Shampoo (68 page)

“
Let alone WHY THE FUCK
are you having a freak out NOW anyway!”

“
Everything has been
FUCKING GREAT! Why the fucking escape attempt now!!! FUCKING NOW!!!
Why??”

“
You know what, Karina?
I feel like I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore –
”

“
You are just KILLING
ME. YOU KILLED ME THIS ARVO!!!”

“
I just can’t even deal
with you anymore – ”

Finally, I spoke. “You promised,
Matt,” I managed to splutter through the tears.

“
What?”

“
You FUCKING
PROMISED!!”

“
Oh, you’re
unbelievable!”

“ –
you wouldn’t let go
of me!”

“
YOU MAKE IT SO FUCKING
HARD TO HOLD ONTO YOU!!” he screamed.

He hung up!! He hung
up!!

Not sure I’ve ever cried so hard
in my life before.

And I’ve cried A LOT.

Monday 19 February
2001

7.55pm

Matt and I avoided each other at
work. I’m not sure we even looked at each other more than three
times all day.

Oh God, that was awful. Is it all
my fault?? Have I achieved destroying this? Already??

We’ve only been together such a
short time, yet if feels like forever, cause we’re ALWAYS together.
And it’s been so instant and full on.

We’ve made love THOUSANDS of times
in only not even two months. He feels like my other half. I feel
like I know him better than I’ve ever known anybody
before.

Yet today there was a massive void
between us. He didn’t even wait for me after work. I heard his car
from upstairs, and just about died as I went to the window and
watched him do an uncharacteristic roar off.

He wanted me to KNOW he’d taken
off on me without saying goodbye!

I was DEVASTATED.

Then he rang me tonight, from the
pub. He’s there with all his mates.

“
I love you, baby. I’m
sorry,” he said.

“
Me, too.”

“
I’m hurting.”
“Me too.”

“
I’m not going to let
you go.”

“
I’m afraid you’re
going to wake up one day, and not love me anymore.”

“
Pfft. That’s never
going to happen - ”

“
I can feel it. You’re
about to let go of me – ”

“
No, you can feel my
anger and hurt from yesterday, and today. That is all.”

“
Is it?”

“
Yes!”

“
Well, I’m feeling very
lost right now, and I feel like you’re not there for me –
”

“
FOR ONE DAY! One
fucking day I haven’t been there for you, and that’s after you
FUCKING ROARED OFF ON ME!” He took deep breaths, calmed down.
“Today was so fucking hard on me. Ignoring each other. Not loving
each other.”

“
You’re the one that
roared off today!”

“
Yeah, well. I’ve been
watching your roar offs too much. Had to be my turn sooner or
later…Karina?”

“
Yeah?”

“
Don’t do this to us,
baby girl. Don’t do this to me. Don’t LET YOURSELF be let
go.”

My heart. God, my heart. It hurts
so fucking much.

Why?? Why has it gone from me so
happy and content to this??

I just want to cry and
cry.

Wednesday 21 February
2001

9.33pm

It was Faye’s birthday yesterday,
so I brought her flowers today. She loved them. And I bought Joy a
bottle of red wine and wrapped a glitter butterfly from the florist
round the bottle. They loved their presents!

(I included Joy into Faye’s
birthday cause I love her and I love spoiling her. I don’t think
anybody spoils Joy, and that breaks my heart for her. She deserves
spoiling and all the love in the world)

I’m not supposed to be suddenly
this depressed on my birthday. Things between Matt and I were weird
again at work. But after work he grabbed me and kissed
me.

I can feel it though. His
distance. He’s suddenly distant. Yeah, cause I’ve driven him away.
But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less.

In fact, it makes it hurt
more.

I went to Tee’s tonight, and she
absolutely spoiled me rotten. I love her!!

Soon as I walked in, she was all,
“What’s up, kitten? I can feel your sadness. It’s coming off you as
strawberry perfume oil.”

(ha ha! She’s funny)

I couldn’t really answer her,
cause Matt has done nothing, he’s just responding to my fucked
upness…

But I don’t know how to change. To
feel better about love and relationships and myself.

I’m fucking lost.

I’m suddenly very down, though,
after being so fucking happy. I was so happy there for a bit. It’s
like I won’t allow myself to be happy. I had to fuck it up, right
when I was really, really happy and content and relaxed for
once.

All these pink presents on Tee’s
coffee table sure cheered me up!! HOW SWEET IS SHE!!!

So many presents, all wrapped in
baby pink paper and hot pink ribbons.

And one present had pink hearts
all over it!! AWWW!!!

So many presents: a beautiful pink
fairy frame (that I love!!), a gorgeous pink headband with beads
all over it, a pink boob tube and a stunning pink dress.

(that I’ve already decided I will
wear Saturday night for my birthday outing)

And she made me a delicious three
course meal.

We watched ‘Seinfeld’ together and
cracked up, then sat outside on her steps and ate dessert
together.

(chocolate pudding that she made
from scratch. She’s so talented!!)

Matt just rang. He went fishing
tonight. I miss him. I miss him so much it kills.

Yet I keep pushing him
away.

Saturday 24 February
2001

1.45pm

My birthday was heavenly. I still
have this feeling of unease though. I can’t shake it
off.

Thursday I arrived at
work on my 22
^nd
birthday, on
the 22
^nd
of the 2
^nd
, to lots
of hugs and kisses and presents.

I felt so loved and spoiled. I’m
tearing up just thinking about it.

What a difference to my last
birthday. Kinda heals me a bit. New memories erasing the
old.

I walked into the warehouse to
Faye and Gordon handing me a box of choccies and big
hugs.

Then, “Happy Birthday, Pinky!”
yells and hugs by all the warehouse boys and Terry.

Finally, I got to see my
boyfriend.

(God, that feels weird, writing
that. I have MAJOR issues with that word)

He pulled me to him and kissed me.
“Happy birthday, baby.”

Then he followed me upstairs,
where he and Joy got together and handed me a present.

Beautiful pink satin sheets! Oh I
love them!

“
You and Matt will
enjoy these,” Joy laughed. I kissed her, to delighted squeals by
her.

And I kissed Matt again, to John
Cash yelling out, “Hey, none of that in the workplace!”

“
Yeah, if you’re gonna
do it, go use the Boardroom! That’s what we had it built for!”
called out DY.

Everyone yelled out happy birthday
to me.

Then, while I was frantically
scribbling on an invoice pad, Jules leans over me and places a ring
box in front of me.

I turned around and said, “Yes,
I’ll marry you,” and we fell about in stitches.

“
That’s the only thing
this workplace is missing,” John Cash said as he walked past. “A
couple of lesbians. I thought we were more progressive than this!!
Renee, hire a couple of lesbians, will you!”

I opened the ring box to a
beautiful pink love heart ring.

I love it so much.

“
You’ll always have my
heart, K,” Julia said. I hugged her and cried.

“
What did I just say
about the boardroom!” DY.

“
Pinky’s getting around
today.” Gerry.

Then when I went downstairs to
show Matt the ring, Melissa put a pink gift bag on my
desk.

Love my girls.

Melissa had got me a pink turtle
massager, a pink candle, and a pink exfoliant.

Pink pink pink. Everything was
pink!

(as it should be)

Matt’s mum made me this stunning,
STUNNING

(I’m getting a bit hysterical
here, sobbing madly)

pink marshmallow and musk candy
birthday cake that we all had at work.

It was seriously the best cake
I’ve ever eaten. Tasted just like marshmallows and those musk candy
lollies.

Heaven.

Then after work, I went to Matt’s,
and he gave me this gorgeous pink diamonte belt, and Jocelyn, Jim
and Todd all handed me presents – clothes Matt’s mum had made me.
Beautiful, glittering shirts.

She is so talented. That woman can
do it all!! I just want her to adopt me.

It’s like I’ve been waiting for
Matt’s mother my whole life!!! I’m having a love affair with his
mother.

The universe messed up and
misplaced me. I was SUPPOSED TO BE with her.

Then Matt dragged me
upstairs.

“
It’s your birthday,
and it’s been too long,” he said to me.

“
Your parents are
having dinner with us!”

“
I’m not waiting any
longer,” he said as he kissed me and removed all my
clothes.

“
Things have been weird
between us,” Matt continued, running his hands through my hair. He
cupped my head, made me look up at him. I held onto his
wrists.

Hurting, hurting. Can’t he tell
how much I’m hurting?? It’s like a delayed hurt, from all that’s
happened to me.

It has nothing to do with him, yet
he brings it all out in me.

“
I don’t want things
like this between us, Karina.” His eyes. Oh, those sapphire
eyes.

“
Neither do I. I love
you.”

“
I love you so much,
baby. This distance between us is killing me.”

I started crying. “Me,
too.”

Matt picked me up and carried me
to his bed. “No more. Promise me?”

“
Just don’t stop loving
me,” I sobbed into his neck.

“
Never, baby. Now let
me love you on your birthday.”

(oh, what a different birthday
this one was. Yet it still fucking hurts)

“
Matt?”

“
Hmm?”

“
Love me
hard.”

He did.

His parents made me this full on
roast meal. Roast chicken, potato bake, roast vegies.

No one’s ever done this kind of
thing before for my birthday.

It was so delicious.

Matt’s mum and I drank pink
champagne together till late. Was lovely. So fun!

I had the best birthday. They make
me feel so loved. I’m so grateful to them all. Matt and his family.
I love them, I really do. And I have so much fun with
them!

Then another pink birthday cake
was brought out! Another bottle of Blush opened.

Matt and I finally rolled upstairs
to bed, and watched ‘Dawson’s’ together. We kissed the entire
episode, then made love again.

Matt was then in his talkative
mood, wanting to know and talk about everything.

Which just made me cry, cause I
don’t want to BE this victim.

Matt says talking will help
though.

Friday was a struggle at work, but
then me and Matt, Nat and Dan, Julia, Dad and Cruz, and Matt’s
parents all went to Panchos for my birthday!

Nat gave me a photo box and one
hundred dollars

(thanks Sis!! Love ya),

and Dad and Cruz gave me one
hundred dollars as well.

(I’m amazed Cruz hasn’t stopped
presents yet. Maybe that’s coming)

Was nice to have Matt’s parents
meet mine. I don’t know why that doesn’t freak me out, but it
doesn’t. It felt like Matt and I were getting engaged, and this was
the sets of parents being introduced.

Was actually a very calming
feeling for me. It felt right.

Jocelyn and I drank champagne
together as usual. “We have to have pink champagne ON TAP for these
two!” laughed Matt’s dad.

Cruz actually seemed a bit put out
by Jocelyn and I’s close relationship. But since when does she ever
spend the sort of time, and love and devotion on me as Matt’s mum
does?