He was found
not guilty!
Woo woo woo!” Gary laughed. “But seriously, I was going to sell him but he got his tail caught in a gate. I had to sell him
wholesale
because I couldn’t
retail
him! Woo woo woo!”

“Oh, that’s very funny,” Dr Trifle said instead of laughing. “But you never really had a dog, did you Gary?”

“I had a dog just like your Selby but he got lost.”

“Isn’t that sad. What did you do?”

“Nothing. I was going to put an ad in the newspaper but I knew it wouldn’t do any good.”

“Why not?”

“Because he couldn’t read! Woo woo woo!” Gary screeched, pumping his arms up and down, giving Selby time to dart out the door and into the bushes before he laughed. “Hey! Why don’t you bring Selby to the banquet tonight and I can tell some more dog gags?”

That night the Trifles sat at the end of a long table next to Gary Gaggs. Selby was on Mrs Trifle’s lap watching as the comedian ate masses of food, lots of it falling on his checked shirt.

Finally, just as the Peach Piffle dessert arrived, Gary Gaggs stood up.

“Thank you very much for inviting me here tonight,” he started. “It’s too bad I’m on a diet. By the way, did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? He only ate pygmies. Woo woo woo!”

“Oh, wow! That’s a good one,” Selby thought as he fought back a smile and the guests roared with laughter. “He only ate pygmies!”

“But seriously, folks. This food reminds me of my mother-in-law’s cooking. My mother-in-law is a beautiful lady. She’s sixty years old and still has skin like a peach. But did you ever see the skin of a sixty-year-old peach?! Woo woo woo!”

“A sixty-year-old peach!” Selby squealed as he gasped for breath. “I love his mother-in-law jokes!”

“But seriously, she’s a lovely lady. I call her
my fare lady
. She used to be a bus conductor. Woo woo woo!”

“Oh, I get it!” Selby thought putting a paw over his mouth. “My
fare
lady! That’s great!”

“She’s lovely,” Gary went on. “She only has one false tooth. You’d never know it was false if it didn’t come out in conversation. Woo woo woo!”

Selby put his head under the tablecloth and let out a giggle while everyone howled with laughter.

“But seriously now, folks,” Gary continued. “My mother-in-law used to run a pet shop. One day I went there to buy a pet. She said, ‘I’ve got a cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks.’ I said, ‘A cockatoo that lays square eggs and talks? What does it say?’ And she said,
‘Ouch!’ Woo
woo woo!”

Selby squealed with laughter.

“I can’t stand it,” he thought. “I’ve got to get out of here before anyone realises I’m laughing.”

“So I said to her, I said,” Gary went on, “'I don’t want a bird, I want a dog.’ And she put a dog up on the counter. Now wait a minute. Where’s that dog? Get up here, Selby.”

“Gulp,” Selby thought. “What does he want me for?”

Selby spied an open door and was about to run for it when Gary grabbed him and put him on the table.

“She said, ‘This dog is pure Irish Setter.’ I said, ‘Oh really?’ and she said, ‘No, O’Reilly.’ Woo woo woo!”

“O’Reilly! That’s great!” Selby thought, feeling everyone’s eyes looking at him. “But if I
can’t keep a straight face I’m a done dog. If only his jokes weren’t so funny.”

“So I said to my mother-in-law, I said, ‘This dog has no nose. How does he smell?’ And she said, ‘Terrible!’ Woo woo woo!”

Selby put a paw over his mouth to hide a creeping smile as Gary gripped his collar with one hand and patted him with the other.

“But seriously folks,” Gary continued. “She told me that the dog was a real watchdog. And she was right. I took him home to guard my house and he sat down and watched TV. Woo woo woo!”

“I can’t stand it any longer,” Selby said, choking and sputtering and burying his face in a serviette to keep from laughing — all of which only made the people laugh more.