She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy (17 page)

He stepped lightly up the stairs to the loft in Jack's house. Bethany was his best option of getting a handle on his current situation. “Hey, you busy?"

She rolled the desk chair, so she could see around the computer monitor and glared at him. Apparently, she was not as forgiving as his wife this morning. “You."

"Yes, me.” He stepped up the few remaining stairs and into the loft. She stood, planted her hands on her hips, and stared at him. “What?"

"I'll tell you what! You, you ran out. I still can't believe it. I really want to put a foot in your ass this afternoon, but I am sure she already has.” Bethany raised her right arm and pointed and shook her finger at him. She finished by crossing her arms over her chest.

"Nope. She's ‘fine.’ And here you are ready to take my head off. So, what does that tell you?” He strolled over and took a seat.

"Excuse me?” She turned to look at him. Jack sure found himself a handful, and not because she was a beautifully voluptuous woman, but because she was tough under all those frilly clothes she wore.

"This isn't easy, what I'm about to do, but I don't suppose you could hold off on putting your foot in my ass until after I ask a favor, could you?” He hated asking anyone for anything. He really hated asking a woman for advice.

"Depends on the favor.” Bethany tapped her right foot and raised a brow.

"I need help. I know I messed up. I know she should be mad at me. I am pretty sure she should be upset about her mother even if they didn't have a strong bond. What I don't know is what to do.” He opened his eyes, not realizing he closed them until he was finished talking. Her foot stopped tapping, and her evil glare turned softer and more concerned.

"What do you mean, exactly? She hasn't said anything about any of it?” Bethany walked to her desk chair and sat down.

He shook his head. “I know you're mad at me. I understand that. I made a mistake. How long can she live in denial?"

Bethany snorted. “I lived in it for thirty years. She can ignore it until she can't. Until something or someone forces her to face the truth. Her mother is dead, and her husband, well, you're still a good man. You just surprised me at how stupid you could be."

"If it helps, I thought she ran out on me again,” he tried to explain.

"No.” She shook her head. “It doesn't help. If you thought she ran out on you, you should have told us before taking off. Instead, you trusted no one. The reason she ran out the first time was because you didn't trust her, and the reason you ran out this time was because again, you don't trust her. If you did, you would have asked one of us. We waited and waited for you. Then, we had to lie to her while worrying about you."

Finally, the reality of it all sank in. Everyone should be pissed at him. Here he was living his life as the responsible one and he did the most irresponsible thing of all. “I didn't think of it like that."

"Well, think about it.” She was back to being cross with him. “I'll talk to her. Maybe some of my anger will rub off on her."

"Gee thanks.” He stood. “Could you maybe not tell anyone..."

"Don't push your luck. It's bad enough Rafe came banging down the door to have Jack's ass for not telling him. I was nice and cozy till then.” She looked off and half smiled in her memories. “When I thought Jack was going to leave me, or kick me out, I felt lost. Truly lost. I'm not saying I need him to know who I am. I'm just saying I didn't know who I could be until I met him."

"And you think she's lost?” he pondered the thought.

"I think you are.” Bethany shook his thoughts right out of his brain.

"What? Me?"

"Yes. You.” She pointed at him. “You can't see the difference she has made in your life because you're stubborn. You can't keep your eyes off of her. You smile a hell of a lot more now that she's around. If you want to know what I think, it's because you're happy. And being happy for real, having what you always wanted, scares the shit out of you, Heath Johnson. I know. It scared me, too."

He thought about her words all the way back to the house. If being happy and having what he wanted scared him, how did it feel to her? Surely she was afraid of it, too. And what about the trust issue? He scoffed. He trusted his brothers; he wasn't used to having to account for his whereabouts all the time.

"Missed you at dinner,” Chance said as she sat next to him on the couch. She could tell by his expression he was in a mood. “What did you eat?"

"Sandwich.” He picked up the remote and flipped the channel.

She looked at his profile. Damn, he looked good. He should still be kissing her ass for the stunt he pulled; maybe he needed a reminder. She traced her finger along his thigh. “So, you're not hungry. Is there anything else you might need?"

He stopped her hand on his thigh and patted it before removing it completely. “I would like to catch the news for a change."

"The news?” Her mouth dropped open. He was really acting like nothing happened. Like he didn't leave her in a great time of need. “You don't want to spend time with
me
? You don't think after what you did I don't deserve a little more attention?"

"I thought you were all right with it. You know, you made a mistake, I made a mistake, no big deal right?” He briefly took his eyes off the television to look at her. He winked before turning his attention back to the screen.

"What?” Her temper and something else was barely leashed.

"Hmm?” He didn't look at her.

"You big—jerk!” She stood up. “I worked my ass off today, and I came home to spend time with you, and here you are ... after running out on me, scratching my bike...” Oh the thought of him kicking her bike really pulled emotion to the surface. “That's right. You did that to my bike, didn't you?"

A look of satisfaction crossed his features. Was he enjoying this?

"Why? Why the hell did you do that to my bike?” She picked up the remote and turned the television off.

"Hey."

"Don't you even. I will throw this thing right into the screen.” She pulled the remote back like a football. He held up his hands and sat back.

"I thought you left me.” He looked up at her. “I was so mad at you I couldn't see straight. I kicked the bike on my way out."

"You still don't trust me, do you? You don't trust that if I leave, I will come back. My mother died, Heath!” she shouted it at him, and the reality of her situation sank in.

"And you left without me. You don't trust me either.” He stood to tower over her. “I should have been the first to know, and I should have been with you. Whenever you face a challenge, you put everyone ahead of me. Your sister needed you. Okay, I get that, but did you have to go right then? I would have went with you!"

"I know!” she screamed. Of course, he would have gone with her. Somewhere between Star insisting they leave right away and her own admittance to needing him she became aware of the truth.

"So, why did you go?” He planted his hands on his hips. “Why did you leave without me unless you were testing me?"

"And you failed, didn't you?” She covered her mouth after the words came out.

"No. I gave up. There is a difference.” He sat back down and looked at her. “I was afraid of you leaving me when I went out to Bobby John's. Each day I went to work, I told myself I was ready if you weren't here when I got home. When it happened, I just lost it. I wanted to rip this house apart, but somewhere I think I knew. I honestly think I was running from myself now, not you."

"Why would you do that?” She lowered her hand from her mouth.

"When you have everything you want, your only fear is losing it. For so long, all I wanted was you. I stopped wanting anything for me. When I told you that day by the lake, I was right where I wanted to be. I didn't lie.” He looked up at her. “This is all I want. The ranch, you, a couple kids, to live and die on this land. What do you want?"

"This is about you running out. Don't turn it around on me.” She stood there angry. “You know damn good and well what I want. I don't want this baby to grow up without a father. I don't want to fight all the time. I don't want to end up like my mother!"

There it was.

"Oh God. Heath, I don't want to end up like her. It's scary. She was normal, and then out of nowhere, everything changed.” She began to cry. “I hated her, but I loved her. And now she's dead. I can't go back. I can't fix it. I told her never to call me again. She didn't. And now she can't."

"Are you afraid of being happy?” he asked.

"I don't know,” she answered truthfully.

"I am.” He held out a hand to her.

"Why?” She took his hand, and he pulled her into his lap. Cradling her like a child, she sobbed against his neck.

"If I have nothing, I have nothing to lose. I have you. I have everything. When this baby comes along, I have more. The fear of losing you, this child, I never realized what a chicken shit I was till I thought you left me.” He lifted her chin and leaned back to look at her. “You scare me sometimes."

"Yeah, well, same goes for you.” She sniffed. “What are two emotionally unstable people to do?"

He laughed. “Not give up. I can learn to trust you. Hell, I don't know if I ever trusted anyone, including you. You can learn to trust me. We have nine months to get it together, so we don't screw this kid up like our folks did us."

She smiled, sniffed. “It's more than just loving someone, isn't it?"

"Apparently so.” He placed his forehead against hers. “I want more than love."

"Me, too.” For the first time in her life, she realized love was one layer. Trust, faith, and effort made a good relationship. Heath loved her. She loved him, but they both carried so much baggage. Neither of them wanted to unload those fears and doubts on a new life, one they created. The responsibilities they faced were greater than the lust or passion they shared. They were officially grown-ups.

"I thought last weekend was the big weekend.” Chance looked at Rafe.

"Soon.” He held up his hands. “Don't tell anyone all right?"

"My lips are sealed.” Chance handed him a plate covered in foil and closed the refrigerator. “You sure you don't want anything else? I'm finished for a few hours; then I'll be back to start dinner."

"No, this is great. You should come see the baby. He's trotting around like he owns the place.” The new horse brought a great deal of attention to the stables. The mother and her colt shared a private fenced in area that allowed them to go into their stable or out anytime they chose. The young male was a show horse by nature, prancing around when people came to look at them.

"I need a nap first.” Her body was tired.

"Okay. Take it easy.” He waved then headed out.

Chance headed toward the house when a loud rumbling caught her attention. She stopped and turned to see Heath pulling out of the barn on the big John Deere. The nap could wait.

"Come on up, little lady.” Heath held out his hand, and she climbed on board.