Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (11 page)

             
“So this is how you chose to tell me? In front of everyone? How could you do this to me Noah?”

             
Noah watched the tears that had been so close materialize before turning back to Matt. “Matt, can you excuse us for a minute?”

             
I barely waited until Matt was out of earshot before confronting Noah again.

             
“Why would you agree to take this assignment in the first place now? Adam’s been after you for years to do this and you’ve always refused before. Why now? And why wouldn’t you talk this over with me first before taking an assignment that will keep you from me. I’m your wife for God’s sake. Don’t you even care?” It was then that it finally hit me and I forced the words out. “You aren’t coming back, are you?”

             
“Cameron, don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I’m coming back. Look, this is for the best. This will give us time apart. You know as well as I do, that things have been...strained between us lately.” He saw a single tear fall and tried to comfort me by pulling me into his arms. I stepped away. “Cameron I am coming back. When I do we’ll talk about this. Maybe.”

             
Even before his eyes met mine, I knew the truth. I’d never see Noah again. I wanted to cry, which upset me all the more. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I was supposed to be heartless, unemotional. I was tough. I wasn’t supposed to show weakness.

             
I turned and walked to the door.

             
“You know what Noah, do whatever you want, I no longer care. I don’t care if you ever come back.”

             
“Cameron.” he called after me but even though I heard the despair in his voice, I never turned back. I couldn’t. I was crying too hard and I couldn’t let Noah see those tears. I wasn’t supposed to care this much.

             
When I got back to my apartment that night I found I’d lost the will to go back out on the streets to search for my brother. I felt sad...broken. Alone. It felt as if someone had kicked me in the gut. And there was no one to share that pain with anymore.

             
I was still crying on my sofa when the knock sounded on my door.

             
The sight of Noah standing before me made me cry all the more. I didn’t understand any of these emotions but I couldn’t deny them especially not to myself.

             
The second Noah closed the door and we stood facing each other I knew what was going to happen and I wanted it. I needed it to end this way.

             
Noah lifted me up into his arms and carried me to my bedroom without saying a single word. But then no words were necessary. We both knew this was goodbye.

CHAPTER FIVE

              When I awoke the following morning, I was alone in bed. Noah was gone. I knew even before I called the shop and got his answering machine that he’d left on assignment already.

             
In the reality of this day, some things no longer had an importance in my life. It’s funny how losing someone from your life changes your prospective.

             
I spent the rest of the day wandering aimlessly through the streets of Washington, feeling more alone than I could ever remember feeling in my entire life. Even after my parents death I still had Noah. Now I was alone.

             
I’m sure I was a sight to see that day. I mean I’d barely managed a shower certainly hadn’t bothered with unnecessary things like makeup or trying to put some order in my curls. I was a wreck of human being and I looked it.

             
I caught the shocked expression on several faces as they passed me by that day but it didn’t faze me. I only wanted to walk until I didn’t feel this sadness inside of me anymore. I wanted to be numb.

             
As hard and as far as I walked I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d just thrown away my only chance at happiness. I’d let Noah go chasing after what? A brother that hadn’t been part of my life for years. A man that quite possibly could be responsible for thousands of deaths and countless future suffering?

             
Long before Noah had decided to leave me I’d given up on us. And I’d let him believe I didn’t need him or anyone else in my life but nothing could be further from the truth. I needed him now more than ever before. I needed to share all the doubts that were going on inside of me with him. It was too late for that. Noah had tried to get through to me but all I’d done was push him away until there was no reason left for him to stay. I’d become as cold and as unfeeling as I’d tried to convince myself I was. I didn’t need anyone. I only needed me.

             
Suddenly the one thing that had kept me going as of late didn’t hold the same appeal as before. The thought of going back out into the night to find my brother, understand the reasons for his disappearance didn’t seem to matter anymore. Even if I learned the truth of my parent’s death would that really change anything? They were gone. I couldn’t bring them back.

             
Now, I’d lost the only person that had meant anything to me. The man that was the father of my child. The man I hadn’t told that truth to. I knew even if Noah chose to come home, it wouldn’t be to me.

             
I clung to the only thing that I had left. That I’d soon find out the truth about my brother and my parents. That was the only thing that mattered to me anymore. I knew that I would do whatever it took not to lose my brother again and get him out of trouble before it cost him his life. I didn’t care if it came at the cost of The Organization or not. None of that mattered anymore.

             
I was just getting prepared for another long night of searching when I got the call from Matt. He was calling an emergency meeting that night because he felt something was about to happen very soon. Possibly in the next few days. I wondered if I’d kept my secrets too long.

             
“Does it have to be tonight? I mean I have plans Matt.” I’m sure that sounded about as ungrateful as a spoiled child, but I couldn’t seem to stop those words. I was a woman on a mission. It just happened my mission wasn’t the same as The Organization anymore.

             
“Yes Cameron, it has to be tonight. This is important.” I could tell he wanted to say something along the lines of, ‘you’re already going out and Noah hasn’t been gone one day yet’.

             
“With Noah gone we’re already short a man. That means the rest of us will have to take up the slack. I need you there tonight.”

             
At the thought of Noah, I tried not to fall apart. I found that I needed to talk to the man that had been his best friend for years.

             
“He’s really gone isn’t he Matt? I can’t believe it. Are you sure?”

             
“Yes...” Matt told me reluctantly as if by doing so he was betraying Noah’s confidence in some way.

             
“He didn’t want you to tell me that, did he?”

             
“No. He thought it best to just leave things the way they were between you.”

             
“I can’t stand this, Matt. I can’t stand the thought of losing him. I never thought I’d feel this way. I miss him.”

             
“Cameron, for crying out loud. Why now? Why do you choose to say this now and to me when for as long as I’ve known about you two, you’ve treated Noah and nothing but a side note in your life? Do you know how much you hurt him?”

             
“No. Matt no, please, don’t say that. I never meant to hurt Noah. I love him.”

             
“Well, it’s a little too late for that, isn’t it?”

             
“What do you mean?”

             
“Nothing. Nothing, just forget I said anything.” Matt added but I’d figured it out.

             
“He’s not coming back is he, Matt.”

             
“Why should he? What’s waiting for him here?”

             
I literally flinched at those words as if he’d struck me but I found that I needed to talk about Noah even with someone that clearly blamed me for our failed relationship.

             
“He’s going back to working internationally? But what about the shop?” I asked ridiculously. Of all things, that Noah would be concerned about the shop would be the last. But I was fighting against the tears that were close.

             
“I’m going to keep it going until he decides.”

             
“He’s never coming back is he?” I said the words again but I still couldn’t believe them.

             
I took Matt’s silence for my answer. Matt just didn’t want to say those words.

             
“What happens to The Organization now? Will we still stay together as a team? This was Noah’s life. His creation. No offense, Matt but Noah was the glue that kept us all together. We aren’t exactly the types to get along, as you well know.”

             
“No, you’re right. We don’t really have a choice now do we? No one leaves The Organization. We’ve made a commitment to it. We’re in for life. But I’ve talked to Adam and we need to get someone in as quickly as possible--another recruit although replacing Noah will be all but impossible. Maybe that girl who roughed up those guys the other night is available? She sounds like she might fit right in.”

             
I knew that Matt was only trying to lighten the mood between us, but I didn’t really know what to say. How could I tell him that he already had that girl? I was afraid no one would believe me even if I did come clean.

              “What’s up with you? You finally realize what a mistake you made letting Noah go after all?” Gina asked me smugly when I was the last one at the meeting.

             
I knew that I looked like hell—I certainly didn’t need Gina to point that out to me. After all, it was all there on my face. The long sleepless nights of searching for answers and gaining nothing. And then there were the useless tears I’d cried since Noah’s departure.

             
“That’s not really any of your business,” I told her trying my best to sound civilized but I didn’t quite pull it off.

             
“Well, what did you really expect, Cameron.” I didn’t miss Gina’s smug smile. I’m sure she was only too happy to hear the news of Noah and my demise.

             
Any other time I would have argued that point. Tonight with Noah’s loss still weighing heavy on me I let Gina’s last remark slide. I’m sure that was as surprising to her as it was to me.  

             
Noah had been the only thing keeping peace between us for some time now. I was afraid that poor old Matt would never stand a chance with two strong females that he had no idea how to deal with.

             
I noticed that Gina had managed to move her chair a little closer to Matt. She was making her next move. She hadn’t been able to make it with Noah but she wasn’t going to lose out to me with Matt.

             
“Gina, drop it, will you. Cameron’s been through enough. Look, people let’s just concentrate on the job before us now. I know that Noah’s leaving has left us all feeling out of sorts. We need to focus. Noah would want that. After all, The Organization was his creation. He’d want it to continue to be successful. Okay, the reason I called you all together tonight is we need to go over some disturbing intelligence I’ve just found out about today. And,” he added a little more reluctantly his gaze barely reaching mine. “We have to decide what we want to do about replacing Noah.”

             
“What are you talking about? I thought this was only temporary. Noah’s coming back after his assignment ends, isn’t he? Wait, just exactly how long is he going to be gone?” Shane asked not at all pleased with this new turn of events. You see I think Shane thought since he was a field agent and Matt was, well Matt was a brainy guy, that he should have received the command. Shane always imagined himself just a little bit more competent that he actually was.

             
“We won’t know for sure, but Adam has authorized me, in Noah’s absence, to take over the control of The Organization and to look for someone to fill in. He has a couple of candidates in mind and I’ll be interviewing them later in the week. I think it’s important in the light of all the new intelligence we’re uncovering. We need someone who can fit in with our group and help with our already strained workload.”

             
“Shane, just shut up and listen to the boss. Matt knows what he saying. And besides daddy put him in charge so that’s the way it’s going to be.” Gina threw poor Matt her best come hither look that seemed to have the opposite effect on him. If anything Matt was more confused by her change in attitude towards him. Up until now, Gina hadn’t really had much to say to Matt except to basically make fun of him. I watched with only a small amount of amusement as Matt inched his chair a little further from Gina.