Shy Kinda Love (23 page)

Chapter 38

It’s day eight of life number three. I wake up and go through my morning routine. I eat, shower, then sit in front of the TV, with my laptop in front of me. This is where I spend my days now. I’m searching for places to run to, where I may be able to hide from Ryder and his team of commandos. I also need a car that can’t be traced back to me. This will be the first time I need to access the money from the account my dad started for me. Ryder bought Walker for me, because I wasn’t ready to use that money, and the rest of the time I’ve lived off my pay from working at the barn.

Getting that money out of the account, and into one that can’t be found by Ryder, is my latest research.

Ryder is downstairs, working out. It’s only a few minutes before I hear his music shut off and his footsteps on the stairs. After he takes in the room, and my obvious plan for the morning, Ryder slowly closes his eyes and draws in a slow breath. When he opens his eyes, he closes the distance between us and takes the remote from my hand. He closes my computer and sets it on the coffee table.

“Get ready, we’ve got shit to do this morning,” he commands, then he turns and walks off to the bathroom, likely to shower.

I know that I’ve not been very nice, or even engaging, lately, but Ryder has changed too. There are no more hugs, no more kisses on my head. He doesn’t call me baby, and he never smiles anymore. I don’t know if this is his way of dealing with everything that happened, or if this is his response to the person I’ve become. Either way, he’s making it easier to leave.

Since I’ve already showered and dressed, I just pull my hair in a ponytail and pull on my boots. I sit at the kitchen island, drinking my coffee, while I wait for Ryder to take me to do our “shit.”

***

A half hour later I’m in Ryder’s jeep, watching in horror as he turns onto the country road that leads to Angie’s. I haven’t said more than ten words in the last week, but it’s time to end that trend. “What the hell are you doing, Ryder? I can’t go back there,” I say, sounding just as terrified as I feel.

Without taking his eyes off the road, Ryder reaches over and clasps my hand in his. “Yes, you can, baby.” Of course, now the old Ryder comes back. I don’t say anything more, because I have no idea what to say.

When he parks next to the barn and turns off the jeep, I feel my heart rate and breathing begin their race. I close my eyes and squeeze his hand, willing him to turn the jeep back on and get me out of here. When I feel him release my hand, my eyes snap open.

Ryder lifts his chin, indicating my door. “I’ll come around to get you.”

When my door opens and Ryder holds out a hand for me, I draw in a long breath, planning to shove down the emotions. However, the smell of the farm and the horses forces memories to slam into my mind. I allow Ryder to pull me from the car and wrap me in his arms. I hold onto him as visions, of Walker dying and Marco’s head exploding, assault me. After giving me only a moment to try and force the visions away, Ryder takes a step back, grabs my hand, and begins pulling me toward the barn. I slow my breathing and think about darkness, allowing nothing but blackness to fill my mind.

When we round the corner and step into the barn, I immediately see someone else who causes me to think and feel. Kade is standing in the aisle of the barn, facing the stall where Walker died. He has one hand in his pocket and the other is grasping the back of his neck. His head is hanging, and his shoulders are slouched. He looks defeated.

Angie is also in the barn, but she is sitting on the floor, leaning against the stall, behind Kade. When she lifts her eyes to meet mine, I can see that she has been crying. I stop moving my feet, forcing my hand to fall from Ryder’s. He continues on, approaching the bars of the stall. He gazes into the stall and I can see him visibly swallow. I don’t know what’s in there, but whatever it is, it’s difficult for Ryder to look at. He takes a step back and turns to face Kade. With a dip of his chin he says, “I hope you’re right about this,” then he walks past Kade to stand in front Angie.

Ryder reaches out a hand, helping her stand. When she’s on her feet, he pulls her into his arms. He whispers something in her ear and I see Angie nod. When he releases her, Ryder turns and comes back to me, where I stand, still pulling on the blackness to drown all of this out. Ryder grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. “Baby, it’s time to fight your demons. Stop letting them pull you under.” Then he pulls me to him and kisses me on the head before he lets me go and exits the barn.

Knowing that I’m here to see whatever is in that stall, I approach the stall like prey, terrified that what’s inside will attack. When my eyes find the severely emaciated horse inside, I feel like someone punched me in my stomach. He’s standing slightly angled, so that I can see both his sunken eyes and protruding ribs. He’s all white, with no visible color markings except the filth that covers his body. He is so weak that he doesn’t even lift his head when I approach the bars at the front of his stall. Only his eyes lift to meet mine, and when they do, I see Walker looking back at me. Not the Walker from the last couple years, but the one I rescued from slaughter three years ago.

I slowly back up, shaking my head. “What have you done,” I ask in a low whisper. “What have you done?” I shift my gaze from the dying horse, to Angie, only to find her staring at the ground, unwilling to make eye contact. I draw in a shaky breath, then turn to face Kade. “What did you do?” I ask again, needing someone to explain why I’m faced with another impending death on my hands.

Kade extends both hands to me. “Filly, I thought you two could help each other.”

I lunge toward him and begin slamming my fists into his chest. “He’s dying, Kade. You got me a dying horse,” I yell at him, fists still beating on him.

Kade wraps his arms around me and pulls me in, forcing an end to my blows. “I got you something to fight for,” he whispers in my ear.

As I verbally, and physically, release my anger on Kade, I feel something inside me begin to open. Terrified of the feelings that are trying to escape, I draw in a sharp breath and shove the emotions down. “I don’t want another horse. I don’t want another life to be responsible for,” I say, as I refrain from looking at the animal, dying just a few feet away. I pull back, out of Kade’s embrace, and turn to look at Angie, shaking my head. “Take him back. I won’t do it. I don’t want him.”

Angie shakes her head, and blinks as her tears begin to fall. “He’s a she… and she can’t be moved again.” I watch Angie’s bottom jaw quiver as she prepares her next words. “She’s pregnant.”

With those words, I fall to my knees, and let my face fall into my hands, and I begin to cry. That horse doesn’t have enough body weight to support her own life, let alone another. I’m going to have to watch a mare and her baby die in the same stall where I lost Walker.

Angie falls to the ground next to me, wrapping me in her arms, “I know, honey, I know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know when I agreed to take her. Doc Johnson just did the exam and found the baby.” She rocks us gently from side to side as I fall to pieces… again.

Angie pulls back and grasps me by the shoulders. Her eyes are filled with tears, as more run down her cheeks. When she speaks, her voice is high, as she pushes the words through her tears.

“It’s incredibly difficult for me to look at that horse, see her in so much pain, and to know we could lose her and her baby.” She leans in, pressing her forehead to mine. “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to see her, but the fact that you’re crying right now tells me Kade was right. You’ve not allowed yourself to feel anything since the night we lost Walker. You have to mourn, honey, and you have to move on.”

“No, I won’t. I can’t, Angie,” I try to yell through my broken sobs. “I can’t help her. I can’t stay here,” I say, as I begin to push myself up from the ground.

“You can, and you will,” Angie says, grasping my shoulders to keep me from standing. “If you walk away and do nothing to help this mare, then you will have her death on your hands. If you stay and we do everything we can, but still lose them, then we will know we tried.” I feel something more give way inside of my chest. All of the pain and emotions I have successfully packed away since Walker’s death are threatening to emerge. “The rescue she came from was going to euthanize her, saying they didn’t have the time or space for her. We’re her last chance. She’s too weak to be moved again. I’ll help, but I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know how to do this.”

Angie is sobbing now, gasping between words, and trying to speak between the tears. Her words, and the obvious pain she suffered, is my undoing. I allow myself to fall freely into the pain as Angie continues.

“I love you, Shyanne, whether you want that love or not. I love your passion, not only for Walker, but for every horse you come in contact with. So many people get horses for their beauty, or just for the novelty. But you… you, Shy, you love every horse for their individual spirit. You never expect them to be something they’re not; you just embrace the horse that they are.”

Using both hands, she wipes at her tear-streaked face, then she continues. “When Kade told me to find a horse for you, one that needed healing, I had no idea what I what I was getting into. What I found is a culture that uses and abuses these animals; they stop caring for them when they are of no use. Within the first hour of my search I was determined to make this my new passion. That horse in there may be your horse, but she is the beginning of a new mission for me.

“I don’t know if we can save her,” I say, and the truth of that breaks my heart a little more.

Angie nods her head. “I know that, and if we do lose her, we’ll give her a good resting place. Then we will hook up the truck and trailer, and go get another one that needs us just as much.”

I stand, and approach the stall again, this time trying to find any healthy signs the horse might show. Her ribs are not as visible as Walker’s were when I got him. Her eyes—although she is struggling to keep them open, she’s aware that I’m here, and is able to focus on me. As I stand, trying to find the courage to help this horse, I feel hands at my waist. I turn to see Kade, a small sad smile on his lips.

“I’m sorry, Filly, I know this is hard for you, but I didn’t know what else to do,” he says.

I push at his hands, knocking them from my waist, and shake my head. “I told you what to do, Kade. I told you to leave me alone. Instead,” I say, gesturing over my shoulder, “You get me another horse to watch die. Actually, two horses.” I know he means well, but I’m so angry that he has forced this on me, forced me to face the emotions I have been working so hard to bury.

Kade shakes his head now. “No, Filly, with you fighting for her and that baby, they are going to make it.”

Feeling extremely agitated by his positivity, I lash out. “You don’t know that,” I all but yell. “I know you think you can fix everything, you can fix me. Well, Kade, not everything can be perfect like you.”

Kade closes his eyes, and with his lips pressed tightly together, draws in a breath through his nose. When his eyes, open, he looks resigned. “I love you, Shyanne, all of you. That includes all of your imperfections. I’ve known from the beginning that being with you would not be easy, but I’ve also known that you’re worth it. I love you
because
of your imperfections, not in spite of them. The problem is not me and how I feel about you, the problem is that you don’t believe being with me is worth the risk. You’re terrified of relationships, of caring about people, and even of animals now,” he says, dipping his head in the direction of the stall. “I get that. I get that you have loved and lost and been hurt. But Shyanne, you’re not the first person to lose someone, or something, you love. You’re not the first person to experience trauma.”

When I flinch at his minimizing my pain, he reaches up to cup my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. “I know that sounds harsh, and I’m sorry, but you need to hear this.” His eyes soften and his thumb makes circles on my cheek, hypnotizing me. “Ryder lost his entire family, in one day, when he was just fourteen. Isaac, he lives in a group home because of the choices his mom makes. And Angie…” At her name, I look over Kade’s shoulder to see her listening, eyes swollen from her tears, and arms wrapped protectively around her waist. I pull my eyes back to Kade when he continues, “…she loved Walker too, you know that. She found him that day, she sat with you and him as he died.” Kade has to force the words out past the visible lump in his throat, and I can see tears forming in his eyes. “Then she watched as Smoke put a bullet in Marco’s head… in her living room.”

I look over his shoulder at Angie again. I can see her bottom lip quivering. He’s right, and I never for one second considered what that night did to Angie. I never consider other people, because I’m always too busy trying to smother my own feelings. I close my eyes, feeling incredibly weak and selfish.

Kade moves his hand from my cheek, around to the back of my head and pulls me into his chest. He wraps his arms around me and I return the embrace as I inhale his scent. The smell of body wash and his musky scent triggers more memories, and more feelings. Before I can get lost in my own head, Kade goes on with his reality therapy.

“I want to stay and help you heal. I want to force you come sleep in my bed. I want to kiss you every day to remind you of how good we feel together. But I’ve done all that before, and in the long run, it didn’t change us. It didn’t change that I’m the only one willing to take the risk and fight for us. I can’t keep pushing you to see this is what you want. I need you to decide that we’re worth the risk. I need you to fight for yourself, and fight for us.” Understanding that he is saying goodbye, I feel my chest tighten, and my breaths become shallow.