Shattered Perfection (27 page)

Vance kisses the top of my head and whispers, “I love you, Mimi, so very much.”

I squeeze him around his waist, as tight as I dare, and whisper back, “I love you more, Vance.”

We fall asleep like that, entwined with each other, just the way we were always meant to be.

The next morning, I am able to meet Vance’s oncologist, Dr. Haneef.  He gently explains that all of the tests and scans they have performed over the last few days confirm that the cancer is progressing at an advanced rate and Vance’s condition will continue to deteriorate rapidly.  The doctor is compassionate, but very forthright and honest when he tells us we have to make end-of-life decisions, beyond the directives that Vance has already given.  He lays out our options such as hospice care, being discharged to home care, or staying in the hospital until the inevitable end comes.  We have much to discuss, so Dr. Haneef indicates he will give us some time to talk and will check back with us after he has completed his rounds.

“I want to go home, Mimi.  I know it may sound kind of ludicrous, but I don’t want to be anywhere that reminds me of how sick I am.”  He says once we are alone.

I take the seat beside him and look him in the eyes, nodding.  I simply say, “Okay.  So we go home.”

He looks a little startled.  “You’d come with me?  You’d move back into the house and stay?”

“Of course I will.”  I say.  “That’s where I belong.  Wherever you are, is where I am going to be.  Where your stuff is, that’s where my stuff will be too.  We’re married, it’s married, all one big happy family.”  I say, grinning and twirling my hand in the air.

He smiles and shakes his head at me, as if there is no hope for me and my particular brand of weird. 

“Okay, so we’re going home.”  I say.  “We’ll talk to Dr. Haneef about getting a visiting hospice nurse to come in and administer your pain medications and take care of any of your other medical needs that I can’t attend to.”

“Yeah…”  He begins.  “I love you, Mimi, and I know you want to help as much as you can, but there are just some things I can no longer do for myself that I don’t want you doing for me.”

I feel a little stung that he would want a complete stranger attending to his most private needs before me.  Doesn’t he think I could handle it?  While it wouldn’t exactly be a pleasure, it would be something I would lovingly do without a second thought.

“Mimi, stop.  I can see all the things running through your mind right now.  Do not let this hurt your feelings.  It’s humiliating enough letting a stranger do it, but if I had to let you do it, there would be no possible way to keep my dignity intact.  I need to keep what little this disease can’t strip me of, okay?”

I am immediately embarrassed.  Will I ever stop thinking about myself first?  In the last twelve hours, I have come to realize what a self-centered person I am.  If I were less me-centric, I wouldn’t have lost so much time with Vance.  There and then, I resolve to put any thoughts of myself, my feelings, my needs aside and focus on him and whatever he needs before anything else.

“I hate to admit it, but that never occurred to me.  Your hospice nurse has the dubious honor of attending to your bedpans, but I absolutely draw the line at sponge baths.  No matter how much you might object, that’s my territory.  You give me any lip on this and I will make sure I find the biggest, meanest, hairiest nurse out there.”  I raise an eyebrow at him, daring him to argue.

He laughs outright and shakes his head.  “And I was so hoping for a Jessica Rabbitt look alike.”

I shake my index finger at him.  “Keep it up, and I’ll see if Bertha from the airport moonlights.” 

He grabs hold of my finger and brings it to his lips.  He kisses the tip softly, before letting it go.  “I am so happy you are here, sweetheart.  My body may be weak, but I honestly haven’t felt this good in months.”

I lean over and kiss his mouth, whispering against his lips, “Me either, baby.  Me, either.”

Just then, the door opens and Miriam walks in.  She seems only slightly less hostile this morning than she did last night, in that she doesn’t look at me at all.  She smiles a little too brightly at Vance, coming over to take his hand and kiss his cheek.

“How are you feeling today, honey?”  She asks as she attempts to fluff his pillow.

He stills her with a hand.  “I feel great, Mom.  Sit down, stop fussing.  Say hello to Mimi.”

She looks at me finally and nods disdainfully, before turning back to Vance and taking the seat next to his bedside.  “When is Dr. Haneef supposed to come in?  I was doing some reading last night and there are some things I want to talk to him about…”

Vance puts a hand on her arm, stilling her mid-sentence.  When he speaks, his voice is soft and gentle.  He knows she’s not going to like what he’s about to tell her.  “He’s already been by, Mom.  They’re going to release me today or tomorrow.  It depends on when we can get all the necessary arrangements made.”

“What?  Releasing you?  Home?  No.  Absolutely not.  You need to remain here until you get better.  There’s no one to take care of you at home.”

I speak up.  “I’ll be taking care of him, Miriam.  Whatever care I can’t provide for him, we’ll have a hospice nurse on hand to give him.”

“Hospice is for people who have no hope, Mimi.  As long as he’s here, there’s hope.”  Her voice cracks on the last words.

Vance slides his hand down her arm, to hold her hand.  “Mom.  You have to accept that I only have a little time left.  Whether I’m here or at home is not going to change the number of days that I have.  I want to be home where I’m comfortable, not in a place that’s noisy and bright and smells funny.  Plus, even though all food tastes bad to me now, the food here is especially awful.”

“Vance, it feels like you’re just giving up and going home to die.  I can’t stand the thought of it.”  She sobs.

“Mother,” he says gently, “the only one fighting here is you.  It’s not that I’m giving up, it’s that you’re holding on to something that just isn’t there.  I’m in the end stages of a terminal disease, one that there has never been any cure for.  I know it’s hard to face, that’s why I ignored it for so long, but it’s almost time.”

She sobs harder as his words become softer, but more serious.

“It’s going to be soon.  I don’t know exactly when, of course, but you have to face the fact that before very long, I am going to be gone.  I don’t want to leave with the thought that you were still clinging to some unrealistic hope that I was going to pull through, that some miracle was going to save me.  I want you to be ready so that when the time comes to say goodbye, you can give me a kiss like you have every other time we’ve parted.”

I’m overcome by the emotion between the two of them and feel like this is a moment that should be just for the two of them.  I stand and kiss Vance’s forehead, then whisper to him that I’m just going to step out for a little while.  He nods in understanding and returns his attention to his mother, who has laid her head on the side of his bed, and continues sobbing as he strokes her hair.

As I leave the room, I find Justin hanging out in the hall, leaning against the wall next to the door.

“What are you doing just standing around out here?” I ask, wiping away the moisture still on my cheeks after listening to Vance talk to him mom.  “Why didn’t you come in?”

“Sometimes it takes a little bit of time for me to work up to it.”  He says without any hint of embarrassment.

I nod in understanding.  “I don’t recommend going in right now.  Vance just explained to Miriam that he’s decided to go home and she’s not taking the news very well.  I thought I should give them some time alone, so I’m going to the cafeteria to see if I can find some coffee and something that might resemble breakfast, in case you’d like to join me?”

“Sure, I’ll take a walk with you.”  He says as he falls into step beside me. 

“You seem to be doing better than I expected you to be.”  He says after we reach the elevators.

I think about his statement for a moment before responding.  “I was a wreck yesterday, but we did a lot of talking, which helped.  I know a large part of my current state of calm is due to my natural defense mechanism.  We have a plan.  I am good when there is a plan.  When I left Vance, that’s how I kept myself together—by making a plan for myself every single day and following it to the letter.  When that plan is finished…”  I break off as my emotions swell up into my chest and threaten to overwhelm me.  I swallow hard and push them away as forcefully as I can and begin again.  “When the end comes and I no longer have the plan to rely upon, well, then I guess that’s when it’ll all fall apart.”

The elevator doors open and we walk inside.  He presses the button for the ground floor and soon we are descending so slowly, I can barely feel the movement.  Or maybe I really am just numb and don’t realize it.

I clear my throat.  “Another part of my ability to appear okay right now, is that in some ways, I’m better than I was before.  It may sound strange, since I know I’m about to lose the love of my life forever.  But, I also got him back, you know?  I thought I lost him months ago, with no real understanding why, and my heart was shattered.  Now, I know I didn’t lose him, exactly.  This disease stole him from me in bits and pieces, until I couldn’t recognize him.  I’m angry because if I had known what was going on, I would have understood and we never would have been apart for those months.  I can’t do anything to change what happened, but I can make the most of the time we have left and I’m going to love him as hard as I can.  I’m grateful to have that.  I’m grateful to you for making sure I have the opportunity to do that.  Thank you, Justin.  You gave me back something I thought I’d lost forever.  I’ll always be in your debt.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Mimi.  I couldn’t let the worst happen without you knowing what was going on with Vance.  Not telling you when you wouldn’t listen to him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but he was so adamant that you be left alone.  It went against all my instincts, but you know I’d do just about anything for that guy.  In the end, it turns out I’d do just about anything for you, too, even going against the wishes of my best friend.  I knew once you found out that he was sick, it would change everything for you.  I didn’t want to know what it would do to you if it was after it was too late.”

The elevator doors open and we step outside into the lobby. As we walk toward the cafeteria, I can’t help imagining how horrific it would have been to learn about Vance’s illness after he had already passed on, to never have the chance to reestablish our connection and make amends.  I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to survive something like that, and thanks to the man walking next to me, I would never have to find out.  Stopping, I turn and throw my arms around his neck, sobbing in gratitude.

He staggers back a little, as his hands grab my waist to steady us both.  He lowers his head to my ear and softly hushes into it while rubbing my back, trying to soothe and calm me.  I’m sure he’s a little surprised at my delayed outburst, but I think he understands why I’ve suddenly thrown myself into his arms.  Just in case he doesn’t, I try to explain it to him through my tears.

“Justin, if you hadn’t, I don’t know what would have happened to me.  I don’t know if I could have lived through it if I learned none of it was his fault and I never gave him a chance to say he was sorry, or told him that I still loved him.  I never have to find out because of you.”  I grip his shirt in both of my hands and look into his eyes.  “I love you for that.   You had compassion for me when no one else did.  When everyone else blamed me for turning him away, you understood and didn’t judge me.  When everyone would have let us both suffer the ultimate loss without being able to love each other through it, you were there for us to make sure that didn’t happen.  You are exactly who Vance told me you were the day I met you, the most loyal friend a person could ever hope to have.  Even when I questioned that loyalty and wasn’t the best friend to you that I should have been, you were still there for me, making sure I never had to know that kind of devastation.  I love you, Justin, I really do.”

Oddly, his face takes on a wistful look, before he places his hand behind the back of my head and pulls me close, tucking my face below his chin.  He cradles me in his arms, rocking me side to side for a moment, before kissing the top of my head and letting me go.  His hands slide down my shoulders to my arms, before finally taking one hand in his and leading me the rest of way to the cafeteria without saying another word.  I think my words must have touched him in some way, and he’s just not sure what to say.  That’s fine, as long as he knows that I meant every word I said.

We each grab a cup of coffee and bagel, which seems to be the most edible thing in the cafeteria’s selection of food.  We find an empty table near one of the windows and fall into the chairs, not saying much of anything for the first few minutes.  Finally, I regain enough of my composure to resume the subject of our earlier conversation.

“What about you, Justin?  How are you managing through all this?  I know this must affect you more deeply than those other assholes he calls friends.”

“Don’t be too hard on them, Mimi.  They think you hurt him when he was vulnerable, and they’re just being protective.  They don’t know he tried to rape you, that he tried to kill you, so they don’t understand that your unwillingness to talk to him was just as much about fear as anger, if not more so.”

“How did you know about those things?  I never told you about that.  And for the record, he never tried to kill me, he only threatened to.”  I say, completely shocked that he knows.

“Did he or did he not choke you?  Vance admitted as much to me when I went over to confront him after I saw your bruises.  Even he couldn’t say whether or not he would have stopped if you hadn’t fought him off.”