Seth's Broadway Diary, Volume 1: Part 2 (13 page)

Someone asked what the funniest moment was that she ever had onstage and she proceeded to tell the following. One night during
Cats
she had a cold and a runny nose. She was crouched down at the bridge of the song ("A streetlamp dies, another night is over…") and preparing to rise up to do the final "Touch Me-e-e-e-e-e!" Well, when she rose up and reached towards the audience, she began the reach from her nose and, unfortunately, a long string of mucus came from her nose and reached
all the way
out towards the tip of her finger!
And
it refused to break! So, while she was singing "Touch me-e-e-e! It's so easy to leave me," it stayed right in the spotlight, glimmering. The cats crowding around Grizabella during that song are supposed to be repulsed by her, and that night, no acting was required on their part.

It was an all-Broadway request show and the only rule was it had to be from a show she'd done, and it had to be a song she sang. Nonetheless, people requested songs like "Music of the Night" and "All That Jazz." She also got a request for "I Dreamed a Dream" from
Les Miz
, which was requested as "I
Had
a Dream." Mama Fantine? Our favorite request was "Jubilation T. Cornpone" from
Li'l Abner
. Betty didn't know it, but I did, so I played the piano part while Betty made the woman who requested it sing it! Back ‘atcha! All in all, Betty sang songs from
1776
,
Promises, Promises
,
Pippin
,
I'm Getting My Act Together…
,
Sunset Boulevard
,
A Little Night Music
,
Carrie
, the movie
Tender Mercies
(because she got so many requests for it) and of course,
Cats
. I had no idea that Judi Dench was the original Grizabella in London. I wondered how she sang "Memory" since I don't remember her being able to belt an E flat in "Notes on a Scandal," but turns out when Judi did the show, "Memory" didn't exist. She left
Cats
because of an injury, Elaine Paige took over, and that's when they added the song. Hm… I think if Judi had sung it, the whole show would have been a memory.

At one point in the show, I deconstructed footage of Betty performing in the Miss America Pageant. That's right, the Miss America Pageant. As a teenager, she wanted nothing to do with pageants because it went against her proud feminism (she was a charter subscriber to
Ms. Magazine
), but her parents pushed her to do it and she wanted the scholarship money. She said that all throughout her childhood, her father was vehemently opposed to her being an actress (her mother had to sneak her out of the house for dance classes) because he grew up in South Dakota and the only "actresses" he knew were dance hall hostesses who sometimes segued into becoming
ladies of the evening
. But though he was opposed to her acting, he was completely supportive of her being in pageants. I call that ironic. Betty called it hypocritical. Nonetheless, Betty was crowned Miss Ft. Worth, but did not win the role of Miss Texas. That honor went to the girl who stood next to her and was 6-foot-4-inches in her heels. For the talent portion, Betty sang, but this girl did a dramatic reading of
Gone With the Wind
as her talent. Betty knew she lost when she saw the girl end her monologue by literally eating a turnip. Nonetheless, Betty was invited to perform on the national telecast of
The Miss America Pageant
, representing all of the local pageant girls who don't get to go on to compete in Miss America. Or, as Betty put it, representing losers everywhere.

I found video footage of Betty singing on the 1972 pageant and deconstructed her terrible lack of lip-synching skills. She said that she's never been good at being able to match how she sang something. During the filming of
Tender Mercies
, they had to film the scene where she sang "Over You" over and over again because she kept clanking. In the Miss America pageant, she finally decided that if she kept her mouth wide open a lot, it would make her look like she's singing. It actually just makes her look crazy. On top of that, I showed the part of the song that featured the one time she should have kept her mouth open. Yes, on the extended last note of the song, she closed her mouth before the note ended! So you hear her high belted note ringing out, yet see her mouth clamped shut. Hi-larious!

Finally, I forgot to mention that when I was interviewing Laura Benanti last week, we were talking about audience behavior at Broadway shows. She said that she was told at
Gypsy
to constantly be on the lookout for people videotaping the show. She told me she responded, overwhelmed, with, "Really? Can't I just act?" Well, one day the whole cast noticed someone texting non-stop…
in the front row
! Patti LuPone was mind-boggled someone would pay so much for a ticket, but spend the time texting. Well, Patti demanded that the person be thrown out for Act Two! I asked Laura if the person could have insisted on staying, and she said Patti wouldn't have gone on again. Brava!

OK, people. We're getting closer to landing. Soon, I'll be writing to you from the high seas to tell you all about the Broadway-filled Rosie cruise! Peace out!

Ship of Dreams

July 21, 2008

Ahoy, mateys! I'm back on dry land. I just got off the R Family Vacations cruise. This summer's cruise had the best entertainment so far.

There's a great article that was in The New York
Times
about all the Broadway performers on the cruise. In the article I'm quoted as saying the boat has "the greatest entertainment in the world." My sister Nancy emailed me and asked if the
Times
could add a photo of me with a fat belly, smoking a fat cigar and surrounded by ladies with tassels on their tops. It’s true I sound like Trump, but I was serious. Every show was amazing!

Okay, so Sunday, we got on the boat at 11… and by 11, I mean noon because I had to stop by Starbucks and get my signature iced latte with a breakfast sandwich, which I heard they're discontinuing! And I heard from a Starbucks employee that they're being discontinued
not
because they don't sell well, but because of the smell. "Do they smell bad when they cook?" I asked. "No," he replied, "but they cover up the smell of coffee." What? Who cares?! I can't believe they'd discontinue something the consumer actually wants because they think we need to smell coffee when we're there. I'll smell it when I'm drinking it! Now give me my sandwich ASAP!
They kept the sandwiches! My opinion clearly has incredible power!!

Anyhoo, the Sunday night show was dedicated to Streisand music and it was
amahzing
. The first number was
not
a Barbra song, but had lyrics by Michael Lee Scott and Colin Sheehan and music from
La Cage
. The opening section went:
We are what we are/ And what we are/ Is on vacation
! Brava! Then Rosie came out and did a full tap dance. Those of you that saw the
Encores!
production of
No, No, Nanette
might have found it familiar for some reason. Perhaps because it was the exact same one she did in that show. To be quite honest, the steps stayed the same, and we just changed the music underneath it. I always say, if you're good at one thing, stick with it (see Carol Channing's résumé since 1964).

Rosie hosted the show and was fun-nee. She said she's been doing the "True Colors" tour for The Human Rights Campaign Fund with Cyndi Lauper and Cyndi implored the audience to vote this November. Cyndi then said if you can't make it out of your house, you can vote online. Huh? Rosie told her backstage that you can't actually vote online. Cyndi went back out and told the crowd, "Listen, everybody. Turns out, you can't vote online." Pause. "But you probably will be able to do it one day… because I'm a visionary." Good save… New Age-style!

Rosie mentioned her son, Parker, who's now 13 years old and sports a six-pack. She told us that it's proof that Parker was adopted because "…no O'Donnell ever had a six-pack on the
out
side." Then, Klea Blackhurst came out and sang the hell out of "Before the Parade Passes By," holding the last note as long as Barbra does in the
Hello, Dolly!
film, which I heard is the longest note ever held in a movie — except for the anguished wail I let out after hearing Madonna's version of "Rainbow High" in
Evita
. That was followed by James singing "Piece of Sky" from
Yentl
. He said the song is about going for something you want that's deemed impossible and equated it with growing up gay in Texas, yet wanting to be a dad, which he now is. The song went over
great
and he sounded amazing on the last A flat.

Up next was Carolee Carmello, who belted out "Woman in the Moon." She learned it only because I asked her to, and now she
must
sing it in New York. I was nervous that no one would know it was from the film
A Star is Born
, but thankfully Rosie did because she walked onstage right after and immediately launched into "Queen Bee," which is Barbra's first song in the movie. That movie is so great if you can watch it with your eyes closed just enough to block out Barbra's home perm. Next on the show were the Broadway Boys, which is a group consisting of guys whose only requirement is a) a super high voice, b) flexible riffs that would make Mariah hang up her vocal chords and c) hotness. They sounded great on "I Don't Care Much," which most people thought was a bizarre choice because they only know it from the revival of
Cabaret
, but Barbra did it first on
The Second Barbra Streisand Album
.

The genesis of that song is that Kander and Ebb were at a dinner party and someone challenged them to write a song by the end of the party… and that's what came out! How cool is that? All in the time frame of one meal. Of course, if they were having a dinner like the ones I had on the Rosie cruise, they had around five hours to write the song.

Anyhoo, the Broadway Boys tore it up and next was Christine Pedi, who came out doing her Barbra imitation. "You know… people think I'm a diva… which I'm not. But Rosie knows I am a perfectionist, and I only perform when the temperature is 68 degrees." She then licked her finger and put it in the air. "Hmm… it's 69, so I won't be singing." Instead, "Barbra" invited other strong women to come up and sing a power anthem, and Christine did her amazing "I Will Survive" where she channels Eartha Kitt, Bette Davis, Joan Rivers, Carol Channing and Ethel Merman. The audience went cra-za-zy! Finally, Andrea McArdle came onstage with her daughter Alexis, and they both belted out "Enough is Enough." My friend Mark Cortale was devastated when he saw Alexis. He assumed Andrea's daughter would be a cute little toddler, but she's literally a grown woman. AKA we're ninety.

The next night Sheena Easton gave a concert. Turns out, she's hilarious. She told the audience that if they've ever been in an elevator, then they've heard one of her tunes. She had a great attitude about all of her hit songs in the ‘80s, saying that by singing them today she gets to relive her youth. She sang "Morning Train," which I love not only because it's such a fun song but because I'm obsessed with the formation of it. Circa early ‘80s: Hmm… I can't think of anything interesting to write a song about. So let me take something completely mundane and feign that it's interesting…

Here goes:
My baby takes the morning train. He works from 9 to 5 and then
...

Ooh! Here comes the amazing part:
He takes
another
home again to find me waiting for him.

Sheena, stop! It's called commuting. It's not interesting. I take the 1 train. And?

The next day we stopped in St. John, New Brunswick, Canada (which was beautiful), and that night was the comedy show. I hosted it and hauled out my Barbra deconstruction as well as my deconstruction of Cher singing
West Side Story
. First of all, yes, it exists. Secondly, it's not pleasing to the eye
or
ear. She not only plays the role of Maria, but thanks to an ‘80s split screen effect, plays Anita as well. And thanks to the drag king technology, she also embodies the roles of Tony, Riff, The Sharks
and
The Jets. When I worked on
The Rosie O'Donnell Show
as a comedy writer, I told Rosie to surprise Cher by showing this "embarrassing" clip. Rosie asked Cher if she remembered filming it and I waited for Cher to protest and beg Rosie not to show any of it. Instead, Cher calmly said it was her favorite thing she ever filmed.
Stunned silence from me
. Then she recounted how she first filmed the role of Biff. Biff? Was it a musical version of
Death of a Salesman
?