Shampoo (50 page)

Except my love life.

Monday 18 December
2000

10.58am

Matt’s rung this morning. He’s so
SWEET. He’s making me fall, cause he’s just so darn perfect. He
says and does all the right things.

First up, he asks me how I’m
feeling. It’s always about me, he’s always caring about
me.

(oh God, that reminds me how he
was looking at me all night Saturday night. Like he cares! I’m not
familiar with that look)

I’m not stupid. I know Matt’s a
catch.

It’s just that stupid Everard in
the back of my head.

And other things.

(love never lasts, me destroyed
and devastated, abusive men)

(oh God, my
21
^st
, all
that blood, blood everywhere, blood all over me, all over him, all
over my car)

Then Matt told me his mates have
asked him to go away for a few days.

“
Cool,” I replied.
“Where to?”

“
Down to Warwick. I’ve
wanted to go for ages, but…” He trailed off.

“
But what?”

“
I don’t want to leave
you! Especially when you’re

sick – ”

Could I fall any harder than I did
just then?? That is the sweetest

(ie. hottest)

damn thing I’ve ever
heard.

“
Matt, go! Please don’t
worry about me. I need the rest, anyway.”

“
Are you
sure?”

“
Without a doubt. Go
have fun! The way I’m feeling, all I want to do is sleep
anyway.”

“
I could be there,
sleeping with you.”

Oh God. He could. “I’ll still be
here when you get back.”

Matt laughed. “You better
be.”

“
Go. Have
fun.”

I make a SUPER girlfriend. I don’t
know what Everard is talking about.

How sweet was that?? Matt not
wanting to leave me.

Swoon.

Ever would NEVER do that. He’d
just go with his mates, and he wouldn’t call to tell me
goodbye.

I’m falling for Matt.

I need to see Ever, and have him
botch it up royally. I need it slapped in my face that he IS NOT
THE ONE.

I’m glad Matt’s going away. I feel
the pressure off, and I can just relax. Do nothing. Not be thinking
about seeing him, making plans, juggling Evvy, blah blah
blah.

6.21pm

I’ve had a good day. So tired. Not
feeling well. Nat and I went to Richard’s today, picked him up and
we went shopping at Carindale. Then we saw the 2pm session of
‘Charlie’s Angels.’

(Rich is Drew Barrymore’s biggest
fan. He thinks it’s some kind of sign that Drew Barrymore, his
greatest love, is born on the same day as me)

I’ve missed Rich. Haven’t seen him
in AGES.

(as he liked to remind me
today)

Was nice to be with him
again.

Nice to have my sister with us,
too.

8.44pm

Tee brought me round dinner. I
love her!

Ever rang at 5.30pm.

(this is SO his new OCD
time)

He talked for ages to me, just
about stuff.

He asked me over tonight, but I
had Tee coming over

(and Matt Matt Matt)

and I thought that would be it,
typical Evvy, he wouldn’t make plans for another night.

But he said, “Come over tomorrow
night then.”

THEN, get this, he added, “You can
stay over every night this week, since you’re on
holidays.”

What. THE FUCK.

I had a coronary.

What is that about, anyway?? If
I’m at his place every night, I can’t be at Matt’s then?? Or is he
really trying??

I don’t know but I agreed to go
there, AND STAY, tomorrow night.

Then Matt rang from
Warwick.

I can’t see them both. What do I
do??

Tuesday 19 December
2000

9.00pm

I cancelled on Ever. I just
couldn’t do it.

(to Matt)

Plus I’m sick.

I’m lying in bed, making mixed
tapes, enjoying the summer night air coming in the
windows.

Nat and I left early this morning
for the coast. We had so much fun! It’s SOOOOO not like Nat to go
to the beach with me.

(she must be bored!)

Was really quite funny, her on the
beach. She’d only put her feet in, and there I was, being a dick,
jumping through waves and falling over and drowning and yelling
“Help!” while she laughed.

I washed up to shore at one point.
For like a kilometre. On my belly.

Nat was pissing herself laughing.
God I had fun, frolicking in the water with my sister.

The surf was fantastic. I couldn’t
wait to ring Lachie at work and rub it in.

I rang Melinda last night, and
something was up. She sounded SO UPSET, but just kept saying ‘I’m
fine, I’m fine’ whenever I asked her if she was okay. So I had it
in my mind to ring Lach today and ask if Melin was okay.

ANYWAY, MEANWHILE

(I’m working up to something here,
Diary, something BIG),

Julia rings while we’re on the
beach

(on Nat’s mobile, cause everybody
knows I never carry mine anywhere where it’s needed),

really upset and wanting to speak
to me.

She didn’t really say much though,
she was just in tears and said she wanted to hear my
voice.

(AWWWWWWWWW)

When Nat and I got home from the
beach, I rang Lach on his office number in the warehouse, and he
told me him and Melinda have broken up!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse though.

“
That’s not all
though,” he went on, trailing off.

“
There’s more?” I
squeaked. I really was (am) so upset for them. I love Lach and
Melinda. They’re my pals. My buds. I just want to scoop them up and
eat them, I love them so much.

“
Julia and
I…”

JULIA AND I???? My heart stopped.
Julia’s misery and tears but not telling me anything was beginning
to make sense.

“
Julia and I fooled
around on Friday night.”

“
What?
What!!”

Lach did a nervous laugh. “Yeah.
I’m not proud of myself.”
“Oh, Lachster.”

“
I told Mel last night,
and we broke up.”

“
Ugh. I feel for you,
dude.”

“
Thanks, dudette.” Lach
laughed. “I really need my freedom, you know? A break.”

“
I know. You and Melin
have been together a long time…” I was trying to be supportive.
Relationships are hard fucking work. I sure can’t do them
well.

Or at all.

“
Mel is devastated.
Funnily enough, she was more devastated over you, than me cheating
on her.”

“
Me?”

(what’d I do? I thought, along
with a sick notion of he cheated. My perfect guy friend who I adore
acted like a typical male and cheated. He tore love apart with his
bare hands)

“
She’s worried she’ll
lose you, Pinky, and your friendship. That you’ll pick
Julia.”

“
Aw, she’s so silly. No
way! I love Melin. I’ll tell her that, I’ll call her.”

Meanwhile, Julia is my soul
sister.

This is gonna affect us
all.

“
You’re a good friend,
Karina. There’s not many, if ANY, I could talk to about
this.”

“
What? You have HEAPS
of friends, Lach.”

“
Yeah, but none like
you. You’re not judgemental in any way. I fuck up, and you don’t
even blink. You just support.”

(awwww!!!)

“
Hey, we all fuck up.
Me more than most.”

“
Don’t sell yourself
short, Pink Stuff. You’re practically an angel.”

(if only they all knew just how
badly I like to fuck things up)

“
I don’t know about
THAT,” I replied. “But I’ll take it!”

I hung up from Lachie and rang
Melinda. She burst into tears. She was a mess.

I tried to reassure her and give
her comfort, but when you’re that heartbroken, what can you
do??

Then Julia turned up here,
straight after that! And cried all over me.

God, I’m heartbroken for them
all.

Julia walked in, grabbed me, cried
in my arms, and told me about Lach.

“
Why didn’t you tell me
the past few days?”

“
I didn’t want you to
hate me, K! You’re my best friend. I love you! I can’t lose
you.”

Awwww!!

Why is everyone so worried they’re
gonna lose me?? Am I giving off some strange vibe?? Am I about to
be lost?? Am I going somewhere but don’t know it??

I’m dying for details, like where
did they fool around? At Lach’s? Out somewhere? Hot car
sex??

And where was Melinda?

But I’m too polite to
ask.

After talking, Nat, Jules and I
went to Garden City, chatted and laughed and shopped.

I rang Matt tonight but got his
answering machine.

Look at me. Look at what I’ve
become (already). I don’t hear from him for ONE DAY, and I’m
desperate to talk to him.

I’ve got it bad.

It’s like all the bad news of the
day

(one after another, pew pew
pew)

had got to me, and I just wanted
to hear his voice.

He’s so stable and
caring.

Then that scared THE CRAP out of
me, and I got all shaky and started breaking out in
hives.

I DO NOT want to NEED
Matt.

I don’t need Ever…he leaves me
independent and on my own still.

But Matt…Matt leaves me weak and
vulnerable.

I don’t like being weak or
vulnerable, or needing him.

My eye has like closed over, all
swollen, from some reaction. I went out into the lounge room, and
Dan started screaming, “Put it away!! Put it away!!”

Put what away?? My hives?? My
emotional issues?? What??

8.22pm

Matt just rung me. He said he
walked a kilometre through the bush to get to a phone box to call
me, cause his phone went dead.

Oh my God. I was hit anew that he
really cares. Already.

(cue hives again. There you
go)

He was asking how I am (of
course!), and telling me what he’s been up to (sounds fun). Then he
goes, in this ADORABLE husky voice, “I miss you heaps,
hey.”

I found myself easily saying, “I
miss you, too,” then wondering where the fuck that came from and
scratching my neck madly.

So I told him what I’ve been up to
–

“
A lot!” Matt laughed.
“As usual. Hey how is Julia after breaking up with
Michael?”

(I FUCKING LOVE how Matt is
involved in all the gossip of my life, and interested. We share
friends and are sort of in the same ‘group.’ I love
that)

“
Er, yeah, she’s okay…”
I trailed off.

Damn the All-Seeing Matt. He knew
instantly something was up. “What, what is it??”

“
Nothing, nothing –
”

“
Karina, WHAT IS IT?
What happened??”

Sigh by me. I really didn’t want
to tell him over the phone. It’s not really my story to tell,
either. “Lachie and Melin have broken up – ”

“
WHAT!!”

“
Yeah.
And…um…”

“
There’s
MORE??”

“
Yeah. Ah, Lachie
cheated on Melinda – ”

“
Fucking WHAT –
”

“
With
Julia.”

Matt was speechless. “That’s like
the LAST THING I expected you to say.”

“
I know, right? Didn’t
see that one coming.”

“
No WAY. Wait, I’m
gonna ring Lachie. I’ll ring you back.”

He was gone and back again in
moments. “I can’t get him. I’m leaving tomorrow, I’ll come straight
home – ”

“
No, don’t do that,
Matt – ”

(please do that, Matt. I miss you.
In a way I don’t even understand)

“
I’m coming home
anyway. I’ll get to yours about five o’clock.”

And that is when I was hateful. On
purpose? Cause I can’t help it? Cause I’m just determined to
sabotage every relationship I will ever have??