Seven Days: The Complete Story (51 page)

I feel like shit.

I am an awful, horrid excuse for a human
being. I should not be doing this to Joel.

Last night, I let him make love to me. Yes,
I enjoyed it, I came like three freaking times so there’s no
denying that, but whenever I closed my eyes Nicholas was there.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because Joel wasn’t totally awesome,
he was. Joel was so awesome I began to picture Nicholas watching us
have sex; me sucking Joel; Joel licking my body from top to bottom.
I could see the look on Nicholas’ face and I feel as if I’ve
disappointed him somehow because I gave in so soon after he’d gone.
Yes, I know he wanted me to and he’d never be jealous, he never
was. But I feel like I’ve betrayed him. It was too soon and it
can’t go on.

Quietly, I slip from the bed and tiptoe from
Joel’s room into my room. It’s a cowardly thing to do but I need
time, I need to be alone with my baby to make sense of what’s
happening. I need time to grieve the loss of a man I loved alone. I
dress quickly and shove clothes and toiletries into a bag. I don’t
take a lot of time to consider what I pack, I’m so concerned with
being free. Besides, the Internet is a wonderful thing, I can buy
new stuff. Everything I need can be delivered to my door. I can do
what Joel did and disappear into thin air if that’s what I choose.
I have the resources now.

In the baby’s room, I bustle quietly. Nicky
needs more than me and it takes me some time to organise
everything, especially when my eyes are constantly trained on the
open door, listening for Joel to stir. At last, I have the baby
ready, so I ring a taxi and carry my things to the door. While the
driver is attempting to squash the pram into the boot of the car —
it’s enormous even when collapsed — I leave Joel a note. I tell him
I love him but I need time. I tell him I’m sorry, so very
sorry.

By seven I’ve reached the cottage. The
driver helps me to unload and I stand for a minute after he’s left,
cradling Nicky in my arms and watching the early morning waves
lapping onto the sand. This is where it began. Down there on the
beach I see the very spot where I met Nicholas, just to the left of
the bench. I can see him sitting there on the sand, his forearms
resting on his knees, my red sunhat loosely held in his hand. He’s
looking at me and he’s smiling. The vision is so real, so full of
life I almost believe it’s him; that he’s going to get up and walk
into the cottage. He’s going to take me in his arms and tell me he
loves me; that he’s sorry for staying away for so long.

But that won’t happen.

The apparition isn’t real, a ghost maybe
but not something I can ever touch. This is not a rerun of
Ghost
.

Wiping a wayward tear that’s slipped down my
cheek away, I head for the bedroom. The bed isn’t made but I
couldn’t care less. I turn my phone off and snuggle under the
covers with Nicky. I intend to sleep for a very long time. In
sleep, everything is how it should be.

It’s two weeks before I turn my phone on
again. The screen goes mental with messages from Joel and Emily.
There’s even one from Jill. Clearly, Joel believes I’m ignoring him
so he’s enlisted Jill to see if she can get a result. I don’t ring
either of them back. Instead I send a text letting them know Nicky
and I are safe and well; that we are at The Bay. I ask him to
please stay away for the time being and I tell him I love him.
Because I do. I love Joel more than life itself and that’s what
makes this so hard. Finally, I prepare myself for the barrage of
questions and recriminations as I ring Emily. It’s only a couple of
months now till her wedding and I want to find out if she’s okay. I
hope she’s not freaking out over me and letting my actions ruin
what should be the time of her life. I’ve only ever wanted what’s
best for my bestie.

“Hi.” My voice is tentative when Emily
answers the phone. She’s going to lay into me but I’m prepared for
that.

“Where the hell are you? Joel is out of his
mind with worry. He’s rung me like two million times. The last time
I was in the throes of the best orgasm of my life. Hashtag
awkward.”

“I’m at the cottage. I had to get away.”

“What happened? Last time I talked to you,
you were all set to give Joel the night of his life. Didn’t he like
the sexy underwear? Has he lost his prowess in the bedroom or
something?”

“It’s nothing like that. The sex was
awesome, better than ever actually.”

“Then what the hell are you running from?
Geez Sadie, your constant switching of moods and ideas must be
driving him insane. I know I’m a little psycho with it and I don’t
even live with you.”

Thank God. Emily and I have changed a lot
since we shared out little two bed flat. She’s way more bossy and
opinionated. If that’s possible.

“I just kept seeing Nicholas and I felt so
guilty. It was too soon. I should have waited. I should have let
Joel woo me.”

“This isn’t the eighteenth century, Sadie.
He’s not Mr. freaking Darcy.”

“I know but I need time to grieve. Think
about it. I went straight from the hospital to you and then the
house. Nicholas was instantly replaced by Joel. I’ve never had time
to process and neither has he. It has to be affecting him, too.
Deep down, there has to be some part of him that feels like a
replacement. If our relationship is going to bury the ghost of
Nicholas we have to start again. We have to make a new and
different relationship.”

“Do you love him?”

“More than ever. I’m very clear on that. But
I don’t know if I can live with him again. I don’t know if we can
be together. I don’t want either of us to hurt anymore.”

Emily sighs rather loudly. “What are you
going to do?”

“
I’m going to stay here. The cottage is
mine and The Bay is peaceful and quiet, it’s a good place to get my
head clear. It’s a good place for Nicky. Plus, Nicholas’ house is
here and the
Constance
. I
need to decide what I’m going to do with them. I also need to take
a few sailing lessons.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“
Nope. Nicholas wanted me to learn, so I
will. I have a yacht now so I should make use of it. And when Nicky
is big enough he can have lessons too. I’ll give the
Constance
to him. Nicholas would have
liked that.”

We talk for a while longer. Emily tells me
her plans for the wedding weekend and I promise her I’ll come to
town for the wedding. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m even
going to look for a part time nanny for Nicky so I can do things
like that. I want to spend every minute I can with him of course,
but I need a life too. I’m not going to live like a hermit, the way
Mum did.

“What do I tell Joel if he calls again?”
Emily asks.

“You can tell him everything I’ve told you.
I don’t mind, it’s the truth. I’ve texted him so hopefully he won’t
hassle you too much.”

“Will you bring him to the wedding?”

“I’ll ask him. I’m not ready to hear his
voice yet, though. He messes with my head. He makes me want
him.”

Emily hangs up after extracting a promise
from me that I’ll call her every two days. I agree readily. I like
to be alone but I don’t want to be lonely.

*****

Later in the day, I take Nicky for a walk in
his pram. We head west along the bay road towards the address given
to me by the lawyers of the second house I now own in The Bay. The
road inclines steeply for a while and I find myself puffing while
pushing the pram but finally we reach the top, so I stop to catch
my breath before heading down the other side of the knoll into a
more secluded section of The Bay. The view is breathtaking. A small
enclave of houses is dotted along the coastline, each of them with
large yards and fences to delineate their space. It’s nothing like
the spot my little shack sits on. Over my side of the hill people
don’t give a crap if someone puts their towel on the grass in front
of your gate or a dog runs through the front garden. People look
like they give a lot of a shit on this side of the hill, though.
The lawns are green and manicured, even though water restrictions
are in place for most of the year. The drives are curved and
bitumen, not gravel. Every house is perfectly painted and
maintained. I set off down the road, curious now to see what my
other house is like. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it
yet but I think I want to keep it for Nicky. It can’t stay empty
until such a time comes, though. Twenty years is a long time. Maybe
I could rent it out?

At the bottom of the hill a white timber
letterbox, in the shape of a Cape Cod house, announces my arrival
at the place Nicholas called
Gull’s Nest
. The house is obscured from the road by a white picket
fence and a number of mature bushes forming a high hedge, but I can
see the roof, mirroring the letterbox, on the other side. And from
what I spy this is no cottage. This is a full-blown house. Digging
the keys from my pocket I push the pram down the driveway and into
the yard.

Oh my freaking God.

The house is gorgeous with a capital G.
It’s a Cape Cod with two dormer windows and a large third dormer in
the shape of a barn. The entire house is clad in silvering
shingles. It has white painted windows and a dark grey door with a
brass lion’s head for a knocker. I am gob smacked. This house is
like uber beautiful. So beautiful I just want to run onto that wide
verandah and flop myself into the big comfy lounge and tell myself
how massively lucky I am to have been given it as a gift. Nicholas’
dad must have been spewing when I got this
and
the
Constance
. I know I would have been.

I wheel Nicky down the drive and pull his
pram up onto the verandah. Then, with literally a shiver of
excitement, I push the key into the lock and open the door.

And, like wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I have no other words to describe the
absolute beauty. The house is perfect. Perfect. I always loved my
little cottage but this is like my dream house. With Nicky safely
in my arms we explore the house together. Rustic antique furniture
peppers the rooms. Old woven rugs decorate the timber floor.
There’s a wooden rowboat with Nicholas’ name painted on the side
hanging from the ceiling, an actual life-sized rowboat. Like a kid
in a candy shop I wander about. I choose a bedroom for me — clearly
Nicholas’ by the decorating style — and one for Nicky. There’s two
other spare bedrooms and a study as well. And the view. I have no
words to describe the view but it makes my own seem rather
pathetic. I can see why Nicholas loved coming here so much.

I am officially in love with this house.

After I finish checking it out, I head into
the sitting room. There’s an old piano next to the window and I
wonder if Nicholas knew how to play. He never told me he could.
I’ll have to ask his father. Then I think that maybe, when Nicky is
old enough he could have lessons too. Hell, I might have lessons as
well. I’ve always wanted to learn, I was simply too scared of
starting something as an adult and looking a fool. I run my fingers
along the ivory keys and it’s then I notice three gilt frames
sitting on top of the piano. The first is a photo of a very
beautiful, yet fragile looking, woman. That has to be Nicholas’
mother, Nicky’s grandma. The second is of the same woman and a
little boy. Though his face is younger and chubbier, the eyes are
those of Nicholas. I pick up the frame and examine the picture,
running my fingers over his face. He must have been about five or
six. He looks like a cheeky thing. I put the photo down and turn my
gaze to the last picture. It’s Nicholas on his university
graduation day. He looks so handsome in his cap and gown, his eyes
are shining so brightly into the camera, as if he knows it’s his
destiny to have a life of good fortune. I swipe away a tear and hug
Nicky tight to me, pointing to the picture as I do.

“Look Nicky, this is your daddy. He was a
handsome devil and the nicest man in the world.”

Then I cry.

I cry the tears of loneliness, tears because
I will never see Nicholas again except when I look at his picture.
I cry that he has left me this house, filled with so many memories
I can never explain to my son and I cry for my baby who will never
meet his father. And when I finish crying I go back to my little
cottage and pack my things. I carry them up the hill to my new home
and I unload everything. It takes forever but at last I have two
more photos to sit on the top of the piano with the other three.
The first is the selfie of Nicholas and I. The second is Nicholas,
Joel and I on my graduation day. We’re happy and I’m happy because
I know I’m where Nicholas would want me to be.

I’m on my hands and knees in the garden of
the cottage. The first spring bulbs are poking their heads through
the soil and the trailing rose over the arbour is ready to burst
into flower. I’m busy removing weeds and spreading mulch. Beside
me, on a bunny rug Nicky is gurgling and cooing. He’s rocking side
to side, intent on rolling somewhere, and I’m positive he’s trying
to escape though I have no idea where to. He’s fat and happy and
growing like a weed.

The last two months have rung in so many
changes to my life. I haven’t seen Joel but I’ve spoken to him
often on the phone. He’s finding it hard without Nicholas, harder
than I do, I think. But then Nicholas had been his best friend
since they were eight. He has a right to be taking his grieving
slowly. He’s taking us slowly, too. He hasn’t asked me when I’m
coming home for a few weeks now. He hasn’t mentioned that night and
the effect it had on our relationship. He understands my feelings
and my need for space and solitude and I
so
respect him for giving me that.