Shattered Soul (12 page)

“Come on…” Calvin offered again.

I wanted one. I wanted to feel happy again like I had
only moments before. I wanted to feel something besides this
numbness that had settled inside me once I’d touched that door knob
and walked in.

“Come on, Seth, it’s been forever since you’ve done
some with us,” Jade persuaded.

I watched my brother’s hands continue to work their
magic. He chopped out the perfect line, long and thick. Calvin
reached for a cut straw and held it out to me.

“I’m feeling generous tonight, first one is yours.
Here,” he smiled. Not his normal shit-eating arrogant smile, but a
normal polite smile. I realized with a certainty it was all for
show.

Everything was for the brunette. To make her think
Calvin was nice, and to make her first time a good experience,
that’s how you hook someone with a willing soul. Someone who’s
looking for a good time, something a little stronger than what they
are used to doing. You create an atmosphere of happiness and fun,
mix it with the new drug their trying, and it creates an incredible
experience for them. Utopia.

A feeling they will try to reach again and again, but
never will be able to.

“What? You’d rather do a hot rail?” Calvin asked,
reaching for a small glass tube and lighter.

My heart pounded out his answer in my chest loudly,
yes! I watched the flame flicker as he heated the glass to the
perfect temperature. My heart beat faster and harder inside my
chest, my nails dug into my palms, and the remembered sweet taste
of burning meth coated the inside of my mouth.

“Just one…” Brent chimed in.

I wanted it so badly my mouth watered, but I couldn’t
do it. I couldn’t. I hadn’t done any since the last time I’d gotten
beaten up and I didn’t want to ruin the weeks’ long stretch I’d
gone without it now. I had to be strong. I tried to remember how
happy I’d felt moments ago without anything in my system at all. I
tried to remember Ali, my intoxicating new drug.

But, even as I thought these things…my feet were
moving forward. I was kneeling beside the edge of the coffee table
with one end of the tube shoved up my nose before I knew it.

I snorted and felt the burn and sting rush through my
nose and the side of my face. My eyes began to water. I pinched my
nose and silently congratulated myself on burning another hole in
my brain.

I exhaled a cloud of smoke and felt my moment of
weakness tingle its way through my brain. I felt it slowly begin
trickling into my veins, making its way throughout my entire body.
My heart rate spiked as a sudden energy rush overtook me and a
heady high gripped me, numbing my mind in a good way.

I dug in my pocket for my lighter, put the tube to my
lips and let the orange flickering flame kiss the glass once more
while I slowly inhaled, filling my lungs with as much as I could
handle. This time when I exhaled, I felt the tingling rush in my
chest and happiness buzzed through me.

“Wow…it’s crazy how much smoke comes out,” the
brunette said with wide, amazed eyes.

“Ready for yours?” Calvin asked her, a sly smile
twisting the corners of his lips.

I set the tube down, hating the fact I’d even touched
it. Even though I felt good, there was still that little part in
the back of my mind cursing myself for being so damn weak.

“Yeah…sure,” the brunette said, slipping off the
couch and onto her knees across the table from me. “What exactly do
I do?” she asked me with a nervous smile.

I couldn’t answer. I knew she was speaking to me and
her answer rested on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring
myself to open my mouth and speak. I didn’t want to be the one to
guide her through. It was bad enough I’d already showed her how
easy it was to use it. That alone was enough to rest on my soul for
now.

“Just put this end in your nose, be careful not to
touch this side, though, and skim over the top as you snort while
plugging your other nostril.” Brent answered, picking up the tube
I’d laid down.

The brunette bit her bottom lip while she listened to
him, staring intently at the line in front of her. She looked
nervous as hell.

“Okay…” she muttered, taking the heated tube from
Brent’s fingers, careful not to touch the hot end.

I watched her put it to her nose, and then hesitate a
moment before shakily skimming over the line, snorting hard as she
went.

“Now, blow out,” Calvin gently ordered once she was
done. As she did her eyes grew wide and a grin stretched across her
face.

“Whoa…” was all she said, and everyone laughed.

Everyone except me; all I could muster up was a
slight chuckle.

We all knew exactly what she was feeling. The
incredible rush of adrenaline, the weightless sensation that takes
over your body making you feel like you can fly, and the
intoxicating happiness. We laughed, because we could all remember
what it felt like our first time.

I glanced around, looking at everyone’s faces. They
were all waiting for their own small taste of what she was
feeling.

This was why I had merely chuckled, because she might
be feeling amazingly good right now…but no matter how hard she
tried, she’d never feel it that good again. And I was sure no one
had told her what it felt like to come down.

I guess in a way, I pitied her.

Over the next few hours, we finished nearly a gram
and I learned the brunette’s name was Kerri, that she was about to
turn twenty in five months, she’d broken up with her boyfriend of a
year and a half yesterday when she’d found him cheating on her with
her best friend since the second grade, and that she’d met Brent at
the gas station four hours later when she couldn’t, for some
reason, figure out how to get her locking gas cap off. They’d
talked and he’d offered to smoke with her…and now here she was,
sitting in my living room, chewing on a wad of gum, high as a
freaking kite, unable to stop talking for even a second.

Around ten the next morning, when we were all in
full-fledged tweak-mode, we heard my mom waking up. Everyone went
into hyper-drive, rushing to hide paraphernalia underneath couch
pillows and any place out of sight. It was comical really, how fast
we all scrambled.

I sat back down in front of the coffee table where
I’d been drawing on the same piece of paper for hours with a blue
pen. By now, the piece of paper was a mass of wicked looking
mushrooms, tall twisting grass, and a starry night sky. I’d gone
over places so many times and pressed so hard, the edges of the
paper had curled and everything was raised, giving the picture a
3-D effect.

I was staring at it, mesmerized and searching for
tiny imperfections, when Mom stumbled down the hall. She came to
the side of the couch and stopped. Her eyes shifted across each of
our faces. I didn’t raise mine to meet hers, I couldn’t, and I was
sure from the way she stomped off into the kitchen, no one else had
either.

The sounds which followed, echoing through the house
were normal. A cabinet door slamming shut, the freezer door being
jerked open, the loud clank of ice falling into an empty glass, and
the bangs of doors being shut with more force than necessary.

I didn’t understand why my mother even bothered
dirtying a cup when after she downed her first glass, she drank the
rest straight from the bottle anyway.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her step out of the
kitchen and pause long enough to light a cigarette while she glared
at us all again. She grumbled something I couldn’t make out under
her breath and began stumbling back down the hall, her liquid
breakfast in hand.

“That was a buzz kill,” Calvin smirked. Everyone
laughed, even me. “How about a quick bump before she comes back
out?”

I sat my pen down and cracked my knuckles, eager for
another one. Calvin pulled out the baggie he’d shoved in his shoe,
while the rest of us reached for the necessities we’d stashed away
in our panicked moment.

The round of lines were short, but still thick, and
Calvin went first. Mine was last, Calvin’s niceness must have been
wearing off. But, I couldn’t have cared less, as long as I got one.
Afterward, I sifted through the ashtray in search of another butt
to smoke.

“God, Seth. That’s just plain nasty!” Jade
scolded.

I grinned. “It’s not nasty.”

“Yes, it is. They taste stale and shitty. Here, have
the rest of my pack.” She tossed me her Marlboro Light box and dug
in her purse for a new pack.

I immediately noticed a tiny zip-lock baggie, with
three cloudy white crystals, tucked neatly into the front
cellophane. I opened the box, pulled out a cigarette and shoved the
pack into my pocket without hesitating.

“Thanks.” I grabbed the lighter off the coffee table.
If she didn’t remember her personal stash was in the box, then she
didn’t need it and I wasn’t about to remind her.

Three hours, two bumps, and one more sheet of paper
later, Calvin decided he couldn’t stand sitting in the house
another second longer. We scurried to clean up the living room
before we left.

I was the last one out of the house. I closed the
door behind me and looked up just in time to see Ali pulling into
the driveway. My heart lurched in my chest, feeling like it was
stuck in my throat.

“And who’s this?” Calvin asked.

I gathered instantly from his tone that he liked what
he saw and my feet raced forward, as though me making it to her car
before Calvin would stop the introductions somehow.

“Ali. This is Ali, my girlfriend,” I blurted out in a
strange voice that didn’t sound like my own.

“Girlfriend, huh?” Calvin repeated, one brow
raised.

Up to this point I’d never actually used the word
girlfriend around Ali before. I’d never even asked her if that’s
what she wanted to be…I just sort of assumed.

Hoping Ali didn’t mind the new label I’d placed on
her, I shifted my bulging eyes to gage her expression. Her lips had
twisted into a smirk, reassuring me completely.

“Hi,” she said, cutting off the engine and stepping
out.

A moment of silence passed while I stood staring at
her like an idiot. My heart pounded in my throat, I couldn’t
believe she was here. Now. When I was so messed up.

“Well, aren’t you going to introduce me, little
brother?” Calvin asked in a tone I classified as conceited, without
moving his eyes from Ali's face.

I didn’t like the way Calvin stared at her, like she
was fresh meat or something. I knew Calvin, and I didn’t have to be
in his head to know all the dirty things he was thinking while he
looked at her.

“Ali, this is Calvin, my brother.” His name tasted
bitter in my mouth.

“Nice to meet you,” he said flashing a charming smile
that pissed me off even more.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Ali replied, returning
his smile.

Anger burned through me. I wanted to get her away
from him, I wanted to protect her from him. He was fooling her by
putting on a show like he had done for Kerri. I could see right
through it, and I only hoped Ali could, too. I glanced at her, but
couldn’t be sure of what she thought of him.

Calvin didn’t look like scum, at least not to someone
who didn’t know him as well as I did. And he definitely didn’t look
like a full-fledged tweaker, yet. He was about four inches taller
than me with toned arms and a firm chest, he was only lazy when it
came to working at a real job and not at all when it came to
exercising or dealing. Only someone who knew him well enough would
be able to tell he’d lost a few pounds in the last few months. He
didn’t have scabs and sores all over from picking at his skin like
some tweakers do, and his teeth were all still good.

“We were just leaving, not sure where we’re going
yet…but you’re welcome to come along,” Calvin offered, his lip
twisting up at the corner into a crooked grin.

“No!” I said louder than I’d intended. “No, I think
we’re just going to hang out here.”

“All right, suit yourself,” Calvin uttered. His eyes
darted to mine and I caught a glimpse of annoyance directed towards
me. I almost smiled at him, must be hard pretending to be someone
you’re not all the time so people will like you.

“Later.” I took Ali’s soft hand into my clammy one
and started towards the front door.

Car doors slammed shut behind us and the start of
Mom’s engine relieved me. My relief only lasted a moment, because
then I realized who was still home—mom. And right now, she’d
definitely be smashed.

“Your brother seemed nice,” Ali said, once we’d made
it inside. “But, then I remembered the way you looked after he beat
you…and I know he can’t be that nice.” I smiled at her, grateful
she’d seen through him.

“Umm…I should warn you, my mom’s home and she’s
probably already downed half her daily fifth by now, so…” I trailed
off.

“Is she sleeping or something?” Ali asked glancing
around the living room.

I dropped her hand and wiped my sweaty palm across my
shorts. “Probably. Come on, we can hang out in my room.”

I sailed down the hall with Ali trailing closely
behind me, completely zooted, and paranoid that she could tell. My
door creaked as I opened it. I flipped on the light and closed the
door behind us, maybe mom would think no one was home. Ali raised
an eyebrow at me.

I grinned, remembering her parents’ rule. “No door
open rule in this house,” I said. Ali smirked and walked to sit at
the edge of my bed.

“So…this is your room, huh?” She leaned back on my
bed, propping herself up with her palms, and examined my room.

“Yeah, this is it,” I answered, absently tapping my
hand against my thigh.

“Hmm…” she breathed.

I glanced around. My room was nothing special. I had
a brown dresser against the wall to my left covered by a thick
layer of dust, an overflowing ashtray filled with pot seeds and
stems and old cigarette butts sat off to the side, and a mirror
hung above. A dingy white closet door halfway open was beside that,
and then there was my bed in the center, covered with a black and
gray striped comforter.