Shattered Soul (13 page)

“It’s not much,” I said, comparing it to her bright
and vibrant room in my mind as I bent to pick up a pair of boxers
and some dirty socks. I tossed them into the closet and closed the
door. “But, it’s a place to sleep.”

“No, it’s nice. I like it,” she insisted.

I swiped my hands across my shorts once more and
flopped beside her on my bed. “Glad you like it,” I said, trying
hard not to meet her eyes for more than a few seconds at a time,
afraid she’d notice how dilated my pupils were and ask why.

“Are you mad I stopped by or something?” she asked,
with her eyebrows drawn together.

“What? No!” I answered truthfully. I wasn’t mad. I
just didn’t want her knowing what I was on. “Why?” I asked.

She shrugged. “You seem…I don’t know…quiet or
aggravated. Or something.”

Paranoia surged through me. I reached into my pocket
for the piece of gum Kerri had given me earlier and popped it in my
mouth. “No, I’m fine,” I insisted, flashing her a grin that I hoped
didn’t look too phony.

“Okay.” She smiled, but I couldn’t shake the paranoia
from my mind.

“So…” I muttered, trying desperately to seem
normal.

“Is your mom going to check on you or anything?” She
glanced at my closed door.

“No, why?” I asked, my foot bouncing. I couldn’t lay
still any longer, I had to do something.

“I don’t know. I just don’t want her to be mad or
anything if she opens the door and sees me in here.”

“She won’t be,” I assured her.

“Good,” she whispered, her fingers reaching for
mine.

In the next instant, we were kissing. Her lips felt
so soft and they tasted of apples. Before I knew it was even
coming, I was pinned beneath her. Her legs straddled me, her hands
pressed against my chest, her lips crushed against mine. My hands
gripped her hips and my heart pounded so hard in my chest it
hurt.

But I didn’t care. I’d dreamed of this before, us
doing it. Hell, I’d even fantasized about it in class a few times.
But, that didn’t mean I actually thought it would ever happen.

I pushed one hand up the front of her shirt and began
easing my way upwards to cup her breast.

“Hold on,” she breathed in between kisses and pulled
away. I pulled my hand out from under her shirt and froze, hoping I
hadn’t done something wrong. “Your cigarette pack is jabbing me in
the leg,” she smirked.

My head fell back against my pillow and a slow smile
crept across my face. “Sorry,” I mumbled shifting underneath her to
dig it out. I tossed it on the bed beside us. “Better?”

“Much,” she whispered squeezing me between her thighs
to prove it. Her lips pressed against mine again and we picked up
right where we’d left off.

I grabbed onto Ali's hips and rolled us over, pinning
her beneath me. She giggled and I trailed my lips down her neck,
nibbling here and there.

“Ouch,” she chuckled in between kisses.

I lifted some of my weight off her. “What’s the
matter?”

“Your dumb cigarette pack, again, it’s stabbing me in
the back. Maybe it’s a sign you should quit,” she joked.

Ali squirmed beneath me, while struggling to pull it
out from underneath her. She held it up between us once she’d
gotten it and grinned.

“What’s this?” she asked, her eyes fixated on the
crushed box.

My thundering heart dropped to my stomach and I
sighed. I knew exactly what she was staring at before she’d even
flipped the box around for me to see, the stash Jade had forgotten
about; the meth I’d selfishly not reminded her of.

Now, karma was biting me in the ass for it.

I rolled off her and took the crushed box from her
fingers. I didn’t need to look into her eyes to see the panicked
shock pooling in their depths. I could feel it thickening the air
surrounding us, which was enough for me. I laid flat on the bed
beside her and stared up at my ceiling.

“Seth?” she prompted, rising to brace herself against
her elbows. “What is that?” she repeated.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. “Crystal
meth,” I answered. No point in lying.

Ali didn’t speak, she didn’t even move beside me.
When I finally opened my eyes to get a glimpse at her face, she was
staring at the box in my hand.

“Are you on it right now?” she asked, shifting her
eyes to mine. “Is that why you’re acting so strange?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. I nervously flipped the box
around in my fingers, unsure of which I wanted more at the moment,
a cigarette or another line.

She didn’t speak and neither did I. I continued to
toy with the box between my fingers, waiting for the moment when
she would get up and walk out of my room without looking back. But,
that moment never came…the silence just continued to drag on
between us for what seemed like forever.

“What’s it like?” she asked, breaking the silence and
shifting ever so slightly beside me.

“Uh…” I grunted, stunned.

I couldn’t believe Ali was asking me what it felt
like to be high on meth. Hell, I couldn’t even believe she was
still lying beside me. This should have been the very thing that
finally made her realize she was too good for me. Instead, it had
intrigued her, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel relieved by
it.

“How do you do it?” she probed even further when I
didn’t answer right away.

My gaze drifted to her face. “You snort or smoke
it.”

Her eyes rose to meet mine and locked on them
intently. “Which way do you do it?”

“Both.”

“What does it feel like?” Her gaze dropped back to
the box.

I stood up, the pack still in my hand, unable to sit
still for another second. I walked to the window and opened it
before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. I turned to face
her and leaned against the wall.

“Why do you want to know?” I wondered, feeling the
nicotine enter my body and loving it.

She shrugged. “Curious.”

I stared at her, bouncing my leg, not believing we
were having this conversation at all. I took another long drag
before answering. “It feels good.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course it does, people
wouldn’t do it if it didn’t make them feel good. I’m asking what
else. What else does it make you feel besides good?”

I wanted to blurt out it could make you feel amazing.
I wanted to tell her how much energy it gave you, how it made you
feel like you could do anything in the world…but, something kept me
from saying anything. I was nearly finished with my cigarette
before I answered her.

“Awake, energized, talkative, happy. You’re not
hungry at all and you couldn’t sleep even if you tried,” I said,
taking the last drag off my cigarette. I walked to my dresser and
put it out in the ashtray.

“Sounds fun.”

“Sure, that part is,” I agreed. “It’s the coming down
part that sucks. When your whole body aches from being so tense for
so long, and you feel horribly sick to your stomach because you
know you need to eat something, but you can’t; absolutely nothing
sounds good.” I watched her face in the mirror fall as she listened
to me speak the truth.

“Then, why do you do it?”

I grinned and turned to face her. “Because it feels
good.”

“Right,” she snorted. “In the beginning.”

I crossed the room and sat back down beside her.

“Yep, and that’s all that matters,” I insisted.

Ali sat up and folded her legs so she was sitting
Indian style beside me. “I want to try it,” she muttered.

A voice in the back of my mind told me not to let her
touch it, not to bring her into this part of my world, but it was a
tiny voice and my want, my need, for another line was louder.
Stronger.

“All right, if you’re sure.” My eyes locked on hers.
I wasn’t really double checking, because the fact was, whether Ali
did one with me or not, she’d just made it ok for me to have
another one right here in front of her.

“I’m sure,” she insisted with a crooked grin.

I stood and walked to my dresser for my tin box. “You
can’t go home tonight, I’m positive your parents will notice
something. So, you’ll have to stay with me,” I told her.

“No problem. I’ll call my parents and tell them I’m
staying at Kinsley’s.”

Ali bounced off my bed and out of my room, her cell
phone in hand, already punching buttons.

I shuffled around in my box before finding the tools
I needed. Anticipation twisted in my gut while I crushed one
crystal between a piece of paper and the end of my lighter. I could
already taste it on the tip of my tongue, I wanted it so badly.

The tiny voice in the back of my mind continued to
plead with me not to let her taste my poison. But, while I
continued chopping out our two lines…I ignored it, telling myself
everything would be fine, that it would only be this one time and
after this we’d never do it again.

“Everything’s cool. My parents think I’m at Kinsley’s
for a movie night sleep-over. I told them I’ll call sometime
tomorrow and check in,” Ali informed me, stepping to my side.

I scooted a razor around on a small mirror I have
specifically for this purpose, making sure both lines were straight
before I carefully licked the tip, enjoying the bitter taste on my
tongue.

“And they believed you?” I asked putting the razor
back in the box.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t they? I’ve never given them any
reason not to…well, until now.” She chuckled.

“You want to go first?” I offered.

She shook her head. “No, you.”

I didn’t hesitate, I picked up my own glass tube and
began heating it. Then, I put it to my nose and snorted. When I
came up, I exhaled a puff of smoke.

“Whoa…how does it do that?”

I sniffed and pinched my nose. “Magic,” I smirked.
“Your turn.”

“I’m kinda scared,” Ali admitted, while she watched
me heat the tube again.

“Don’t be. You’ll be fine. Promise,” I reassured her,
feeling my brain tingle as my high jolted to life again.

“All right,” she whispered, taking the tube from my
fingers with a shaky hand.

“Just put the unheated end to your nose, skim over
the top as you snort hard, and blow out when you’re done.” I told
her as I sucked down gobs of drainage. I watched her do exactly as
I’d said, and couldn’t help but feel excited.

With Kerri, I’d felt guilt-ridden and sickened by the
whole scene, the only reason I could come up with was because of
who she’d chosen to do her first time with and how she seemed to be
completely blind to the snakes which rested inside of my brother
and Brent.

With Ali, it was different. Her first time was with
me, and I’d never use her the way Calvin and Brent were sure to use
Kerri, just as they used Jade.

Besides, Ali was better than them. That I was sure
of. Ali was stronger. She’d been through a lot and hadn’t let it
break her. There was no way she’d ever turn out like either of
them.

“Ahh…it burns!” she choked out. She scrunched up the
whole right side of her face and her eyes began to water like
crazy.

I chuckled. “Yeah, forgot to mention that.”

She sniffled and made an awful gagging noise.
“Oh…”

I laughed. “Drainage…forgot to mention that, too.
Want some water?”

“Please!” she said, gagging again.

I left the room, smiling from ear to ear. Now Ali and
I had no secrets between us. She liked me for who I was, accepting
both my strengths and my weaknesses.

When I returned with Ali's glass of water, she was
standing in the same place, only now her hand gripped the edge of
my dresser.

“You all right?” I asked, handing her the water.

She took it and swallowed two greedy gulps before
speaking. “Just trying so flipping hard to not gag again.”

“It will pass in a second,” I promised. “So, you
wanna play a card game?”

“The only card game I know how to play is war.”

“War is fine.” I dug out a pack of playing cards from
in my sock drawer and sat down in the middle of my bed.

Ali awkwardly sat in front of me, tucking her feet
beneath herself. “I haven’t played this game since Jacob was
seven,” she said, pulling on a stray thread of my comforter while I
dealt the cards out.

“I haven’t played in a while, either.” We fell into
an awkward silence.

By the end of the second game, Ali could hardly sit
still and I was feeling anxious from being in my room for so long.
We went to the living room for a change of scenery, completely
forgetting my mom was home.

“Wow, you guys have so many movies,” Ali said.

“Well, when you have no cable or satellite…” I
said.

“Right,” Ali muttered. “That sucks.”

I shrugged. “What do you wanna watch?”

Ali picked something and handed it to me. I didn’t
look to see the title because it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be
watching it anyway, and chances were, Ali wouldn’t be after the
first five minutes, either.

I grabbed a notebook and pen from on top of the DVD
stand and flopped down at the coffee table to draw. It wasn’t long
before Ali got bored with the movie she'd chosen and asked for a
piece of paper and pen. We drew, uninterrupted and without talking,
until Mom stumbled down the hall and into the kitchen, mumbling. I
only managed to make out, “Damn TV.”

“What should I do?” Ali whispered from beside me.

“Nothing,” I said. “She’ll go back to her room in a
minute.” At least I hoped.

After clanking around in the kitchen for a while and
muttering a slew of curse words about various things, Mom did
eventually go back to her room, without noticing Ali at all. I was
glad, because the last thing I needed was for her to start ranting
about Ali being a little rich girl who’d realize she was better
than me soon.

“Wanna do another one?” I asked.

“Sure.” Ali smiled.

We walked back to my room and I closed the door
behind us. Ali and I used up all three crystals over the remainder
of the night. Calvin and the others never came back; I assumed they
had found some other place to continue their partying, and Mom
never realized Ali was even there.