Shampoo (57 page)

“
I’m self-destructive,
Matt.”

“
Long as you’re only
self-destructive with me. And no other guy.”

“
I’m freaking at this.
At commitment!”

Matt groaned. “You say that, but
you’ve cuddled closer to me as you say it! Your body is telling
you, and me, what it wants. And it’s not this other guy. It’s
me.”

“
I’ve avoided the other
guy since…”

“
Since?”

(I fucked him last)

“
Since you.”

Matt was silent, running his
fingers through my hair.

“
I’m not ready, Matt –
”

H
e burst out laughing. “You’re doing it again!”

“
Doing
what?”

“
Saying one thing, but
your body is doing another. You just ran you leg up my
thigh.”

“
I did?”

“
FUCK. It turns me
on.”

I went to pull away, but he only
pulled me back against him and held me tighter. “Your tough guy
routine is really getting me going,” I murmured.

“
Is it?” he asked
huskily.

“
God yeah. I love how
you take over me. And I’m terrified at the same time.”

We listened to the campgrounds for
a bit, staring at our hands entwined. We heard Julia and Andrew
laugh. “You know what I’d like to do?”

“
Stop global warming?
Write a book?”

“
No,” he growled. He
trailed a hand down my face, and tipped my chin up so I’d see those
intense eyes of his. “I’d like to take you home every night, and
fuck you over and over, till all you can think about is me, and all
these other pricks are forgotten.”

Cue the whimpering by me. “They’re
already forgotten.”

“
They are?”

“
All I can think about
is you. All I WANT is you – ”

Matt suddenly rolled me onto my
back, and was all over me, kissing me, hands in my hair, running
his hands all over me. “How about I just fuck you now
then?”

“
Oh God – ”

“
I can’t control myself
any more, Karina,” he groaned. “If you don’t want me to fuck you
for hours, you better get up and leave this tent now.”

I tried to untangle myself from
him and get up, but Matt caught me round the waist and threw me
gently back down on the mattress. I squealed.

“
Over my dead body am I
letting you out of here.” He was on top of me, all over me,
overwhelming me again. “You let this other fucktard have you! Why
won’t you let me?”

“
Because!” I suddenly
cried, trying to escape his clutches again.

(I really didn’t want to
escape)

“
Because why?” He was
kissing me again, wrapping me in his arms.

“
Because…GROAN…he
doesn’t make me feel like this!”

“
Feel like what?” He
kissed me wildly some more. “Feel like WHAT, Karina?” He stopped
kissing me and held my head, piercing me with those sapphire eyes
of his.

“
Fucking LOVED. Messy.
EXPOSED.”

Matt’s eyes softened, and he
crushed his mouth against mine. “I love you like this,” he said
against my mouth. “All messy. Vulnerable. God, it does something to
me.”

I was practically whimpering. I
had to take big, deep breaths, when I could. When Matt’s lips
weren’t crushing mine. “I can’t do this, Matt. It’s too much for me
– ” I tried to escape again.

“
Don’t! Don’t you dare
break my heart by leaving me – ”

“
I can’t BREATHE around
you – ”

“
I’ll breathe for
you.”

“
Oh God.” I was near
tears. I was in such torment. I was overwhelmed with love for Matt.
I was overwhelmed BY Matt.

Assholes, I could handle. A
perfect, loving guy like Matt…

I had no idea what to do
with.

I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t
deserve it. I would fuck it up.

At least with assholes, it’s their
fault.

“
If you really don’t
want this, don’t want ME – “ Matt choked up then and I reached out,
held his face. I wanted to eat him up, protect him…LOVE HIM. “Then
you have to tell me, Karina. You have to tell me NOW.”

I groaned. I was shit scared, but
I wanted him. I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in
my life. “I do want you, Matt,” I whispered, running a hand all
over his cheeks, jaw, mouth. He bit my fingers.

That turned me on so
much.

“
But…” I trailed
off.

“
But what? Just tell me
NO, Karina, so I can stop.”

“
No then. No no no no
no – ”

Matt looked like I’d stabbed him
in the heart. He pushed himself up off me by his hands.

I was suddenly CRUSHED. The
removal of his body from mine was a pain that floored
me.

I reached out and clung to him.
“No! No. Don’t you DARE leave me!”

Matt groaned, and wrapped me in
his arms, pushing us both back down onto the bed. “This is your
last chance, Karina. Your last chance to stop this. Otherwise I am
going to fuck you so hard. Till you’re begging me to
stop.”

I made noises as he kissed me.
“Don’t do that ever again.”

“
Do what?”

“
Pull away from
me.”

“
Like you do to me ALL
THE TIME?”

I moaned. “Yes. It kills
me.”

“
It kills me, too,
baby.”

“
I don’t want this –
”

“
UGH! Karina –
”

“
I don’t! I’m so scared
– ”

“
Then stop kissing
me.”

“
I can’t.”

“
Exactly. So shut up
and let me love you.”

“
No. No!”

“
No?”

“
Yes.”

“
Yes?”

“
No!”

“
FUCK! Karina, I’m done
with this.”

“
Don’t leave me!” I was
frantic at the thought. I clutched onto him for dear
life.

“
I’m going nowhere,
baby. I’m taking your clothes off, and I’m going to fuck you till
you stop saying all this crap.”

“
Matt…”

“
Wait till I’m inside
you, baby. Then say my name.”

“
Oh God…”

“
I want to hear you,”
he began taking all my clothes off, “scream. My. Name.”

“
Your parents –
”

“
I don’t GIVE A FUCK. I
want you making SO MUCH NOISE. I fucking LOVE when you whimper –
”

I was whimpering
already.

“
I want you – ” he slid
my bikini down my legs. “My God. I want you DAMN WELL CRYING with
the pleasure of my cock inside you.”

I was in such a state already.
Shaking, whimpering, crying already. With the exquisite LONGING for
him and this elusive LOVE.

I’ve never needed anybody like I
need him. His strength. His stableness.

His love. What he can give
me.

He was all over me. Kissing,
grabbing, sucking, licking. He made me feel like my body was a
marvel. Like my body was precious.

(for some reason I flash back to
all the violence I’ve gone through, at the hands of men. Rick
especially. All that blood, that night. I never flashed back to
this with Evvy. Why with Matt? Why!)

I don’t think my body has been
precious to anyone else before. I started crying from that, alone.
Let alone the exquisite torture he was putting me
through.

“
Oh God – ”

“
What?”

“
Look at the size of
that thing!”

Matt laughed. “Close your eyes, if
it helps.”

“
Matt?” He was crushing
me to him.

“
Yes?”

“
You’re a fucking porn
star.”

He laughed some more. “Shut up and
let me use it on you.”

Hours, what FELT like hours, of
the hottest sex later…

I finally understand calling it
‘fucking’ and not making love.

I’ve always called sex making
love, yet no one has ever made love to me like he does.

It’s fucking, but full of love. So
much love I can barely stand it.

It’s TORTUROUS. I want to do it
ALWAYS.

He was moving in and out of me. I
was whimpering. I was clinging to him as he pounded me and kissed
me and loved me with his body.

I saw my Barbie watch as I pulled
his hair…

(he loves that)

“
Matt?”

“
What baby?”

“
It’s
midnight.”

We could hear the campgrounds
suddenly come alive all around us, with chants, cheers, drunken
celebrations.

He kissed me and kept thrusting.
“Happy New Year, baby,” he groaned against my mouth.

Oh God. Please let this
work.

New Year’s morning began like the
past couple – us in each other’s arms, touching, kissing,
talking.

We do a lot of talking. And
kissing. I kinda really love it.

“
Who was he?” Matt
asked as he kissed me.

“
He’s nobody, now.”
Something felt very odd and untrue about my own statement. My heart
did a little glitch. Over Everard.

(I hadn’t wanted him gone, not by
a long stretch. I wanted Ever SO MUCH it damn well fucking hurt…but
he wanted to be gone. He did this to us. And now it’s too
late)

“
What did you do
together?”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
Special moments,
special places…??”

I fell about laughing. “Are you
kidding me! All we did was fuck.”

Matt groaned. “Oh, Christ. That’s
worse somehow.” He rubbed his heart, like it hurt. “For how
long?”

“
Six
months.”

“
SIX MONTHS?! You’ve
been fucking this guy for SIX MONTHS! Why the fuck didn’t you COME
TO ME??”

“
Oh just walk up to you
and say, ‘Matt, please fuck me?’”

“
YES!!!”

“
Yeah right. I didn’t
even know you LIKED me!”

“
I’m DEVASTATED you’ve
been with this guy – ”

“
I’m not with him
anymore. Was barely with him in the first place.”

“
What are you
doing?”

“
Putting my clothes
on!”

Matt grabbed the shorts I was
trying to put on while horizontal, and threw them away.
“Matt!”

“
I love you naked.
Don’t ever wear clothes again.” He pulled me back into his arms,
and began squeezing and grabbing and putting his fingers
everywhere.

(and I mean everywhere)

“
I will love you –
”

“
GASP.”

“ –
three times a day –
”

“
Moan.”

“ –
so you never –
”

“
Groan.”

“ –
need to be with
anyone else, ever again.”

“
Oh God.”

“
Now say my name –
”

“
Ohhhh…”

“ –
tell me who. You.
WANT.”

“
Fuck!
Matt!”

“
Say it again. Tell me
AGAIN – ”

“
Keep doing that, OH
YES!!”

“
Tell me, Karina. Tell
me who you want fucking you – ”

“
Matt! MATT. I want YOU
fucking me like this – ”

“
Fuck, I’m crazy about
you – ”

“
Oh my God.
MATT.”

“
Hmm…yeah?”

“
Keep fucking
me.”

“
Like this?”

“
Fuck yeah.”

“
Baby. Ohhhh,
baby…”

“
Matt?”

“
Yeah?”

“
I love you fucking
me.” I screamed out as he fucked me harder. “Oh GOD OH GOD OH
GOD!!!!”

“
Like this?”

“
Yes. Yes!
YES.”

“
Hmmm. Hmmm.
Ahhhh…”

“
FUCK,
Karina…”

“
I don’t want…ahhh…you
to ever stop – ”

“
Fuck, no. I will never
stop – ”

I dissolved in screams.

“ –
loving you. Like
this.”

Oh my God, I am in big trouble
here. I have fallen so fucking hard.

New Year’s Day, Andrew and Julia
told us all they heard was a perfect mix of me giggling madly and
screaming madly.

That about sums up Matt and I in
bed.