Shampoo (64 page)

“
I just don’t want to be like
this!”

“
Don’t, don’t. I’m here.”

“
Are you?”

“
OF COURSE. How can you ask me
that?”

“
You left last night – ”

“
I am all here, baby. I just get so
hurt sometimes. Especially when you push me away all the time –
”

“
I don’t mean to – ”

“
I know, baby. I know. It just hurts
so much to love

you – ”

“
I love you, Matt.”

“
And then you be like this, and I
fall apart. I need to fuck you.”

“
I need you to fuck me, Matt –
”

“
At least twice…”

“
Ohhh, yessss…”

“
Maybe three times.”

“
Karina?”

“
Hmm?”

“
I love you.”
“I love you, too. So fucking much.”

Matt groaned. “Fuck, I can’t get enough of you
– ”

“
Hmm, oh! Oh yeah, do that again
baby…”

“
Should we finally get
up?”

“
Hmmmm…no.”

“
Matt?”

“
What, baby?”

“
Why can’t it just always be like
this between us?”

“
It is, when we’re
together.”

“
Until my freak outs.”

“
I think as long as my dick’s in
you, you’re not freaking out.”

“
Ha ha! MATT.”

“
What! It’s true! You’re fine when
I’m fucking you.”

“
Oh God, is that true?”

“
Yes, sweetheart. It is.”

“
Oh man. I have
problems.”

“
Little bit.”

“
Ugh. What is WRONG with
me??”

“
Nothing, baby. I love how you are.
Does something to me, that’s for sure.”

“
SIGH.”

“
I don’t mind having to be the one
that settles you with my cock – ”

“
I love how you talk…”

“
Ha! How do I talk??”

“
So dirty like – ”

“
Do I?”

“
God, yeah. Drives me
crazy.”

“
Karina?”

“
Hmm?”

“
Come sit on my hard dick
again.”

“
Oh, God…YES.”

I made him get in the car, eventually, and
surprised him with a picnic at Sherwood Arboretum.

I haven’t been there since, after THAT night,
and black and blue, Nat and Dan took me there, to cheer me
up.

Like they were taking the crippled victim out
of the mental asylum for the day.

(I love that they did that for me that day,
took me out. But I hate how they tiptoed around me, like I was some
fragile creature. I hate that. I don’t want to BE this fragile
victim)

Matt loved it. His whole face lit up when I
drove us into the carpark for the Arboretum, and fetched the picnic
basket out of the boot.

Breaks my heart to see him so happy.

I wish I could always make him happy. But I
have a sinking feeling I can’t.

Was funny at the picnic. I’d done a very dodgy
job of putting together a picnic. Matt took one bite of his bread
roll I’d made and went, “It’s truly amazing how you can fuck up
slapping ham on a roll.”

I laughed. “Shut up!!”

“
This is awful, baby. In the best
possible way.”

We had a great day. Romantic, fun…

We had the picnic, then drove back here,
swapped cars, and Matt drove us back to his place. We spent time
with Matt’s grandmother

(oh God, I love ALL of his family. I want to be
a PART of his family),

and lounged around the back yard for a bit
together.

Then we went for a drive, ending up at
Cleveland. I showed Matt Dad’s boat, then we sat on the water’s
edge. Matt suddenly ran off at one point, and came back ten minutes
later with a bottle of pink champagne that we drank straight from
the bottle.

Aww. My champagne on the water moment with a
guy that loves me.

Matt is giving me THE DREAM.

My favourite thing in the world is to sit in
the sun, near the water, and drink champagne. How does he know
that?
We talked about everything as we sat there – our lives, our
futures. We planned our trip to Astoria, Oregon (home of The
Goonies!!!).

And Matt said, “I’ll propose to you
there.”

I want it all so bad it hurts. I want him, and
the life he can give me, so bad it cripples me.

Why do I flip out then?? Why??
Why!!!

I hate myself for it.

Then we had to pick up Matt’s brother, take him
back to mine, so that Todd could drive Matt’s car home and Matt
drove mine, so that Matt and I both had our Commodores at his,
cause I was staying the night and we both start at different times
this week.

Was so funny, they were dragging each other in
the two Commodores!

Of course, Todd won in Matt’s car, cause it’s
just got more guts than mine. Has a more powerful
engine.

Matt was spewing.

Then we had dinner with his family, which I
love doing…I think it’s fast becoming one of my favourite things in
the world – sitting down to dinner with Matt’s family. I love
it.

I love them!

It must be so nice to have this stable
family…yeah, Dad’s always been stable for us growing up, but he’s a
workaholic, and we never had real sit down dinners like this, like
Matt’s family do, like it’s a special event.

The cozy unit they present, that’s what I love.
The stable mother figure, the parents still together and in love.
That was missing from my life.

IS missing from my life.

I want to BELONG somewhere. To feel like I
belong with a family, a guy. A boyfriend.

To feel loved.

I’m rootless. I’m like a balloon someone let
the string go, floating through life with no one keeping a hold of
me.

I want someone to hold that string. To love me.
To fit in with someone, be one half of someone.

Yet, I get boxed in. I’m a loner, deep down, a
free spirit. Despite my party personality, I also need to be alone
A LOT, more than is considered normal.

How does a person like me BE in a family? Like
this one?? How do I be with a man as loving and nurturing and
protective as Matt?

After dinner, Matt and I showered, and fell
into his bed, and made hot love and watched ‘Grease’
together.

I think it was the first time I really felt
relaxed, staying over at Matt’s. I was just so comfortable and
relaxed.

Maybe it’s just a mindset? Re my freak
outs?

Tuesday 23 January 2001

7.12pm

Sick. Exhausted. Stayed home from work and
watched Moonlighting all day and slept.

Matt brought me round dinner, then left when he
saw the mood I was in.

Smart boy. He’s learning!

Everard rang for Dan, and when he got me, he
put on this horrible voice.

(horrible, horrible, oh I hate him)

“
Is Clewsy there?”

“
No, he’s not – ”

“
Can you tell him I called
please?”

(oh God, the tone of his voice he used on me.
It killed me all over again)

“
Sure.”

“
Can you actually get that right,
without fucking it up?”

Oh, he was still mad.

Was like a knife to my heart, him treating me
like this, when I stuck around for six months, waiting for him to
love me.

I was not going to give him the satisfaction of
reacting to him. That’s what he wanted, he wanted to upset me, to
hurt me, to have me snap back, and I wasn’t going to give it to
him. “Sure, Everard,” I replied sweetly.

He made a noise, like a snort, and hung
up.

Bastard.

Sunday 28 January 2001

5.24pm

I’m home, in bed. In my favourite place on
earth.

Just got back from the coast with Matt. We had
such a great time.

Why can’t Matt and I just be on permanent
holiday together? It’s all so perfect when we’re away together.
Even on weekends together.

I seem to struggle with the week days though.
The every day life and a relationship. It all gets too much for
me.

Thursday at work just couldn’t pass fast
enough.

And everyone officially knows about Matt and I
now.

Apparently, they knew about us AGES
ago.

(before I even knew about us!)

It started with Angela Jones ringing me to give
me her orders, then right at the end of the call, she went, “So,
Pinky. I hear you’re with Matt!”

And I spluttered for a bit, then Angela said,
“As long as he’s everything on your list that you created, for your
perfect man!”

I practically hyperventilated. My list! That
list Angela instructed me to write!

I thought back to the list, and thought the
only thing Matt doesn’t have is

(Benny’s)

height. Like ridiculously tall height, romance
hero tall height.

(Benny tall)

But how beautiful that most of that list has
come true??

Then John Cash called out, “ You having
tomorrow off, Pinky? I see you’re down for a holiday day
here!”

“
Yes, John,” I called back. “Going
on holiday for a few days.”

“
Check who else is down for a
holiday day tomorrow!” Gerry yelled from his office next to John’s.
Then he chuckled evilly.

Oh God. I watched through the glass part of my
partition at John looking at his list. “Matt Johnson!!” he suddenly
yelled, astonished.

“
Matt Johnson!” DY yelled out, on
cue.

(oh, those bastards so had that all planned
out)

Daryl Agnew’s head picked up from where he’d
been sitting. “Matt fucking Johnson!!”

“
Matt Johnson and Pinky, both having
holiday days tomorrow,” John Cash said, coming out of his office,
and leaning against Renee’s desk. “This is really
FASCINATING.”

Renee and Gerry started laughing. So did half
the office.

“
Don’t worry, Pinky, we already
knew,” laughed Gerry. “We just wanted to know when you were gonna
fess up about it.”

Nothing is sacred in this office. Including my
love life.

Matt and I arrived at the beach house at
Mermaid Beach about 6.45pm. We stayed with his cousin, Melanie, her
fiancé Paul, and their baby, Tyler, who I completely fell in love
with!!

I love babies!!

Matt and I got spiffed up, and walked hand in
hand in the beautiful balmy beach evening to Oasis. We were mucking
around and laughing on the walk there.

So fun. So romantic.

I started twirling around a street
sign

(I see a pole and I take my opportunity to
twirl, I can’t help myself)

but got my heel stuck and landed flat on my
butt.

Matt laughed his ass off. Was doubled over on
the sidewalk, clutching his stomach.

“
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I
laughed. Still on the ground.

“
Oh my God…HAHAHAHAHA…you haven’t
even had anything to DRINK YET!” He grabbed me under my armpits and
hauled me back up. “That was so FUCKING FUNNY!”

“
I got my HEEL STUCK! Otherwise it
would’ve been VERY SEXY – ”

“
BAHAHAHAHA I bet!”

“
It WOULD HAVE BEEN!”

“
You’ve gotta give up this twirling
round poles bit you do. Before you break a leg!”

“
Or my ass again!”

Oh God, we laughed the whole way. We were
having so much fun together. I love him. I love the fun we
have.

We had dinner at an Italian restaurant,
Palatino’s. Matt looked so sexy all dressed up, at a beautiful
restaurant, sitting outside in the balmy night, the candles
flickering in the sea air.

He just looked so fucking hot!

“
I love the way you’re looking at me
tonight,” he said, as we drank and ate delicious food.

“
You just look SO HOT, I can barely
deal with it.”