Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (84 page)

“With the man’s fundamental duty fulfilled, relations between the living and
the dead are complete, and the filial son’s service to his parents is finished.”

[Translated by Patricia Ebrey from
Under Confucian Eyes: Writings on Gender in
Chinese History,
ed. Susan Mann and Yu-yin Cheng (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2001), pp. 49–69, with many omissions]

LIVES OF MODEL WOMEN

One of the most influential texts used for the education of girls was written by Liu Xiang (79–8 bce) in the Han dynasty. This
Lives of Model Women (Lienu¨

zhuan)
is a collection of brief biographies of 125 women of earlier times, most selected because they exemplified a virtue such as wisdom, loyalty, or constancy, though a few were cautionary stories of women who led men astray. The moral exemplars often were willing to sacrifice themselves to aid a parent or husband.

The biography given below is of the mother of the Confucian scholar Mencius.

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The mother of Mencius lived in Zou in a house near a cemetery. When Mencius was a little boy he liked to play burial rituals in the cemetery, happily building tombs and grave mounds. His mother said to herself, “This is no place to bring up my son.”

She moved near the marketplace in town. Mencius then played merchant games of buying and selling. His mother again said, “This is no place to bring up my son.”

So once again she moved, this time next to a school house. Mencius then played games of ancestor sacrifices and practiced the common courtesies between students and teachers. His mother said, “At last, this is the right place for my son!” There they remained.

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When Mencius grew up he studied the six arts of propriety, music, archery, charioteering, writing, and mathematics. Later he became a famous Confucian scholar. Superior men commented that Mencius’ mother knew the right influences for her sons. The Book of Songs says, “That admirable lady, what will she do for them!”

When Mencius was young, he came home from school one day and found his mother was weaving at the loom. She asked him, “Is school out already?”

He replied, “I left because I felt like it.” His mother took her knife and cut the finished cloth on her loom. Mencius was startled and asked why. She replied, “Your neglecting your studies is very much like my cutting the cloth. The superior person studies to establish a reputation and gain wide knowledge. He is calm and poised and tries to do no wrong. If you do not study now, you will surely end up as a menial servant and will never be free from troubles. It would be just like a woman who supports herself by weaving to give it up. How long could such a person depend on her husband and son to stave off hunger? If a woman neglects her work or a man gives up the cultivation of his character, they may end up as common thieves if not slaves!”

Shaken, from then on Mencius studied hard from morning to night. He studied the philosophy of the master and eventually became a famous Confucian scholar. Superior men observed that Mencius’ mother understood the way of motherhood. The
Book of Poetry
says, “That admirable lady, what will she tell them!”

After Mencius was married, one day as he was going into his private quarters, he encountered his wife not fully dressed. Displeased, Mencius stopped going into his wife’s room. She then went to his mother, begged to be sent home, and said, “I have heard that the etiquette between a man and a woman does not apply in their private room. But lately I have been too casual, and when my husband saw me improperly dressed, he was displeased. He is treating me like a stranger. It is not right for a woman to live as a guest; therefore, please send me back to my parents.”

Mencius’ mother called him to her and said, “It is polite to inquire before you enter a room. You should make some loud noise to warn anyone inside, and as you enter, you should keep your eyes low so that you will not embarrass anyone. Now, you have not behaved properly, yet you are quick to blame others for their impropriety. Isn’t that going a little too far?” Mencius apologized and took back his wife. Superior men said that his mother understood the way to be a mother-in-law.

When Mencius was living in Qi, he was feeling very depressed. His mother saw this and asked him, “Why are you looking so low?” “It’s nothing,” he replied.

On another occasion when Mencius was not working, he leaned against the door and sighed. His mother saw him and said, “The other day I saw that you were troubled, but you answered that it was nothing. But why are you leaning against the door sighing?” Mencius answered, “I have heard that the superior 402

man judges his capabilities and then accepts a position. He neither seeks illicit gains nor covets glory or high salary. If the dukes and princes do not listen to his advice, then he does not talk to them. If they listen to him but do not use his ideas, then he no longer frequents their courts. Today my ideas are not being used in Qi, so I wish to go somewhere else. But I am worried because you are getting too old to travel about the country.” His mother answered, “A woman’s duties are to cook the five grains, heat the wine, look after her parents-in-law, make clothes, and that is all! Therefore, she cultivates the skills required in the women’s quarters and has no ambition to manage affairs outside of the house.

The
Book of Changes
says, ‘In her central place, she attends to the preparation of the food.’ The
Book of Poetry
says, ‘It will be theirs neither to do wrong nor to do good; only about the spirits and the food will they have to think.’ This means that a woman’s duty is not to control or to take charge. Instead she must follow the ‘three submissions.’ When she is young, she must submit to her parents. After her marriage, she must submit to her husband. When she is widowed, she must submit to her son. These are the rules of propriety. Now you are an adult and I am old; therefore, whether you go depends on what you consider right, whether I follow depends on the rules of propriety.”

Superior men observed that Mencius’ mother knew the proper course for women. The
Book of Poetry
says, “Serenely she looks and smiles, / Without any impatience she delivers her instructions.”

[From
Chinese Civilization: A Sourcebook,
ed. Patricia Buckley Ebrey (New York: Free Press, 1993), pp. 72–74]

ADMONITIONS FOR WOMEN

Ban Zhao was a member of one of the most eminent families of the first century c e. One brother was a general, the other a historian. She was widowed early, and when her brother died in 92, the emperor called on Ban Zhao to finish the history he had been working on. She came to the palace where she not only worked on the history but also became a teacher of the women of the palace. According to the
History of the Later Han,
she taught them the Classics, history, astronomy, and mathematics. In 106 an infant succeeded to the throne and Empress Deng became regent. The empress frequently turned to Ban Zhao for advice on government policies. In her
Admonitions for Women (Nu¨jie)
Ban Zhao complained that many families taught their sons but not their daughters.

She did not claim they should have the same education—after all “just as yin and yang differ, men and women have different characteristics.” In subsequent centuries Ban Zhao’s
Admonitions
became one of the most commonly used texts for the education of girls. The two excerpts below show the sorts of virtues she encouraged and the types of arguments she made.

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In ancient times, on the third day after a girl was born, people placed her at the base of the bed, gave her a pot shard to play with, and made a sacrifice to announce her birth. She was put below the bed to show that she was lowly and weak and should concentrate on humbling herself before others. Playing with a shard showed that she should get accustomed to hard work and concentrate on being diligent. Announcing her birth to the ancestors showed that she should focus on continuing the sacrifices. These three customs convey the unchanging path for women and the ritual traditions.

Humility means yielding and acting respectful, putting others first and oneself last, never mentioning one’s own good deeds or denying one’s own faults, enduring insults and bearing with mistreatment, all with due trepidation. In-dustriousness means going to bed late, getting up early, never shirking work morning or night, never refusing to take on domestic work, and completing everything that needs to be done neatly and carefully. Continuing the sacrifices means serving one’s husband-master with appropriate demeanor, keeping oneself clean and pure, never joking or laughing, and preparing pure wine and food to offer to the ancestors.

There has never been a woman who had these three traits and yet ruined her reputation or fell into disgrace. If a woman loses these three traits, she will have no name to preserve and will not be able to avoid shame.

According to the rites, a man is obligated to take a second wife but nothing is written about a woman marrying twice. Hence the saying, “A husband is one’s Heaven: one cannot flee Heaven; one cannot leave a husband.” Heaven punishes those whose actions offend the spirits; a husband looks down on a wife who violates the rites and proprieties. Thus the Model for Women says, “To please one man is her goal; to displease one man ends her goal.” It follows from this that a woman must seek her husband’s love not through such means as flattery, flirting, or false intimacy, but rather through devotion.

Devotion and proper demeanor entail propriety and purity, hearing nothing licentious, seeing nothing depraved, doing nothing likely to draw notice when outside the home; never neglecting one’s appearance when at home; never gathering in groups or watching at the doorway. By contrast, those incapable of devotion and proper demeanor are careless in their actions, look at and listen to whatever they like, let their hair get messy when at home, put on an act of 404

delicacy when away, speak of things they should not mention and watch what they should not see.

[From Ebrey,
Chinese Civilization,
pp. 75–76]

FILIAL SONS

From the Han period on, stories of sons who exemplified filial piety circulated widely and became common themes for pictorial art, such as the decoration of tombs. A group of these tales eventually circulated as the
Twenty-Four Filial
Sons (Ershisi xiaozi),
one of the most popular didactic tracts in later centuries.

The stories below are some of those that decorated the funerary shrine of a low official dated to 151 ce. The texts are drawn from several early compilations, none as old as the shrine, however.

Document 6–13

Min Ziqian had a younger brother. After their mother died, their father remarried and had two other sons. Ziqian drove a chariot for his father and dropped the bridle. His father held his hands and [found] that he wore only thin clothing. The father then went home and called the sons of the stepmother. He held their hands and [found] that they were wearing thick, warm clothing. He blamed his wife, saying, “The reason that I married you was for my sons. Now you are cheating me and I cannot keep you here!” Ziqian went forth and said, “When mother is here, only one son is wearing thin clothing; if mother leaves, four sons will be in the cold.” His father became silent. Therefore people say that Min Ziqian kept his mother home by one word and made three sons warm by a second word.

Elder Laizi was a native of Chu. When he was seventy years old, his parents were both still alive. With the ultimate filial piety, he often wore multicolored clothes to serve his parents food in the main hall. Once he hurt his feet. Afraid to sadden his parents, he made himself tumble stiffly to the ground and bawled like an infant. Confucius remarked: “One does not use the word ‘old’ when one’s parents are getting old, because one fears this will make them grieve about their elderliness. A person like Elder Laizi can be called one who does not lose a child’s heart.”

Zhu Ming was from the Eastern Capital, and he had a brother. After their parents passed away, the two brothers divided up the family property; each obtained a million cash. The younger brother was arrogant and willful, and soon spent all his money. He then went to his older brother to beg, and his older brother always provided. This happened several times, and Zhu Ming’s wife became angry [about this] and cursed and beat her brother-in-law. Zhu Ming heard this and said to his wife: “You are a daughter of a different family,
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but [my brother] is related to my own flesh and blood. Since there are so many women in the world, I can have another wife, but it is impossible to have another brother.” Then he divorced his wife and never saw her again.

Yan Wu was a native of Dongyang. After his father died, he buried the deceased and carried soil on his back to build the tumulus without others’ help.

The work was hard, and his plan was difficult to accomplish. His spirit, however, moved Heaven. A crowd of crows flew over, carrying bits of earth in their bills to help him. Their bills were hurt [from the work], and their blood colored the soil. Therefore, that county was named Wuyang [“Crow Hill”]. Later, Wang Mang changed the name of the county to Wuzhe [“the Crow”].

Zhao Xun had a filial nature even in childhood. When he was five or six years old, whenever he had some delicacy, he would never eat it himself, but would first offer it to his father. When his father went out, he would wait for him to return and only then have his meal. If his father did not return on time, he would stand at the door and cry until his father came home. Several years later his father died. Xun longed for his father and became wan and sallow and worn to a mere shadow. He cried and lived beside his father’s tomb mound.