Sexy Summers (Sexy Series) (33 page)

CHAPTER
SIXTEEN

FRIDAY 28TH DECEMBER

"Til, darling, I brought you tea..." Clare's soft voice echoes as I wake, my eyes swollen and heavy to open. And thud. It hits me again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, attempting to compose myself before I go into meltdown when I haven't even said a word to anyone yet.

I nod and smile, I just know if I open my mouth to speak, a sob with fall right out onto the pillow. Luke's pillow. I had to swap them so I could smell him, and so Olly didn't change the smell with his own fragrance, it's all I have left of him, apart from the jigsaw heart and my fluffy bunnies that I can't bear to look at.

I sit up and take a sip of the tea, the hot liquid gliding down my cold, tense system. Olly is already awake, drinking his coffee next to me. "Morning," he says, "I think I enjoy this 'playing husband' shit, suits me I reckon. How does it feel waking up next to a stunner like me? Bet you feel like you've hit the jackpot, don't you?"

Instantly the giggles tumble from my body, exactly what I needed. "You'd make a wonderful husband one day Olly, but sadly, not mine. And anyway - how are you playing husband? You have woken up next to many a girl in your time, and you didn't even have sex with this one!"

"I don't spoon, and I definitely don't wake up with my hand on
someone’s pregnant belly. I mean, what the fuck? I freaked myself out."

I laugh, "Did you? You were touching my belly?"

"Yes! Keep it away from me."

I have to put my cup down, my body jolting with laughter. "You don't mean that, you're just getting close to your little buddy, you are going to be the best uncle ever, Ols."

"I won't argue," he says, polishing his nails on his t-shirt. "Oh, and next time you want to steal one of my t-shirts, can you nick an old one? I only wore than once and have been looking for it for years, I thought I'd lost the plot!"

Damn it! I've gone forever without him seeing this!
"Oh... yeah..." I offer him a cheeky grin and he rolls his eyes.

"Til, I know you want to stay in bed, but we thought we'd all go to Bea and Daniel's today, chill out around there in a different environment. It'll be good for you." Clare says. "And, we could all have a swim or something?"

On the one hand, it sounds great; a change of environment as she says, another exploration of their fabulous house, and a swim in the luxurious pool, but I think I just want to be on my own today - so I can cry it all out without any witnesses and do whatever it is that I need to do. "Actually, I think I might just stay here on my own. But you all go, please, I think I'll have a day to myself."

"Til, no. You have to come with us. We've spent so much of the holiday apart, and we have all missed you a lot. Now we're going to spend the day together, taking care of our Tilly and our baby, okay?"

I smile slightly and nod. "Okay." I really need to force myself to do this, as much as I really don't want to move. Wriggler needs fresh air and so do I.

After they leave me to get ready, the first time I've been properly alone since he left, I try to keep busy. Clothes on, clean the teeth, tidy the mess away, make the bed... sit... smell the pillow... collapse on the bed and hug the pillow...
Oh dear, not what I had planned.

I inhale so deeply, trying to almost ingest this little bit of Luke that remains on the pillow. I don't know how I will cope for the rest of my life with his child, knowing he's Daniel's best friend; knowing that Bea will be seeing him regularly and that she'll know his
son or daughter, yet he won't.

If he ever comes to London, I'll have to miss out on any social gatherings, for fear of seeing him and knowing that he doesn't want me or my beautiful baby. I will always love him, and seeing his face will be like getting zapped by a taser, '
here's what you can't have, Til, the man you want more than anyone else'.
And I'll have to watch him with other women... what if he likes the idea of having a girlfriend, now that he's had one, briefly? What if he brings one to England and she meets all of my friends?
Oh dear god, I feel sick again.

I take one last deep breath with my face pressed into his pillow, and place it back on the bed, tearing myself away from it to grab my iPad, handbag and phone and make my way down stairs.
It's a fucking pillow, Til. You're not leaving a real life Luke in the bedroom. He's already fucking done that to you.

Arriving at Bea's, we're welcomed at the door with big mugs of spicy chai latte, such a welcome treat after the cold trip from the car to the house. It's freezing today and the snow is coming down in sheets. We curl up in front of the fire and relax with our drinks, canapés already centring the coffee table.

Everyone chats but I find it very hard to concentrate, continuously running through our last few moments together. Why didn't I wake up before he left? Why didn't I hear him packing and stop him? Why didn't I talk to him the previous night about my concerns, instead of leaving it to the morning, when it would be too late? I might have been able to stop him. But what was so bad? I mean he cuddled me, he kissed me over and over, he was holding our unborn baby in his hands... how could he leave that? How could he leave us to do all of this on our own? How could he leave me to feel like this? That
bastard!
How could he!

I can't sit here anymore, I want to scream or break something, at the very least growl with anger and throw cushions. How dare he leave me like this after telling me he loved me and letting me believe we could do this? I need to excuse myself, and I know where to go.

"Bea, I'm sorry to interrupt, can I please go and sit in the library for a minute? I just need some time on my own, away from noise and talking and everything. I'm sorry, I just need to have a little melt down and I just want to do it alone."

"Oh darling of course, help yourself, spend as long as you like up there. All day if you have to."

I exhale deeply and smile, appreciatively. "Thank you for understanding."

"Of course, go and do what you need to do."

Everyone resumes conversation, refraining from making a fuss, as I stand and make my way out of the room with my bag. I practically sprint up to the library and as soon as I get there I double over, putting my hands on my knees and moaning out loud. I don't know how to keep this pain in, I need to cry and scream and let it out! Noise is the only thing I can think of to do that.

I stand straight and immediately walk straight over to the ladder that we had sex on, and shove it hard. It hurts my hand more than anything but I don't care. "Uh... bastard!" I shout, knowing no one will
hear me and glad for the freedom. "Fucking bastard! Arse-hole! Selfish fucking prick! Uh!" I cry, throwing the nearest book I can find at the wall.

Oh shit... that's not mine.
I move to go and pick up the book, feeling bad to have damaged one of the books in the beautiful room.
Whoops
. After careful inspection, I note that the book isn't damaged at all, and I place it on the small table as I drop down in the love seat.
Fucking love seat, more like 'stupid-motherfucker-for-falling-in-love'-seat'.

I take my phone out of my bag and go straight to Luke's number, ringing it. I haven't tried so far because Daniel told me what he'd said, but I'm so angry right now. He can't just leave and not give me any answers! What a wimp! It rings and rings, but he doesn't answer, angering me even more, so I stay on the line to leave a voicemail.

"You're a fucking bastard! How dare you! Don't you give two shits about us? No, obviously you don't or you wouldn't have just upped and left in the middle of the night without so much as an explanation! You're a pussy; a stupid, bastard, arse-hole pussy and I fucking hate you for this!" I scream down the phone, the tears of anger running down my cheeks. "I trusted that you loved me, I trusted that you would change for me, I let myself believe we could be a family, a happy fucking family! My poor baby, god knows what he's experiencing in there, I hate that I'm like this with a baby inside me, my baby... your baby... our... baby..." I say, slowing to a halt as I begin to weep down the phone. "I love you so much. I love you... and I hate you. So much, Luke. Why did you go?" I cry, sobbing down the phone as I hang up. It's going to do no good, but I need him to hear it, to know what he's done to me.

I drop my phone on the table and rest my head in my hands, letting go, releasing the overwhelming emotion that has been building up since I left my pillow.
This
is why I don't have relationships,
this
is why I didn't want to get involved with Luke again; I knew I'd fall so deep that I couldn't climb out, and that he'd leave me down in that ditch. If he'd have done this the moment I told him, it might have been a little easier, I would have understood that he didn't want this, I thought all along that he would probably leave when I told him.

But he was nice - shocked, but nice; lovely in fact. He touched my tummy, he tried to bond a little, talked to the baby, reassured me and made me believe we'll be happy raising Wriggler together. Why did he do all that if he was just going to leave anyway? It makes this so much more painful. The unexpected hurts so much more than my original fear of losing him immediately.
Bastard!

I curl up in the chair and cover myself with the big furry blanket draped over the back, trying to calm myself enough to start thinking of my plan for the future. I need to focus on something to get me through, I'm going to have to find somewhere to live. That in itself is a sharp stabbing pain to my system; for the last few days, I've been mentally picturing myself in LA with Luke and have gotten so excited about where we'll live, being close to Gemma and spending weekends together with her and our families. Thinking of having to move out of my maisonette to find somewhere else, on my own, in England is a huge blow.

I could still move to LA to be closer to Gemma, but then I would have more of a chance of bumping into Luke, and knowing he lives so close but hasn't met his own child will hurt like nothing else. If I haven't got him, I need my friends. I need Gemma, too, but I can't live so close, yet feel so terribly far from Luke.

Minutes, probably even a couple of hours pass as I sit in the same position gazing out of that huge round window to my right. Bea opened the door at the bottom of the stairs to my left, a short while ago and brought me up a hot drink and a little bit of lunch. I smiled as she got to the top of the stairs. "Hello, doll," I said, my voice quiet and weak.

She just shook her head and said, "Shh," leaving the food, kissing my forehead and smiling at me before disappearing back down the stairs and closing the door at the bottom. She knows how to deal with me in all sorts of situations, they all do, and considering I never get emotional like this, they are getting it spot-on. I really didn't want to talk - she knew it, and respected it, like the perfect friend that she is.

I haven't heard anything from Luke since my crazed voicemail and it frustrates me. I so want to hear his happy, sexy voice, feel the tingles that spread across my skin when he laughs, the joy that blooms within when he says something funny or romantic.

I take my phone, deciding to text him.

-

28 Dec 14:03

I'm sorry for my voicemail. I am just so frustrated, hurt and so horribly sad, Luke. Please talk to me? Please tell me why you left? I won't get cross - I just want to speak to you. I miss you so much, I can't explain how much I hurt, wanting you. Please explain it all to me? I LOVE you. T. xxx

-

I leave the phone on the table and snuggle back into the blanket, pulling it up to my face and watching the heavy snowstorm belting down outside. It's very cosy and if I was here in the arms of my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend... whatever he is now, I would be in my element.

I fall asleep again, the crying too much for my exhausted body to take while it's trying to grow a baby. I am cosy, warm and comfortable and I sleep deeply for a good couple of hours. The vibration of my phone on the table wakes me with a jolt and my hand grabs it faster than lighting, expectantly. My eyes sleepy and blurry, I have to blink a few times to be able to focus clearly on why my phone was vibrating in the first place. Text Message. From... Luke!

I sit up straight and immediately click into the message.

-

LA Luke
28 Dec 17:11

I can't. I love you, Tilly, more than anything, and I'm so sorry for what I have done. I am all of the things that you called me, and more. I miss you, too, but please try to move on, it will be easier for you. I will never love anyone like I love you. Goodbye my Princess. xxxx

-

I immediately hit reply.

-

28 Dec 17:13

Luke! Please don't stop - talk to me, will you call me? Please? It's okay, we'll be okay, I promise. We can take things slower and get you used to it all. It won't be hard, darling, we can do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable about all of this. Just talk to me. Please? Don't say goodbye. xxx

-

-

LA Luke
28 Dec 17:15

Stop it, Tilly. I can't do this, you're too good for this shit, stop trying to 'help' me. I'm an asshole. It's not going to change. I'm sorry. I can't text anymore. We can't speak. Take care of both of you, promise me that. xx