Shattered Perfection (30 page)

“You mean, like your feelings, Justin?”  It feels odd, but I can’t help but poke him a little bit.

“Is that you, Peaches, trying to make fun of me?  Careful, now.  I might think there’s some hope for you after all,” he says, brandishing a meat fork at me.

I ignore his comment and try to distance myself from the changing mood of our conversation by asking if I can help prepare the meal.  He gives me some potatoes to wash and peel, which quickly devolves into an argument over how the potatoes should be prepared.

“You do not have mashed potatoes with steak.”  I insist.  “You have them with chicken.”

“What difference does it make?”  He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“Everybody knows you have baked potatoes with steak.  Although, since we’re having lobster tails, I’m thinking red potatoes probably would have been the more appropriate choice over russet,” I say thoughtfully.

“Are the food police going to show up and arrest us if we don’t have the right potatoes?”

“Hardy-har.  You just be quiet and handle your meat over there and I’ll take care of the vegetables,” I say as I grab a fork to puncture the potatoes.

I clap my hand over my mouth just as I hear him mutter, “I seem to be doing that a lot lately.”

“You know what I meant!” I shout.

Justin bursts out laughing.  “Yes, Peaches, I did.  It’s just been a long time since I’ve had a date.”

I begin wrapping the potatoes in foil as I say, “Really?  That’s unusual.  How long is a long time?”

“Longer than I care to admit.  I’ve been really busy recently, so there hasn’t been much time to meet anyone, and there isn’t anyone that I’ve already met that I’m interested in seeing again.”  He says as he rubs seasonings into the steaks.

“Do you have a lot of contracts you’re working on right now?  Is that why you’re so busy?”  I ask as I push him out of the way and pop the potatoes in the oven.

He nods and admits “I’ve also been spending a lot of time with my friends lately.”

Instantly, I feel guilty.  He’s trying to tell me that taking care of me like he does is interfering with his social life.  I need to stop relying on him so much and let him get back to his own life.  He doesn’t need to keep babysitting me, but if I tell him that, I know he will deny that’s what he’s doing.  I can’t be this selfish anymore by taking advantage of Justin’s good heart.  He has a lot to offer someone and currently I’m eating that up rather than letting him use his time to get out there and meet someone.  That’s going to change, pronto.

I keep my newfound realization to myself and allow myself to enjoy this last night in his company, as much as I’m able to enjoy anything these days.  To my surprise, Justin turns out to be a really good cook.   The steaks are cooked to perfection, the lobster is succulent, and the potatoes melt in your mouth, if I do say so, myself.  He also brought over a movie, a comedy, of course.  He’s always looking for a way to lift my spirits and this time I manage to muster a couple of chuckles.  He looks at me each time like the earth has moved. 

At the end of the evening, he gives me a hug at the door, as is his norm.  I hold on a little longer than usual, uncertain how I am going to manage a day to day existence without relying on him as much as I do.  I am resolved to putting distance between us so he can get back to his life, however.   

As I pull away from him, he looks at me quizzically.  “Everything okay with you, Mimi?”

“Sure.  I think I’m just a little tired tonight.  It must be all that good food making me a little sluggish.  It was fantastic, though.  I’m sorry I ever doubted your skills in the kitchen.  You’re going to make someone a very good wife someday, Justin Sever,” I say.

“Was that another attempt at humor tonight?” he asks, his eyes comically bulging from his head.  “I’m going to have to mark this on my calendar.”

“Oh hush, you,” I say, pushing him out the door.  “Have a good night.”

“Seriously though,” he says as he stands on my porch, “it was a good to see you relax and start to enjoy yourself a little.  I’ll give you a call tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll even convince you to get out of the house.”

“Don’t go getting all crazy now,” I say.

“Hope springs eternal,” he calls out as he walks down the walkway, toward his motorcycle parked at the curb.

I sigh as I close the door and lean against it, squeezing my eyes together to keep the tears that are forming from dripping down my face.  It was a mistake to lean on Justin as much as I have, as I’ve only delayed the inevitable.  I am well and truly alone now, and instead of learning to live with that knowledge all these months, I feel like I’m back to square one.  As if any ground I’ve gained since losing Vance is gone.  I lost Vance, and now I’m losing Justin.

As I’m lying in bed the following morning, I somehow get it in my head that I need a change of scenery.  That maybe if I begin a whole new life, I can escape the ghosts of the past that are always pressing in on me.  What were once treasured memories of time I spent with Vance that I gathered around me and clung to with a ferocity of a child with his security blanket, I suddenly cannot cast off quickly enough.

With the decision to leave town made, I have to determine where to go.  Getting up, I hurry to Vance’s office and boot up the computer.  I quickly navigate to a map of California and study it, looking for a city that might be ideal for a quick relocation.  Nothing jumps out at me.  I figure since I’m being impulsive, I might as well go all the way and make this a real adventure.  I pull up a map of the United States, close my eyes and point.  I open them when my finger touches the screen.  Initially, it lands on an ad for dating website.  I ignore the irony of that coincidence and try again.  This time, when I open my eyes, my finger is directly on Arizona.  I’ve been to Phoenix before, and thought it was a nice place.  Besides, it’s not that far from Los Angeles, so if I decide I’m too homesick, I can easily come back.  It seems like a smart choice in an otherwise completely irrational decision.

Looking at the clock, I see that it’s past nine o’clock, so business hours have already begun.  I look up property management companies so I can arrange to have someone look after the house while I’m gone.  I peruse rental listings in Phoenix, but ultimately decide I’ll stay in hotel for a while and look for a place once I get there.  There’s no way to tell what a neighborhood is like from a picture on the internet.

I make a list of things I’ll need to do to pack up my life here and begin anew in Arizona.  It’s not as long as I expected it would be.  I’ve withdrawn from the world so much, there’s very little beyond closing up the house, packing and letting the few people in my life know about my plans.  It’s pretty sad really, but I realize I’m already beginning to feel a little bit better because I finally have a plan to move forward, which is something I just couldn’t figure out before.

With such a short list, I figure I can accomplish all the tasks I have set for myself and be on my way within a week.  As I’m going over my list again to make sure I haven’t overlooked anything, my phone rings in the other room.  I run to grab it before it goes to voicemail, only to see that it’s Justin calling.  I have a moment of indecision before answering.  Last night, I had planned to avoid him for a while so he could go back to his own life without having me to worry about, but if I’m really going to leave, I have to let him know my plans.  As good as he’s been to me, I can’t just go without talking to him about it.  That would be too cowardly, as tempting as it would be to avoid the lecture I know I’m going to get from him.  In the end, I swipe my finger across the screen and answer his call.

“Hey, Justin,” I say with more enthusiasm than I normally do.

“Wow, you sound like a different person this morning.  What’s going on?”  He sounds concerned.

“I’m actually glad that you called.  Do you think we could meet somewhere?  Maybe go for a walk?”  I think meeting on neutral ground would be best for the conversation I need to have with him, for some reason.   

“Uh, sure, of course.  I want to think of these as good signs Peaches, you sounding better and wanting to get out of the house and all, but I have to say you’re worrying me,” he says.

“I’m fine, Justin.  I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking since last night, and I’ve come to a few decisions.  I just want to discuss them with you today.”

We arrange to meet at a nearby park in an hour’s time, because Justin is too antsy by my turn around in mood to wait any longer.  When I arrive, he is already there with a bag of take-out deli sandwiches in his hand.

“Why are you always trying to feed me?” I ask, motioning toward the bag, as we walk toward a grouping of picnic tables.

“Because I think you’d shrivel up and blow away if I didn’t,” he says.  “Honestly, Peaches.  How often do you eat when I’m not around to feed you?”

A pang of guilt hits me, because I’m reminded of how lost I’ve been since Vance died and just how much I’ve leaned on Justin.  He’s absolutely right, I probably would have starved if he hadn’t come around as much as he had bearing food.  I certainly wasn’t trying to do anything for myself.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” I say with conviction as we sit down.  “I’ve decided to make some changes.”

“I think that’s great, but I have to ask what brought this on so suddenly?  You did seem a bit better last night, but today it’s almost as if you are a new woman, or at least are trying to be,” he says and he unwraps his sandwich and takes a big bite.

“I’m not sure what started it,” I lie as I fidget with the paper wrapping my own sandwich, “it wasn’t as if I woke up this morning to some great epiphany.  I just decided that the reason I have been floundering like I have been is because I never made a new plan beyond breathing in and out.  I never went back to work, I never tried to do anything but exist from sun up to sundown.  It obviously wasn’t enough,” I pause and take a big breath.  “So, I made a new plan.” 

Justin nods patiently and waits for me to continue, chewing silently on his food.  I take a bite of my sandwich as I try to dig up the courage to tell him about my move.  The combination of rye bread and corned beef is dry in my mouth and forms a ball of glue-like paste as I chew.  I wish I had a drink to help me wash it down, but there’s nothing so I have no choice but to either force it down or try to discreetly spit it into a napkin and hope Justin doesn’t notice.  I take my chances with swallowing and pray I don’t choke in the process.

Once I have successfully downed the offending mouthful, I drop my sandwich and look at him for a few moments before saying quietly, “I’m leaving town for a while.”

He looks at me, confused.  “Where are you going?  And what do you mean, for a while?  A week?  Two?”

“I’m going to Arizona.  To live.  Indefinitely,” I say slowly.

He sits there, staring at me for a few beats, not comprehending what I’ve just told him.  Finally, it dawns on him what I mean and he explodes.  “You mean you’re moving?” he shouts, his eyebrows nearly reaching his scalp as he looks at me disbelievingly.

I look around to see if we’ve attracted the attention of any of the other people in the park, and he immediately lowers his voice.  “Have you finally lost your fuckin’ mind, Mimi?  I know how much you’ve been suffering since Vance died, but running away is not going to solve anything.  You can get back on track right here with the people who love you and are here to support you.  You already feel alone.  How is going somewhere where you really will be all alone going to help matters?”

“There are too many memories here, Justin.  Everywhere I look, I see Vance.  Everything reminds me of him.  I think a change of scenery will help.  Going to a place where there is no imprint of him on anything, where nobody knew him, a place where I can put some distance between myself and the past so I can do the breathing in and out thing without the weight of his loss constantly pressing down on me.  Can you understand that?”

He shakes his head, and looks me straight in the eye.  “Mimi, I promised Vance I would look after you.  How am I supposed to do that if you leave?”

I bolt up from my seat.  “That’s what all this has been about?  A promise you made to Vance?  I thought we were trying to be here for each other, and while I know I didn’t do such a bang up job of being there to comfort you, I didn’t realize you were just satisfying an obligation.  I thought you were my friend.  You should be grateful then that I’m letting you off the hook.  You yourself implied last night that your personal life is suffering from all the time you spend taking care of me.  Consider your promise to your dying friend fulfilled.  You can get back to your life with a clear conscience, because you did what he asked.  I’m taking over now, and no longer need you to look after me.”

With those words, I turn on my heel and run.  Justin calls after me, but I don’t look back.  I don’t know why his admission that he took care of me out of a duty to Vance hurt me so much, but it did.  Now, more than ever, I know I need to get the hell out of Dodge.

I put Plan Arizona into gear double time.  I pack up all of my personal belongings from the house and put them into storage.  I don’t want to risk a break in at the house while I am away, even though the property management agent will be checking on things.  The furniture and heavy items will remain, but the smaller items and valuables should have extra security, I think.  I have a night out with Grace, Jessica and Liz after informing each of them of my plans.  They were concerned at first, but after explaining my reasoning to them, they were all much more supportive than Justin and insisted we go out to celebrate my new adventure before I left.