Shine (23 page)

There’s wonderment in Al that I love—as if a new thing has just happened when he sees an old thing that strikes him as wonderful. Al knows museums and great art and architecture and finance. He’s not so good at pop culture. There are great movies he’s never seen or even heard of. But I know pop culture, and I
drew him into that world in which there are things that are maybe not so great, but, honey, great to me—stuff I wanted to teach him about. Like, my favorite TV show is
Law and Order.
I watch every one. At that, he rebelled. My husband heard
dum dum,
and he’d say, “I can’t be in this room with you because then I’ve got to hear that
dum dum
again, and it means
Law and Order
is coming on.”

But sometimes, secretly, he found himself getting caught up in the story. Then within five minutes, he’d say, “Baby—I’m just confused, why would they do that?”

And I’d have to explain to him, it’s just television’s dramatic license. In the end, we learned to share all this and have such fun doing it because we were taking a vacation from sex. I’m convinced of it.

Actually, the final weeks of our vow were a piece of cake because we saw the home stretch and were planning the wedding.

The Wedding

I wish I had the power to describe to other women the feeling I had when I was getting ready on my wedding day, making all the intimate preparations that women who have traditionally done through the ages as they get ready for intimacy. I had taken a long bath, had a sensuous massage and a gorgeous body scrub. I put on lingerie that my husband-to-be had never seen, and applied scented oil and creams he’d never smelled on my body. As I prepared, I can remember listening to music and smiling, and I felt a bond with brides of centuries ago.

And finally, I’m at the back of the church in my long, white dress, and I see Al looking at me way at the end of the aisle, and
his face was magnificent.
The only thing I could think of is that if anything ever goes wrong, I’ll always have this moment. I saw his face and I knew we’d done what we’d said we were going to do, and I was filled with love.

Give me chastity…but not just now.

ST. AUGUSTINE

If you think you want to try a temporary celibacy, unlike St. Augustine, now, today is the time to start. Let me help you. Here’s what it takes to do it:

Remember—it’s never too late

Biblically, you’re supposed to come to your husband having not known anyone else. Yeahhhhh, right. Once you reach a certain adult age—I was forty—that nice thought may be just a fleeting memory and impossible. But you can decide at any age to cleanse yourself of past relationships, to be pure for true love to come.

Only date guys who respect your views:
look for them in all the right places

The last thing you want to do is have a fight with the new man in your life every time he feels amorous. I’ve said it a million times, and here it is again: you’ve got to find a guy who shares your core values, and I’m not just talking about sexuality. You’ve got to move in tandem with the man of your dreams, share deep beliefs. Even if you come from a blue state and he from a red state, you’ve got to find ease, not friction, in talking about your differences. Make no mistake: there
will
be differences—no man is your clone. But differences in opinion ought to make life together more intoxicating, not more stress filled.

Go looking for such a man in places where you want to end up together. For example, if you love sports as I do, then you should hang out at sporting events where like-minded men will be found, and where you wish to be found after you meet the guy of your dreams. If you like volunteerism, join a board in a local community organization because you’ll meet men and women there who think as you do. Participate in annual charity events, luncheons, and dinners, and volunteer to serve on a committee. Volunteer to do something you’ve never done
before—organize a fund-raiser, edit a newsletter for a neighborhood group. Step outside your box and look around for others who have done the same thing.

For example, I’m very involved with the Rush Philanthropic Arts Foundation Art for Life projects founded by our friends Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. Art for Life brings the visual and performing arts into the lives of children from low-income communities. Although this is good enough reason for you to get involved in the amazing organization, you can’t imagine how many attractive single men also belong. I also participate in Girls Incorporated because I’m interested in mentoring young women, and you might also volunteer in such a group or your local Boys and Girls Club because there are many swell men who also volunteer. Volunteer to help staff a political base of your choosing during election fever: I guarantee you there will be nice men looking for
you
at these venues. Try something new—take a writing or a photography course, take a nature walk. Attend services at your local church, synagogue, or mosque if you feel spiritual pulls to these groups—and assume there will be single guys present feeling the same pull.

I do not think you should go at all of this with the sole goal of meeting a man. That puts too much pressure of the wrong sort upon your shoulders, and trying new things is a huge reward all by itself. But if you enlarge your life and enhance your heart and soul with participation in such activities, a like-minded guy with whom you can be equally yoked sitting right near you would be a strong possibility (more on yoking on page 149).

If he’s the right guy, he will go with you on the same journey. If he’s not the right guy, it’s better you find out now.

Don’t advertise what’s not on the market

I believe when a woman says no, it’s no, but it’s still your responsibility not to send mixed signals. If you want to remain celibate, don’t wear the low-cut blouses and tight pants that may be misinterpreted. And need I say it, keep your clothes on. Be responsible for the messages you convey. Now, with my husband, I wear some of the tightest jeans on the planet and very low cut T-shirts, and I’m aware that sometimes when he’s talking to me, he’s talking right to my chest. But when you’re ready for true love, if you feel you want to enter into a tempo
rary abstinence from sex to purify yourself, refresh your sexual desire, or learn to experience the joys of love in alternate ways—you can wait to wear the sexy clothes and speak in sex-laden doublespeak. You can wait for the tight jeans, even wait for the Manolo Blahnik high heels. Their time will come.

Keep control—of drugs, alcohol, and mouth

Before I met Al, I had one big rule that I followed without exception: never go out drinking in a public place without somebody along with you. I liked to refer to that person as my wingman, someone who’s on my wing, who has my back. That way, if your wingman (who also can be your best girlfriend) sees you’re drinking a little too much, or notices that someone else has slipped a little inducement into your drink, or you’re starting to sound a little louder or more sexy than usual, she’s going to say, “Okay, Kendra, let’s go.” And, if you don’t have a girlfriend, get one. Sitting at a bar by yourself puts you in a vulnerable, potentially out-of-control situation.

And remember, I’m a big old prude, the last forty-three-year-old in America who’s never smoked a joint, but if you do, have Kendra there to watch your back so you don’t end up looking like Party Girl Central, when all you want to do is have fun. If you’re acting like those girls on
Girls Gone Wild
videotapes and flashing your breasts to the camera, and a man comes over and touches you inappropriately, well, you need to expect that you’ve told him you’re a Girl Gone Wild. Okay?

And the mouth: don’t use foul language—certainly when in new relationships. Don’t throw out come-on, cutesy phrases. It says stuff about you that may or may not be true, but can’t be helpful in retaining your celibacy.

If you have a failure experience, if you slip and do the deed and hate yourself in the morning…

Start all over. The Bible says that a just man can fail seven times—I translate that into a just woman can also fail seven times. If you go back with a penitent heart, you can start all over. But you can’t go back and say, “Okay, I slipped on Tuesday, and I’m going to slip again on Thursday because this really cute guy asked me out…” No, noooo, darling, that’s not a penitent heart.

Remember the benefits—especially when you’re tempted

Number one benefit:
You can prove to yourself that you’re in control of your body—a nice thing for any woman to know.

Number two benefit:
Temporary abstinence opens doors to new ways of love and lovemaking. It actually enhances the physical act of sexual intercourse—
when
you’re ready.

Number three benefit:
You can stop worrying about AIDS, venereal disease, or pregnancy.

Okay—there are other ways

One last word about all this: it’ll come as no shock to realize you can certainly enjoy dating in a moral context, even if you don’t subscribe to my temporary abstinence view. Still, when you’re preparing to meet a man with whom you can fruitfully spend the rest of your life,
know that it still helps to be as good a girl as you can manage.
You know what a good girl is, you know when you are acting the way you hope your daughter would act. I don’t have to spell that out, children, do I?

What I can say without reservation is that
everyone
should subscribe to certain basic tenets of making great, lasting moral connections.

An unlikely person recently said it best:

The CEO Speaks

Here’s some relationship advice I love even though it comes from an unusual source, Jack Welch, the legendary chairman and chief executive officer of General Electric, who has had his own share of glare in this area. He says that intimate relationships should be managed in the same way great business relationships are managed, and that is with candor, transparency, and celebration. This is what I think he means.

Candor

Be straight, be honest with the men you date, and you have the best chance of ending up in a morally responsible relationship. I believe that you must never be afraid to say what’s in your heart and mind—even if it’s not particularly flattering to a date or politically correct. Sometimes, I guess, I get in trouble with that in my public life, but truth telling has always been a great road to travel with the men in my life. Heck, if I did it even more, I probably wouldn’t have screwed up so much. I like people whom I
might
eventually love to know how I feel about things. What’s the point of wasting time acting like someone you’re not?

There’s one caveat here: if you give out your truths, you must also be prepared for the other person to come right back at you with his honesty. Take it on, sister—listen to the brother. It’s like being a sponge and that’s cool: as a sponge, you can soak up all the stuff you need, and then, wring out the excess. You can wring and wring and wring, but you’ll never wring a sponge dry—you’ll always retain enough to clean those windows! Give your truths, accept his, retain what is good—then stay if you wish, move on, if you wish. In whatever direction you go, candor will see you home.

Transparency

Don’t be afraid to allow a good man to see your vulnerable side. Don’t be afraid to give up the reins every once in a while. This was pretty hard for me to learn. In my controlling way, I didn’t want to make myself too vulnerable, too transparent because I thought I needed a nine-foot-high wall to protect me from being hurt. Then, I finally realized that if I did the thing I believe one should do in a relationship—make sure you’re with someone who shares your values—then that person’s not going to grab your gift of transparency and run away with your secrets, he’s not going to hurt you. Here’s a little-known fact: you tell a secret about yourself, you probably get one back from him, about him. Transparency leads to solidity in a relationship.

Here’s a secret about me that I had a hard time sharing with Al, a secret that many women will criticize me for—I just know it. But here goes:

I’m a Southern girl. I was raised to believe that if you marry a man worthy of you, you accept him as your
priest
(the person who leads your family and worship), your
prophet
(he’s the one who knows best where we’re going as a family), and your
king
(he takes the lead). So, get this picture: I’m this big powerful prosecuting attorney, this mouthy television star, and I feel—if you’re a man that’s worthy of me, will you take the lead?

I may be many things but I’m not dumb, and I know this attitude is not popular with my fellow feminists and with many men, as well. It actually puts a great burden on men—being the one who has to make most of the decisions in the family. Many men have gotten used to women taking that burden from them.

You know what? The thing that has probably shocked me the most in public reactions to my marriage has been the snarky comments—especially from women—about my taking Al’s last name, as in Star Jones
Reynolds.
Despite the fact that a 2004 Harvard University study indicates that since the year 2000 most young women with university degrees are alarming older feminists by indeed taking their husband’s last names (even though before that, the clear trend was to retain their maiden names), I keep hearing, “What’s with this Star Jones
Reynolds?”

But I love living with his name.

Although I choose that he be the boss in a lot of stuff, I still struggle with it right now, believe me. It’s not easy taking the most controlling human being on the planet and telling her, “You have to ask your husband what he thinks.”

WHAT????? I’m Star Jones, I usually make all the decisions, what do I care what he thinks?