Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (23 page)

             
“I thought you already knew? Isn’t that how you tracked me down? You always were too good at detective stuff.”

             
“Yes. Noah, why didn’t you come back to D.C. Was it because of me or the job?”

             
“No, Cameron it wasn’t because of you. I couldn’t come back. I was in the hospital for weeks, then there were the countless operations. It wasn’t possible. And as far as the job goes, well Adam knew where I was.”

             
“Why didn’t you get word to me Noah? Why shut me out completely like that?”

             
“I thought I was doing what you wanted? I thought you’d be better off without me complicating your new life.”

             
“Oh Noah, that wasn’t the case. I needed you...” I didn’t finish those words. I didn’t want to go there right now. Noah and I were already on very shaky ground. I didn’t understand why he had come here when he’d made it obvious to me that he resented me and my friendship with Davis. I didn’t know if we could ever get beyond those obstacles but I feared that Noah would never accept our baby as his.

             
I wanted to cry. I wanted to beg him to believe me but in his eyes I saw the truth. Noah would never believe me. He would never accept me in his life again as his wife. He’d come here because he believed I was in trouble. And he was staying now simply because of our past. He’d leave me once the baby was born and I’d never see him again.

             
It was hard to be close to him now and not remember everything that we’d once meant to each other. All the seemingly insignificant moments that’s we’d shared together when I was too stubborn and self absorbed to realize what I had.

             
I said goodnight very early that night. For some reason even though I’d begged him to come to me I couldn’t stand to be close to him and not have it be the way it was in the past. It was almost painful.

             
I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I found myself waking up frightened and shivering crying while painful memories went round in my head. Images of Noah and of Davis. Each time it was as if Davis were trying to tell me something that was just beyond my understanding.

             
When sleep just wouldn’t come again I quietly went downstairs and forced myself to face the truth. I was no more read be a mother now than when I first found out I was pregnant. I was only fooling myself if I thought I could go through with this.

             
I dug through the stacks of information my doctor had first gave me and found the brochure about adoption. I read through the information for an adoption agency and wondered if this wasn’t time for me to think about what was best for my child.

             
I couldn’t raise a child alone. That much was evident. But I wasn’t sure I had the strength to give up my one last connection to Noah.

             
I was still standing there by my great room fire when Noah found me.

             
For the longest time I wasn’t aware of him standing in the doorway until he came close to me.

             
“What’s wrong?” he asked me quietly and I tried to hide the evidence of my tears.

             
“Nothing. I just couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”

             
I heard his frustration as he sighed just before he pulled me back against his body.

             
“What’s wrong, Cameron?” He turned me to face him when I didn’t answer.

             
In my hand I still held the piece of information about the adoption and Noah took in from me.

             
“What’s this?” he asked after he’d read through the page.

             
“Nothing...”

             
“You’re thinking about giving the baby up?” He searched my face.

             
I could only nod. I couldn’t find the words to tell him the truth.

             
“Why? I thought you wanted this child? I thought, well I thought you were excited.”

             
I pulled away from him before he saw the truth. Until now. Until tonight I’d still held out hope that Noah would return and realize that I was having his child and everything would be all right. Until tonight when he’d destroyed that fantasy for good. Now I realized I could never do it alone. I loved my child and I knew deep in my heart that it was Noah’s but I couldn’t’ face raising a child alone. I had to do what was best for my baby.

             
“I can’t do it, Noah. I just can’t do this alone. I was so sure...I wanted to be the best mother ever but what do I have to offer a child alone? Maybe this is for the best after all? I can’t do it.”

             
“Cameron...”

             
I think that somehow Noah believed this was some ploy on my part to get him back. I could hear all those things in his voice.

             
“You were right, Noah. You should go. I shouldn’t have asked you here. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay. This isn’t your concern anymore--I’m not your concern. I’m sorry that I brought you here. I should have realized it was over for us but I guess I just wasn’t ready to face that.”

             
He came to me again and brought me back into his arms. “Cameron.” I could hear the frustration edged with other emotions that I wanted to believe was still love. “Don’t cry Cameron. Please don’t cry. Look we’ll figure this out together.”

             
“No.” I pulled away from him with as much dignity as I could manage. I started up the stairs to my room. “No Noah, I really think its best if you just left. Please, it will be easier for me that way. Please just leave.”

             
I walked away from him and closed the door before slowly sinking down to the floor. Deep in my heart I guess I’d known the truth all along but having the distance between us made me want to believe it could be different. I knew the hard side of the world we lived in. There were no fairy tales in my world and certainly no happily ever afters. I’d only been kidding myself. Noah had told me the truth as plainly as he could. There was nothing left for me to do now except what was best for my child.

             
I heard my door open softly and felt him lift me up into his arms.

             
“Don’t, Noah. Please don’t.”

             
“Shh,” he told me before picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the bed. “It’s not over between us Cameron, no matter how much I wanted to believe it is. It’s not over Cameron.”

             
That night, Noah touched me the way only he could. Reaching parts of my being that had missed his closeness more than anything else in my cold isolated world. And when I lay in his arms I found I was still crying, because I knew this was only temporary.

             
“I’ve thought of nothing else but being with you again since I left Washington. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to walk away from you? Do you Cameron?” Noah leaned over searching my face.

             
“I don’t believe you, Noah. You never looked back--not once. You started over and you never even thought about me. You never tried to contact me. You never tried to see how I was doing, and even now, when I need you to believe me you reject me.”

             
“I don’t want to talk about the baby. I can’t do that yet. It’s hard enough knowing that you’ve been with another man. But it makes me want to kill you knowing that you’ve been with him.

             
“It wasn’t like that, Noah.”

             
“I don’t want to talk about it. But I don’t want to walk away from you either. We’ll figure the rest of it out, I promise. We’ll work it out Cameron. I don’t want you to give up your baby.”

             
“Our baby. It’s our baby, Noah. Why won’t you believe me?” I turned away from him then and heard his heavy sigh and then he was pulling me back into the warmth of his arms comforting me as only Noah could do.

             
I drifted off to sleep with the sound of his voice reassuring me that we would work things out together. But he never mentioned the baby, and I couldn’t accept anything he said as real.

*****

              When I awoke the following morning, it was late. The room around me felt so warm and comforting that it took me a few minutes to remember what had happened the day before.

             
I heard the sound of Bo barking in the distance and the distinctively familiar voice of my husband. He was still with me. Noah was still here. That had to mean something. I could only pray that the things that Noah had said to me last night really meant that he still cared for me.

             
I took my time getting dressed that morning because at almost seven months pregnant I felt awkward in my own skin. Clumsy. It was hard doing even the simplest of tasks like dressing. Putting on shoes was another story completely.

             
Once I’d managed those chores, I faced my reflection in the mirror and decided it didn’t matter what I wore I still looked terrible.

             
It was in that frame of mind, feeling more depressed than even and pretty much discouraged about my future that I made my way down the stairs to find Noah standing in my kitchen making breakfast.

             
“Hi.” He turned when he heard me enter the room to look at me with that solemn look of his that never gave anything away. I didn’t know what he was feeling.

             
I didn’t know if we were right back to where we started from or if we were anything at all but over and I turned and walked away from him without a word before he knowing me the way that he did could spot my tears and my depression.

             
“Cameron.” His voice full of frustration before coming after me. “Cameron, don’t. I told you I wouldn’t walk away from you again. Don’t you believe me?”

             
I couldn’t tell him the truth. I didn’t believe him. I believed that once my child was born, Noah would leave me again. This time for good. I could only shake my head.

             
“Cameron, you have to trust me. If we’re going to make this between us you have to trust me. I promise, I’m not leaving you.”

             
I pulled away from him trying to find that strong self-assured girl that he’d married all those years ago. Over the past few months, since becoming pregnant I barely recognized myself anymore. I was always close to tears, my emotions were all over the board. I felt vulnerable and frightened most of the time. The old Cameron would have had a field day with this new girl.

             
“Look, baby, we’ll work this all out,” he said gesturing toward the baby that I carried and I knew exactly what he meant. He’d try to accept my child.

             
“I don’t want to work things out!  I want you to feel the way that you did about me when you married me. I want you to believe me when I tell you this is your child. I want...oh what does it matter anymore. It’s not the same is it? You’ll never be able to do any of those things. Maybe you were right in leaving me like you did Noah. I know that I treated you badly, but I do love you and I don’t want to lose you. But I am pregnant and I can’t make you believe that this child is yours.”

             
I pushed him away and faced him again. “I know how it looks to you Noah, but I also know what is the truth. There was never anything between Davis and me. And I don’t care what you think he felt for me. Davis wasn’t you, Noah. And I can’t accept that you believe those things about me. So just go, do whatever you have to do. I won’t keep you here any longer.”

             
When I would have walked away from him and from everything that I desperately wanted to hold onto, Noah wouldn’t let me.

             
“You’re not running away this time, Cameron. You’re good at giving up when things get tough, but I won’t let you this time. Whatever happens to us it won’t end because of me. I’m willing to stay and work through our problems together. The question is are you?”

             
When I tried to find the words to tell him all the reasons why it wouldn’t, work Noah stopped me.

             
“I’m not saying I believe everything you’ve told me. I’m not ready to accept that this child is mine completely. But I do know that I care about you, I love you, Cameron, and I want to work this out. But you’re going to have to help me out with this one. Because right now I still want to tear that child from your body. The thought of another man touching you kills me.” Noah stopped and took a deep breath.

             
“But I’ll try and get through the anger and resentment. I’ll try to believe you. But you have to do your part too. You have to accept the fact that there are going to be difficult times ahead for us. If you really love me the way that you say you do, then you’ll give it all that you’ve got as well.”