Sexy Berkeley (1) (35 page)

"I wish you could be in it with me. Do you want me to talk dirty to you so you can have a turn?"

Daniel laughs.
"No, it's ok, baby. You just relax. I suppose I'd better let you go and get some sleep soon."

I immediately feel bereft at the thought of hanging up.
"Oh... do you have to?"

"No, of course not
, I don't want to keep you though, if you need to get to bed. I'm happy to talk as long as you want, I've got all day!"

That thought is wonderful, being able to talk to him all night if I want to, is exactly what I need to hear. We continue to talk and when I'm pruney, I get out of the bath and wrap myself in my big fluffy dressing gown.

I warm myself a bowl of chicken noodle soup that Mum has left in the fridge, and chat to Daniel throughout my dinner, while he eats his lunch. Shortly after, I lock everything up before crawling into bed with him... with my phone.

"You sound cosy, baby."

"Yes, I am, not as cosy as I am in your bed, but I'm cosy enough. I'm so tired."

"I'll go then, sweetheart."

"No! Don't go! Stay until I go to sleep, please?"

"Sure, if that's what you want, baby. So what do you want to do about contacting each other? I want to be able to text or call whenever I like, but is that what you want?"

"I wish we could, but we should limit it so that we can gradually get used to not having each other. This isn't a long distance..."

Daniel cut's me off.
"Relationship, yes I know Bea, you keep telling me. Would it really be that bad?"

"Yes, it would. We can't be together so how do you move that relationship forward? You can't live here, I can't live there... we can't see each other apart from the odd two days every few months, if that. One day, one of us will meet someone else and it will be a much more attractive relationship because we'll be able to see, touch, feel, make love to that person. I can't live with that. One of us will end up being deceitful and I'm not prepared to put myself in that situation. As it is, yes, I'll admit that you feel like my boyfriend and you've already said that you see me as your girlfriend, but the only way for us to go forward, is to try to distance ourselves, because what we want is never going to happen. I can't pine for you forever."

A long silence follows.
"Daniel?"

"I'm still here, Bea, taking all that in. But what if? What if we did manage to find a way?"

"It's highly unlikely, unless you're prepared to give up everything, but if we did, amazing. Until such time, though, we need to go forward as if it's never going to happen."

"Wow. Brutal."

"But you knew the score, Daniel."

"I know I did, I just didn't think I would need you this much. I didn't think it would be this hard."

I sigh, I don't want to argue, he's sad and I'm panicking that I'll spend the rest of my life crying for him. I don't know how you get over something like this.
"Neither did I. Sorry, Daniel, I don't mean to sound so... harsh."

"It's ok, baby. Like you say, I knew the deal all along."

"I really do love you and wish, more than anything, that there was a way."

"Me too."

"So, in the interest of our future sanity, why don't we limit ourselves to only texting a couple of times in the evening... my evening, your lunch time, and maybe speak on the phone twice a week, going down to once a week... how does that sound?"

"And email?"

"I think no email..."

"That's not a lot of contact, baby."

"I know, it'll be really hard for me but we need to keep it to a minimum."

"Ok, if that's what you want."
He sounds forlorn.

"What I want is for you to be here with me, snuggling me into your big, strong arms, kissing me."

"Big, strong arms, huh?"
I hear his smile.

"Oh yes, your gorgeous, toned body... mmm. I love how small I feel when you're wrapped around me."

"You're tiny anyway, I love that. I miss touching you. Will this get easier? It's only been a day."

"I don't know, I hope so because I feel bereft when I'm not communicating with you. I don't know how long I'll manage if it doesn't ease."

"Me neither."

I yawn, my eyes closed as I snuggle into my pillow.
"I love that I'm all snuggled in my bed falling asleep, talking to you. I can try to imagine you're next to me."

"I will be soon."

"This call must be costing you a fortune."

"Don't worry about it, baby, I'm not. Sweetheart, if we carry on as you say, not in a relationship, would you come to LA on vacation?"

"If I got invited back with Tilly, I might."

"What if you got invited to come stay in a nice apartment in the 'W' for a couple weeks? Would you come?"

"Hmm, that's a tough one, I'd be sorely tempted."

"Ok, good to know it's not completely ruled out."

"Two weeks of Daniel would be heavenly, but the hell of going home would make me rethink,"
I respond, sleepily.

"Ok, we'll discuss another time then."

"Mmm..."
I'm almost drifting off but I don't want to stop talking.

"Baby," he says softly, "you're falling asleep, I should go and leave you to rest."

"Oh..."
I moan.

"Yes, Bea
, I'm going to go, you need to sleep now. I want you to drift off into a lovely, deep sleep and dream about me kissing you, all over your beautiful body."

"Mmm..."

"I'll wait for you to text me tomorrow night, your time and I'll speak to you same time on what, Wednesday?"

"Mmm, can't wait. I love you, Daniel."

"I love you, too, baby. So much. Night night, sweetheart, sweet dreams."

"You too. Love you."

"Goodnight."

And with his beautiful, sexy deep tone held in my mind, I do exactly that and drift off into a deep, lovely sleep where Daniel is laying next to me in my bed, talking to me about work, playing with my hair and trailing gentle kisses all over my face.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

TUESDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER

Waking up the next morning was odd. I'd had a wonderful sleep, I'd had my Daniel with me (albeit in my dreams) and I felt happy for speaking to him for hours last night, but I still felt miserable. I was still over five thousand miles from my boyfriend, I knew I had to stop calling him 'my boyfriend', I had no plans to see him, and I wasn't going to speak to him until tomorrow night. And to top it all off, I got my period. Joy. At least it waited until I got home so I could have all the sex in LA.

I managed to pull myself out of bed and get dressed, ready for a long day of mixed emotions. After breakfast, I toyed with the idea of shoving Daniel's jumper in my handbag so I'd have it on hand whenever I needed a sniff, but decided that was taking it too far, and tucked it neatly under my pillow.

I left my apartment and drove around to the girls' place to see how Til is. I've missed driving and I've missed my lovely little car, but it does seem particularly basic next to Daniel's gorgeous Bentley.
Oh, Daniel.

As I pull up outside their maisonette, I notice that the curtains to the front room are still closed, which is unusual. Maybe Tilly is still asleep. I should get her up, it's almost ten.
I open the front door using my key and close it gently so I don't give her a fright. As I walk around the corner to the lounge to open the curtains, I am surprised to see Tilly walking out towards me looking horrendous. I know immediately that she is
not
ok.

"Tilly..." she looks up slowly, hunched over and pale and her mouth twitches downwards at the sides. I drop my bag and head straight over to wrap my arms around her, she doesn't even hug me back, just breaks down, collapsing against my body.

"Oh, darling, it's ok." I try to console her. Apart from the terrible time she had when her dad died, I've never seen her in a bad place. It's quite disturbing to see her like this. "What's happened Til?"

"N-noth-ing," she mumbles, hardly able to get any noise out between the violent sobs shuddering her chest.

"Come on Tils, this is me. I know something is up, Clare and I both do, you had been perfectly fine on holiday and then you suddenly changed - I'm not stupid, so you're going to sit down and talk to me about it. Right?"

She smiles slightly at my bossiness and nods before padding over to the sofa and curling up in a ball.

"I'll be right back." I go to the kitchen and flick the kettle on, they have cups here! I get a glass of water for Tilly and grab a box of tissues before returning to the sofa. "Here." I hand her the tissues and water, and sit on the sofa, facing Tilly with my legs tucked under my body. "Now, tell me what's going on, and don't even think of trying to tell me this is about leaving Gemma."

"I... I just... I don't know, Bea."

"It's Luke, isn't it? What happened? Something did."

"Nothing happened. We had a great time. I just... I kind of realised that I'm not happy with how I am. I want... I want more now."

"Tilly, I know you say that you only want a bit of fun, but I know you. You don't want to get your heart broken again, so you don't open up to anyone, but you can, Tilly." I think back to the time, years ago, when she had a hideous break-up with her boyfriend Scott. He was a total bastard, but even then, I never saw her like this. At the time, she shed a tear and quickly bounced back. She hasn't had another 'proper' relationship since, but she always swore that she was happier that way.

"I know, and I do want all that happy ending shit - don't tell anyone I said that or I'll kill you - but I don't see how I can have it, without the fucking heart break. I mean - no offence - but look at you, you're right in the shitter, and he hasn't even put a foot wrong! I felt myself, you know... with Luke, and now I'm in all sorts of shit because he's possibly the last person on the whole planet I should have let that happen with."

"Do you love him?"

"Don't be stupid."

"Tilly, I'm not being stupid."

"No. I just... I opened up to him. I don't do that. I shouldn't have either because he doesn't want all that crap."

"Did he say that?"

"Oh come on, Bea, he didn't have to. He's a
ladies’ man, he'll have forgotten about me already. I knew that all along. I just, I hate that I like him so much, I know he's my type, but my type has always been happy-go-lucky, hot ladies boys who I can have a brief fling with, with no strings. I don't want to want more with one of those kinds of guys."

"You want more with Luke though?"

"If I lived in LA - yes, I'd want more with him. That's what scares the shit out of me. He'd never want more with a girl like me... he'd never want more with anyone. I'm angry that I let myself feel that way for him. I really thought the fuck buddy thing was great, a super-hot piece of eye-candy for me to visit every time I go to my sister's, but now, I don't think I could do that. It won't happen though because I told him we won't see each other again."

"Why?"

"Because I freaked out. I didn't like how much I liked him and decided that if we see each other again, I might feel more."

"What did he say to that?"

"It all got a bit weird, we kind of stopped talking after that. Carried on fucking obviously." She shrugs and smiles.

I grin. "Obviously..."

"But we stopped talking about anything when we weren't in bed, and it just got weird."

"That makes sense to me now. The thing is Tilly, how do you know he doesn't like you more than just a fuck buddy? Daniel said he'd never seen Luke like this before."

"He would! That's what blokes do for their mates, play games, he knew you'd tell me."

"Daniel's not like that, Tilly." I bite back, sternly, defending my man.
I really need to stop thinking of him as mine
. "He told me that Luke hadn't been with any other women while you were there and that he's never seen him act the way he does around you. And that's not bullshit, Tilly."

"Well, it's good to know he wasn't shagging anyone else, but he didn't really have a lot of free time," she says with a grin.

"You two definitely had a spark."

"I felt a spark. I never get that anymore. Ever."

"Why don't you contact him?"

"Absolutely not. No way. We're not seeing each other again, Bea. I'm not going to put myself in the position you're in. Sorry."

"No apology necessary, it is really awful and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, but doll, you look like you
are
in my position. You look like you feel as shit as I do. No offence."

She shrugs and smiles. "None taken, I look like shit, I know. I'm not in love with him, Bea, I'm just having a little early-to-mid-life moment. I'm realising that what I've been wanting, isn't really what I want. I'm sad to be back, I miss my sister, I do really miss Luke, I miss LA and I've got jet lag. I'm just emotional and am about to get my period so everything has come together and is making me miserable."

"Oh, tell me about it, I got mine today. At least we didn't get it on holiday though, to ruin all the sex."

"Yeah, there is that I suppose." Tilly giggles.

"Come on, I'll run you a bath and you can get ready and come out with me. I've got to go and get some plates and cups and all that crap, and then I'm going to go to Bear's and see what's new. You up for that?"

"Not really, but I need to stop moping. I'm sure it'll make me feel better."

"It will. I'm sorry I was so wrapped up in myself all the way home. I knew you weren't yourself."

"Oh shut up, don't be stupid. Bea, you are going through something horrible and I wish I could make it better for you. I wish I could magic Daniel here so you could live happily ever after, I love him you know, he's my favourite of any guy you've ever been out with."

"Oh, I love him too. But let's not start, I don't want to get crying again, I am trying to be strong."

"Thank you, babe. Thanks for looking after me and making me tell you, I really did need to talk about it, but it's hard for me, you know? Clare, as gorgeous as she is and I love her, just wasn't there in LA, so she doesn't really know, I didn't feel like I could tell the whole story without breaking down."

"I know, and so does she, she'll understand. Do you want me to tell her?"

"Yes please, I want her to know why I'm sad, and I'd hate for her to feel excluded, but I don't want to have to go over it all."

"Ok. Consider it sorted. Now, I'm running the bath and making a cuppa. I'll give you an hour!"

"Yes, Miss
!"

~~~~~~~

It was really good to get out with Tilly. We both needed something to preoccupy ourselves with. Tilly helped me pick out some crockery, it's nothing like the lovely set that my parents bought me, but I will have to wait a while if I want to think about buying that set. I spent far too much in LA to be splurging now.

We chatted about the fun times we had in Los Angeles, it made me feel closer to Daniel, somehow, talking about it. It was painful, but a pain I felt I needed to endure because it made me happy, remembering things like our indulgent shopping trip in Beverly Hills, our night at the 'W' and afterwards at Daniel's, our chilling out time around the pool... it was all so wonderful.

We pull into a rare, available parking space on the High Street and walk towards Bear's. I'm really excited, I've never been away from it for this long and I have missed it. I smile as the familiar chocolaty aroma that always lingers outside the shop, wafts over to me, welcoming me back.

Everyone is happy to see me, as I am, them. There are no appointments for the next hour or so, so Tilly, Clare and I sit around one of our tables with a pot of tea and a cake, chatting. Clare tells me about the new contract that we're about to finalise with a company in London, supplying a selection of cakes daily. It reminds me of the cake selections that 'Henry Berkeley' do, it's along the same lines. We have a similar contract with another local firm although the new contract seems a lot bigger and will be an excellent opportunity.

Tilly nips out to the pharmacy, and I take the opportunity to fill Clare in. She's relieved to know, because she had been worrying about her, but she understands why Tilly didn't want to bring it up.

By the time we leave and make our way back to Watford, it's already nearly four, and we're both a little on the tired side, no doubt our long journey and all the crying is catching up on us.
Tilly decides to come back to mine for a bit, we both admitted we'd rather be alone but knew it wasn't the best idea because we'd just end up wallowing and crying all evening.

We chill out on the sofa with a glass of wine and some music in the background. Today has been a fantastic distraction and I have loved having my best friends with me, but it hasn't taken the sting away.
As the talking winds down, exhaustion takes over. My thoughts are, as always, with Daniel.

The slow music in the background plays along with my solemn mood and I can't help but reach for Daniel's card to read. It's my undoing, I knew it would be. Tears trickle down my cheeks, an endless stream of warm saline. I hold it to my chest, weeping silently, I miss him so much, I don't see how this feeling of utter loss will ever go away. It's ridiculous, he's alive and well, all I need to do is pick up the phone and I can talk to him, but it's a short term gain for long term suffering. I'll never get over him if I just pick up the phone every time I get sad.

I sniff and Tilly turns to look at me and I at her, noticing that she is in exactly the same state. What a pair. "Do you want to stay tonight?" I ask.

"I'd like to, but I'm back at work tomorrow and I'm not sure that I fancy getting up early and walking back to our place. I know it doesn't usually bother me but I need to get my head organised before I go back to work."

"Ok, well the offer is there, and my super comfy spare bed."

"Thanks, it's tempting. I'll see how I feel later. I'll hang about for the evening though if you don't mind?"

"Course not. The last thing I want to do is eat, but we need to, so what do you fancy for dinner? I have a fridge full of food or we could get a take-away?"

"Let's get a take-away, we're sad, we shouldn't have to cook."

"Too right, ok what do you want, pizza, Thai, Chinese?"

"Not pizza, after that amazing one at Daniel's that night, no take away pizza will ever be good enough. Let's get Thai. Shall we ask Clare over?"

"No, she's out tonight. Oliver mentioned yesterday that a few of them are going to the pub."

"Oh, ok. I obviously wasn't listening. Is there something going on with Oliver and Clare?"

"No! What makes you say that?"

"They just seem a bit... friendly."

"You've just got it on the brain."

"Yeah, you're right. Ok, I'll order the food and get it delivered so we don't have to go out looking like shit."
I giggle, she makes me laugh even when she's not trying.

When the dinner arrives, it's eight o'clock and I get butterflies knowing that I can text Daniel now.

I put the plates and cutlery on the coffee table and Tilly serves up while I rummage through my bag for my iPhone.