Shifted By The Winds (70 page)

Robert smiled as he stepped forward and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?”

Amber giggled harder. “There is no music, Robert!”

“That has never stopped me yet,” Robert assured her. He began to hum softly as he held out his arms. Amber’s eyes widened, but she let him take her hand before he put the other one on her waist. “Have you ever waltzed?”

Amber shook her head. “I’ve heard about it, though.” Her eyes were bright with anticipation.

“Just follow my lead,” Robert told her. “You’ll catch on in no time.”

Carrie watched, her heart swelling with love as her tall husband carefully led Amber around the room in her first dance, his humming filling the air.

Moses held out a hand to Felicia who reached for it with a grin. Moments later they were imitating Robert and Amber.

John sidled up to Carrie. “What about me, Carrie? Don’t I get to dance, too?”

Carrie smiled down at him. “Of course you do,” she assured him. “You’re never too young to learn how to dance.” She led him out into the parlor and began to instruct him in the simplest moves of the waltz. He giggled helplessly, but did his best to follow her directions.

“Mama?” Clint asked. “I don’t really know how to waltz, but we can at least move to Robert’s humming.”

Polly grinned and reached for his hand. “I would be honored.”

Moments later Gabe moved out onto the floor with Annie at the same time Morah glided past with her son.

Rose rocked peacefully as Hope snuggled to her breast.

Flames flickered as a huge fire roared in the fireplace.

Carrie looked around the room, certain her heart would burst with happiness.

“Any regrets?” Janie asked as she and Carrie strolled down a path toward the river. The skies were threatening snow, but so far the threat had not been realized. The frozen, bare ground crunched beneath their feet as the wind rattled the limbs over their heads. They had asked if others wanted to join them, but their incredulous looks made it plain everyone else wanted to hunker down around the fireplace and wait for the first flakes to fall.

“About coming on the walk?” Carrie asked.

“About staying home from school,” Janie clarified.

“None,” Carrie said, thrilled when she realized how completely she meant it. “Every minute of my time here has been so special.”

Janie smiled. “Have you gotten any studying done?”

“Not even one little bit,” Carrie admitted. “Granite loves our long rides around the plantation, and Robert and I have talked about so many things.” She was uncomfortably aware that she had so far avoided talking to her husband about the topic she wasn’t ready to discuss, but she pushed that thought aside. “I’ve had wonderful times with Rose, I beat Moses in a horse race…”

“Like he ever stood a chance,” Janie snorted.

“I tried to tell him,” Carrie said with a shrug. “He insisted.”

“What was his payment for losing?” Janie asked with a grin.

“I made him agree to get up when Hope cried for the four nights after the race so Rose could get some sleep.”

Janie laughed, the sound ringing through the trees and settling down on them like a blanket.

Carrie grinned. “It’s only fair. The harvest is long done, but Rose was still getting up every day to teach school.”

“Did he protest loudly?” Janie asked with anticipation.

Carrie gave a mock frown. “He didn’t protest at all, which somewhat diminished the victory, but Rose definitely looked more rested after the four days, and she was deeply grateful.” Her frown was captured by another smile. “I declare, Moses absolutely dotes on that little girl. I think he was glad for a reason to spend more time with her, even if it meant doing it in the middle of a cold winter night.”

Janie smiled wistfully.

Carrie raised a brow. “What is that smile about?”

Janie hesitated and looked away.

Carrie felt a twinge of alarm. “Janie, is something wrong?”

“No,” Janie said quickly. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been thinking quite a bit about having children lately,” she said.

“Is that a bad thing?” Carrie asked.

“Not at all, but first I have to get married…”

“And you’re still afraid.”

Janie looked away again before she swung her eyes back. “I know it’s silly.”

“It’s not silly.”

“But it is,” Janie cried. “Matthew is the most wonderful man I know. He loves me so much, and I know without a doubt that he would never hurt me. He also encourages my independence. I know he would never try to take it away from me.” Her voice trembled as she added, “He’s perfect for me.”

“Then why won’t you marry him?” Carrie asked.

They broke out of the woods and onto the bank of the James River. Carrie smiled as she watched chunks of ice bob along in the gray waters, the sluggishly moving river seeming to blend seamlessly into the clouds hovering low over its surface. Janie walked up to the edge of the river and stared out over the water.

Carrie could tell her friend’s fists were clenched in her mittens. “Janie?” She reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m scared,” Janie admitted in a low voice, every word coated with pain. “I hate it, but I’m scared.”

Carrie thought about the many times she had heard Janie give the same excuse for her refusal to marry the man she loved. She thought about the aching desire she saw in Matthew’s eyes when he looked at his fiancée. She knew he was willing to be patient, but she also knew how hard this was for him. The time for sympathy was over. “So Clifford wins after all,” she said flatly.

Janie spun around to stare at her. “I thought you said you understood.” Anger laced her voice.

“I did,” Carrie agreed. “And then I realized my understanding was simply allowing you to keep living in your fear.” She wondered if she was doing the right thing when she saw Janie flinch, but she forged ahead, her instincts telling her to keep talking. “Clifford’s abuse left you with fear, but it is your own choices that are
keeping
you in fear.”

“How would you know?” Janie snapped.

Janie’s anger made Carrie realize just how close she must be to the truth. “Fear is fear,” she said. “You are letting your fears keep you from something absolutely wonderful. So even though Clifford is no longer in your life, he is still controlling you every day because you are letting him. Is that really what you want, Janie?”

Janie gasped and turned away, her rigid shoulders revealing her fury.

Carrie waited quietly, thinking of all the times Janie had helped her work through her own fears. It was natural to be angry if you were challenged to let go of something you believed was keeping you safe. She knew she couldn’t really understand what Janie had been through, but she completely understood what her friend was missing by holding Matthew at arm’s length. She began to shiver as the wind picked up on the river, kicking the calm surface up into whitecaps that blended with the ice chunks, but still she waited.

When Janie finally turned to look at her, her eyes were swarming with tears. “I want to stop being afraid,” she whispered.

Carrie moved forward and clasped Janie’s hand firmly. “Then do it.”

Janie blinked and looked away. “How?” Her whisper was a cry for help that was picked up by the wind and whisked into the clouds.

Carrie was glad the waiting had given her time to think about what her answer would be. “Change the story.”

Janie turned her eyes back. “Change the story?”

“Yes,” Carrie said. “You have allowed the memories of Clifford to become the only story playing through your mind. Every time you think about marriage, you think about his anger and abuse. Of course it scares you.” She took a deep breath, praying she would say the right thing. “Every time that story starts, you need to stop it and tell yourself another one. The new story should center on how wonderful your marriage to Matthew will be. You’re going to tell yourself the story of what it will be like to crawl into bed with him every night.”

Janie blinked again, but the tears had disappeared in the wake of a new light in her eyes.

“You’re going to tell yourself the story of what it will be like to bear Matthew’s children… To watch him hold your babies… To hear the laughter of your family in your home.”

Janie held her free hand up to her heart. “Oh, Carrie… That is what I want more than anything.”

“Then go get it,” Carrie said. As she watched, she saw the shadow of fear begin to creep back into her friend’s eyes. “Tell yourself a different story right now,” she commanded. The shadow retreated as Janie obeyed. “It will take some time,” Carrie continued, “but it won’t take long.”

Janie’s eyes sought hers. “It won’t?”

“It won’t.” Carrie’s voice was loving, but firm.

Janie stared at her. “How do you know?” Her voice trembled with hope.

Carrie chuckled. “I’ve lost count of the times I have let fear stop me from doing something. You have helped me so many times.  It was Abby who taught me the power of telling myself a different story. When I keep telling it to myself, the new story becomes my reality, and it washes away the fear so that I can move forward.”

Janie listened intently. “I will do it,” she promised.

“Starting now?” Carrie pressed.

“Starting now,” Janie said, her eyes glowing with determination.

Carrie eyed the smoke coming from the chimney.

“We could be inside where it’s warm if you want to change your mind,” Marietta offered.

Carrie smiled. “Too soft for a little winter weather?”

“Certainly not!” Marietta retorted, her blue eyes flashing with fun. “Where are we going?”

Carrie nodded toward the barn.

Marietta narrowed her eyes. “You made me put all these clothes on and come out into this cold just for a stroll to the barn?”

Carrie felt a flash of remorse, but it was quickly followed by the excitement of her idea. “I did, but you’ll understand why in a few minutes.”

The barn, protected from the wind by sturdy walls, felt almost warm in contrast when they walked in. The horses snuffled a greeting, but quickly turned back to their feed. Carrie had seen Clint leave the stable just minutes before she invited Marietta for a walk, so she knew they would have some privacy.

Marietta turned on her as soon as they walked inside. “Out with it,” she ordered. “Why are we here?”

Carrie spoke quickly, not at all certain someone wouldn’t choose to follow them.

When she finished talking, Marietta was already bobbing her head up and down. “Absolutely. Yes!”

“It might not happen,” Carrie reminded her again.

“But if it does…” Marietta murmured. She clapped her hands with delight.

Smiling, they clasped hands and walked back to the house.