Shy Kinda Love (9 page)

Chapter 12

I feel such horrible stabbing pain behind my eyes I can’t even open them. I try to lift a hand so I can put pressure on my forehead, but my arm is trapped under something. I take inventory of everything I feel around me, since visual inventory is not yet an option.

Bed under me. Someone’s arm lying across my stomach, same arm that is pinning my arms to me. An entire body pressed to my back.

The feel of the body against mine triggers something inside me: disgust, terror, hate, and possibly all of the above. Temporarily forgetting the pain splitting my head in two, I catapult myself off the bed and onto the floor. The pain in my head quickly snaps me away from my demons and back into the room. I grasp my head with both hands as I sit on my knees in this unknown place. I need to open my eyes. I need to know where I am.

It’s then I hear a familiar voice. I don’t know whether to panic again or to be relieved when Kade asks, “What was that? Are you okay, Filly?”

Am I okay? Um, no. Kade Fucking Cross was sleeping in bed with me. I have a hangover that will most likely last for several weeks, and I have no idea what happened last night to get me in this state. I peek open one eye only long enough to see I am in my bedroom. With my head still in my hands, sitting on the floor, I rack my brain trying to recall the events of last night. As soon as the memories start rolling back in, I want to push them back to my subconscious.

I remember doing several shots of tequila and being best friends with everyone I saw. Then I remember standing in the living room of the frat house telling Kade I’d missed him this week. Then Taylor showed up and was hanging on his arm. Later Luke found me and had someone drive us to my place. Then I remember Luke touching me, and him telling me how beautiful and funny I am… and then he tried to kiss me.

I don’t do kissing, or compliments, as these, too, are triggers for me. So of course I started crying and gave Luke a full showing of my batshit crazy. Then I stumbled into the apartment, still in tears and looking like a girl released from crazytown. While trying to get into my apartment, Kade came out of his. I remember crying some, but that’s where the memories end.

Feeling humiliation wash over me, I grasp for something to say to Kade. After a moment of finding nothing in my pounding head, I ask the obvious lead-in question: “What are you doing in my bed?” The question is muffled since my head is still buried in my hands.

I hear my bed creak, then feel Kade’s hands on me. In one quick movement he picks me up and lifts me back onto the bed. I am in such shock I can’t respond when he crawls back into the bed and reclaims his space. This time he lies on his back and pulls me into the crook of his arm, cradling me tight against him.

“I was sleeping, until you decided to throw yourself onto the floor and scare the shit out me.” He says it casually, as if this entire morning is not completely bizarre.

I take in a few shallow breaths, trying to push down the panic that is starting to rise at the feel of Kade’s body against mine. “You know what I mean, Kade.
Why
are you in my bed?” I ask, even though I have a good idea. I’m hoping maybe he fell into a sleep-induced coma that caused him to lose his memory. That could totally happen.

Kade lifts his hand, the one that is not wrapped around me, and brushes the hair out of my eyes. “Well, after you fell asleep on my lap in the hallway last night, I carried you in here. Because of how upset you were, I didn’t want to leave you alone. So I stayed.”

Okay, so no coma-induced memory loss.

“Plus,” Kade continues, squeezing the arm around my waist to pull me closer, “I have to admit, I’ve thought about little else since last Friday other than being with you in this bed.” His admission causes my brain to halt mid-thought, so I just lie there staring at him, my mouth unattractively hanging open.

When my brain begins working, it’s not to decide how to respond. I’m battling with the fact that I no longer feel panic at being so close to him. I fear that I like having him in my bed, and that terrifies me more than the panic. I don’t do boys in my bed—and he has wanted to be here? Does he mean just sleeping? Of course not, no guy wants to
just
sleep with a girl, and—

“Stop it, Shy,” Kade interrupts my thoughts. “I see you dissecting my statement. By the look on your face, when you’re done there will be nothing left of those words for me to even defend.” He reaches his hand up and lifts my chin with his thumb and finger, until I’m looking him in the eyes. “I don’t mean sex. I mean this right here.” He gestures between us. “Just holding you like this. It has taken great willpower for me to stay away this week.”

Stay away? Why did he stay away? Why would he want to just hold me? Why is he looking into my eyes like he is reading every thought and memory that is kept behind them? I have no idea what to say, or which question to ask, so I just continue to stare. I’m a communication genius.

One side of Kade’s mouth begins to curl up into a smile. “Are you going to say anything, or am I expected to hold both sides of this conversation?” he asks, releasing his grip on my chin. He then slides those fingers around to the base of my neck, behind my ears, his thumb softly stroking my jaw.

I need to say
something.
I toss around all that I know happened over the last week, what happened last night, and what he just said. I decide on my first question, the one I have been wondering all week. I swallow and lick my lips, trying to find my balance. “Why have you stayed away all week?”

“Well, I knew Luke was interested, and—” He pauses, looking like he is considering his next words. After a few uncomfortable moments, Kade continues, “and I don’t have much free time to pursue extracurricular activities.”

Extracurricular activities? I don’t even know how to respond, so I don’t.

My confusion must show because Kade tries to clarify. “I knew Luke had a thing for you. Luke never has
a thing
for any girl, so I was trying to stay away. But like I said, it hasn’t been easy, because… well… I have a thing for you too.”

I was more interested in him referring to me as an after-school activity, but we’ll go with this for now. “You said you were trying to stay away, so does that mean…” Shit, what am I asking? “So what are you doing now?” There, that asks the question but assumes nothing. Communication genius.

After a few seconds, Kade asks, “What happened last night?”

I immediately shake my head. “Nothing. I just had a bad night.”

Kade sighs. “I knew you wouldn’t tell me. Regardless, whatever it was, it won’t happen again. Luke is my friend, but a girl comes home crying like you were, that tells me he fucked up bad. So now there are two things you need to know. One, I am going to go have a chat with Luke—”

“No,” I interrupt. “Last night was not because of anything that Luke did. Trust me, he was actually being super nice.” Shit, now I’m telling him just how crazy I am. Oh, yeah, that was me having a full-blown emotional breakdown because a guy touched me and told me I’m beautiful. Crazy? Why, yes, yes I am.

Kade rubs that thumb across my jaw again. “Can you help me understand why you came home crying, not just small sad tears, but devastated, break-my-heart tears? I’m sorry, Shy, I can’t believe that Luke is innocent in whatever happened last night.” That thumb on my jaw is like a watch used to hypnotize people.

Crap, I need to focus. I pull my face from his hand and lie back on the bed, dropping my head on the pillow. “Kade, it’s not your place to interfere.” I try taking the bitchy path. “I don’t need you defending me, especially over nothing. I’ll talk to Luke. I need to apologize for last night anyway.” I pause, trying to remember what Kade was even going to talk to Luke about. Then I remember I cut him off before he told me. “What exactly were you going to chat with Luke about? And you said there are two things I need to know. What is number two?”

“I’m going to chat with Luke about the fact that he had his chance, he fucked up, and now he’s going to leave you alone. You agree, correct,” he states rather than asks.

“The second thing you need to know is that you and I are going to make friends.”

“Friends,” I croak, now feeling very confused.

Kade’s eyes smile, as he explains, “You know, hang out together, talk, not avoid each other, go places together. Friends.” Now he’s trying to hide his amusement.

“What about Taylor?” The question slips out before I realize was even thinking it.

“What about her?” he asks, seeming genuinely confused.

I sigh. Am I really having a conversation about relationships with Kade? Him clarifying, or I guess telling me, that I’m not seeing Luke anymore—not that I was—and me asking about Taylor. How did we get here? “You were with her the other day on campus. Then at the party last night.”

“You mean last night at the party when I was so entranced by how beautiful and different you are that I had no idea who else was there?” Kade curls his fingers up behind my ear and into my hair, his thumb rubbing short strokes just under my ear. I try holding back the full-body shiver, but I’m pretty sure I fail.

I shake my head to try and get it back in the conversation. “So you’re not dating Taylor,” I ask, just to clarify.

Kade shakes his head curtly. “No.”

“And you want us to be, uh, friends?”

Now he nods. “Yes. For now anyway.”

For now? I take a few minutes to process everything. I just can’t understand what it is Kade wants from me. Why would he want to be just friends? Why would he want more? My head hurts too badly to think about this now. I’ll sort this all out when the Doozers from
Fraggle Rock
aren’t residing in my brain.

It’s then I remember one thing that’s still bothering me. I lift my chin to look at Kade, so that I can watch his reaction. “You lied to me.”

He furrows his brow. “About what?”

“You told me don’t drink. Then you go to Luke’s and drink, and last night you were at the party. Why would you lie about that?” I obviously don’t have a problem with people who drink, but I do have a problem with people who lie.

His brow relaxes and he studies me before responding. “I told you I
rarely
drink, which is the truth. In the three years I’ve been here, I’ve only attended a handful of parties. I’ve never gotten shit-face-drunk. The only reason I went to The Hole the night we moved in was because you were going. The only reason I went to Luke’s was because Max said you girls would be there. And, in case you’re not following where this is going, the only reason I went to the party last night was because you were going to be there.”

Okay… I was not expecting all that. His candidness is so surprising, I have to wonder if he’s being honest or just saying what he thinks I want to hear. The idea of this all being some game to him puts me on the defense.

“So, help me understand this friendship thing,” I say, pushing myself to a sitting position. I need some distance and I need to read his expression. “I don’t understand why you have to proclaim we are now
friends
. Why couldn’t you just stop avoiding me and start hanging out with the rest of us?”

Kade also sits up and positions himself so that I can look nowhere but at him. “Because I want more than friendship, but we need to start there first. I want to get to know you better, and I want to spend more time with you.”

“More than friendship. What does that mean?” I sound pissed and I guess I feel a little pissed that he is saying he only wants to be friends. But I also know that I would have run out the door already if he’d said he wanted something more.

Kade reaches out and takes one of my hands in his. “I don’t know what that means yet.” He draws in a long breath as he pulls his gaze from mine, and looks down at my hand in his. “Shyanne, I’m not going to make some false, grand declaration about how I
know
we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives. I don’t know what’s in my future, or yours.” He lifts his gaze back to mine. “But I will tell you this: that first night I saw you at The Hole with Ryder, I felt like I was seeing
my girl
with another guy. I can’t explain it any more than that. I watched you the rest of that night trying to decide how to convince you that you
are
my girl
.
”

“Really?” is all I manage. I lay back down, feeling a little light-headed, from the hang-over or this conversation, I’m not sure.

Kade smiles as he lays back down next to me, leaning on his elbow, looking down at me. “Yes, really, and I can see it’s different for you too. When other guys touch you, just some innocent hand on your arm or back, you freeze, preparing to run. I noticed that when Ryder touched you, that fear response didn’t occur. Because I felt an unexplainable connection to you, I wanted to believe you felt it too. So, that first day you and Keegan came to our apartment, I laid my hand on your arm. Later that night I tucked your hair behind your ear, and allowed my fingers to graze your cheek. The next morning, I placed my hand on the small of your back when I whispered in your ear. All of those times you leaned into my touch, not away from it.”

Shocked by his ability to read me, I sit speechless. I don’t know if I should be flattered that he has been so observant, or terrified that he can read me so well.