Shadow of Shame: Book 1 of the Shadow series (10 page)

Jonas felt relieved that Ivy no longer feared him. He also was glad, he supposed, that she knew the truth. Now she’d understand why they could never be more than friends, and why he refused to pull her good standing down by her association with him.

Jonas had purchased several copies of Zoe's birth document, and he put them all away except for one, which he framed, and hung in the sitting room for all to see. When he was done, he called Thelma into the room.

“See that document, Thelma?” he asked. “If anyone comes here when I’m not home and wants to take Zoe, you show them this document, and you don’t let them take her. She’s mine.”

Thelma stepped up to the document. “That’s impressive,” she said. “She definitely is a keeper. I’m happy for you, Jonas, you need someone to care about.”

Jonas also showed the document to Ingrid and Zoe. Although he knew Zoe couldn’t read it, he pointed to the document, and then to himself, and said, “Father.”

Zoe looked confused.

Ingrid said, “In Sweden, we called father: fader, or pappa.”

“Really?” Jonas asked. “What should I have her call me?”

“Well, out here in Kansas I hear children say, pa, or papa.”

“Strange they don’t call father, fafa,” he laughed. “Since I want her to fit in with everyone around here, I choose papa.”

Jonas pointed to Zoe, and then to himself, and said, “Papa.”

Zoe repeated, “Papa,” in a whisper. Then she smiled and exclaimed, “Papa!”

It was a gorgeous fall day, the trees were aflame with bright colors, and the air was warm with just the touch of a cool breeze. Ivy rode down to visit Zoe, admiring the scenery along the country roads. When she turned onto Jonas’s pathway, she saw him walking a horse around the corral. Why did her heart always seem to beat faster whenever she caught a glimpse of him? He wore his sleeves rolled up as he led a pinto horse around the area. She slid off her horse, and stood at the corral fence and watched him. His arm muscles strained against his shirt, and a stray curl dangled down his forehead. Ivy was as attracted to him today as she was the first time she she’d seen him. She could watch him all day.

He bent to check the horse’s hoof, but then swung suddenly around. “Ivy!” he called. “I had the feeling someone was watching me. How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long. I came to visit Zoe.”

Jonas walked to the gate, opened it, walked through, and closed it behind him. “She’s not here. Ingrid took her to see Doc for a checkup.”

Beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead. The perspiration emitted the scent of his male musk, mixed with whatever he’d used to shave with.

“That’s a good idea. They might already have a record started on her,” Ivy said.

“I hope so. And you were right. I went to the courthouse and got my daughter’s birth certificate. It’s framed in the sitting room.”

“Oh, Jonas! Can I see it?” she asked.

“You may.” He wiped his face with his handkerchief. “C’mon.” He motioned for her to follow him.

They entered through the kitchen, and Jonas introduced Ivy to Thelma, who was up to her elbows in some sort of dough. He led Ivy straight through to the sitting room.

“Your home is lovely,” Ivy said as she gazed around. She noted that it didn’t look much like a bachelor’s home, as it was neat, tidy, and tastefully decorated.

Jonas pointed proudly to a framed document on the wall.

Ivy stepped up to the framed document, and read it. She smiled. “Well done, Jonas.” She was touched by the pride he took in having a daughter. Every day this man amazed her, and it only made her want him more. She didn’t know how she could have ever believed Boyd, even for a moment. She chalked it up to her traumatic experience.

“Now she's calling me Papa. I’ve been called many names in my lifetime, but that's one I’ll never tire of hearing.”

Ivy noticed that his face glowed with happiness, which made her feel warm all over.

“Last night, when I went to say goodnight, she wanted a bedtime story. I didn’t have any books to read from, so I made a story up, and she seemed to love it. I will have to go to pick up some children’s books,” he said, “for I don’t think I can come up with a new story every night.”

“Well,” Ivy began, “now that Zoe isn’t here, I have a whole afternoon with nothing to do.”

“I’m sorry, Ivy. If you’d like, I can let you help Mac and Harry clean stalls,” he said with a grin.

“No thanks! But, if you aren’t busy, I wonder if maybe we could ride into town and see about getting some books for Zoe,” she said.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ivy. Although it would have been fun.” His face suddenly lost all its radiance.

“Why? Are you busy today?”

“I don’t have to make excuses anymore, since you know my whole story. It’s because you shouldn’t be seen with me. It’s for the best, Ivy.”

“That’s ridiculous. I told my father all about you rescuing a child, and Jonas, he's happy that I’m helping you with Zoe. He even told me to tell you he’d be happy to help in any way himself.”

“It’s not the same, as being seen with me in town. Sooner or later, someone who remembers will bring up my past. Not only would that hurt your reputation, but it would get back to your father, and he wouldn’t think me so much of a hero then.”

Ivy pouted. “I really wanted to spend some time with you today, Jonas.” There. She’d said it. Someone had to make the first move, and if he wasn't about to, she would do it herself.

He gave her a puzzled look. “Why?”

She shrugged, unsure of how bold she should be. “I like you—we’re friends.”

“I like you, too, Ivy. And I value that friendship, and that’s my main reason for not wanting to drag you down by being seen with me,” he said.

“What if I don’t care?”

“Then someone who does care needs to stop you.”

“All right,” she said. “How about we take the horses out back for a quick ride together instead?”

He grinned. “I guess there’s no harm in that. And, if it’s another race you want, this time I won’t let you win.”

“You let me win the last time?”

“Only because I was watching to make sure you and Lucky were compatible.”

“Oh, we are. I just love him,” she said. “There’s only one problem with him.”

Jonas looked concerned. “What's that?”

“He won’t come when I whistle.”

“He won’t?” Jonas scratched his head. “I don’t know why not.”

“Maybe because I never learned to whistle.” She laughed.

He gave her one of his loud laughs that she loved.

Side by side, they trotted to the fields behind the house. Jonas had chosen an appaloosa to ride.

“How about we race to that tree again?” she asked.

“On three, you count,” he said.

“One, two, three!” She nudged Lucky with her body, and he took off like lightning. She held on tightly and enjoyed the run. It felt exhilarating. She could feel and hear rather than see Jonas almost abreast of her. She nudged Lucky, “C’mon, boy, we need to go faster.”

Jonas pulled up alongside her. He didn’t pass her, though she knew he could. His horse was bigger and much faster. Instead, he stayed at her side, making sure the race was a tie by the time they'd reached the tree.

“You could have beat me,” she said.

“Possibly.” He grinned. “But maybe my horse has a crush on your horse and didn't want to pull away from him.”

“Your horse is a female?” she asked.

“Yep.” He laughed. “I could have picked one of my stallions, and you’d still be trying to catch up.”

“Thanks for that.” She laughed.

“Who taught you to ride?” he asked. “You’re an excellent rider.”

“I was fortunate. I grew up in Kansas City, and our neighbor ran one of the local liveries there. Flo, his wife, taught me to ride when I was about Zoe’s age. She used to ride horses in shows, and she even competed in harness racing. Flo was in her sixties when we moved to Leavenworth. I never saw a greater horsewoman. I hear she’s still riding and racing.”

“I never saw anyone with such poise on a horse as you. The first time I saw you ride, I thought how great it would be to have you ride my horses at the auctions and at horse shows. I’d sell them all at a much better price!” He grinned.

“I would do that!” she said, excited to be a part of anything in his life.

“Again, not a good idea, Ivy. I’ll be paying for my mistakes for a long, long, time.”

“Let’s walk the horses back so we can talk,” Ivy said. She needed to somehow talk him out of his self-punishment. Though his sins were forgiven, he still felt them as if they were a heavy burden he carried on his back. It wasn’t right for him to live like that. She resolved to make it her mission to help him get over it—and she’d enjoy every moment of it.

As they trudged along the field leading their horses, Ivy tried to think of a way to persuade Jonas to stop blaming himself for his past.

“Jonas,” she began, “you go to church, so surely you realize that God has forgiven you. Why can’t you forgive yourself?”

Jonas took so long to answer that Ivy thought he wouldn't reply. Finally, he sighed, and said, “I know I’m forgiven for the things that I’ve changed. I no longer go to saloons or fornicate, so I’m past that guilt. I just find it hard to forgive myself for the things I can’t change.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“Like for ignoring Minnie for the whole time we were married. I couldn’t forgive her for picking me out as the father of her child, when every male in town could have been named. I couldn’t get over that at eighteen years old, she’d ruined my life. Her last days on earth must have been unhappy ones, and I feel badly for that.”

“Sounds to me as though she made her own life choices, Jonas. I would have reacted in the same way in your place.”

“That’s just it. Her mother wasn’t any better than she was, so how could Minnie grow up any different? I should have seen that, and forgiven her for living the only life she knew how to live.” He sighed. “I’m thankful that I’ve saved Zoe from having a similar life if she’d stayed with Beulah.”

“That
is
a good thing,” Ivy said. “I still think you’re being too hard on yourself. You're saying you believe you’re forgiven because you’ve atoned for your sins, but with God, that isn’t necessary. All you have to do is ask and he forgives.”

Jonas shook his head. “But after you’re sorry, you make sure you never do those things again. And I have, but there's no way I can change how I treated Minnie.”

“But if she were here you’d act differently toward her, and God knows that,” she said.

Ivy sighed. “If I were you, I’d go into town and dare anyone to say anything. If they do—it will be over with, and you can stop avoiding peop—”

One minute Ivy was walking along beside Jonas, and the next she was on the ground holding her ankle.

“Ivy!” Jonas bent down, “Are you all right?”

“I stepped in a hole or something,” she said.

He knelt down beside her. “It’s probably some type of critter hole. Let me help you up.”

Jonas took both of her hands and tried to pull her up, but was unable to put any weight on her ankle, and she plopped back down.

“Wait, Jonas,” she said. “Let me sit here a moment, and then maybe I can help you more.”

“I think I should try lifting you by the waist. Would that be all right?” he asked. “It puts too much pressure on your ankle if I just pull your arms.”

“Yes, good idea,” she said, through her pain. She knew she hadn’t fallen on purpose, but it surely worked out well when it came to spending quality time with him. She just wished it wasn’t so painful.

Jonas reached down, grabbed her waist gingerly, and pulled her up. The feel of his warm hands on her waist made her momentarily forget the pain in her ankle. She put all of her weight on her right foot, but had to lean heavily on Jonas’s hip. His hand quickly transferred from her waist to around her shoulders to help her stay balanced.