Shattered Dreams (5 page)

I finally look around the table. His mother
looks fear stricken, but his dad is expressionless. I reluctantly
look over at Max and I already know. His face tells everything he
is feeling. My big strong soldier wears his heart on his sleeves
and his emotions on his face. Max never fears for himself but fears
for me instead. “You are, aren’t you?”  

“
Yes.”  

It’s the only thing I can hear. I know he is
talking, but all I hear are mumbled voices in the far distance. I
can’t tell who is talking and I just stare into space. My nose
tingles and I rub it to try to make it stop.  

“
When?” I ask and I don’t
know if I interrupted them talking or not. No one says anything and
I already know it’s soon. 

“
When, Max?” I finally look
over at him and he looks so sad. The tears fall onto my cheeks and
I can’t see. I stand and he takes my hand and guides me to him. I
sit on his lap and hug him. He wraps his large arms around me and I
cry. When I finally pull away from him, I cup my hands to his
face.  

“
When do you
leave?” 

“
Friday, we leave on
Friday.”  

“
I thought you still had a
few more months?” 

“
It’s an emergency
deployment. They need more troops over there sooner than they
expected.” 

I hear a cry come from across the table and I
know it’s his mother. I can’t look at her. As much as my heart is
breaking, I can’t imagine how she feels. Her only son is leaving to
fight a war in the Middle East.  

“
But James is only three
weeks old. You can’t leave now.” 

“
I know, Em, I’m
sorry.” 

Max also cups my face and I know it’s so I
can’t look away. He gently rubs my earlobe and it brings a small
smile to my face. I lean my head into his large
hands.  

I clear my throat and try to find my voice.
“Who all is going?”  

“
Everyone in the
platoon.” 

“
Everyone?” 

“
I’m afraid
so.” 

“
Emma?” Danny says in his
deep, husky voice. 

I turn around and look at him. “Yes.” I try
to stand up, but Max holds me tightly to him. 

“
I know this is all new to
everyone, but we are supposed to leave tomorrow to return to
Florida. We can stay longer and help out with James. Max, do you
know how long you’ll be deployed?” 

I didn’t think about that. I look back at him
and wait for him to answer. 

“
We have another meeting on
Wednesday, and we’ll know more then.” 

I don’t totally believe him, but I don’t say
anything.  

“
Emma, you can always come
back to Florida and stay with us or your parents during his tour of
duty. Maybe we can even house hunt while he’s gone. The next two
years will go by fairly quickly,” his dad says, still holding his
wife’s hand.  

I look up at Cheryl and I
can see hope in her eyes. I try to smile, but I am not sure I
succeeded. I can’t make a decision of this magnitude right
now
.
“No, don’t
change your plans. Let me talk to the other Army wives and see what
they are going to do.” I also think it all depends on how long his
tour of duty will be. “Danny, thank you. That is definitely
something for me to think about.”  

I get up from Max’s lap and walk over to get
a sleeping James from Danny’s arms. I kiss him and hand him to Max.
I want Max to spend as much time with his son as he
can.  

The next day when Max gets off work he takes
his parents to the Syracuse airport. I stay at home with James
because it is an hour drive. I kiss and hug his parents goodbye and
kiss Max. He lingers behind, and I know he doesn’t want to leave
us.  

“
Go, so you can hurry up and
get back.” 

“
Since you put it that
way.” 

I walk them to the front door and keep the
door closed until they are ready to go.  

“
Emma, call us and let us
know what’s going on,” his mother says while fastening her
coat.  

“
Ok, I
will.” 

“
Emma, we are only a phone
call away. If you need anything, anything at all, call us,” Danny
says as he hands Cheryl her gloves.  

“
I know, and trust me, I’ll
call you if I need anything, but I think we’ll be fine. Thank you
and Max, you be careful and hurry home.” 

“
I will, I love you.” He
kisses me sweetly and I just want to stay in his arms. When he
finally pulls away, I open the door for them and watch them leave.
Max turns around and yells, “I’ll be right back.” I nod and wave
before closing the door behind him.  

While they are gone, Brooke and a few other
wives come over. We compare notes and talk about what we are going
to do about the upcoming deployment. Some of the girls want to
return home while their husbands are deployed and some want to stay
on base and wait for them. The Army wives are a great support team
and great friends. We all are going through the same things
together, and it is good to have them to talk to.  

Later that night, Max and I lie in bed; the
house seems empty now that his parents are gone.  

“
Did you have a nice meeting
with the ‘Army Wives’?” he asks, laughing. 

Not sure how he knew I had them over, I
laugh, too. “How did you know I had our friends over? 

“
One, I suspected you would
want to talk to them about the deployment and two, the house
smelled of Victoria’s Secret when I came home.” 

“
They do like their body
spray.” Smiling, I roll over on my side to get a better view of
him. He is very handsome. Tall at about 6’0”, brown hair, deep-set
blue eyes, high cheekbones, a chiseled jawline with a dimple in his
chin. He is a provider, a protector, and a
soldier.  

“
I had them over to see what
their thoughts were.”  

“
About
what?”  

“
Well, depending on how long
the deployment will be, some of them want to go back home and some
want to stay here and wait it out.” 

“
I see. What do you want to
do?” he asks, without taking his eyes off
mine.  

“
This is our home, I don’t
think it’s fair to take James from it. I am hoping it won’t be for
long and you’ll be back very soon.” 

“
You do have a great support
team here,” he adds. 

“
I do, and I am grateful for
that. We have met some really wonderful people
here.” 

“
That, we have. I’ll know
the details tomorrow and we can have everyone over on Thursday if
you want.” 

“
I think everyone will want
to stay home with their own families the night before the
deployment.” 

“
I’m sure you’re right,” he
says, smiling. “They are going to want to get their alone time in.”
He scoots closer to me and kisses me
sweetly.  

I moan and kiss him back.  

Max

I kiss Emma; she has the softest lips. I
haven’t made love to her since before James was born. I was looking
forward to the six-week checkup so we could get clearance and I
could finally make love to my wife. With me leaving on Friday, I
have no idea when I’ll be able to make love to her again. I cup her
face with one hand and stroke her earlobe with my thumb and index
finger. I can feel her smile on her lips during our kiss. She also
has very soft earlobes that I love to touch. I remember our first
date; she wore these small gold, diamond-studded earrings that
sparkled in the light. It kept drawing my attention to her small
ears. After our date ended, I leaned in to kiss her on her cheek
and I touched her earlobe with my thumb and index finger. I think I
have been doing that every day since then.  

“
I’m going to miss you,” she
mumbles.  

“
Oh, Em, you have no idea. I
know you’re not supposed to wish time away, but I can’t wait for
the next two years to be over. I plan on spending every minute of
every day making you happy. Always and forever.” 

“
You already do, forever and
always.”  

It’s Thursday night, the night before we
leave for our seven-month tour of duty in the Middle East. Seven
months! James will be crawling and sitting up the next time I see
him. The Army gave us the day off, and Emma and I spent the day in
with James. We go through some pictures, and Emma gets me a
keepsake box ready to take with me. She selects some of our
favorite pictures, anniversary cards, a small bottle of Baby Magic
baby lotion and a postcard from our honeymoon in the Florida Keys,
Key West.  

“
Why the Baby Magic baby
lotion?” I ask. 

“
I don’t want you to forget
what James smells like.” 

And I swear my heart breaks. I can never
forget what James smells like. He smells like Emma. I have that
smell embedded in my brain.  

We pack my bags and order pizza and salads in
for dinner. 

That night, Emma lets James sleep in our bed.
She has been very adamant about James sleeping in his own bed from
birth. She knew from the beginning that she wanted us to have our
alone time, no matter how much she wanted to be near our son. I
admire her and her will. I would have just slept with him. Some
nights I’ll sleep with him in the rocker after his late-night
feeding. I tell her I fell asleep, but the truth is, I just don’t
want to be apart from him. Other than Emma, he is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.  

“
It won’t be so bad. They
have internet over there and we are allowed to skype once a week
for fifteen minutes,” I say, hoping to ease her
anxiety. 

“
That’ll be nice,” she says,
as she draws the infinity symbol on the palm of my hands. “You’ll
be able to see James become a toddler.”  

I feel a tear fall onto my arm. I want to
ease her pain, but I can’t. I want to cry with her and tell her I
can’t live without her for the seven months I’ll be gone, I want to
tell her all those things, but I can’t. If I fall apart, she will,
too. I’ll hold it together until I’m out of her sight tomorrow,
then I’ll let go of the rage I feel at the Army for taking me away
from my family. For taking me away from this time with James that
I’ll never get back.  

“
I’ll be able to see him
crawl and sit up on camera. The seven months will fly by and then
when I get back, we can look for a house in
Florida.”  

“
Do you really think it will
go by that fast?” she asks, uncertain that I am telling the
truth.  

“
I do; it’ll be hard to be
away from you and James, but the Skyping every week will definitely
help,” I say because it’s the truth. 

“
Do you know about phone
calls and mail?” 

“
No, but as soon as I can
I’ll let you know.” 

“
I’ll write you every single
day,” she says. 

“
You may not get anything
else done.” I smile and kiss her. 

The next day we are to meet
my platoon members and their spouses at the main office on base.
This is where our departure begins.
We are
heading overseas for our seven-month tour of duty. I am wearing my
Army fatigues and Emma is dressed in a red, white, and blue
patriotic dress. James is also decked out in his Army camouflage
onesie and sweatpants the troops bought him. I smile. “Proud to be
an American?” 

“
Of course, and I am also
proud of my soldier husband who is risking his life for his fellow
Americans.” 

“
You make me sound like a
hero.” 

She saunters over to me, “Because you are a
hero.” 

I wrap my arms around her and lift her up off
the ground. “I thought I was your husband?” 

“
Oh, you are definitely my
husband and you are also a hero.” 

“
I’m not sure about that,
but I do like the part where I’m your husband.” 

“
Me, too,” she says, kissing
me. 

Once we are parked outside the main office,
other platoon members start to pull into the parking lot. We remain
in the car. I am holding James, who is snuggled up on my chest.
Emma is cuddled up with us resting her head on my chest near James.
I just close my eyes and pray for time to stand still. I don’t want
to leave and I especially don’t want to leave my family
behind.  

“
Emma?” 

“
Mmm.” 

I pull back away from her so
I can see her. “Look at me.” She raises her sad face and it breaks
my heart. “I want you to keep your cell phone with you every night
and make sure it’s charged. If you hear a noise outside or in the
house, I want you to hit the panic button on the key remote. The
alarm on the car will sound, and
if there
is an intruder, it may scare them off.” She nods in understanding.
“Stay in at night and keep the doors locked at all times.” I watch
as a tear slides down her pale cheek. “If you need anything, you
call Sgt. Chad Majors. He’ll help you with whatever you need. I
already programmed all the important numbers into your
phone.  

“
You did?” 

“
I did it last night while
you were sleeping.” 

“
I don’t want you to
go.” 

More tears continue to slide down her pale
cheek. “Em, trust me, if I could get out of it, I would. I love you
and James so much. When we return I’ll be the first one off that
plane and I want you there waiting for me wearing this exact same
dress.”