Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (22 page)

             
“Yes, I knew...”

             
Noah‘s anger returned again as he imagined Davis with me. “I want to know how it happened? How did you get involved with him?”

             
“I’m not involved with him Noah!  At least not the way that you mean. Davis never touched me. He wanted to, but I couldn’t. You are still my husband even though I have no idea why I should feel guilty because you left me!  You let me think that you were dead!  And what about you, Noah? What have you been up to? And how do you know Davis? How involved in the Red Jihad are you?” I asked and saw his eyes slide away from mine for the first time. Noah was hiding something and that sent chills through me.

             
“I told you. I’m not going to discuss that with you Cameron. I can’t, so just drop it.” He began to get dressed.

             
“Why not? If you’re so squeaky clean why can’t you be honest with me? Seems I’m not the only one keeping secrets here,” I told him and saw his anger flash for a moment and then he smiled. That smile told me he wasn’t fooled by my little tactics one little bit.

             
“You think I’m in with the enemy? You pull your weapon on me and yet you let me make love to you like that? What does that say about you?”

             
I couldn’t tell him how much those words hurt to here. I didn’t want him to know just how close to falling apart I truly was at that moment.

             
“Why didn’t you try to reach me Noah? Surely, you could have gotten word to me somehow? Do you have any idea how it felt believing you were dead? Believing you were lost forever. I thought I would go out of my mind Noah. I never believed it possible to get over this pain. And whether or not you want to accept it or not this is your child.”

             
“Oh please. I know he stayed here with you for weeks. I know you saw him in D.C. You expect me to believe in all that time knowing how lonely you were and how attracted Davis was to you that nothing happened between you two?”

             
I turned to him then believing that no matter what I said I’d never convince Noah I was telling the truth.

             
“How did you find out about Judah, Noah?”

             
“Cameron, did you really think I wouldn’t know what you were up to? How do you think the Bureau never found out about your connection to Judah? Of course I knew. You’d better tell me everything you know about this Cameron. And you’d better be honest with me this time.”

             
“He found me Noah. It started out with Judah leaving messages on my phone a few weeks before you left. And then I would run into him but always on those occasions Davis would appear later. Never at the same time. Always later but always after I spoke to Judah. Noah, you remember I told he went missing when I was still young...” Noah was the only member of the team that knew about my brother’s disappearance.

             
“I remember...you’re parents thought they had found him in North Carolina.” Noah asked angrily.

             
“Yes...I don’t know what really happened then but somehow Judah got involved in the Red Jihad. Whether or not he was brainwashed or joined on his own free will I don’t know.”

             
“I doesn’t really matter how, does it Cameron? He’s responsible for all the things he’s accused of. And you let him simply slip through your fingers. You let him play you,” he added quietly.

             
“That’s not true Noah. I don’t think Judah is the leader of the Red Jihad not for a minute. It’s not in him. I think someone else is who wants us to believe its Judah. I needed time to try to find out who. Noah, he’s my brother Noah. I had to find out the truth for my parent’s sake.”

             
“So you’ve decided you couldn’t trust me to help you? Why didn’t you tell me about this?” He got out of bed and reached for his clothes.

             
“Because I was afraid. Can’t you understand that? I was going to tell you but then you left on assignment. And then...Noah, where are you going?”

             
“Where do you think--I‘m leaving? I can’t stay. Are you crazy? You have any idea how bad this is?”

             
“I couldn’t tell you. I was afraid that you would take him in.”

             
“I would have. I wouldn’t have had a choice in it. And I don’t have one now. I have an obligation to the Bureau to let them know about what you’ve been up to Cameron.”

             
“No, Noah you can’t.” I was out of bed and reaching for him pleading for my brother‘s safety.

             
“You really think they won’t find out all the things you’ve done? The things we’ve both kept from them. What side are you on here anyway? It seems to me that you haven’t decided that one after all. I thought...because of your parents.”

             
“Stop it.” I said and pulled away from him. “I loved my parents, Noah. You know that. But Judah is my brother. What am I supposed to do?”

             
“I don’t know.” He sad quietly before coming to me and pulled me into his arms.

             
“All right I won’t say anything for the time being unless it becomes an issue, which I’m sure it will. But that’s the best I can promise you. Now, I think you’d better tell me everything.”

             
It was hard tell Noah about all the mistakes I’d made and all the allegiances I’d violated by pursuing the course that I’d been hell bent on taking.

             
“Cameron, I can’t believe I’m hearing this? From you of all people? You have any idea how much you’ve compromised The Organization not to mention the Bureau by what you’ve done? You realize you could be locked away in a federal prison for this. I shouldn’t even be here with you now.”

             
Noah began to prowl my bedroom searching for the rest of his clothes. Knew in a moment he would be gone. Lost to me forever.

             
“Noah, please don’t go. I know I should have told you about Judah, but I’m telling you now.” When he didn’t appear to be listening I tried one last thing. Noah, the baby is yours. You have to believe me.” He walked out of my bedroom and downstairs to the door before turning to face me again.

             
“Don’t bother Cameron, because I don’t believe you.” At the sight of my tears I saw Noah let go of some of his anger.

             
“I can’t stay with you, Cameron.” He insisted, taking a step closer to me.

             
“Noah--please. I can‘t lose you again.” I said taking another step closer to him.

             
We reached each other at the same time and he took me in his arms and held me close to him.

             
“I’ll stay until its born—just to make sure you’re okay. But I won’t touch you again. I won’t be here as your husband. I’ll stay in the guestroom until it’s born. But I’m only staying because of our past. Because of what we once meant to each other. That’s all.”

             
“I don’t have a guestroom Noah. It’s the baby’s room.”

             
“Then I guess I’ll sleep on the couch, won’t I?” he told me but still didn’t let me go. Noah held me close and I knew that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. But he wasn’t going to give to that need again.

             
“When is the baby due?” he asked and at last found the will to put me away from him.

             
“In four months. You really mean it. You’ll stay with me till then?”

             
“Yes,” I almost believed that Noah regretted that offer the second he looked into my eyes and saw my happiness. “But the only reason I’m doing this Cameron is because of our history together. I did care about you, you know. I loved you. But what you’ve done is unforgivable. I can ever forgive and I certainly could never forget that you’ve been touched by him. It goes against everything that I’ve worked and believed in for years. And I can’t protect you from the consequences of your actions when this gets out. And it will. There’s no way around it. You’ve betrayed everyone. You were one of us and you’ve switched sides. You’ve become a traitor.”

             
“That’s not true. I’m not a traitor, Noah.”

             
But Noah was no longer listening to what I said. He walked out the door and I followed him outside and held my breath until he came back to me carrying an overnight bag.

             
When Bo decided it was safe to come back, he sniffed around Noah who finally gave in to his love of dogs, even my dog and petted the animal.

             
“So is there any place around these parts that I can buy some new clothes? I don’t think what’s in here will do for long,” Noah said holding up his overnight case before smiling at me for the first time since walking into my home hours earlier.

             
“If you don’t mind wearing flannel and jeans?” I told him returning his smile. “We could go into town if you’d like?”

             
“I think it can wait until tomorrow. Are you up to traveling?” he asked me tentatively his eyes going to my stomach making me that much more aware of the barrier that stood between us.

             
“Yes, I’m fine. The doctor’s says I’m doing just fine. Everything is okay...” I stopped when I realized just how ridiculous Noah considered my words. “I mean…”

             
“I know what you mean Cameron, but let’s just drop it for now. I’m exhausted,” he said and looked slightly embarrassed. For the first time we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to get beyond this awkward silence. We weren’t supposed to be lovers but we weren’t simply friends either.

             
“Why don’t you take my room, Noah? I can sleep here or in my office. There’s a couch in there. I’ll be fine.”

             
“No, you should take the bed...I can sleep on the couch. What exactly do you do in your office? I know you have money from your parents but I can’t see you simply sitting around doing nothing with your time. How do you keep busy?”

             
I showed Noah to my small office, which was tiny, but sufficient for my needs.

             
“I’ve set up my own website for women caught in difficult situations.” I saw him look at me curiously and added. “I’ve learned a lot from you Noah. I was paying attention during all those times when you were showing me how to set up a website, you know?”

             
“Its good to know you learned something from me after all.”

             
After I brought him fresh towels, I left Noah alone to try and get settled into my office and I went to the kitchen and wondered what exactly we were going to eat.

             
I was never much of a cook myself. When we were together, Noah did most of the cooking. Since moving to the mountains I’d had high hopes. I planned to start concentrating on improving my cooking skills. After all I was about to become a mother. I certainly needed to learn how to cook for my child. On a whim I’d bought tons of staples, stocked up on everything I could think of, but for the most part I ate simple things that involved little or no work beyond opening a soup can. So much for good intentions.

             
I was still standing in front of my pantry staring at the boxes and cans of food there when Noah found me.

             
“Why don’t you let me take it from here, okay?”

             
I sat watching him prepare a beautiful meal out of all those boxes and cans, as always, amazed by Noah’s creativity. It almost felt like old times.

             
“Some things never change, do they Cameron?” he told me and smiled at my embarrassment.

             
“Yes, I guess your right. I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of cooking. My poor son will have to learn to cook for himself.”

             
At the mention of the child, Noah’s expression sobered.

             
“Your son. I still can’t get used to the fact of you having a baby. How do you know it’s going to be a boy?” he asked holding my gaze just long enough for me to see the hope in those beautiful eyes.”

             
“I don’t know, I just do. I know I’m going to have a son.”     

             
We ate in silence for such a long time that I finally forced myself to ask him what he’d been up to since leaving Washington.

             
“Working believe it or not.” At my skeptical look Noah smiled. “It’s true. Oh not selling computers or anything like that but I am designing websites and I have managed to land several pretty large contracts. It pays the bills.”

             
“Where are you staying, Noah...I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”